The Blog That is Me..

i cannot sleep..

2012-01-21T03:01:00.002+08:00

a very odd title for a very odd post. seriously, actually, i have been lying on my bed for nearly half an hour before i decide to get up and maybe write something. i dont know why, but lately sleeping has been difficult for me. well, i blame nothing but my previous semester. yes, i can safely call it previous since i am finished with all my examinations and assignments. this is one semester i am not interested in remembering. that is something i am sure of.

btw, currently i am ruled by one of the seven deadly sins. okie, i am usually controlled by at least one, most usual is pride, but this time by the one i hardly recognise. jealousy or covetousness or envy. yes, the green one. and the subject of envy is people around me who had gone back to their hometown and the fact that i am still here, in this ratchet place i call the city of education. well, i think i might offend some people for calling this place ratchet but please, you guys have no idea what has this place brought me. that is not the main point. the main point here is i am envious of people going away from this place.. gosh, i hope this feeling will go soon.. meh, knowing me, it wont last a few days..

hmm, let us talk about issues, first of all is my house. the rented one. now with the peeps that i am not fancy out, i can finally treat this place like a house. before this, i see it as a shelter for me to sleep due to the not so conducive environment. now, i can totally live in it. but, i must be remembered that those are just temporary happiness. last for one month only, then, they will be back and this house will turn into a shelter again. (btw, among the things i am doing at the moment is writing my shopping list, for the house)

then, friends. hmm, i must say friends have been nice to me. or maybe i turned more accepting. i dont know and i dont want to know. i think now i am more relaxed and petty matters wont bother me much anymore. i love this new found maturity, or i must say, self activated ignorance. now i believe in people when they say ignorance is bliss.

partner. i had my closure to my previous relationship. after one whole freaking year. we met and had one day. and we both realised the feeling had died. well, the person moved on and planned to marry the new significant other. i wish the both of you best of luck and be happy together. btw, thanks for the closure. i can move on now, knowing that my heart is back with me again. now, i am free to give it to someone new. definitely not someone like you. what? the relationship failed, so obviously i am looking for someone different because i cannot go with someone like you.

that is all i can think for now.. till later peeps.. out

*writing is something i cannot give up*

of working and me..

2012-01-03T22:06:00.005+08:00

this semester is the first semester i ever thought of working. why? well, i have been with my family for way too long and i understand how that they cannot actually support me. what? my mum got other responsibility besides me. nothing that i will complain. due to that, i decided to work. yeah, to support my own living..

living as a student and working at the same time is not that easy. well, besides all the work you have from your academic development side, your career side too is giving you work that needs to be finished on a deadline. oh, btw, i am working at my own faculty for those of you who have no idea about me, although i think most of the readers are people who knows me personally. so yeah, i have been juggling matters in life starting this semester. study and work. to be honest, at times it is just tiring.. i feel like stopping but to no avail due to commitment.. yeah, i maybe hard to commit in a relationship but work, that is something i am sure i can commit very much.

then, end of year approached and to be honest i am glad since it meant the end of my contract. however, to my surprise today, i was called to the office and were asked to continue working. however, this time around at a different office under different body. what? why? i wanted to take a holiday and rest from all these madness.. looks like that is just a dream not to come true.. huhu..

then, a lecturer upon knowing that i wont be working anymore with my previous boss directly booked me to be her helper for the next semester.. wait, that means that i will be working non stop.. this semester break (january to March) and the semester that comes after (march to july) then off to my practicum (July to October ?) then a four months break which i dont know whether they want me still to work for them..

what?! i am a student.. i shouldnt be working all year long.. that is just insane.. my mode is full time, not part time.. but what can i do? i think i will just bare with it.. at least i have money.. my own money..

*working*

drifted year..

2012-01-02T13:01:00.004+08:00

this is about the year 2011. i know most blogs have written on this issue. well, include me in the bandwagon. i just need to express my feeling about the year that has just passed. i must say, mine is negative, not likely to be positive at all..

the year starts with the pain from the previous year. the death of my dad. yup, the year starts with a mourn. i was still mourning for the death of my dad. someone that is so dear to me. someone that i look up to and someone that i want to impress so much. i guess now i can only talk to him through my prayer. then, the year also starts with wounded heart from previous year breakup.. a 3 year long relationship that finally ends because the sparks were gone.. and to this day, i am still not healed.. the wound is still open..

then, several mishaps starts to happened.. theft, back stab, lost of friends and many more.. all these make an opportunity for my long oppressed depression to come back into surface.. and i must say, that is a bad thing..

then, there was this long break.. 4 freaking months.. and all i do is nothing.. yeah, nothing.. because i have to face a lot of issues that are beyond my control but i am involved.. i dont even get to have fun.. all i do is just sit and do nothing.. just observe as the world and time pass through me.. i was wasted.. i broke down a few times back at home..

the second half give me no break.. instead more shits.. a lot of issues rose.. friends, housemates, and academic.. then the accidents.. im disgusted by life by the end of it.. almost overdose myself in medication due to the depression.. yup, till that serious..

however, i found friends along the way.. friends that i know will stay with me till the end of this torturous moment in uni life.. they are the ones i cling to in times of need..

the year has passed.. i hope all the bad things remain there, as part of memories.. never to be resurfaced and to be oppressed in the unconscious mind..

*new year, new hope*

i am telling you stories..

2011-12-08T12:11:00.003+08:00

okie, actually this is a long delayed update.. i just dont feel like updating.. dunno why.. who cares actually.. btw, i still want to tell the stories.. (the actual reason, i am stuck at the fac and cannot go home due to the rain)

i got myself into an accident last week.. kinda big actually.. i literally laid down on the road.. and i answered so many phone calls during that time.. people seriously? i just got into an accident and you are asking me to answer my calls? be logical people! haish.. anyway.. injured my leg and my bike.. still in healing phase at the moment.. huhu, there goes my beautiful leg.. BEAUTIFUL? LIKE SERIOUSLY DUDE!

then, i bought myself a lot of new stuff which are necessities.. phone because the old one is being a pain and a printer because my old one the ink is unbelievably expensive.. huhu.. seriously, money flows like water.. plus got myself a new phone.. all expenses paid by none other than yours truly.. i am an adult now.. haha.. seriously, this is forced adulthood..

then, life as a student is the only life i have now.. all my alter life, i just need to shut them off.. due to the hectic of these few weeks.. i sleep most of the time because seriously ia m just tired of living.. gosh! when will this be over with! arghh! btw i did catch movies this few days.. awesome breaks.. huhu

that's all for now.. till then. later..

*tired*

just something..

2011-11-26T13:35:00.002+08:00

i cannot remember the last time i was here. i think it was a month ago. please, i am just too lazy to look at the archive. well, actually hectic life and lack of inspiration were the main reason why i abandoned this once was a pleasant place i call my lashing area. but now i am back just for fun. or maybe i need to do some emotional flushing. whatevs.
so, life nowadays is indescribable. to say it is bad is an overstatement and to say it is good is an understatement. so i can only say it has its ups and downs. workload is something that i wish to not talk about here as well as any other place in my life. it just causes me stress. so, what to write huh?
okie, actually, somehow i decided to become active. but i am regretting the whole decision now. what was i thinking when i said yes to those? was i mad, lost my mind? well, maybe because i think that my life nowadays is boring, so i should occupy it. NOT! huhu..

that is all, i am stuck. i cannot write any longer than those..

*emo*

I think too much..

2011-10-09T14:35:00.001+08:00

My mental state at the current moment is on the edge of sanity. Somehow I am currently facing with one of the biggest stress I have ever felt in my life to date. To be honest, I have a lot on my mind but I just do not have anywhere to pour all the things out. I even got a sense that my depression is relapsing. Breaking down is becoming a regular. Seriously, I am scared. I am barely 21 and I have a lot to think and am toying with my mental health.

I got a lot of issues. But one major issue is covetousness or envy. Yes, I am full of envy in my heart. Ironic much huh? I always hear people coming to me and say that they envy me in some aspects but not to their knowledge, I am envious as well. Targets of envy? A lot actually. Mostly because of their lives. Especially those who have nothing to be worried and just destroy their lives or just live happily. Yes, my life is not happy, in my point of view at least. I want to be happy but I just cannot tell the lie to myself that I can be happy. Somehow, this time I let myself dwell in my sorrows. Sad. I know, even I feel the same.

I have so many wants, but all to never be fulfilled since I know I have to sacrifice a lot for others happiness. Let me be the one worrying while others sleep silently. Let me be the one bearing all the pain and hurt and others live happily. Let me support myself while they used up my part and denied me mine. Seriously, I am wallowing in self- pity most of the time. Poor Me. Stupid Me. Ambitious Me. Not-Worthy Me. I am sick!

Other issue would be my appearance. Yeah I hate it. I am fat and ugly and I need to look at that being every single day in the mirror. I try to avoid looking but I am just too conscious to not look in the mirror. I try to coax myself by saying there are other form of beauty and I am in one of it but sorry, I am too one- dimensional. Tried every single trick in the sick- ways- on- how- to –lose- your- weight book but to no avail. I am somehow thinking that maybe I am going to be ugly till the end of my life. Damn it.

Friends are another issue. I wonder why they repel from me. No, walk away from me. What happen to friendship? What? The ship sunk? I only have a few friends now. Those who are really care about my well -being and existence. Others, who use to claim me as their friends just decided to ditch in me in their life. Thanks so much for jumping aboard in the ship for a while and left some memories. Now, I need some time to erase all that. ‘Thank you’ so much! It hurts so much when the one who use to hang around with you decided that you are no longer in the list. Not even in the bottom of the list. Now they treat you worst than unknown stranger. Whatever it is, I hope I can keep the one I am having right now. They feel real and I hope they are.

Has been. This phrase has been haunting me for quite sometime now. It is the definition of what I feel about myself. A has been. I used to live on the other side of the coin where the live was beautiful and you are the main attention. But, that life is no more and now you are nothing. An analogy to a pebble by the roadside. No one cares about you and no one sees you. You are invisible. Light does not shine on you anymore.

I need help, counseling? I am training to be one. Ironic huh? A counselor –to- be but not being able to bear personal problems. I do not know what I need. At times, the thoughts of suicide make a visit and for quite a number of times, I let it stay. I know I should not, it is wrong in every sense. Luckily I still have my senses although at most time they are numb. Gosh, I need to sort these issues up because it used to not bother my studies but now it is. Damn it.

*Telling the world my problems is showing them how horrible and lame I am*

The exact replica..

2011-09-25T12:05:00.001+08:00

So, I met this new person. To be honest, I found the person to be quite cute. Nothing great if compared to those who had came into my life before. But, nonetheless still possess same characteristics and charms that captivate my heart. Well, I can never go far from what I used to have since that is what we call as taste. So, they are similar but different in some ways. Obviously a different person.

However. It bothers me somehow that the person is looking like an exact replica of one of my friend’s ex. Do not worry, I have checked and nope, they are not the same person only that they looked the same. So, I am somehow in doubt whether to go forward or not with the whole thing since that friend of mine is so not over the ex.

What? It is not that I am scared that my friend will try to have the new person. It is the annoyance of constant repetition of your person looks like my ex and telling their so sweet love stories all over again. I cannot bear that! Plus, I am sure that the friend will be extra annoying by wanting to know what will we both do since that friend have some possessive issues. OMG, seriously, I do not know what to do.

So, the whole reason for me considering is not because of the new person and the flaws, but to avoid annoyance from a friend. Weird consideration right? Well, that is just me. I overanalysed everything.

*thinking*

a very late/early post..

2011-09-21T03:05:00.003+08:00

it has been a while since i last write a blogpost. well, the main reason would be i am deprived of inspiration. nothing in my life currently excites me. i am just mere living, but not living a life. hmm, maybe because now with Tower is gone and i have no focus on anyone to be my source of inspiration, it is very hard for me to write. what? love drives you to do stuff okie. one of it is writing.

anyway, updates on me is right now i have a job. yes, you heard me right. i got the job for the sake of the extra money which i really need in order to continue running errands in my life. haha. okie, my workplace is actually at the place where i am studying. i am a lecturer's assistant. well, the idea to work came to me when i saw a friend of mine is doing the same thing. so, i think, whattaheck, let me just try. so far, it has been okie. busy, well you are working, obviously business is part of it. but the thing that is cool but in the same time not cool is having an office of my own. a rather big room for myself alone but that is the place allocated for me. so, i'll be alone for the maximum or maybe minimum of 2 hours everyday. huhu, doing some filing work.

seriously, at first i thought the life of a lecturer is easy but after working, i know it is kinda hellish to be honest. with all the bureaucracy and stuff. linkages, omg, i don't know whether i am strong enough to face them later. as for now, i am grateful that i am just a student. talking about student life, this semester, i have a subject form my favorite field, what else? linguistics! it is sociolinguistics. the study of relationship between society and language. hmm, the subject is nice but the class is not. it is rather dull and monotonous. well, maybe this is just the 2nd class, so not everyone gets the hang of it. i bet later it will be great! i hope =_=

that is all for now, anyway, as i am writing this, i am waiting for Elika to write on my Hardisk which has just been formatted due to virus. to kill the time, i write. awesome!!

*sleepy*

i wear a mask everyday..

2011-09-16T09:42:00.003+08:00

most of the people who have see me face to face in the real life just cannot believe that i am the one who write this blog. why? because i contradict from this blog tremendously. in this blog, i am someone who is extremely emotional, have great sense of not belonging anywhere and have a dark and negative thoughts about life. however, outside of this context, i am a bubbly, cheerful and up to some extend, a clown and crazy. well, all i can say about this contradiction is that i write my blog when i am down. which is like everyday. and when i am in real life, meeting real people and friends, i treat it as an escapism firm my life which i feel like a miserable piece of crap. so, i try my best to be happy everyday because sadness and negativity have been embedded to me like very closely. i could say that the happiness is the mask i wear everyday. what? you think it is okie to live in negativity everyday? nope, not at all. imagine breaking down everyday for no reason. suddenly, you feel like bursting with emotion and tears. it is no way healthy. but i cannot say anything. i had depression before and somehow i think it is relapsing. OMG, please pray for it not to happen. people say happiness and sadness is the choice you can make in your life, well, i dont think i really have a choice right now. everything bothers me and i hardly share anything with my friends.. huhu

*nega*

i am not happy..

2011-09-14T22:13:00.002+08:00

i was hoping for a better environment. i was hoping for a new change. a change that will bring me happiness or at least, peace at heart. well, guess what? i am asking too much actually. it never rains on my life, it pours. my life is a never ending series of unfortunate events. omg, do not let me get started with it.

i thought i will find peace. well, until now, i have not. i am constantly being hurt by the situation or people around me. well, people who are close but to no apparent importance to my life. get what i mean? people who i see everyday but never know who they are. so friends, do not worry, you guys are not a part of this. well, some of you be worried because you guys might be some of the reason why am i not happy. wait, i dont think that friend reads blog anyways.

seriously, it is so bad that i am on the verge of sanity everyday. the depression i am feeling from day to day is gaining bit by bit. and no one knows except those few i have selected.

i dont think i want to write about it. let it be la..

*depressed*

I actually care..

2011-09-08T12:18:00.000+08:00

You know there are a lot of time where we have said “like I care” or “ I don’t give a damn whatcha doin’ “ , it is actually a sign of denial. Actually we do care about what the person just did to us. However, we said those words to show who is in control, who is superior and who is who is not the desperate one. I found this behaviour to be absurdly acceptable in daily life. Weird much okie. Besides, it is not that the person who did something or say something that hurt us do es not know that our actual emotion on such event. So, I just do not get it, to whom are we saying those words? To them or to us? Take some time to ponder, will you?

*taken cared of*

change of plan..

2011-09-06T17:13:00.002+08:00

well, as most of you have noticed, i have been missing for the past 4 months. well, it was the holiday, i am at home in Penang and sadly, i have no internet access there. wait, to say no is overreacting, i do have internet access but it's 1515. those of you h=who have no idea what is a 1515, it is your typical phone line used to gain internet access. the top speed is..... 50.6 kbPs. Sad, very sad. so, that is the reason behind my disappearance. huhu.

anyways, earlier, i had mentioned about my plan to stay at SA and work to save some money for my own usage. the plan was nice, the planning was impeccable but the execution... FAIL! i went home and the time that i was supposed to come back to SA, i fall sick. hence i stayed home and do nothing. yes, absolute nothing. everyday, i just do chores and watch tv. seriously, no life at all. huhu..

then, i planned to lose weight last holiday. result? fail with flying colours. in fact, i gained a lot of excess weight during the holidays. however, it came to me that maybe i should just embrace my weight rather than fretting about it and see no results after doing a lot of effort to bring it down. i am accepting. huhu. so what if i am fat, if you say things to me, it is just because you are insecure. nuff said.

that is the changes in my plans throughout the hols. just hope this sem will go smoothly, i hate changing plans..

*critical thinking*

Heat!

