The journey home..

Despite not finishing my studies this sem, I decided that this will be the last time I stay there. So, I packed my stuff, said my goodbyes and drove home. Yeah, the lecturer gave me the freedom to work through email so I am able to make such a decision. To be honest, I don't know how well will my life be because I have lived here for the past 5 years. Going back home equals starting anew somehow due to the unfamiliarity it has towards me now. To be honest, I am never at home in my own housing area. I went to different school, I played different games. Most of the time, I am the outcast. So, yeah, this time around, being older, maybe I'll finally learn how to get along with people around me. Huhu, plus, I need to find work to finance myself. I am no longer under the support of my study loan. Now, where can I find work that allows me to be a student as well? I guess it is up for me to find out. Home. At peace and turmoil.

halted life..

the last few entries have been revolving around the same theme and issue. well, this will be the last of them. regarding that thingy that is holding my life back and not making it possible to move forward. yup, my mini thesis. it is official now that i am not graduating on time due to it. on one hand, i am distraught by this revelation because i never had to actually repeat or failed a subject here in uni, so this is a first. however, on the other side, well, i guess more time for me to send something that i can actually be proud of to say mine. haha, who am i kidding, knowing me, all my work will be done in a rush manner. the only thing that keeps me going is my drive to escape death. LOL.

why with the title? well, that title is actually self explanatory but i will take my time to explain it anyway. why? it's up to me hehe. my life is halted because i cannot move forward with it. i am at a junction of both work and study but i cannot choose one and i cannot choose any at all. the situation does not allow me to move forward. so, here i am in this continuous loops of early and mid adulthood. a place where i have all the responsibility of a mid young adult but a capacity of an early just-passed-teenage-years adult. i need to care for something financially but working is not an option that is clear. shackles are on my ankle and wrist and all i can do is look around feeling numb.

need to be positive about life because life without positivity