2011-05-10T21:44:00.001+08:00

OMG, talk about the weather right now in this country. Why is it so hot? Seriously, after months of rain and comfort, this sudden hotness is so unacceptable. Once it was so cold until you can catch flu easier than catching a standstill butterfly, now it is so hot, migraine is just your new best friend. I seriously cannot sleep at night since fan is still not an item in my room. I have to fan myself manually, by hand, using the fan I got during the last Bon Odori. This happens every night and day. Every time I enter my room.

Why with the weather change? Is it a result of global warming? I thought global warming cools the cool weather and heats the hot weather? So, the previous weather has been cool, so it should get colder right? Not hotter. Or maybe the nation itself, like literary heated up due to the fact that the oil price is hiking again (okie, random much, environment do not have feelings, how can it be mad by the things that make people mad?) I do not know, but one thing for sure, the heat is unbearable. It is like the world is telling or giving a clue to the living of how hell will be. About 300 times hotter, that is all, or more. Who knows, I have never been there.

Gosh, as I am writing this, I am sweating like a pig (ironic much, pig does not sweat; it is a fact, hence the rolling in the mud, it has no sweat to cool its body, the mud does the work for it). My room feels like an oven. I feel like making a cupcake batter and leave it in my room and check it out next morning weather I can have cute little cupcakes without even baking it due to the hot weather. Seriously, I talking and rambling about nonsense. Blame whom? What else, the hot weather of course. Loss of water makes you go slightly cuckoo. Or in my case, big time major cuckoo. Huhu, I am tired, I shall rest and sleep now. In the room that tells me the story of hell and its fire.

*seriously hot and heated*

Movie night

2011-05-10T21:42:00.001+08:00

After the longest time, I finally went out for a movie night. Actually, this was my second plan to catch a movie that same week. The first failed due to technical error (my phone was dead and my friends could not contact me) and the second was a success, although with several changes in the plan. Here are some of the things that happened that night.

We wanted to catch Pantas and Garang 5 (this is according to the ads, for those of you who are still blur on this topic, it is Fast and Furious 5 or for short Fast Five P/S: didn’t it sound a little bit like Fab Five, you know from the show Queer Eye for Straight Guys?). Then, we need to think of a new movie to catch. The choice was between Thor and The Roommate. Finally, due to some reasons (the actual reason was Natalie Portman!) we decided on Thor. Luckily, it was not a waste. Oh, just before we get to enter the room, the wait was agonizing, can you imagine they only open the room only 5 minutes before the movie started? Imagine the number of people waiting in the hallway. Then, when the room was finally open, there goes a stampede into the theatre. Haish, when will people start behaving like they are civilized and not Neanderthals?

Moving on, the movie started, but during the ads before the movie started, I realized there is something wrong with the sound system. But, with a positive mind, I said to myself, it would not hurt the movie. Unfortunately it did. At first it was okie although very much annoying then, it started to lose larger chunks of sound until we lost a part of the movie where Odin fell into an Odin Sleep. Now, “What” became a swear words since it was silenced (silencing is a method use to censor vulgar words). Seriously, the sound is similar to a broken or badly scratched vinyl and amplified by the Dolby surround system. Bleargh..

Then, the people in the movie are just plain weird. First, they laugh at wrong part of the movie, like when a son is showing great disobedience to the father, they regard it as funny. Huh? Another part, one of the warriors is about to be destroyed by the Destroyer and they decided that people’s fear of death is a laughing matter. I was like whatta? Haish, let use not talk about the unnecessary comments that I have to endure all the time I was watching the movie. Hello, if the TV in your house is so nice, why are you still watching the movie? Go home.

But the movie was nice. Okie, it is predictable and stuff like that. Who cares? It is adapted, so it is predictable. But I sense a lot of emotion coming from a superhero movie. That is something new. The Thor guy (Chris Hemsworth, brother of Liam Hemsworth from The Last Song) is Hotness! Like seriously. And Natalie Portman is just divine. My most favourite moment is when they both blush when the look in each other’s eye. Gosh! Haha. Anyway, I am sure there will be a sequel. Oh, before I forgot, that Heimdall guy, man, is he funny.

After the movie ended, we decided to trash about another movie, not that movie. Random much. Then, we headed home since it is already late and no place is operating at this hour. All in all, it was fun, both the movie and the outing. Finishing up 5 sour strips, eating gummy bears and marshmallows. Huh, I seriously need another movie night out. Huhu, ungrateful being.

*outta*

I want to be with my Mum..

2011-05-10T21:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I went to my aunt’s place for a feast. It is just a small feast to celebrate her new house. I think it is housewarming. Whatever it is, the main story here is meeting my mum. Although I just got back to my hometown last few weeks, about two weeks ago if I am not mistaken, but I seriously, or dearly miss my mum. Seeing her yesterday make me feel so happy. Especially seeing her in KL, which is something that is so rare, it is like she came to me and not I go back to her. So, yeah, I was extremely delighted.
It was all easy until the night arrived where I need to get back to SA due to the fact that I have no more shirt and pants to wear. So, I need to make a move earlier than everyone else. Gosh, it was so hard separating from my mum again. I actually hold my tears all the time I was saying goodbye to her. Huhu, I seriously do not like SA and I do not want to be here. I want to be with my mum. But I remembered she said to me, finish up my studies first. So yeah, I will bear hopefully another year in this place that I have learnt to despise. All because of my mum.

*sobbing again*
(written on 2nd May 2011)

Talking about you..

2011-05-10T21:33:00.000+08:00

This came to me when a friend of mine addresses this problem. Yes, I always talk about my relationships and what I have done with my partners whenever we get out. I do not know why, but I just talk about it. Especially when topic of love is raised. Yeah, some unnecessary details also leak out when I talk about those. Somehow, I am sensing that those speeches are tiring them out. So, I think I will stop talking about relationships, unless asked. Seriously, I need to stop talking about my past relationships activities.

I think the whole reason why I keep on talking about those stories is because it is just so hard for me to swallow the fact that right now, I am single and alone. Yes, I know I have been saying that being single is okie and I need not worry about not having anyone. But actually it bothers me like very much. Gosh, I seriously need to learn how to live without a partner by my side. Although I have been single for quite sometime physically, but my mind is very much clinging on the memories that I have created all the time I was with my exes. So yeah, I am never really being single both physically and mentally. Seriously, I think of this fact of me as sad, but I do not know how to not dwell in it.

What I should learn to do is to cherish my own life and embrace my singleness. I should not depend on the memory of past relationships just to get on with life. I should be my own drive, not other people. But I know it will be hard to do so. All I can hope is that one day, I can live in the resent and do not dwell in the past and let it integrates with the present as well as the future. Then, I am digging my own grave since not moving on is the sign of a dead soul. Hey, I am too young to have a dead sol. That are a lot that I have yet to experience and heartbreaks is just noting compares to what future holds for me. I know this so.

p/s: what is kolah air huh? Water tub? Surely not bath tub..

*sobbing*

Totally disconnected..

2011-04-28T21:56:00.001+08:00

Gosh, it is bad enough that I have to live with Internet all the time, now guess what? My phone’s charger just broke down although I just used it thrice or twice and that totally cuts me from contacting anyone. Gosh, first I lost FB and Twitter and now phone line? What is the world plotting against me? To totally cuts me from existence or what? Just like what happen to people in Shakugan no Shana when they got taken away their existence everyone forgets about them. Is that what are you plotting to do to me huh, World?

*disconnected*

Be Considerate, Please?

2011-04-28T21:53:00.000+08:00

I am writing this due to what just happened to me a few hours back. Okie, I am having my exams today (April 27, 2011) and I find it hard to sleep last night because someone has been snoring loudly. When I say loud, I mean real loud. Like the whole house could hear it. Omg, how am I going to sleep with such a sound? Okie, I have been sleeping with people snoring near me for the longest time since some of my family members snores, but not that loud. I know you cannot do anything to decrease the volume so I am not really mad. I finally sleep after hours of agonizing pain in my ear and I am too tired to stay awake. Then, after I finally got my sleep, suddenly I was rudely awakened by noise. Yes, someone listened to music loudly at let me see, 7 in the morning! Gosh, seriously! I am just about to have my sleep since I cannot sleep the night before and now this disturbance early in the morning. You know how I was in the verge of screaming to that person to just be quiet! Haish, I know you woke up early and all but please think of those who are still sleeping. Not enough that you torture those people with your snoring, now loud music? Homagad, I feel like killing someone.

People who had known me will know how much I appreciate quietness. I do not listen to music on speakers but headphones instead, I don’t put the volume to the max, just enough to listen. I am a peaceful person who treasures quietness to the max. So please, be considerate. I do not want to go screaming just to have some quietness. That is so unlike me. I know you might think it is that person’s right to how he or she wants to listen to sounds and all, but please remember, there are other people with different interest in the same place, please look around and open your mind okie? Thanks.

*I need some sleep*

I have moved..

2011-04-28T21:40:00.000+08:00

Okie, it is not that I am closing this blog. What I mean is what happened to me in my real life. I have moved away from my previous rental house due to the event that has been mentioned before in this blog. No need for elaboration I think. So yeah, I am just informing about my move.

My new house is not that far from my old house but the situation is way different. I am no longer living in the middle of sky and land, but I am on ground this time. There is grassland right in front of my house. Okie, I love the smell of nature when I wake up. Oh, outside my room is an empty slot of land and there are trees there and seriously these make my room cool. Can you imagine waking up feeling like catching a cold although you sleep with no fan on? Yup, that is how cold is my room. Hehe. For now I am still living alone in my room, as my other tenant is not here yet. But I am thinking of getting the room all for myself, but that is still in consideration.

One thing that I miss about my old house is the view. Yes, I have the stalker view because my house was so high and I can see a lot of things that is happening in nearby places. Huhu maybe it is time I start new hobby. Another is the quiet I feel when I am all-alone. Here, everything that happened outside can be heard clearly. Huhu, at times it is scary. Haha. Seriously, I have been terrified by the sound that I have heard here but I am pretty sure those are human made. I hope!

So, that is all about my new house. Oh, one thing that I need to mention is that I do not have any internet connection at my new house. So, expect the absence of me from this blog, twitter, facebook and many more websites that I am usually found. Huhu.
Seriously, I am still adapting to living without Internet. If you are close to me, then you should lnow how attached am I to the net. Haha. So, I shall be in the real world more than in the digital world. That is something that I need to learn.

*moved*

Seriously, am I still feeling it?

2011-04-09T00:03:00.001+08:00

The breakup has been 5 months. To be honest, I am still affected by it. Some say seriously, you still feel the remorsefulness? Yes, I am very much still affected by it. Hey, it was not a short relationship okie. It was 3 years. Yeah, we had our on and off sessions. Found someone else in between but we were never separated. Now, the separation is for real and I cannot accept it. Yeah, call me weak; I just could not care because that is the truth. I am weak now. And life is no comfort since the only thing it is giving to me is more and more trials. Thanks life, I really need it. Blergh.

Then, today I saw Tower. Yes, someone that I used to fancy so much, I lost my love because of the whole crush. Yes, that person. To be frank, my feeling for Tower has lessen tremendously since the breakup, maybe because I somehow blame Tower for the incident when the fault is definitely is me? I seriously do not know. But seeing Tower just now somehow surprised me. I can breathe properly, my knees did not get weak and my emotion is well composed. Yeah, I am not crazy over Tower anymore. But I think I have a more developed feeling towards Tower. It is a composed admiration. I can look at Tower in the eye and just smile and not shy away like I used to. I can look at the face and be happy without going gaga and do all sort of weird facial expression and all. I can just compose myself. It is like… SEEING SOMEONE I LOVE!

Gosh, like seriously! Am I in love with Tower? I have read before that crush only stays for a while, to a maximum of 4 months, if it exceeds, then it is love actually. Wait, I have liked Tower since more than a year. OMG, I DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT IT BUT YEAH, I THINK I AM IN LOVE! Haha . Damn, because I know this is so going to be unrequited because Tower already has someone that is cherished. Who cares, I am just going to love you although you do not know. I think I can live with that. Until I found someone new.

*giggly*

life at this moment..

2011-04-06T12:01:00.002+08:00

hectic. that is the correct word to describe my life at this moment. there are just so many things to do and get ready for. seriously, at times, i feel like i just want to lie down anywhere, let it be on the floor or on the carpet, just to lose my eyes and take a breather. but sorry sir, no can do. life must go on and no matter how tiring and hectic it is, you will just have to face it. huhu, the sad reality. is it me or reality is always sad, not like fantasy.

even now, i still have several things to be finished. like writings stuff and read for tests. haish, no wonder my seniors said that my current part is the beginning of hell. wait, if this is the beginning, how about later? are we will be dwelling in hell? man, that does not sound interesting at all. but nevermind, keep that in the future, now i will just focus on things in the near future like tomorrow and the week after. that is more crucial that dreading over something that is yet to be confirmed. huhu.

stress has been uplifted i think. well, for others they may say that this workloads gives them a lot of stress. well, i do not work like any other. i love workloads. it makes me forget my personal life, which is the main reason behind all my stress. so, mounting works on me is actually a bliss. i never fret having a lot of work. i love them. haha, call me freaky, this is just me.

now, i shall do some more work. work that has been on hold for quite some time. then, i will read some notes for tests. okie, till later. tata

*student mode is on*

I shall not be someone’s rebound..

2011-04-01T23:54:00.001+08:00

Okie, you just had your breakup from a 2 years long relationship 2 days ago. You say to everyone that your heart is broken. You say that it will need time to heal the heartache. You say that the memories remain in your mind although you have tried your best to get over it. And I accept it all totally. With no sense of doubt. At all.

But today you came around to me asking to get to know me. Doing the things people always do to have someone hands and heart in their possession. Asking me to fill in the void left by the one before. To be honest, I am not that stupid okie. I know what this it. This is rebound. You just need someone to get over the other one. And of all people, you chose me? Like why? We only talked once and we only met in a brief moment and we did not even say hi. And now, you expect me to be a rebound? No way! I am too worthy to be someone’s rebound. I should be loved, not compared. Bear that in your mind.

Whatever it is, no matter how much I adore you, seriously, I am more to a fan than a friend; since I love your work, not you. I will never agree to be your rebound. I will be too stupid to do so. Sorry, come back when you are ready to love me, not to just let me fill the void.

*firm*

emotional flushing..

2011-03-30T11:31:00.002+08:00

this is actually a term i use with another friend of mine to say about the act of telling all you want about uncertainties, dissatisfactions, memories about the one you used to love to another friend in total, so that you could move on. it is like throwing everything in the cistern and flushing it down. hence the term emotional flushing. well, i have been doing this a lot with all my previous breakup, but for the recent one, i just did it last night. seriously, it helps ease up the burden i have been carrying for so long. in return, my friend, who is my emotional cistern is also flushing it all on me, because my friend also had just gone through a bad breakup recently. seriously, i never thought that something i developed when i was younger is still applicable until now. the drill is like counseling session only that this time no consideration should be made, you just need to pour out feelings and what ever is bugging you and then when you think it is over, you are entitled to end the session. that simple. you have the control.

the topic for emotional control may vary from love (the most common) to life matters, financial and even study. so yeah, last night session comprises all topic. we even talked about crazy idea what to do during this holiday. well, it is more to an emotional vacation than an emotional intervention actually this method is. but whatever it is, it has been great help to me and i think you guys should try it too..

*clean*

Conflict within me..

2011-03-29T01:51:00.000+08:00

I am a peaceful person. Yeah, it is true. Seriously, I am not bragging. Instead, at times, I wonder why am I like this. I am usually the one who choose to back out if a fight or conflict is about to happen. If people are insisting me to do things, then I will adhere to it without many questions. I am always at the losing end. Why? It is because I want to avoid conflict and confrontation. All the heartache, I just keep it in my heart. Once in a while, explosion might happen and I must say that explosion is usually so controlled until no body realizes it. Yes, I am a peaceful person and I hate conflicts.

But now, another conflict is about to happen and the trigger is me. Seriously, I am somehow terrified by what would happen. Hence the conflict within myself of how long should I hold this conflict from becoming true. If I wait for too long, than it will be too late and bigger conflict shall happen, and if I tell them now, conflict will happen and I will still need to see them. So, I am in the losing end again. For any of the choices. To be honest, I am dumbfounded by the current situation. Gosh, how I wish life is so easy and I do not have to think about a lot of stuff.

*conflicting ideas*

bad is good, good is bad.

2011-03-27T12:04:00.003+08:00

it is sunny today. okie, too sunny actually. the sun is so bright, i dont feel like going anywhere. to even get out from my house. worst still, my own room. i just dont feel like doing anything indoor. and people say sunny day as good weather day. how ironic it is with what i am feeling inside. to be honest, i dont really like the sun since it gives my skin a great sore. i just wish it is not so hot. besides, most of my bad memories happened on great sunny days by the beach. see? i dont get it why people call it good.

i like rain. but people call it bad weather. why? because you can do things outside. who says? i love to play in the rain. once i played and i almost catch pneumonia. but i just dont care. for me, rain is not the cry of the sky, instead, each droplet is the tears of joy. i can recall a lot of great memories i had in the rain. i love the feeling when the water hits my head and make me feel like i should be more care less. yes, i love the rain and i think the rain loves me to.

yes, i get it when you say that you cannot go out when it is raining and not a lot of activities could be done like strolling around in the city, shopping, observing people, but you cannot do that in bright sunlight too. i dont think people would even consider to go out if the weather is too hot. hence, the best weather for me is... cloudy with a chance of both: sunny or rainy day..

*weather-inspired*

turning point..

2011-03-26T17:20:00.003+08:00

i am about to make another decision in my life. a decision that may hurt others but pleases me. i dont know what to expect but i think i am determined. now, the focus is me and not other people. i had enough putting people before me and finally end up in sufferings while others rejoice in my defeat. it is time for me to get firm and finally withdraw my self from this S&M game. i am a masochist. i hurt myself to feel alive. but now, i cannot bear the pain anymore. my senses have return and it is advising me to think about myself and stop enslaving myself. yes, i am a slave to circumstances but now i am fighting for my independence. i shall be my own Abe.

*freedom from lies*

ohmegosh!

2011-03-24T12:26:00.003+08:00

see how atrocious is the language of my title. well, that is little if compared to what has happened today. during the meeting. language was all over. i dont think what we said just now could be considered as a legible language. it is as if we were creating a new creole. gosh, it was atrocious and i seriously is ashamed of it. then, in the meeting, content-wise, was horrible. things that are unnecessary made necessary and vice versa. gosh, i dont know how am i ever going to go to that class again. seeing the lecturer who constantly trying to understand and laughing on occasions is not cool. huhu, to be frank, i am terrified and sad by it. huhu

oh, then today i saw Tower. it has been a while since i last saw Tower. i thought people say, when you dont see someone for long, the heart will go fonder. well, not in my case. i saw Tower and all i do was look and no giddy and crazy blush on my face. yeah, i realised that i dont fancy Tower as much as before. to be honest, i treated Tower just like any other by-passers. ohmegosh, have i lost the feeling for Tower? well, in that case, it is actually a good thing. huhu. finally moving on. from that no-future-crush-of-the-lifetime-to-date.

later today i had to do my expose for my french class. gosh, i rapped through the presentation. omg, it was so fast and i was so nervous, i just speak quickly. in French! even my lecturer asked me to slow down. yes, my pronunciation was not bad (made a mistake though T0T) but it was so fast. what do you expect? i was not prepared and i came up with instantaneous sentences..

so, those are ohmegosh moments of the day. OHMEGOSH!

*damnation is near* T0T

of being a child..

2011-03-23T19:05:00.002+08:00

i dwell in the adult life too much. i think it is time for me to be a child again. and that is what i have just done. well, actually it involves an assignment actually. noticed how this few weeks the main theme of everyone post is assignments? okie, sorry for straying away. back to the story, i, at first thought of doing the usual powerpoint presentation like i always do in class. however, it came to me today that what if i make a different? what if i do things i used to do when i was young and computer is something rare and only accessible to the rich and wealthy? there it was, i went out to buy supplies and start doing it.. drawing plan on a piece of manila card and start colouring it. in the end, i am satisfied with the output although it is so childish and the drawing is beyond perfection on the other axis. haha here's the product..

okie, i am proud of my inner child.. you are great.. haha :P

*love it*

Problems..

2011-03-22T19:30:00.000+08:00

I am someone who tries my best to avoid this word. However, I am just a human and along the way, problems just need to visit me and the visit was never friendly. Most of the time, it is harsh and long. Like a visitor who is just do not know when to go back home, keep on being at your home although you have given signs that they have stayed for too long. Well, problems are like that too me. Nuisance visitor.

Seriously, this time around the visit is just too long. It made my head not functioning as well as it should be. Depression made a visit too. But at least it knows it does not belong here anymore. I stated it clearly on the door of my emotion that I don’t need it anymore. But for a few days yeah, I was blanketed by it. Luckily it went away. But problems, it just keep on lingering until to a point where I feel like screaming my lungs out asking it to go away but I know that will just result in vain.
So. Problems, I know you will haunt me maybe till the next few weeks, I just hope I have enough will power to withstand you. In the meantime, play your usual game; I will not care.

*care-less*

i should have not done it..

2011-03-20T02:11:00.003+08:00

i cannot sleep right now. i am very much bothered by what i have done. what have i done? do not i know that toying with someone's feeling is not good and been played before, have not i learned anything? gosh, people, please kick some senses in me. and the reason for my action? none since i am doing it for fun sake. gosh, i feel so evil right now. i feel as if i am betraying someone, worse, myself.

it all started with that stupid message from a friend of mine. not really that close but we have shared stories, so the friend is in the circle. the message stated that the friend wants to be with my ex. not just any ex, my first ex. the one that was my benchmark, the reason i could not find anyone for the next one year plus, the one that first changed me, the one that was the hardest to let go, the reason for my Katy Perry period. yup, the first ex. to be frank, at first, when i read the message, i was not mad or feeling anything since i have moved on from the person. besides, i am still not yet move on from my current breakup, which is sadly last november. then, the friend called asking for confirmation whether it is okie. friend, over there, you just step out of your borderline. i am a nice person but when you pushed me too far, i retaliate. and that is just what i did. anyway, i say it is okie for them to be together. like i would even care. i am over you by the way.

it came to me what if i just give that ex a simple phone call. well, our friendship(?) has been rough this last years since that ex ask for space and want to start acting like ex-es. you know what that means? well, you hate each other, can look in the face, due to all the memories and stuff. whatta? anyway, i made an innocent phone call this afternoon. let me repeat, innocent phone call to the ex number. anyway, i was just testing since the person used to not answer my call. but, i was using my other number and the person answered it. started with a simple hello and immediately recognised the voice. gosh, like seriously you still remember? i thought after those years, i shall be forgotten. it looks like no. haha. then we talked about everything. about the current relationship and what has happened. is it me or all my ex just love to ask me if there is any that i am interested in? why? do i look like someone who needs relationship all the time? no i am not. the talked went on to a lot of other topic like studies, life and stuff. got low on credits later, so i hung up. politely. with prior notice.

but it did not stop there, the ex called me. this time around doing the usual thing the person usually does when calling me back then. the i-dont-love-you-on-the-mouth-but-i-am-in-love-with-you-deep-inside kind of thing. how do i know this? well, being with the same person for two years and a half and suffered 4 major breakups with the same person will teach you quite a number of things about that person. i got thrilled by the game. call me evil but i said yes to the game offer. haha. gosh, i feel so bad. i know i should not be doing this but i think i am trapped in the game i started. and i dont have the authority now. we both do. haha. i just want to see how far will this go. to reconcile? nah, i dont feel like it. lesson learned. hehe

to my dear friend, sorry if i disturbed your relationship. blame it on yourself for telling me and made me think of the ex again. i do not mean to do a lot of harm, just a little. call me evil, well, i am. haha. do not worry. i am in no intention of stealing your current partner. only that, your partner was mine and i still have influence on the person.

*guilty pleasure*

finally..

2011-03-19T00:26:00.002+08:00

that will be the word of the day. want to know why? because a lot of things finally happened today. one of the main is i finally go to KL to just have an outing with friends. yeah, it was fun and tiring as well. being in my room all this while has kill my stamina for endurance shopping. haha. went to quite a number of stores, mostly sell clothes and seriously, they are cheap and beautiful. how i wish i could buy all and wear them. man, wanted to buy bag but dont know why, i chose not too. maybe not really a good bargain. nevermind, next time it is.

then, i finally meet Joy, my friend from before. she was shopping with hmm hmm i dont know for clothing too. just a brief meeting n no catching up were done. we just talked a bit, introduce the unknowns, talked and then moved on to shopping again. it was nice though meeting here.

then, i finally eat froyo. just so you know, froyo is FROzen YOgurt. see? okie, back to the story. spend an amount of RM25 for it but worth every cent. love the taste. it was very raspberry and cookies and cream. with nata de coco, strawberry and kiwi topping. yummeh! me want more. haha.

finally, i got Natasha back. just in case yo guys are wondering, Natasha is my bike. it has been away from me for quite sometime now. well, blame it on my laziness. i just dont feel like going to the distance just to have her back although i really need her. but now, she's back and girl, i am gonna treat you right.. haha..

that is all i want to say about the day and the word finally. till soon

*exhausted*

miserable tuesday..

2011-03-16T02:36:00.002+08:00

today is the worst day ever.. to date that is. can you imagine shitty things keep on happening to you non stop. omg, i am seriously surprise that i chose to continue living, not to put it to an end at some point. because any normal human i dont think can handle the amount of mishaps that have happened to me. like seriously.

today started with me waking for a class that was cancelled. thanks for the no intention of telling it to me friends, i seriously love you guys. then, with that swollen eyes due to not having enough sleep, i am remembered of something that i am not fond of, writing a poem that need to be hand in by tonight. seriously, it is no fun when you have limited vocab and creativity. gosh, it was tiring thinking of one, imagine 3 of it. luckily i finished it.

then, in class, i learned the hard truth about my subject. man, i wish i had never enrolled in this course. like seriously. i dont like planning. i am a free soul. then, in another class, i was criticized for being 'slow' in the making of the anthology for my Sastera class. whatta? i dont even see my classmates often, how am i supposed to do the work? who nominated me to be the editor in the first place. damn, i hate everything about that class. okie, maybe not everything, something but most of it.

then, today i decided to eat less. just once a day. reason: to save money and lose weight. well, guess what? i lost more money. all due to the Sastera class. i missed the last bus, had t take a cab, when i pay, the cab driver do not have any change. so i have to just pay with extra money. gosh, saving just failed. if i had known this would happen, i could have just eat. DAMN!

seriously, i am anguish right now. i am in no position for any fun. i am feeling the hate that the world is giving me. thanks so much for all the hardships. makes me wonder, why am i still alive? to be a toy to the situation?

*mad as hell*

Of losing weight and gaining it..

2011-03-10T14:06:00.000+08:00

People keep on asking me to lose more weight. I want it too. But seriously it is hard to do so. Okie, I had tremendous weight loss before, like 28 kilos in a few months. However, I was an anorexic back then. I eat like seriously little and I could say far from satisfactory. However, I feel full due to the anorexic mindset. Omg, if only you guys know how hard it is to get out from anorexia nervosa. I even had a counseling session from my mum since she had been seeing me not eating at all. But that was all in the past.

Now, I am fat. Like seriously fat. I do not like it. I prefer the skinny me more. Well, I was never real skinny, even during anorexia, I was more to love (haish, I hate this phrase like from the moon and back) but now, I am just fat. I need to lose weight but the situation is not really supportive. Tension increases weight. Fact. I live in a stressful environment. Fact. Hence, I am fat. Fact also. Huhu, losing weight is so difficult.

Once, I had a thought of resorting back to anorexia. Luckily someone talked to me and made me back on my senses of how bad is anorexia. Hey, I know all the fact about anorexia but I just feel like doing it. It gives me happiness by going up on the scale and look at my weight going down, and down and down. I want that again to happen to me.

Huhu, now I am searching for the best way to lose weight and how to feel full for long. Hope going to find one soon.

*worrying*

Getting nowhere with work..

2011-03-10T13:56:00.000+08:00

OMG, what is happening to me? I got a pile of work to be finished and I have yet to finish any! Whatta? Okie, when I say pile, I don’t mean a small stack okie, I mean like a lot, like real a lot, and I am to no intention in doing it. What? Blame it on lack of inspiration? That can only be applied to blogging, not work. Work do not really need inspiration (notice the ‘really’ in the clause, work do need a little inspiration) but mostly it is input transformed into legible output. Now, I am not doing any, instead, I am blogging about not doing any!

Okie, because of this worrying situation (I shall name it situation, a problem becomes a problem when you call it a problem) I am seriously teriified thinking about my final results. What will become of me? Will I achieve DL again this semester? OMG, I am scared to death only that I am still breathing hard. Damn, I do not know what to expect. I hope everything turns out well in the end. I really hope. In the mean time, I am very much terrified, by all the possibilities that might happen.

*pray*

Update: Island work+vacation

2011-03-09T01:01:00.002+08:00

I have not been updating this blog for quite sometime now. Well, all due to deprivation of inspiration. Okie, anyway I want to tell you guys about my work + vacation at an island recently. Actually it is a class trip and it is for a course assessment. But hello, you are on a vacation island, will you do your work only and not have fun? Never. That was what happened. Oh, by the way, it was Pangkor island. For those who have no idea (like seriously?), just google it up. I do not feel like putting up facts in here since this is my blog, not an information counter. Hehe.

Oh, actually before I went there, I got this uneasy feeling in my stomach saying that something bad is about to happen. Well, I was the program committee member and I seriously was worried if the program fails and disrupt my marks. Luckily, my doubt was not satisfied. It was a success, although by a little margin. We did increase the students’ self confidence and they can talk in front of crowd now. It was a good improvement in them and an indicator of successfulness of our program. All in all, I am happy with the program.

Now, let’s talk about the vacation part. OMG, my days were filled with seawater. Yes, I am constantly in the sea, exposing my skin to the sunlight and trying my best to get a good tan, but to no avail. Looks like melanin don’t really work in my body. I am still as fair as before, if darker, maybe on very low level. Like a cup of milk added with a teaspoon of coffee. That dark. Haha. Then went for a 15 minutes shopping spree at the jetty to buy sea products. Went there for 3 days 2 nights.

To be honest, it was a good breakaway from SA. For once, I could forget all my problems here. Being back in my element (the sea) is so good, it feels great and it made me realize why I love my hometown. Sea is great. It holds calmness and secrets. Among them are mine.

*slightly calmer*

okie, i think i have accepted it..

2011-03-03T15:59:00.002+08:00

after days of agonising pain of self loathe and self blame, i finally come to my senses that it is all fated. there is a lesson that i need to learn behind all those bad experiences. however, i am still thinking about it. i have yet to come to the revelation. whatevs, seriously i am tired and bored of thinking about it. let bygones be bygones and as a person, i need to move on with life. so, negativity put aside, hello new experiences. however, i am still going back to my hometown next week just to find some comfort there. i need a break like seriously.

today it came to me that maybe i will find a replacement piece for the lost lappy. this time, the financial support is from no ne but yours truly. what? i lost something and i need to repay it. even though the loan is from my mom. hmm, check out some new ones and i think i fell in love with one. but that is still in consideration. i cannot say much since i am having not that many financial strength. huhu. sad truth.

so, yeah, i dont want to go around breaking down for no reason anymore. well, actually there is reason. okie, no more breaking down. let's start a new emotion collecting and once it is unbearable, explode again just like what has happened. haha, let just hope not in near future okie.

*positive*

Tests in life..

2011-03-02T11:20:00.000+08:00

I don’t know why, but most people said that the latest bad incident that happened to me is a test from God. Really? Well, if that is the case, He has been quite persistent in giving me tests. Non-stop since I was a young chap. Seriously, this time around I seriously could not handle the stress. Suicide, runaway, pact with the dark side, losing my religion, all have came to my mind. Seriously, I dot know if I can ever handle this time around.

The bigger question I kept on asking since the day the last incident happened is why me? Is it because I know all the rules in the religion and I chose to defy most of it? Or does God demands for my obedience towards Him? Or is God just seeing me as an interesting subject to be played with. Another interesting fact about all these ‘test’, it happens just after I learn to love the things. For example, my new lappy, just few weeks after I splurged a large amount of money to buy its accessories, then it was stolen. The same goes for the previous one. Then, when I was young, when I start to love my dad more, and on one of my most important day, the exam of my favourite subject, he fell sick. Then, on the day I was sick and my mom was asked to leave his side, he passed away. Seriously, I still feel guilty for stealing the last moment between my mum and my dad. I kept on asking God why you make me the cause of their separation. I still remember the sadness in her face. Seriously, I still feel guilty.

So, that is it. I seriously don’t know why am I so called being tested like consistently. And everytime I am being tested, something I love will be taken away. Maybe that is the reason why I hate my life, if I love it, I might lose it. I may sond like someone who does not believe in God anymore eright? Well, I am still figuring things out..

*seriously I am wondering*

sadness overwhelm, anger elevated, trust demolished.

2011-02-26T16:22:00.000+08:00

my laptop is lost again.

i seriously feel angry right now. i am full of anger. i need a place to lash out all the wrath in my heart. i feel like killing. killing is actually mercy now. i seriously hate that whole situation. i even thought of making a pct with the devil just to get revenge. it is not cool, i thought deeply of it, finally, i return to god. but still, the anger remains. the flame will never be put off easily.

i am sad. i am sad that i lost something precious and important. i am sad that i lost something that my late dad last bought for me. i am sad that i need to tell my mum sad news and make her feel uneasy. i am sad that i cried. i am sad because of the lost information and memories. i am sad that these things happened to me.

i trust no one now. i trust no one but myself. even that i have doubt sometimes. trust has been demolished the moment i found out that safe haven is no longer safe. i trust no one and i should not as world is filled with cunning and sly people who take advantage on every open opportunity.

i am seriously having one of the biggest emotional turmoil ever. i am angry at everyone. i trust no one. i am sad and all by myself. period.

*i hate this world*

Racism was never okie..

2011-02-21T01:51:00.001+08:00

I don’t know why some people choose to be racist. For me, there is nothing nice in being racist. Yes, we do make racist jokes once a while, which I consider it as fine as it is in jokingly manner and although some hearts will be hurt, but not as badly as it will by a racist remarks. I don’t know why some people just think that they belong to a better ethnic group. To be honest people, I never think that there is any ethnic group higher than others. We are all the same. We may be different in skin colours and all, but still, we are all human.

Some use the basis of religion to be racist and give racist remarks. Like seriously people? I thought all religion in this world promote good and nice behaviour. No religion tells it followers to detest the non-followers and call them names that are not appropriate. Another thing, do you think by doing so, it makes you look like a pious person? Well, let me put it straight in your face. NO!! in fact, you just tarnished the name of your religion. Yes, we all have our belief system and we believe that it is the truth, but just because others choose not to believe, must we condemned them that harsh? Yes, we may call them the non-believers and lure them to our religion, but with that attitude? I don’t think so.

We live in a harmonious environment okie people. Just play cool and live well among us. Do not implant such thoughts in us and especially to the future generations. This is going nowhere. No matter how much you detest a race or races, they will still co exist with you. What? Thinking of major genocides? Well, I think in that case you should be the one to be eradicated. Like seriously.

*racism sucks real bad*

i feel so bad..

2011-02-19T01:22:00.002+08:00

okie, first of all, i need to mention that as i am writing this, i am having a fever and diarrhea. well, it is so hard for me to fall sick but once i fell, it will be severe. so, that is what i am facing right now. a bit under the weather. but, that does not really bothers me as i think i need some rest, what bothers me is that this sickness comes at the wrong time. i have events going on. sale to be exact and i am part of the group. i could not attend the sale because i am too sick to even stand up straight. but seriously, i feel like i have let down a lot of people. people, please forgive me. i beg you.

then, tomorrow, i have another activity, i dont know whether i can be strong enough to join it. seriously, i feel like checking into a hospital and rest for several days. i am just too tired and sick..

*sick*

That is so not cool..

2011-02-15T02:20:00.002+08:00

You were dumped. You were left heartbroken. You were slapped on the face by a simple goodbye. You were told that the relationship could no longer be saved. Easily said, you were ruined due to the breakup. Up till now, the pain and wound are yet to heal and all you could do is diverting your focus away from the pain to the things that you used to love. The person that you love or fond of. The person who was partially the reason for the breakup. The sunshine of your day. The reason of your smile and happiness. The one that give you the will to carry on (besides God of course). The Tower that brings you to the peak of your heart.

But, when you search for that person, it will be so hard to find. Just like happiness. The more you search for it, the less appearance it makes. But just by knowing the existence is actually more than enough to keep you satisfied. Seriously, when you have lost all places you could hang on, you would not mind drifting on air. You only hear stories about the person. But you never see the person in person. Maybe it is for the better. Your heart may be too vulnerable to accept the fact that you and the person is just impossible due to the untreated wound and pain from the breakup with someone you used to dearly love.

Then, one day you got news about the person. News that you wish you never heard. News that the person has now changed. No longer the person you knew, or fond of. The news about how the person has become similar to the one who walked away from your life. The one who left you devastated. The one who shattered your heart into a million pieces with no intention of putting them back together. Seriously, the visual is disturbing and numbing at the same time. You felt a deep stomp on your heart. Stepped by nothing else but the bitter memories of the breakup. You are now lost in the deepest core of sadness and regret.

That is so not cool. Just when you thought there is a chance for you to heal and get up, you were crushed again by your own crush. it hurts real bad, it is salt on open wounds. All you could do is keep it inside and tell it to the stars and moon on a crying night.

*emo*

First time

2011-02-13T22:37:00.000+08:00

There is a first time to everything. First kiss, first fall, first heartbreak and so on and so forth. Actually, what I want to say is this is the first time I write my blogpost on my new iMac. Yes, I just got myself an iMac. Although it is not new (I bought it from a friend since he needed money) but still, it is new for me. To be honest, I am seriously happy and glad when I buy this. Never in my life would I imagine myself owning a Mac. Now, I have it, an iMac. Of my own. Seriously, I am happy. That is all I want to say. I just want to share my happiness with you guys.

*excited*

i think i lost it..

2011-02-09T11:07:00.003+08:00

i used to be good. i used to be the target of competition. i used to be hated and envied due to my performance. i used to be able to elaborate my ideas clearly to others and speak my mind. i used to be able to generate a lot of ideas. i used to be confident. i used to love attention. i used to be outspoken and loud and say what i want to say and state my stand. i used to be good in a lot of stuff. i used to be good.

now, i choke during presentation. i stumble while talking to people. i have thousand slips of the tongue. i self-doubt a lot. i seriously turn shy. i am no longer fun to be with. i am at blur most of the time. i am a nobody now. seriously, i am nobody now.

seriously, i am disappointed with myself. what has happened to me in this few years. i thought being older means wiser, but why am i deteriorating? i feel dumb. i do not like this feeling. i feel helpless and i cant think of anything to help myself. sometimes, when i see people who used to be of lower level progress, i feel sad for myself as i has regressed. seriously, i feel down right now. i want to be that smart, being envied person again. not just some big-fat-not-good looking-low self-esteem-bimbo that happened to exist in the midst of people. i dont want to be a has been. i want to be the it person.

*down*

Someone like you

2011-02-06T17:48:00.001+08:00

That is what I have been looking for since you walk away from my life. Someone who could give me that warm feeling I feel when you whisper in my ears that you love me. Someone who could give me the same shivers when you hold my hand and touch me to show me that you will always be there, by my side, through thick and thin. Someone who will give me the same secured and blissful feeling I feel when you put your arms around me. Seriously, I miss you damn much and I hate to admit this, but yeah, I have not moved on since the day you decide to walk away from my life. The day I realise that I have made a mistake that I could not revert. I know I sounded lame, but that is what I feel. Call me lame, I just could not be bothered.

Now, I have to live with the fact that you are no longer in my life and I have to go through it alone, all by myself. Gosh, I don’t know whether I have the strength to go through it. However, I have gone through it before, I just need to learn again how to do so. Losing support after so many years of dependency on it is so not cool.

I guess you might have moved on. Well, you usually heal fast since I have been giving you several ill treatments during all the time we were together. Well, it is not one sided, you too teach me a thing or two about cruelty. Hehe, seriously, we were abusive and yet we love one another. How ironic. Back to the topic, I think you have found someone new and I guess that person could give you the thing I could not give you. I wish for the best of you too, sincerely. I don’t hope for you to return since I know it is almost impossible for that to happen. There is only one thing I want to ask from you that is to not forget me. Seriously, I still hold tightly to our memories; both sweet and bitter. Bittersweet; that was what we were.

That is all I want to say to you. Seriously, I am still looking for someone like you.

*emotional*

Getting off focus.. again..

2011-01-29T11:00:00.000+08:00

I told myself a thousand times. This semester will be better than the previous and I will put my focus solely on my studies. Hmm, looks like the whole telling yourself scheme has yet to show success. Instead, nowadays I go to classes with an annoyed face and a deep reluctance settled on my face, mind and soul. To be honest, I do not get it why? It is a self planned plan and I still fail to do so. I feel down with myself.

Due to this behaviour also, I have been sensing that some lecturers have started to feel annoyed and has started not liking me. What?! That is something new to me. Okie, not that new. I am always hated by at least one lecturer due to my attitude. Well, imagine having a student who comes to class, sits at the back, put on an annoyed face and do other work while the lecturer is teaching. Well, that student is me. So, I am quite used to being not liked. But usually this situation is fixed after a few weeks due to my participation in class later. But this time, I did not even have the effort to participate at all. Gosh, I have gone astray from my focus. Again.

I need to rethink about my focus again. I have to take a deep breath and set my focus again.

*thinking*

Lost..

2011-01-24T22:45:00.003+08:00

Lost..

Being in a car for an extra one hour and a half is nothing cool. Your emotion starts going unstable. At first, you feel normal and determined to reach your destination. The mood of everyone will be all okie, friendly talks happen and discussion on what to do once we reach the place.

Then, you missed an exit. You start feeling the worry but it still does not bother you much for you have faith that the next exit will be the exit where you could make a turn to the place you are going. Now, you are one hopeful person. Then, once you see the next exit, you enter it; with hope soaring high in your mind and heart.

Then, you reach a place which seems to be a place of never-ending residential area. You start having panic attack but you try your best to stay calm. You still talk normally but this time, you could hear annoyance and unsure vibes coming from the speech. You will just follow your gut and do what you think is right to do to get out from the place. In the mean time, you look around and realise a lot of things. Among them is the place you wanted to go yesterday which were difficult to reach but now, it is right in front of your eyes.

Then, you keep on moving but to no avail. Your destination is nowhere near in sight and you start to feel anxious and angsty. You still talk but the soul is no more. You are now a Leona and emo-ness creeps in the void left by normal emotion. You start think everything negatively. Tension can be sensed filling the confined area of the car. This time, you only talk when it is necessary and when something went wrong add to your negativity. Giving up is now an option. Rationale is at its lowest. You can make decision correctly. You feel a rush of emotion: sad, angry, about to cry etc.

The journey continues. You seriously do not know what to expect. You start feeling a little bit light headed. You had nothing to put your faith on. You just go with the flow. Although we all know that deep in your heart, hope still lingers and want to make a break.

When you think everything is in vain, suddenly you see a familiar road: The road which will direct you to the destination. At first, you will feel hesitation in your mind because everything looks too good to be true but you want to believe it since you got nothing to lose now: You already lost something. You just follow the road and finally reach the destination. Seriously, at this time, your heart will be filled with a great sense of relief and you will just laugh about what has happened earlier.

*actually this is what happened to me last Sunday when I was on the way to my friend’s sister’s house. We got lost for more than 2 hours and we were on the verge of becoming crazy. Haha

*crazy*

Plans that became reality..

2011-01-23T01:00:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, before all of us went our own way, we said to one another tomorrow we will see my friend perform (sing) at a carnival (in the university, not any circus or funfair) and go to the flea market in PJ. Being a pessimist I am famous for, I nod with doubts filling my anticipation. I even sleep at very late since I am not confident about executing the plan. However, things worked out differently. I did go through everything planned, with extra things along the way.

I did wake up on time and catch my friend performed in front of the public. She was great. Her pronunciation in Japanese is something to be envied of. Man, not in a million years can I be good like her. I better stick to French. Oh yeah, the carnival however, was dull. Seriously, less than 10 booths? Not a carnival as far as I am concerned. Although the food look not so appealing, but some of my friend did buy some. I wanted that raw white tuna sushi (if you are a real Japanese food fan, you will know how rare is that) but I was too late. Better luck next time. Then, we made our move to a kopitiam to have our brunch (to be honest, I cannot recall the last time I had by proper 2 time breakfast and lunch, it is always combined).

Then, we had our brunch. Some with their ever so fancy phone (well at least compared to mine) surf the net and start tweeting about the topics and what we are doing at the kopitiam. Haish, life nowadays and social networking just cannot be separated. Suddenly my friend who suggested the plan to PJ sort of wanted to bail out since the place is quite alien to her and she wanted to avoid nag and confrontation. At that time, my doubt was satisfied but not for long. We decided to go along with the plan.

Get lost along the way. Expected. What?! The place is alien to us as mentioned earlier. But we did arrive at the place. Lost again. This time, in the building. Ask a promoter and guess what is the reaction? She answered it well but in the same sentence she promoted the product she supposed to promote. Super cool. The sentence is nowhere near congruence but she just go with it. Girl, you made my day. Thanks to the info, we found the place.

Upon arrival, all I could see is FASHION items. Cute! I love all of it. How I wish I could buy them all and wear them. But those are dreams. Made on sweet clouds, nice to see but to hold is impossible. Well, let just say, I circled the place a few times and help my friend picked an item. A cool pinecone-like ring. Another friend of mine got to meet her favourite blogger. Good for you girl. Oh, I missed a part at the flea market. Can you imagined that? I circled and missed a spot. How weird. Whatevs.

Then, we headed home. To be honest, by that time, sleepiness crept in and I tried to control my yawn most of the time. Finally, after dropping two of my friends, we headed home (we here is my another friend and I). Getting out from the car became a mission impossible when we were too tired and I seriously felt my leg wobbled around. Huhu, talk about how shopping can drench your spirit, looks like your physical too. Once we reached home, we find the best spot and lay our body to get the proper rest it should get.

All in all, I am happy that the plan goes as planned. Hope for more adventure later.

*happily tired*

Like seriously?

2011-01-21T16:23:00.000+08:00

Imagined being in a class, with an instructor who has years of experience in the field he or she is teaching and referred by others as an expert, suddenly says to everyone in the class not to ask deep questions since she or he is not really understand what the topic is all about. Seriously, that happened to me recently. To be honest, the moment I heard this, I freaked out. How is the person going to mark my papers correctly when her or his understanding is not that high? Besides, the language proficiency of the person is also not that high. Worst of all, the person is also the core person of the subject. Seriously, I am scared.

What if I write the answers according to the book but not the way the person deciphered it? Will I get the marks that I deserved? So many questions are playing in my mind since the person showed me the incompetency. I pray for the best and I really mean it. I just hope our mind sync and the answers that I will give are according to the person’s understanding.

*freaked out*

Sadness, I just don’t get you..

2011-01-19T00:44:00.001+08:00

These few days, my life has been upside down. My mood swings extremely fast. I am easily saddened by anything lovely. I seriously recalled my previous relationships and every memory hurts me to the limit. I have been crying silently in my sleep. I somehow do not see the purpose of living at some point and at times, I just want to give up on everything. Including life. I had a feeling like my depression was returning back to me. OMG, I do not want that to happen again. So today, I going to lash out all my sorrow and despair on a piece of paper, write myself a poem about how my heart feels and finally let go of the sadness.
Seriously, I don’t really get it why I feel such way in the first place. It is not like people from my past come back and haunt me or sort. It just came without my notice. All I know, suddenly I am troubled by my memories. Let it be sad or happy, every memory hurts. So, I thought to myself, it is about time I take control of myself again. Cognitive over emotion. Be more productive and sadness, I can seriously put you aside and ignore you. I know to eradicate is impossible, so I will learn how to live with sadness which might be overwhelming at times. Till then, I am so forgetting you sadness..

*positive*

Sweet love story + being alone = depression..

2011-01-16T16:26:00.000+08:00

Okie, on the tv as I am writing this entry is a sweet love story between a girl and a robot. The story is so sweet and the love between the two looked so sincere and believable. I am watching it alone. Seriously, it is depressing for me. Huhu, after the major breakup and sort of lost hope for love, watching sweet love story is like watching a cat being burned alive; Depressing and full of gruesome images. Besides, I think I am being cruel to myself by tormenting myself to finish the show. Huhu, but the show is just beautiful and I will not trade it with anything. Although as I watch this, my heart starts shattering and by the time it will end, which is soon, I might need to collect them fast because the wind of misery took some of it and fly them away. Wow, poetic words from me. Haha. But seriously, I’m trying my best to contain my tears from flowing down my cheeks. Sweet love story never failed to make me cry. But not Nicholas Sparks however, they are just too depressing..

*love story sucks soul*

Don’t make me feel like a lamp post..

2011-01-15T11:13:00.000+08:00

You know the feeling where you went out with your friend, which at first supposed to be just you and your friend but suddenly received addition of several people whom you do not really like or even know and worst of all, the partner of your friend? Seriously, this situation sucks. Like real bad sucks. Sucks until you feel like killing your friend and his or her partner than commit suicide kind of sucks. I hate it when people bring friend along when they are meeting their loved one. Like what is the point of them bringing the friend just to ignore them later? That is so inconsiderate and insensitive.

For me, if you want to go out with your someone, just go out by yourselves. Not with bunch of friends that you will just ditch later once that particular someone arrives. Then, PDA in front of your friend is so not needed. We know you guys love one another but you don’t have to show it in front of us. We just don’t care, or jealous. It is just plain obnoxious. Plus, you could bring your partner along when you are going out with your friend, only if the partner is known or is the friend of your friends. If not, just keep it to yourself please. I have enough friends I think and I don’t want to add more but I will never get close since I am known to be one hell of a snatcher, although I don’t do that.. anymore. Huhu.

Seriously, a friendly outing can turn into a silent feud if the person who suggested it is so not sensitive and person-centred. I have been into several occasions and I hope for no more. I had enough of keeping my anger. Let just hope I won’t lash out to the person and just walk away from the whole outing. The, you have reach my limit and if that going to ruin our friendship, I just don’t mind. Seriously, I need real friend, not FFB or insensitive friend or just friend.

*annoyed*

Please, I detest such behaviour..

2011-01-13T20:18:00.000+08:00

Okie, recently I talked to my girlfriends. The topic: Boyfriends who asked for the girl’s social networking access information. For me, I seriously despise this kind of behaviour since it is considered as a breach of privacy for me. Who gave the boyfriend the right to control the girlfriend’s life since they are not legally bound aka married? This kind of boyfriend for me is super insecure and does not have trust in people as well as themselves. What a shame to constantly live in paranoia. Everyone has their right on how to live their life. Even when you are married, that woman still has the right to have her privacy. Hello, it is not like all women who have privacy thought of being infidel. Haish..

Another annoying fact about this kind of BF is that they will never give the girl the access to their account however. So, it is a loss to the girl and a gain for the guy. So not fair. In the end, the guy is the one who found someone else and ditch the girl for the new one. I seriously hate this kind of guys. They are such a disgrace to the male population. Boo to guys who do this.

*je deteste*

Mencuba sesuatu yang baru..

2011-01-12T14:32:00.001+08:00

Ini post bahasa melayu aku yg ketiga kot. Seingat aku la. Apa-apa pun, aku nak tulis dalm bahasa melayu sebab bersesuaian ngan topic yang aku nak tulis ni. Semester ni aku masuk kokurikulum dalam bahasa melayu. Untuk menambah kesengsaraan, sastera bahasa melayu *bunyi suara pompuan menjerit dlam citer seram*. Bak kata org putih, literature la. Secara serius, korg tak tahu betapa susahnya aku nak tulis dalam bahasa melayu ni. Dah berapa lama dah aku x menulis apa-apa dalam bahasa melayu, alih-alih amik ko, sastera bagai. Mmg sengsara okie *tambah lagu sedih drama bersiri melayu kat sini*. Tapi takpa, aku redha ngan ketentuan hidup ini. Camtu kan ayat.. hebat ko Sai..

Okie, semalam aku pi kelas pertama, dan cuba teka? Aku sorg je yg dtg, org len haram. En. Solihin, jurulatih aku pn pelik nape takde org yang dtg. Aku pn gtau la dia yg ikut system klas bukan kat situ, tp kat tempat len. Aku pun tau sbb aku telefon dia. Kalu x, aku pn sama cam org len gak la. Tunggu punya tunggu sampai kul 8 lebih-lebih skit last last kitorg mulakan je la klas tu. Dia terang pasal markah dan sume hal-hal teknikal tu, pastu aku tulis nama dan balik. Huhu.. sumpah cam terbuang je masa aku kat situ. Takpa la, kurang-kurang dapat kehadiran kan.

Apa-apa pun, sekarang ni aku tengah pikir, camne aku nak tulis 3 sajak bahasa melayu? Klu sajak English pn aku tak bape nk sure nk wat camne, ni kan plak bahasa melayu. Abis la..

*tgh pikir*

disagreement and what i would do about it

2011-01-10T10:52:00.002+08:00

in life, we cannot be satisfied by everything. we will have disagreement due to the variation of mindset and way of thinking. this variation is the one which colours the world and make it more interesting to live in. a very varied and nonuniform world. imagine life with everyone having the same way of thinking. it only come to a word and it is BORING! so people, disagreement is normal and we should have disagreement in order to feel alive. okie, is it me or the last sentence sounds like words from a psychopath who constantly looking for excitement in the world in order to feel alive? who cares, as long as i state my points.

i also, being a human, or psychopath (who knows?) do have disagreements. let it be family, friends or policy maker. how i handle it? well, let me just say i am a person with a white colour personality. i hate conflicts. i hardly confront people for anything that i am not satisfied of. so, i would finally end up keep quiet about the whole situation and just accept what will happen next. i would only stand up about the thing if only i feel it is worthy. if not, i would only disagree in my heart..

*whatevs*

Life sucks..

2011-01-09T10:48:00.000+08:00

OMG, seriously life sucks at the moment. Myself is constantly bored by life. I don’t see the point of living right now. Most of the time, I stay in my room, surfing the net and interacting there. To be honest, I don’t know how many real life friend I have right now and even if I have any, they don’t really see me as someone important to them. I am just a person exist among their friends. Seriously, I don’t mean to offend anyone but that is the truth I am seeing currently. I am a friendless person.

Yeah, I used to say maybe I don’t really need anybody besides myself in this world. But, after a while, I seriously feel lonely. As if I am the only person in my world. I don’t talk to people. I got no one to turn to. I am sad most of the time, which I hid it quite good since nobody realises it or maybe, I am just ignored. I don’t know but one thing for sure, life sucks currently.

*sucking away my youth*

No feelings towards you anymore.

2011-01-07T12:41:00.001+08:00

Last semester I had tortured you guys, my readers with my rambles on a particular person that I have a great sense of liking or should I say, crush of a lifetime, Tower. Tower was the reason for all the happiness, heartache, laughter, smiles and not to mention, cries. Tower was also the reason for my breakup *huhu* (T-T). Anyway, I know that Tower will graduate from this learning institution this semester and fly all the way to a different continent and stay at California for at least another 4 years to come. Well, since the incident (my breakup), I sort of lose hope in relationship. Seriously, I got no love for anyone. Love as in affection. As in partner, get it? So, I put my life focus right now is to study.

But, recently I bumped into Tower at the faculty. Maybe Tower was there to take the graduation pictures, hence the presence of photographers at various settings. Usually, upon the sight of Tower, my heart will pound as hard as it could and I will get all CRAZEH!! But not this time, I just acknowledge Tower’s presence and continue doing whatever I was doing at that time. I felt nothing. Tower is now nothing more than just a person at the same place as me. No more love for Tower.

Seriously, it is weird to suddenly lose interest in someone I used to drool over. Whatever it is, I just hope Tower will be happy with the life and journey he will soon embark in a different land. Good Luck TOWER!

p/s: saw my previous crush recently. Damn, F (the codename) is ruined..

*stray away from love*

please be there..

2011-01-05T17:35:00.001+08:00

if you guys think that this going to be a love post due to the title; the post where a person writes about his or her longing to someone he or she loves and cares so much and hope that person loves him or her back and be there where they suppose to meet; you guys are absolutely... WRONG!!! this is a post about shopping to be honest. how shopping and the title relates? here it goes..

i went to the shopping mall, alone, after settling some stuff i need to do at the post office, to buy some things that i need for the survival of myself here in my rental house. but, before that, i have a feeling that i want to look for new handphones since my current phones are safely said.. SICK and SAD.. my sister once said that my phones are having gadget AIDS because they are deteriorating slowly (whatta?!). i am buying a phone not because i want fancy phones or i want to show off, it is just i need new ones to continue living. wow, how phones effects my life. so, i went to the place where most phones are bought here in SA.

i was looking for a phone that will suit me. a person who talk less, message more. QWERTY keypad is a must. i have seen how my phones suffers due to my extensive messaging. pity them, so my new resolution is to find a phone that will not suffer much. but once i am there i am appalled..

the place is crowded by that super-trendy-phones-that-are-too-expensive-for-the-features-it-has-that-i-will-never-afford-to-have-due-to-its-nonsensical-charges-and-high-price-machines. seriously people, i think most of you know what the brand is, i am so not promoting it on my blog. seriously, they are just too much, i am left with no choice. haish, please be there, things i want the most.

*please be there*

Day goes by..

2010-12-29T17:41:00.006+08:00

Finally, internet is within my reach. That can only mean one thing, yes people, I am back in SA and my new semester has begun. Seriously, I want to focus on my study more this semester since I was so not focus about it last semester. All due to what? None other than the usual people of my age and stage of life most significant conflict; intimacy versus solitary. Or easier said love or more specific matters of the heart. Haha, very particular huh about a term. So, this sem, all disturbances form that matter are no longer exist (that means I broke up and had no one to rebound and seriously trying to move on), I surely hope education and studies is my new priority.

Oh yeah, we also have entered the New Year. Hello 2011, bye bye 2010. With this new year, I wish for all the good thing to come and make my life more meaningful and prosperous. No more heartache I wish. Friends, I hope I can get more of them later and achieve a few more success that I could be proud of. Hmm, okie, that is all for now. Later..

*new year*

I just cannot forgive you..

2010-12-28T02:35:00.000+08:00

I am not a grudge holder. I do not hold grudge for people often. Most of the time, when people do wrong to me, I will take some time to think about it, get crazy because of it, cry because of it and finally let the thing pass through me. Grudge hardly clings on to me. Not to say that I do not hold any grudge at all, I do hold some that is too hard to be forgiven and forgotten. But none of my grudges are as bad as this one grudge I am holding for someone I used to call a friend. Let me assign the former friend as “IHU”

This one incident is still very much fresh in my mind. I am able to recall everything that happened and how much I despise that person for ever doing that to me. Seriously, that incident is so bad, I should have launched a report on it, which I did not since I considered IHU as my friend. I even got nightmares about it sometimes. To be honest, that incident took something from me. The capability to love someone, physically. Emotionally, I am able to love someone, but physically I became extremely defensive and a slight touch can cause me to be terrified of the person I love. I am just too scared. Thanks so much “friend”.

I cannot think of IHU, I cannot bear to look at pictures that have IHU inside. I cannot even read IHU name without despising from the bottom of my heart. After thoroughly thinking, I have decided that I will throw the memory away by removing everything that is connected to IHU. Seriously, I am deleting you, IHU.. do not ever attempt to get close to me anymore for that was the mistake I made that make me who I am now. I want to get over the incident and move on with life. I will think of you as a part of a bad nightmare that will be gone once I am awake from my sleep.. please, go away..

*trying to forget, not to forgive*

my dad is no longer with us.. Ayah..

2010-12-13T15:08:00.004+08:00

my dad passed away..

i have nothing to write on it because i dont know what i feel about it..

i just pray that he will be placed with good and faithful people in the hereafter..

It looks like I will have to live with these facts..

2010-12-05T14:33:00.000+08:00

First of all, I would like to apologise for leaving this blog for quite some time now. I have no internet connection in my house. So, even if I really want to use the net so bad, I just could not. Okie, actually I have been writing through this hiatus even though I did not publish the pieces. Mostly are updates and emotions, seriously blogging is something so close to me, I cannot stop. Among the topics are:-

• About my playlist, it understands me too much. It just knew what song to play according to my mood. Seriously, I love it but when I am sad, I hate it. Haha
• About being scolded by my parents for not depending on them (?!). Sorry, you guys thought me to back out from asking anything too much back in my younger years and now, I just do not know how to do it anymore. I depend on myself only.
• About the health issue. A lot of my family members are sick currently. Fever, dengue, torn muscle etc. I pray for good health here.
• About part time work. Not going to happen here. My dad is admitted to the hospital and I need to visit him every day.
But I want more money!
• About economy (?!). Price of fuel is up again and being a slightly fortunate has a lot of downsides.

That is what I have written during this hiatus. Hope to give you guys more updates okie.

*currently in an emotional storm*

Looking back..

2010-11-16T18:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I stroll into my FB account for no apparent reason. I just feel like doing it. Then, I stumbled upon my collection of notes. Some are from way before, back in my foundation year. Upon reading it, memories are recalled. Sweet and bitter combined. Friendship, relationship and any other ship that I have put myself aboard. OMG, how different I was back then. I was more confident, random and seriously, more fun to hang out with. I was always known for my loudness.

Now, I am just a boring person. A person who would rather die and rot in his room than to go out and have fun. A guy who thinks about everything critically and analytically until finally decided to stop from doing anything. Oh my, how time has changed me. I am also not as loud as before, not as wild and certainly, not as fun.

So, I am thinking to revert back to the old me, but still keeping the positive sides of the new me. This is because I realised back then I was happier and livelier. Life certainly was better. I want life now is better. Hence, changes should be made and friends, I will try to say yes to every single chances of having fun. Hehe

*old is gold*

Goodbye initial 1..

2010-11-15T03:26:00.000+08:00

For the past 10 years of my life, I have been telling people about how long have I been on this earth by stating numbers with initial of 1. But, form today onwards, 14 November 2010, I shall introduce myself using initial 2. Haha, such a weird intro for a blog entry huh? Actually I am writing about my 20ty birthday. Finally, the day has come. I am officially old huhu (TOT).. I do not remember who among us who create the rule that if you are 20, then you are officially old. It is because when you tell people “hey, I am 19”, people will mostly reply “you are still young’ but when you say “I’m 20” people will say “okie” instead. That ‘okie’ stands for politically correct answer of you are old.. There I go, talking about how bad it is being old.

Come to think again, there is nothing wrong with being old. Actually it is kind of fun. Finally, you are allowed to feel mad and scold little children without them retaliating back to you for you have authority now. Then, you can make old and matured remarks and not being scrutinised for it. It is actually cool to be old. So, I am so embracing it with positive mind. Hello 20!!

Oh, about the birthday. Nothing much actually. Woke up at my usual time. Then, saw the long-time-no-see nasi lemak on the kitchen table. Hmm, love the taste, it never change. Then, watch tv, went for lunch at the now-typical restaurant for my family and then bought myself a cake. Yup, decided to buy instead of baking since everyone is so lazy to do so. Cooked for dinner, called my cousin and auntie, my sister and her husband and had dinner. That sums up everything. Nothing fun happened in between events. Huhu, boring..

Whatever it is, I am glad that I have safely lived on this earth for 20 years. Yeay..

*20*

The same feeling all over again..

2010-11-15T03:24:00.000+08:00

Human are known to be such an insatiable creature. We can never feel satisfied with what we have. Being a human myself, I am no exception. I still remember, back in SA, how I want to be somewhere else. Especially home. Life is such a dread over there. So, when I finally got the chance to come back home, I am more than glad. But, once I am here, I am happy, but only for a moment. I got bored easily here. I wonder how I survived the past 18 years of my life here. Okie, maybe back then I am not so active and I do not have much freedom. Hence going out was never an option. But now I have seen the world on my own set of eyes and move on my own set of feet, not being able to feel such freedom is dreadful. Huhu, now I understand what my other friend said when he told me that back in his hometown, he will miss SA. Guess what? I am feeling it too.

Seriously, I need to fill my free time. I feel like going to work. But I am a bit choosy. Okie, not a bit, a lot actually *shame*. I don’t want to work in food industry although that is the industry that provide most working chances. I would rather work as handyman than working as a food server. I don’t know why. Maybe because I loathe food nowadays. Seriously, I don’t fancy food anymore. Eating is not really a compulsory now. The reason for eating right now is to continue living and that is it. Huhu. Goodness sake, I am bored. Need to do something important and fulfilling now. So that I don’t feel like my life is wasted all over again. Plus, not doing anything might add to my weight.. OMG!!

*dead bored*

Digital downturn..

2010-11-15T03:04:00.000+08:00

Okie, the title here stands for two purposes. First is I am telling about my current situation. I am back in my hometown and I have no internet connection. Huhu, this is so sad since I cannot go online as much as I usually do back in SA. But I will start writing offline blogposts like I usually do when I am home. So sorry, updates will be very late and few.

Another would be the topic that I am discussing right now. Prices of digital goods have gone down quite severely I must say. The lappy that I am currently using which cost me around 2k last few month is now down by 400++. Okie, I have seen this situation happened before and what usually happen later in the future is the prices will receive a boomer. It will go up till up to a level digital items is treated as luxurious items. Huhu, if I know this day will come, I would have wait. At least I will save some money. Huhu, seriously, if lappy was not such a dire need, I would have wait. But now, no point of regretting, what is done is done. Fine

*grrr..*

Obnoxious behaviour..

2010-11-10T13:07:00.000+08:00

I got inspired to write this while I was on the train. Seriously, although they might not realised this, but there are some out there who have nothing but obnoxious behaviour. I wonder how they live with such behaviour. Here are some examples I saw today.

Bringing friends to your date just to ignore them:-
I hate this behaviour. Like a lot. Been into several events of such behaviour already. Seriously, you want to go out with your so-called loved one and you drag your friends along. To wait for the train, the bus and so on and so forth. But once the partner arrives, the friends lost their significance. They becomes nothing more than just moving lamp posts. I hate this. Seriously, if you bring your friend along, treat them well, don’t make them feel like idiots. Huh..

PDA in non-designated area:-
Okie, I get it, you guys are in love. There is nothing wrong in showing your love to the public. But please, do it in designated area only. Not all places. Especially not the train where rule of do not misbehave applied. Besides, there are also adults the age of your mum and dad, not forgetting grandma and grandpa. Do you think your behaviour is proper in their eyes? Think again if you think it is cool.

Talking loudly and boastfully:-
So, you got knowledge about something. Yeay to you for that. But seriously, do you need to talk loudly about it in public area? Another thing, okie maybe you are successful in your life, do you really need to share that with unknown people whom you just met? Seriously, this kind of people is annoying!! Period.
Those are what I got to witness today. Seriously, it was tiring. I just feel like shaking them and talk to their face to stop doing that. Haish..

*annoyed*

Finally, it ends..

2010-11-09T11:44:00.001+08:00

I still remember earlier this semester, how whiny was I about will I survive this semester since I am so not motivated to continue my studies. Well, guess what? The semester has officially ended for me the moment I answered my last examination paper yesterday. Huhu, finally it ends and I am glad that it ends. Seriously, I have no idea how I performed this semester. Let just pray that everything is good, like the usual. Yeah, and iam going back to my hometown tomorrow. Huhu, it has been a while since I last went back there. Well, I am not well off and could not afford to go back often *add sympathetic song here*.

Seriously, a lot happen to me in matters of the heart department. Those who read this blog will know what those events are. Whatever it is, I am going to put those past behind and start anew. I am so going to enjoy my holiday. Maybe by working? Whatta? I never worked all my life, but I am thinking of working this time around. Seriously, I need more cash than usual nowadays. Haha. To shop of course. I cannot remember the last time I shop for pleasure. Usually, I will have to think a lot before shopping, this time around I want to shop till I drop. Because I cannot handle the shopping bags anymore. Haha. How good is life if it is like that huhu *add another sympathetic song here*

Whatever it is, I am just happy the semester has ended. I will say goodbye to everything that has happened this semester and I will welcome the new life I have ahead of me.

p/s: this is my 200th post. Yeay..

*relieved*

answer using my guts..

2010-11-08T10:08:00.002+08:00

As I am writing this entry, I am actually trying my best to learn for the exam I will have at 2 pm later. Why do I say learn instead of study? Because I don’t feel like I have learn anything for the past 14 weeks. All we do in class were discussing about problems and chatting about life. It was never formal education. okie, maybe there are some, for like 5 minutes in the beginning of the class. Then, it is all life in a controlled environment. Hence the struggle to learn now. Just hope everything turns alright in the end.

One of the most repeated acts I had done this semester is to answer my test and exam paper using nothing more than my gut. Haha, seriously, it is so dangerous since I was never sure what are the correct answers and usually I just ramble on the paper, arrange words in line until it makes sense and seems like portraying and idea and then I stop. Those who know me will know I never answer my papers long. They are always short answers. By far, my gut has done me good. My test results have been more than expected. Well, I guess all the attention I paid in class finally pays.
Okie, that’s all for now. Need to study. Or learn. Who knows..

*gut, help me please?*

somewhere over the rainbow..

2010-11-07T01:18:00.003+08:00

i realised recently i got no mood to write at all. writing becomes a dread for me. if possible, i would leave the world of blogging for good. because i am just not inspired. by anything, anyone. besides, the new skin i selected was so not me. yeah, i might be nerdy and geeky as suggested by all the pen and paper ( if you guys don't get it, it shows organization and planning.. a common element associated to geek and nerds since they are so smart, they are organised.. yeah right.. we aren't!!) but i am actually more to a dark person with a lot of conflicts, internally and externally, alongside enjoying the wonder of the world and put down my random thoughts. hence, i need to find a skin that suits me.

finding one is no easy task. i need to browse through several other websites and blogs. seriously, got bored and frustrated half way through since nothing shows who i am. the situation went on until i stumbled with this skin. it has everything that i love. the dark shades ( not to mention, a big dark shades, shows really who i am, a very reserved and always hiding and BIG.. it also resembles what is within me) the colour orange (my fave colour, yeayo!!), rainbow with extra orange (rainbow symbolises hope for me)and silhouette of flying birds ( what i am trying to look for in myself, freedom from myself). another things is when i look at the picture, it is so vibrant and gay on one side and dark on the other side, which is so me. what is outside is so not what is inside. besides that, the name of the template is "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", one of my favourite song and phrase. i always use it when people ask me where i am from and i dont feel like answering. hehe.

therefore, this skin totally is to my liking as it shows who i am inside and outside. i am glad and seriously quite happy to know actually there are people who understand me. all in all, i love my skin, both actual and blog.

*the blog that is me*

MIFA.. I like..

2010-11-05T23:30:00.001+08:00

First of all, if you people have no idea what MIFA or MIFW is, it is the Malaysian International Fashion Week. I went for it on the 5th of November 2010 and I must say, I am glad I went for it.

Seriously, I heard about the news of a friend of mine going a few days back during an outing with him. But he says nothing about it, so I don’t really put high hope on going to the event since it needs passes to get through. But, on the night of 4th, he sent me a text message telling me about he is going to the event and I asked, “May I follow?” And he said yeah. Seriously, I was happy since I love fashion and being able to attend a fashion show, OMG, it is like a dream come true. But there is a catch; I need to be a photographer. Whatta? As you guys know, I have mentioned earlier, I am no good at the pics department, and now I am a photographer in disguise? Wow to myself. The best thing is I need to handle a DSLR, an even harder task since normal camera is hard enough from me. Huhu..

Plus, my economy at the current moment is so not promising. Thus, spending more than necessary is so not needed now. Hence, I had a long thinking before finally deciding to go for it. I got ready the next morning after a very late night sleep and got to see my friend. To my surprise, in the initial plan, there were supposed to be more but ended up only 2 of us were going. Okie, got on the bus and went to KL central. Then we took monorail to Raja Chulan, not BB to Pavilion. Okie, it is nearer people. Arrived and met the person who invited us. There only we got to know the name of the designer that we were about to work for. Okie, he was shy at first because he did not talk to us directly at first, but we were okie with. Then, we registered at the media place. Seriously, we were scared when we heard we need to pay. It turned out, we do not need to pay at all, just give the name of the designer. Fuhh, luckily.

Then, the event starts. And it goes on. Until late at night. And we were there till late at night, but not till the end. Because we had to go due to situation. Huhu, all in all, the experience was hot. The designs were awesome, most of them. Some are okie and some (I am so sorry) BORING.. but looking at all the design and feeling all the things that happened, I believe fashion industry in Malaysia will go forward. Whatever it is, I think I am falling for photography, but to do it seriously? maybe once I am rich and got nothing to do.. haha

*I hate unprofessional photographer*

and you chose to..

2010-11-04T01:25:00.000+08:00

*this is a continuance from “sorry..”*

Perth made me wait for 3 days. In the mean time, I busy myself with all the studying. But, I cannot study at all. My mind wonders around. At times, I am worried sick about what would Perth answer be. Seriously, this is the first time I am at no power in deciding where the relationship goes. Perth went invisible on the net and I got no way to contact Perth. How I wish I have the international number.

I don’t know what to wish for. To stay in the relationship? I have done a lot of cruelty to Perth seriously. I have made Perth wait for 2 years, see and call only when I got no one else, treat him like a second best and many more actions that I am no way near proud about. To get over with the relationship? Seriously, I need Perth to hold me together as I am one wrecked mess and Perth was one of the people who know how to put me back into one when I am all shattered down. Perth has always been my comfort every time I am sad and broken and always have something wise and mature to say when childishness take control of me. No matter which decision that Perth make, there are pro and cons. That is the norm of life. How I wish sometimes it is always for the better only.

As I was browsing through my email, Perth starts the conversation with me. That is a first since usually I will be the one starting the conversation, not the other way around. I sensed something not good will happen. I still keep what is left in the Pandora’s box in my heart. Hope. Perth wrote

“I’ve made up my mind”
“and?”
“off”

I was shocked by the answer but not really a surprise. After all the harm I had done to the relationship, it is not hard to think of the worst. But, feeling being left alone for the first time seriously shocked me. That is a first. However, I kept my cool and accept the decision. But deep inside I wanted to cry. But I kept all the tears inside. Never to be out. Maybe once everything is just too unbearable, then they will roll out from my eyes. For now, I am yet to cry. I just realised, Perth is the only person who had made me cry the most. But one thing that is quite comforting is Perth gave me his word about I can always tell my heart out like the usual, and when we found new partner, our relationship will stay like the usual, not to change. Okie, at least I did not lose a friend. Then, we went offline.

I am still very much hurt by what happened. Not angry of Perth, but myself for making the mistake that I should have not done. But what happened, happened. I think there is silver lining behind what has happened. At last, the both of us got to move on after the 3rd breakup already. I wish for all the best.

*sad but moving on*

hanging out.. and opening up..

2010-11-01T18:17:00.001+08:00

Earlier today, my friends and I went for an outing together. After finishing up some business, we went to a restaurant to have something to eat and drink. Besides, it is hard for the four of us to hang out together so we find this as an opportunity to catch up with one another. We talk about a lot of stuff. Like talk and talk until we have no more topics.

Then, one of my friends asked a question about what are our dislikes among one another. The answers need to be honest and no hard feelings should be taken. Thus, we all opened up. To my surprise (not really actually), most of them find that my effortlessness as annoying. I am so sorry people, I cannot change that. Then the topic starts to move outside our circle, and how I am glad it did.

Now I know that I am not the only one feeling such feelings towards this particular group of people. There are people that feel the same too. Hence this proves that I am not doing something wrong for disliking them. Seriously, I am glad I am not alone.

We talked for about 3 hours ++ and seriously, everything was poured out. But, like the saying goes, what happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas, only this time the place is a table in a mamak restaurant..

*poured out*

expecting a storm, but it only drizzles..

2010-10-31T13:47:00.002+08:00

this entry has got nothing to do with the weather, although i would love to mention about the weather yesterday where there was a sudden storm hits my neighbourhood. seriously, it was SCARY. the wind shut all my window and brought along a very heavy but short rain. hmm, luckily i did no do my laundry yesterday. if not, i would be wailing all day long *hyperbole inserted there*. hehe

if only all storms are that beautiful :p

back to the topic, it is actually about my exam. the subject is Phonetics. i love the subject, like seriously. okie, maybe because i am a person who has interest in linguistics subject, hence the interest. others who hate it, like i care. haha. as long as i love it, what others say would not matter. reverting back after much astray, the exam was expected to be hard and bad, like severely bad, but it turn out quite acceptable. it is not as hard as most would expect and seriously, all the midnight oil burned for it feels like a big waste now (should have focus on psychology more!). hmm, but all in all, i am happy with it. at least i know i will not screw up. :)

so that is it. still have papers later. psychology and counseling. going to work hard for both subjects since both are extremely factual. going to be a book worm again. hey, i am suddenly reminded of the game BookWorm Deluxe. anybody has it?

*about to read again*

read..

2010-10-30T01:17:00.004+08:00

i love reading. and i read random stuff. sometimes academic, sometimes chick flick and sometimes mystery and gory stuff. but all in all, i love reading. however, it must be accompanied with mood. without the right mood, reading just will not work.

as for now, academic reading is so in since we are in examination corner already. seriously, the mood is not in, eventhough i am very interested in the topic (seriously, who would hate linguistics?, i won't) but i just cannot read. thus, the whole reading become a drag. a baggage i have to carry, involuntarily. i seriously hope i will remember what i have and will read (the exam is on this Sunday!). Gosh, a good book might invoke the mood of reading in me, surely not that book, it is more to rambling than textbook (talk about centration here; FYI, centration is when you only think of your perspective only and disregard others). so, i will read it since i need to prepare for the exam but seriously, read to love.. LATER!!

i crave for a good book to read for months already. i just failed to find any. seriously, if there are any suggestion on good books, do tell me. FYI, not in the mood of depressive books since has read a lot of them. i need books with more positive vibes. seriously, a good book can do a lot of change.

another thing that i always read nowadays is blogpost of course. i have been online quite often lately and i blogwalk a lot. seriously, reading blogs is interesting since i dont have to flip pages (okie, scrolling down maybe) and the story are mostly -mostly- genuine. on the downside, it took up most of my time (T0T)..

seriously, i am so not in the mood of reading, but i have to. please, give me strength to hold on and keep on reading..

*trying to read*

sorry..

2010-10-28T23:17:00.003+08:00

i am on a break. with that particular someone. let call the person Perth. okie, called the person S before but Perth have more impact in me. just because i could not handle burden of relationship and studies at the same time. besides, the distance is killing me too. although not that bad for the person. seriously, without the presence, i tend to forget. i forget about the whole thing. i start looking at others. and i start falling at others. but, i am still very much attached to the person. hence the feeling of guilt and all. seriously, i feel so wrong with every liking.

i tell Perth everything. i tell about emotional and life matters too. and seriously, i tell Perth about Tower and Perth is okie with it. but i am the one feeling so wrong, since i think my feeling is changing. seriously, i am putting Tower before Perth but Perth is the one i am with. i even imagine myself with Tower than with Perth. whatta? as usual, i am chasing the impossible and trying to leave what i have in hand right now.

Perth, i am so sorry. i think i could not commit to this relationship if my mind keep on thinking about someone outside it. seriously, the love? i have nothing to say since i am uncertain about every aspect in it. yes, you have comforted me by saying you are not affected at all by all the feeling i have for Tower but still, i am the one facing it. and i dont know for how long will this last. i have made you wait before, it will be cruel if i do this again. seriously, i dont want to toy with your feeling anymore. Please, this time i will let you make the decision. i will accept it no matter what.

*urghh*

Gossip..

2010-10-28T02:54:00.006+08:00

tonight is a night like no other. it is the night where things returned to how it used to be back then, a bunch of friends, sitting together, sharing no other than gossips and not to mention, astray from the topic for a few times. a lot of times to be exact, until up to a level where we totally forgot where were we. but seriously, it shows that no matter how long has it been since we last hang out together, with our sleeping attire, more like a slumber party but nobody planned to go to sleep, the situation will always be the same. one will open the topic and others will add with their input or versions they have heard or seen. and that what we do at this time. Gossip all the way through.

gossiping has always been a part of me. sometime the gossip is not really gossip but more to releasing the anger steam from inside. at least by sharing, all will know and who knows, those who have no idea about such an event will become well versed in it. okie, but not in a good way since gossip mostly consist of nasty and bad stories of the gossip target. they do not deserve to get the title victim since they have proved themselves to be called target. usually i will be the trigger because as mentioned before, my heart is hard to be satisfied, hence having the most stories. however, my stories are usually supported by the fellow gossipers because usually they face the same problems but never thought anybody would share such thoughts. well, g-friends stays forever.

another thing about being a gossiper is we must stay neutral and natural. never show your actual emotion in front of the target. seriously, you need them one way or another, thus no point of hating or make them hate you. thus, be courteous when you are with them and act as if nothing happened. smile, cry, laugh appropriately with them. like how you would be with any other people because usually after one gossip session, the story stays there and never to be brought up outside or till the next session if more problems arise. all in all, usually gossip happens among friends. do not let gossip tear your friendship down. it should strengthen it. how? figure it out yourself.

okie, that is all i have to say about gossip. it is not easy for me to point out about gossip and gossiping because the skills come naturally. hahaha :P

*gossiper*

i hardly able to contain myself..

2010-10-26T12:05:00.003+08:00

class. something that i dread, no matter whether it is done at the proper time or extras and replacements. thus, having a class during the exam week is one thing that is rather annoying to me but i still attend for if not, i will have nothing to do at all for the day.

once i was ready, i walked to the faculty. there it was, at its usual place. the white car which Tower drives. i was glad to see it there. it tells me that Tower is somewhere near. OMG, i sound like a scary stalker in the previous line. but that is just what i feel okie.

then, i went to sit in front of the class waiting for friends to come and class to begin. suddenly the door of the room in front of me opened and several students came out. i recognised some of them as Tower's classmates. i was like saying to myself, is Tower there too? i did not wait long before i got my answer. there he was, with skin fairer than ever, with the shirt that is so body hugging, it fed my imagination, the perfect specimen (from my point of view that is) has appeared. OMG,OMG,OMG.. that was all i could say.

my friends were laughing from this as they know how i feel for him. seriously, i care less about them, as i was trying my best to control my raging hormones and excitement from seeing him. but i think i failed miserably. all the time, i kept on gawking at him and one of my friend even said to me that just go and marry him. haha, how i wished for that to happened. you know, this is a case of secret admire or crush gone too far. OMG.. i dont know what to feel..

seriously, he is the only person that is capable in making me lose myself totally. i never felt like this towards anyone. i just hope i cant get over this feeling..

*raging hormones*

And I keep it all in my heart..

2010-10-24T22:40:00.003+08:00

We can never satisfy everyone’s heart. And my heart is one of those which are very hard to be satisfied. However, most of my dissatisfaction, I keep them in my heart. For I realised, if I say those to the face of those I am not satisfied of, hearts going to get hurt and friendship will shattered. But at times (for example now) I can’t hold it any longer. I just need a place to splurge everything out so I could be at ease.

Among the things is about taking people’s stuff without permission. I am so not okie with this behaviour. Well, as it is stated, it is people’s stuff, so could you please have the courtesy ask for permission first. Hello, saying “may I” is not that difficult okie. In addition to that, sometimes these people is so self absorbed and treat those stuff as their own and even the owner had to ask permission or funnily the people get annoyed when the owner take control. Whatta? It is mine okie. Then, there are those who just eat what they want from the fridge and feel like it is okie to finish it without the owner even have any idea what is happening? Hello, you think people are that blind huh? We could differentiate a full packet from an empty packet okie. Have some shame please. It is not yours okie..

Then, there are these people who just love to defy their own principle. Seriously, I love them. They kept me entertained. Well, one day they say a different thing and the next they are doing it. I just laugh in my heart everytime I see such person. Seriously, they are better than sitcoms, because ther is just no ending to their behaviour, but there are seasons. This behaviour grow with age apparently, the older they are, the more they do it. Haha, thanks for being in my life, you provide me with non stop action and entertainment. In relation to these kind of people are people who hated such action but ended up they follow the people they hate. This phenomenon however happened rarely, but entertaining nonetheless. Seriously, for me they are like movies, rarely come out but give a big impact. They are the definition of hypocrisy. But I keep them for the sake of entertainment.

Then, there are these people that are famous as what we called them emo people. They are not the follower of that emo music or lifestyle, but they are the one who put depression and mood swing as part of their daily life. Okie, to be honest, I am part of them, but I try to lessen the effect. Living like that is so depressing, it harm my health. Seriously, they are annoying. When everyone is having fun, they are depressed. It brings the negative vibe to the occasion. Cheer up people (this goes to me too )..

Those are the things that I am not that satisfied, but I just keep them all in. For I know there is no point of telling them as this is personality. Nothing can change it. So, I just learn to adapt to it. So far, I have yet to lose my mind. hehehe

*easing out*

i hope i am still accepted..

2010-10-21T21:25:00.001+08:00

today, i went out with a friend of mine for dinner. had a great talk about many things. life, current problems, love stories and many more. we talk for nearly two hours. then, upon sending her home, she gave me a reminder.
"sai, semayang maghrib"
i replied
"tgkla, klu aku dpt melupakn sesorg tu drpd otak aku"

i realised how wrong was the sentence, i was putting someone above my responsibility towards god, but i could not pull it back. what was said was said. i tried to act cool. maybe nothing will go wrong. since i did this in a playful manner. that was what i thought.

as i was going home, on my bike, my mind flew to the thought that i might have strayed away from my religion for quite some time now. i thought about so many things that i have done that i am not proud of. seriously, that 15 minutes never was as meaningful as today's journey. my eyes were teary from all the thoughts. i felt disgusted of myself. i felt undeserving to live anymore.

then, i arrived at my house. i saw my friends but i say nothing. i saw them acting like how they usually to act and i felt numb. i did not scrutinize or make remarks in my mind as i felt i am no different than others, what give me the right to have a say about them? then, i got on my bed and try to calm myself. but i failed. i lied down for quite some time until i decide to take my shower.

as i was taking my shower, i have a lot going in my mind. i wanted to clean myself as i felt so dirty. so dirty until i ditched my religion for something so worldly. i was so consumed by the worldly attraction until i did not see how far am i from the right path. i took my ablution went to my room.

there, i called my friend, the one from before. i asked her about the taubat prayer. then, i prayed. while praying, i cried a lot. i dont know whether what i am doing at that time is accepted by Him and am i still apart of His humble servant. i cried so hard. then, she messaged me about the way to do the taubat prayer. then, i did it. as i was doing it, droplets of tears fall continuously and my recitation was stuttered as my emotion was unstable. i felt great inferiority and want to be accepted. i dont want to go astray much further. during the prayer at the end, the tears were no longer stoppable. they kept falling and i dont know why is this happening. is this a sign that He still loves me? i really hope so..

never in my life has i felt like this. maybe it is a sign from above for me to go back to the accepted path and live life accordingly. i hope i am strong enough to keep this going on..

*praying*

when boredom strikes, my mind flies to you..

2010-10-19T14:53:00.000+08:00

*caution; this is a lovey dovey post*

the study leave begins and seriously, i have nothing to worry about classes. finally, a relieve from all that. however, with the absence of the busy schedule that used to fill my daily dull and boring life, boredom strikes in. it creeps up inside me and consumes me (a line from disturbia-rihanna). thus, i am left alone feeling uneasy all at once. thus, my lappie, Etta (which has replaced Eriol which was stolen), becomes my best companion. it gives me almost everything i want. yes, almost because there are just things that you can never get from electronic items. affection and care of course. they are incapable of doing so.

thus, while surfing the net early in the morning, around 2-3 am, my mind starts to linger upon the wellbeing of you. yes you, who flew several thousand miles away to a different continent, leaving me all alone here but the love never dies. i just recently found out that the time here and there is the same. no wonder we always wear the same uniform whenever we talk to each other on webcam. haha. bimbo me. well, the bimbo that you love and i hate. :P

i wanted to contact you. but i dare not. since i know my limit. yes, we are currently on a break since i can't handle a relationship at time like now as i am a hopeless being when i am in love. i remembered when we tried for a few days as a couple in an LDR. i felt miserable and almost cry every night. thus, if i contact you again, the same thing might repeats itself. i dare not. especially at such critical hours.

so, here iam. longing to see you. but i cannot. for your presence is the thing i want the most. and also scare the most. you are my comfort, as well as my cryptonite. but one thing for sure. when i am bored, you will always be there for me. here in my mind and deep in my soul.

*missing you very much*

sleeping..

2010-10-18T14:42:00.000+08:00

okie, i know people said you need to sleep adequately in order to keep yourself healthy and beautiful. that's why i sleep a lot.. haha, trying to justify my wrongdoing. seriously, people who know me will know how much i sleep in a day. like A LOT. i just love sleeping. since most of my time i spend in my house or watching movies on my lappie or TRYING to do yoga but gave up after a few poses (huhu), the next best thing to do would be sleeping.

today is no exception. the day started with me waking up to find out that it rained last night. seriously people, do i need to get up from the bed? well, i have to since i have a test today (whatta? today is the first day of my study leave la, it is supposed to be a leave people!). with MAJOR RELUCTANCE, i got up and get ready for the test (when i say get ready, it means putting on clothes and all, not reading, hahaha) and make my move to the faculty which situated extremely far from my house... right in front that is..

arriving there, met my ever so hardworking (?!) friends studying. haha, most at least. for those like me, we love our guts so much, we hardly read *gloating for no reason* and usually fail excellently (sob sob). okie, all in all, the test was a killer and i messed up well.

oh, before that, on the way back to the square with keys for the test room, met Tower on his way to class. first time smelled his perfume. never to forget the smell anywhere soon. aahhh *read this expression a flirty giddy girly way* man, what he was wearing was so wrong (white stripe shirt, uncle-designed necktie and a pair of glasses) but so perfect. he looks dorky and i love just the way he is.

after that, finishing up unfinished assignments. finished before the deadline although almost died doing it (seriously, my left side of brain still hurts till now). and after some chat with friends (see, still could find time to chat, such a chatterbox you Sai), i could no longer contain my sleepiness. i rushed home and change my attire, put my body on the bed and that was the last thing i remember..

woke up after some time.. check the time.. WHATTA? 7.20 PM.. 4 HOURS OF SLEEP OKIE.. even for long sleeper like me, that's long.. but i still feel unsatisfied.. going to sleep slightly early again tonight.. haha.. Sai, you sleep so much, you should be a log.. because log sleeps.. okie, that was random..

*sleepy*

Motivation.. in human form..

2010-10-15T18:54:00.001+08:00

Okie, usually on Thursdays, I will wake up late, relax the whole morning and watch Oprah (!!), but this week’s Thursday is different. I need to wake up early and go to the faculty. There are things to be settled there. So, I woke up (reluctantly) and get ready. Then, I made my move to the faculty with a very ugly (I must say) outfit since I don’t plan to stay long there. Got my papers from my lecturer, feeling satisfied with the marks I get (hey, looking at the effort I placed on the subject and the marks, I got beyond my expectation), I decided to go back and who knows, continue what I was doing earlier, sleep of course. But something stopped me. My gut said that I can’t do that. So, I stayed.

After some time, I went to the library with my friend. Since he said that our assignment is almost done, I would like to have a look at it. Nothing bad, just checking out, since I love the subject. However, I was appalled to look at the assignments. A lot of mistakes were done, and if we continue with it, I bet I will fail the assignments. Enough okie once failed an assignment, no more. The pain is unbearable. So, with anger filling in my emotion box (?), I redo the part where it went wrong. It was tiring as this section usually take hours to finish since it is analytical thinking section. But, I was determined to finish.

When I was about to begin the work, there he came. A person who used to had a thing for me but I turned down for the sake of chasing the impossible. He arrived with a smile and sit directly in front of me. OMG, what have I turned down! He’s such a cutie hottie.. and I can’t stop checking him out. Haha, typical me, chasing over things I slipped or impossible to grasp. I just don’t get myself some time.

Okie, but I continued doing my work. Although swears were an eminent element as I was doing this, but the presence made me happy and somehow fasten the pace. Haha, talk about motivation here. As I was doing the work, I talked to my friend about what happened between me and him just to get another surprise. Yes, Tower is here. The person who made me turned down the cutie hottie came and sit next to me!!!!! Wahtta?! I felt like screaming when he asked for the chair. I was like saying to myself, take me too.. haha, OMG, behave.. but I keep doing my work with a lot of swearing. Sorry folks, swearing was part of me. I just have to ease up the tension. But as I was doing, I check them out, yes, both of them. Tower more of course.. Hehe. OMG, they are so cute!!

And yes, they were there all the time I was finishing that up. And I finished it just slightly above half an hour. Talk about motivation again here. Haha. Okie. To sum it up. I was angry with what happened with the assignment but motivated due to the two. Hehe

*hehe*

story of the night of 13/10/10

2010-10-14T02:46:00.000+08:00

tonight, i cant do any work. because i just got no mood to do so. so, i decided to hang out at the faculty. help dydy with his part in our assignments and disturbed mary, farah, atikah and khai. seriously, i cant do anything tonight. after some time, i got bored. then, dydy said let's move to TESL square. i followed.

then, i watched RWj latest vid. hilarious as usual. saw other students from literature class who had just finished their practice. mingled a bit and continue watching. finally overheard about going out. think a bit. thought it was aa good idea. send dydy laptop back. take helmet and key, move with Po and Nazif to Uptown 24.

went there SLOWLY. arrived and played with animal at the per store. then, start exploring. look for stuff. played with makeup and perfume. move along, buy sugarcane drinks. move. buy a shawl for a girl, have no clue who. then, buy ice cream.

went to the bike. talk about life. about studies. about lecturer to be exact. laugh a bit. finally head home.

haha, imagine someone talking to you like this. all info, no colour in speech. monotonous and verbatim. seriously dreadful. content yes but practicality, no. just trying out new stuff. okie. as you can see, the story can be fun or not based on the way you tell it. if you put emotions and all, then it will be nicer. if all facts, it is just like the above. boring and dull. im just showing how some people bore me with their factual talk. now i guess you guys are bored. ahaha, pity you guys. neway, till then okie..

*random*

the most anticipated drama is yet to come..

2010-10-12T12:51:00.000+08:00

drama; it is all part of life. life itself is a drama. dont believe me? look at the category in awards for life imitating series. they are called drama. hence, drama is life. okie, enough rambling on and on about the definition. although i try to escape drama ( one of the stupidest attend was avoiding myself from entering literature class as they have drama assessment) it looks like drama come to me. yes, even as counseling student, you need to act. and the drama goes by different name. ROLE PLAY aka counseling drama.

however, it is not as grand as the literature drama. i dont have to prepare a large amount of money for anything. we dont even have to ask for budget to carry out this production i must say. all we need is space, emotion and the people necessary. and hell yeah, it is hard. can you imagine, you may counsel people all your life, but you arent graded.. now, there will be observer who will grade you on your performance. for a psychopath like me (psychopath is heartless people, hardly show any emotion) this going to bring a lot of trouble. and mine will start in approximately 3 more hours..

so, my attempt to escape drama failed miserably. i still have drama. even worst, face to face drama. focus is on no one but yours truly only. OMG, im terrified as im writing this.

another drama that i want to talk about is life drama. here is what makes life worth living. this keeps life moving. it concerns drama in drama production. i have been hearing a lot of stories (most of them are abridged version) about what happened within the production. and it is not one sided, but several sided. quarrels, dissatisfaction, giddiness of some, annoyance, and list goes on and on. wait! where's the positive news?? it cant be all that bad people. tell me something positive about it. with all these stories, do you think people will commit fully to the production? please, put some positive vibes.. then life is meaningful. if not, this drama is going to be another drama that occurs in drama of life and end miserably.

*Drama*

Gimme a break.. will ya?

2010-10-06T01:43:00.000+08:00

I thought I am strong. I thought I could for once, handle it. I thought after all those years, I might be ready for this. But the reality is just too painful for me to face. What am I talking about here? Well, it is actually about being in a long distance relationship, or simply said LDR. I saw a friend of mine was being so interested in this matter since he was about to go through one (currently is) and I thought to myself, it will never work. I had been into several and all failed miserably. Thus, I am at no position to believe that it will work. But it looks like things are going fine for him. Okie, good for you.

As for me, I have been in constant contact with one of my ex, let just call the person S, who flew to Perth, Australia about a year ago. We broke up at the airport since I cannot bear long distance relationship. But, nothing change. Even when we are far apart, the care for one another is the same. I never forget S and always have the same amount of care. It is as if we were never separated. After long thought, I decided to try LDR with S. But, I will put it under complicated relationship since we could never categorise what our real relationship is.

However, it lasted only for a few days. I can’t stand the fact that you are far away. Yeah, when I am not in a relationship, I am okie with the distance, but when we make it official, I got tensed up. I can’t focus on anything. I just want you. Finally, I made a call and said

“ can you gimme a break? I promise I’ll try this again once the holidays begin. I can’t focused with you on my mind. I can think no other but you..”

And S replied with nothing but just a smile and okie.. thank goodness. Well, of course S understands me. We were together before. So honey, I’m committing this holidays okie. Not now...

*on break*

who would go for beautiful boys??

2010-10-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

i have been noticing this for a while. yeah, girls go crazy over those extremely cute and girlish looking guys, but seriously if you think deeply, will any girl even consider having them as their life partner? because they are just too beautiful, girls might get intimidated by their beauty. in the end, they are just good to see but not to have. imagine going out together and people around you keep saying that the guy is way more beautiful than the girl. if the partner is also a beautiful girl, she will get compared to none other than her significant other who is from the opposite sex on beauty basis. whatta? will you ever want to face such situation. i bet most will back out. and who will love and be with beautiful boys??

i have once discussed with a friend of mine about how unfair is this world. ugly guys can get pretty girls if he has the right materials (money, intellect and power) and how ugly girls can hardly find anyone or finally ended up with ugly guys(hey, no hard feelings here okie, this is just between me and friend. we were casually talking about this) but i added at least they still have choices. beautiful boys got no one. beautiful girls go for more manly looks since they have enough beauty in themselves and ugly girls with get intimidated by the beauty and seriously want to avoid the bad talking. thus, who is left for the beautiful guys? hmm.. please, they do not want to go for one another, they are not mostly homo, but some were forced by the situation. seriously, being beautiful sucks when you are a guy.

*i am ugly*

seriously, im tired and mood-less

2010-09-30T21:12:00.000+08:00

nowadays, everything is a drag. i am not driven to do a lot of stuff i used be to so well driven. i sleep more than usual. and i always wake up feeling nothing but extreme misery and how dreadful life has been this lately. no answer to such feeling. it just happen. i try to recall for reason. it all goes back to none other but boredom. seriously, i am bored of life. whatta? i am barely 20 and all i could think of is when is this life gonna end or at least reach a turning point.

now, nothing works. i look at my pile of work and all i could feel is numb. yes, i am terrified by the whole consequences of not finishing them up, but im too numb to be affected by it. seriously, i think if my emotion is an organism, if you slit its cheek, it wont bleed and even scream.. it is just too numb and can be safely said, dead but alive. that is my latest feeling about myself.

i need to heal myself before it is too late. i need to go for a getaway.. maybe to the countryside for a while to seriously look into myself and be who i am again. i am in too much turmoil and seriously it kills me..

*lost*

MBMB camp..

2010-09-26T20:20:00.000+08:00

this is the name of the camp that came up at the most wrong time. i must say, i dreaded to go to it at first. mainly because i am a person who does not believe that people can put motivation in a person, the person need to put it by themselves. thus, upon hearing about the program, i have great reluctance. but, thinking of what will happen if i dont go, i went for it. seriously, i dread it.

it was off to a rocky start. the bus that was supposed to pick us up mistakenly went to the other campus. so, we were late by 2 hours due to all the waiting. seriously, everyone's heart just turned from sour to bitter by all the waiting. finally, the bus arrived and i must say, i went aboard with half a heart.

the bus moved. on the bus, i tried to sleep. but i just cant. luckily they screened Mantra in the bus, a malay horror movie which was recently out. okie, the story is sort of funny and scary at the same time. awang-awang.. haha. we make joke about the movie throughout the journey. we forgot about our reluctance for a while. finally, after a lot of laughter, we arrived at KBN Alor Gajah Melaka.

seriously, it went out just like how i expected it to be. to write it all here, i cant since it is part of the country act of secrecy. but i will just say, we learn about history, politics (mostly), have fun with activities such as repelling, night walk solo and others. then, we also make new connections. guess what, we were scared to get to know them and the same goes to them. no wonder we never talk to one another. haha, funny world. seriously, it was fun. the schedule are not strict and we were treated nicely. no scolding like little children. i like that.

one of the main event was community service which was cleaning up mosque area and cemetery. all do their work with enough effort. hahahaahaha.. no one really push it to the limit. then, it ends. finally. we also made connection with the facilitators since they are young and fun. they are not worn out uncle or aunties who are too engulfed by work and forgotten about life. all in all, it was good.

sum it all up, i was okie with it la. although im still a bit mad for the dishonesty from the organizing committee (just tell us what it is all about from the beginning okie) and the short notice, but the experience was fun.

*dunno*

a thing at a wrong time..

2010-09-21T18:36:00.000+08:00

why do i call this activity that i am going this weekend a thing, without any adjective of quality whether it is good or wrong or bad? because i have no idea what to expect and how to categorise it. i just say it a thing then, to not severe my head more. anyway, the activity is a camp in Melaka.. God sake knows what will we do there..

it is said that it is a motivational as well as a community service activity since the exam is near. look at the sentence above. the exam is near la vavi.. what is the whole point wanting to do an activity in this critical hours. we all have planning and things to do, things that concerns our academic excellence. most of us just got assigned to a bunch of assignments and fieldwork to be done. all that takes time and this activity is nothing but a stupid big rock in the middle of the way. stupid.

then, it is told in extremely short notice. today is tuesday and they expect to do it this friday till sunday (TOT).. whatta? at least tell us before the raya holiday, then we would have prepared. although still have the reluctance in our hearts (okie, my heartis a sure, others i have no idea). the best thing was getting info on it. they have yet to discuss about what to do and the tentative is yet to be done. wow, you have the gut to inform without proper prior knowledge. how the system 'amazed' me. they are mind readers i think.

whatever it is, i think this is a thing done at a wrong time.

*vavi*

Raya: Drama and Dullness

2010-09-18T18:37:00.000+08:00

first of all, i would like to share my happiness that i finally got a replacement for my stolen lappy last semester. although i get it from a loan from my mom ( i will pay every semester eh Mama?), the main point is i get a lappy. at last, machine of happiness has return into my previously dull life. haha, exaggeration to the limit.. although it is a bit heavy than my previous one (nearly another half a kilo more!) but i will suit to it later. i am happy with it.. naming it Dominique.. whattaya think? oh, this is included in this post since i got it in raya season.. considered a raya gift.. bought with a bit of my raya money.. okie, a lot of my raya money.. huhu :(

okie, for the drama side.. this does not really involve me directly since it concerns a generation above me, my mom, dad and siblings. i cant say much as i am so not involved. but, drama during raya is so not welcoming right? drama should be kept later, not on the raya morning..pfft.. whatever it is, although it was heart aching for most of us, but we cool down the intensity by making it into laughing matter.. seriously, all the tears rolled down due to this matter has been flooded by the laughter that we made about it. haish..

then the next drama was me celebrating raya with an ex. haha, that is so crazy right.. of all the houses i could go to, i went to my ex's. got treated nicely by the family anyway, only slightly ignored by the ex. ah, like i care, i went there for the bonding okie, not reconciliation. luckily i went there with some of my friends (it was their idea!) so the silent treatment is not apparent. whatever.

the dullness part is ought to be since i am no longer a child. seriously, hari raya is so meaningful and fun when you were a child. once you grow up, responsibility took over the fun segments. damn it. thus, i cant say much. shop for baju raya alone. that is sad. why nobody want to accompany me? no big preparation were made either since we still are grieving over the passing away of my grandma. so, hari raya is slightly gloomy this year.

okie, that is it for raya update. will update soon since the writing machine is back!! i like..

*happy and sad*

im a straight forward person.. i cant help it..

2010-09-01T03:37:00.000+08:00

the reason behind the writing of this post is because something people dont get me when im being honest directly. i never say an ugly dress okie but not for you, i will say it as ugly as that what i saw it as. i dont know the more polite way to give out my thoughts. i just lash them for you and you need not think a lot to digest the meaning. what i say is what i meant. so, im sorry of people got offended or such because it is just me, being myself.

this is usually a big problem when im turning down someone's offer to go out or whatsoever. i dont go around saying im tired or any other excuse, i will just say i dont want to. yes, im not good in taking care of people's heart. maybe because i dont mingle much with people. i just know how to express, but hardly have a clue on how to filter.

another thing about me if dont give hints about your dissatisfaction. i just dont get it. i dont get signs and gestures. i only digest verbal and action signals. i know you might say it is impossible for me to overlook such signals but it is true. i have hurt a lot of people and lose a few opportunities because i dont get signals. thus, be frank and say upfront with me okie. im okie with that. so what if i talk bad about you later, you did it first..

so, mind me if im blur by flowery words because i am straight forward. dont go around in giving your idea. make it a straight channel okie. easy for me to digest.

*tired of thinking*

lust is a bad thing..

2010-08-29T15:01:00.000+08:00

okie, now i am still in the fasting month, by far i could say that i had not left any day of fasting since not eating is not a big problem for me, not shopping is a different case. i remembered back then, when i first enter university for my foundation program, i found no difficulty in managing money for food because i dont eat, once a day is enough. the money flow nowhere else but the garments retails shop of countless brands. i dont really care what is the brand as long as i like it.. okie, i think im going astray from the actual reason of writing.. i talking about lust here. this fasting month, with a lot things on sale for hari raya, curbing my lust would be a big problems. i could see signboards saying !SALE! as far as my eyes can see at the shopping mall.. and i need to shop real bad.. huhu.. i want new shoes, handbags, tshirts, pants and all because everything in my wardrobe is old and big i must say.. this is what happened when you lost a lot of weight suddenly..

then, from this lust also, i start to develop nasty thoughts. thought of how to get those stuff i want easily. when i say easily, i mean real easy.. if you know what i am saying.. hehe.. nastiness.. Sai, repent! huhu.. okie, but yeah, a lot of nasty thoughts visited me. and not being able to shop and eat make me think of particular someone even more than usual.. whatta?? i thought people say fasting curb your lust for love and you know what, but in my case, i experienced opposite effect. i am filling most of my think thinking about love. something i hardly do before. darn it, i need food to distract me, or the best distraction ever.. Shopping.. with no worries.. yeah, lust is a bad thing..

*wanna shop*

5 stages of mourning..

2010-08-16T03:10:00.000+08:00

i got my inspiration to write this post after watching an episode of grey's Anatomy on TV last saturday.. i did not know that George O'Malley died.. anybody care to tell me?.. anyway, it was mostly about how they all were treating their grief due to the death.. and although i have no prior knowledge about the 5 stages of grief/mourning, i seem to be able to answer them correctly. however, i experience this not in death, but in breakups.. thus, breakup for me is equivalent to death..

first, the stage of denial.. yup, at first, you can never except the fact that the thing just happened to you. you will deny it with all your heart that it did not happened and everything was just a bad dream and you will wake up from it one day. you will have a lot of outburst to try denying the whole situation. but seriously people, there is no point of telling this to yourself. it has happened and you just have to accept the fact..

then, it is the anger stage. at this stage, you will always be furious. you hate everything. the situation, the person, people's advice and everything that came to you. easily said, you hate life and you just fill your days with anger. this affects not only you but also people surrounds you. i remember when i was having this moment with my first breakup and i lash my anger to everyone and i hated my ex to the limit. the thought of my ex enraged me. then, i talked bad of my ex and how i wish we never met. i was filled with anger and all i could think is killing that persson for killing my soul and self.

later, i moved to the stage of bargaining. to be honest, i hate this stage the most. this is the time i comfort myself by saying that maybe it could still be fix. this is the time where the thought of reconciliation comes. and you will say to yourself that everything will be alright and we are gonna be happy like how we used to be. yeah right.. like that will ever happen.. never..

then, the depression stage. this comes late in the process and i must say the most dreadful of all. at this time, nothing seems meaningful. you lose your sense of living. the future is bleak and dark. you can see no future but just a blank space and a wasted life ahead of you. bad thoughts will race to you and mostly are morbid thoughts. i mean serious morbidity. then, you will cry your heart out and do a lot of self harming actions. as for me, i stopped eating and socialising. this stage goes slowly and as long as you in it, you could say your sanity is on the border. some can never go beyond this stage and ended up ending their life.

finally is the acceptance. after everything is over, you could get a grip on yourself and finally say to yourself that it is okie and it is about time to move on. how blissful it is to reach that stage..

that is just what i think i should share about the 5 stage of grief.. i think most of us had or will go through this stages..

*long overdue due to lack of inspiration and connection*

I think I have made a mistake..

2010-08-11T20:59:00.000+08:00

Earlier this semester, I had told everyone that I don’t have the feeling and drive to start my studies. I wanted to put my study on hold since I think I need some time off and take time to find myself again. But, it is just too impossible to be done since it is considered as a waste of resources, money and time. So, I try to put myself together, gather all the pieces from my shattered self and finally went to do my studies. I had a thought in my mind that along the way I will find my will to study again and be who I used to by, a studyholic.. a person who chose studies over entertainment. But, as time goes by, I dwell deeper into the abyss of self loathing and regret. How I wish I did not attend this semester. It is just too hard for me to bear. Too many things happen right now and they do nothing but stressing this humble borrowed body of mine. I am seriously worn out from all these pressure in life. It is nothing when you have the will to do things, but when you do things involuntarily, then, everything is a dread.

Now, I just want to rest. I even had the thought of extending my studies for this semester. But I don’t think I could do that since I am almost half way through the semester. A semester of loss. I had lesson, but I did not know what had I learned. Everything flies the moment they reside in my mind. I don’t think I could do good this semester. Man, I think I have made a mistake. A big one this time. I am so dead. I so wish that I could just sleep and get adrift in it. and wake up when everything is solved..

It's August..

2010-08-07T16:02:00.000+08:00

i know this month will arrive, although deep in my heart i prayed for it to never come. a merry month to most, but a month of goodbye to me. farewell to someone i wish i never met and got to know because now letting go is just too difficult..

with the thought of you going away and i need to let you go paved in my mind for so long, i prepared myself for these to happen. little that i know, no matter how many or how much preparations i have made, they never prepare me for the real deal. the void that the separation will leave, a blank space flooded by tears and melancholy.

without you in sight, i am strong, bubbly and slightly motivated. however, upon your arrival, i fumble, crumble and stumble. you still take my breath away, stop the rotation of my world and close my vision and horizon, although a thousand times had i told myself, you are hell impossible.. but i am weak, i cannot resist your charm even when you are not using it, you do nothing, your presence itself is a blessing to me.. i hate effortless people, they do nothing and get and have everything.

i know i never say anything of this matter and you shall never know since talking to you was a never event in my life. how i wished for a chance to talk and express all this to you. but, it is August now, a little too late for anything.. it means goodbye.. goodbye, goodbye... Tower...

*down*

I finally figured out..

2010-07-30T10:51:00.000+08:00

This week has been nothing but exposition. It has exposed me to my inner self, more than I usually try to do on my own. It started with the death of my grandma, a very sad and rather regretful thing or event to happen in my life. Sad, of course because I lost someone so dear to me, a woman who give birth to my mom, who used to be a replacement parents for me when my parents were not near and of course, someone important in my mother’s life, a woman who had shaped her into who she is today. My grandma is important in our family to the limit. Regretful, since I last met her was a few months back. How I wished I have met her more recent. I went back and attended the funeral. It was a sad and rather full of cries and tears. There were several heart touching moment to me especially the time when my granduncle was reciting the Talkin (a ceremony in muslim’s death), can you imagine how hard it was for a brother who regards his sister more than just a sister, but also a mother, to say goodbye and farewell to the sister? It was hard for him, that I am sure. I love kissing my grandma, I am among a few of her grandchildren who actually kiss her willingly (you know, when we grow older, we tend to be embarrass to do so) and kissing her forehead for the last time is just …. I am at loss of words to express my feelings. I realized one thing back then, I do have feelings. The soft emotional side of me still works.

Then, about Tower, I have realized that there is no point in chasing the person anymore. I will never get Tower, that is for sure. We lived in different world and there is no way Tower would ever consider me to be dearly to ***self. Although my existence is to acknowledge, but there is no way we are in the same league. So, I think it is about time for me to back off and move on. I am going to bring down the Tower to make space for new development. You know what I mean.

*clarified*

happy in the past, tears in present and fear in future..

2010-07-25T12:50:00.000+08:00

what am i thinking when i was writing this title. it is memories. yup, memories of all the happiness that you have in the past is one of the greatest thing. it reminded you of how fun things used to be, how free was life and how innocent you were back then. it brings nothing but that warm feeling in your heart.it makes you want to turn back time and live in that moment. forever. without needing to grow up and face the future, the reality. this was inspired during a sit at Dc, a place that used to be the 'it' place for us.. the place where we met each other, making new friends. meeting new people, celebrate any occasion in our life back then. a place that used to be a place of friendship and relation, since we were far from family and all we have were each other. that time was full of laughter, every journey was an adventure and exploring was the main idea of existence. now, it all has changed..

now, the place is like a desert.. dead and soulless.. no more laughter, no more people hanging out doing things together, and seriously, no more laughter. what is left is a place with extreme commercialisation. sitting there, looking at the current state of the place, it brought the sad feeling in my heart to resurface and hoped for things would never had changed. but that is just too good to be true..

upon looking this, it makes me wonder, will the future be better or worse than its current state. will happiness ever find a place again in the hearts of the young and will exploring be the 'in' thing again. it alo make me feel that maybe i have grown up and it is about time for me to let go of all those memories and move forward, let it be into a world of better experience and new memories to e created or orse. i am betting on the earlier but made very preparation for the later. whatevr it is memories is a beautiful thing to recall, but just too good to live in..

*reminiscing about the happiness in the past can bring tears in the present and fear in the future*

dont know what to feel..

2010-07-20T12:43:00.000+08:00

okie, malay proverb would say, "yang dikejar x dapat, yang dikendong berciciran" summarized my whole situation right now. yup, the one i chased is nothing near reach and the one i have, or i thought would love to have me, is totally, i mean fully, ignores me. so now, i am at loss. no one else to blame but yours truly. okie, now i know what it means by do not chase those who you love, but find someone who loves you. in my case, i realised about this fact a little, not a little, by a semester that is, too late..

as i was busy trying to chase for the person i wanted, who else, Tower of course, paid full focus on Tower and closed my sight for other options. little that i know that the person who has been checking me out is not as bad. well, i would say the person is well equipped. cars, cute face, brain capability and not to mention charm is enough for me. but, stupidly, i dis the person to chase something beyond reach. now, more than ever, i wish i could turned back time and say "let's try".. instead of just dissing without trying to know any better. how i regret that now..

man, i wish i was not that stupidly loyal okie. i am loyal by nature, not by will. i pay attention on one, and never to many. oh, how i wished this is not part of me. as for now. im healing my heart again. man, my life is nothing but a never ending process of healing and mending broken heart. my own heart that is..

*fixing*

OMG!!!!

2010-07-14T15:07:00.000+08:00

today i decided to come to the faculty earlier than usual although my house is right in front of the fac.. dont really have any idea why but it just came to my mind that coming early might be a good idea since i was late for that particular lecturer's class twice and she is not happy with latecomers. so, i readied myself up and start my industrious journey to the place i will soon learn to love again.. my cute, humble and small faculty. as i arrived at the fac, i realised that a friend of mine was already there. as a friend, i went up the stairs and greeted her. she was surprised to see me and said that she has contacted me to tell me something important.. not to others but me.. she bumped into TOWER!!! WHAT?! dont tell me Tower is back.. man, how i miss the sight of that ever so tall Tower. but i said to her, maybe it is for the better that i did not bump into Tower. just as i was saying that, Tower walked pass the usual route he would use. OMG!! my knees were weak and i hardly able to stand. my heart pounded hard and i found it hard to catch my breath. man, you're good. Tower. No one ever succeed in making me wither like that before. and after that i could say my feelings were alleviated. and i smiled all the way through that rather treacherous class..

then, i decided to go and buy something for that stupid subject that i wish would never need to take it but that is just too good to be true. but OMG, i was lucky since i got to get on the free shuttle bus all the time. no money were paid except once in the main campus where i took a normal bus, but with my friend's bus pass (thank Dyds!) all expenses paid by not a single cent. and once i arrived there, to my horror, the lunch hour just began and i have to wait for at least an hour and a half.. luckily found a friend (thanks Teha) to talk to and fill in the wasted time. could i say something about the place that i have went to buy that particular stuff?? SAD and A BIG MESS!!.. i just cannot believe they handle formal meeting at a place like that. finally, the counter is opened and i get myself the stuff, which was a shirt and a cap.. HIDEOUS!! enough said..

finally, went back to the fac as i left everything here and need to see my friend to return his pass, i saw a familiar face with a twist. he is still the boy i knew from before but he has lost his famous messy LOCKS.. OMG!! locks as in hair, not keys.. and i just went to him and asked what happened to the hair and he replied "balik Umrah".. fine.. nothing else i could say..

so, today is so full of that particular phrase.. huhu..

*OMG*

i have seen a bit.. and it is not for me..

2010-07-10T13:21:00.000+08:00

sometimes, the things that you see in just a short period of time can change your whole perspective about something. that is what i feel after spending a night with some of my friends and experience their way of life. a life i thought i wanted. but now, maybe not at all..

a life of free living, a life of no worries, a life of nothing but fun. a life where you can be who you really are, be with whoever you want and find people of the same 'interest'. a life where you never think about the future, only now and then. life that is for me , too good to be true.

as my friends were driving me back home, it came to my mind that this is not the life i wanted. i wanted something with more prospect. i want my life to be meaningful, not just wasted. i want to be more than just a waste of space on this world. go ahead if you do not want to take me there anymore, i am okie with it. it is just not the life i would imagine myself going. im going the other way, not that way. no offense, not that i am saying that life is bad (although from some point it is), but it is not for me. i serve a purpose in this world and i shall fulfill my purpose.

sorry people, not for me..

*realised*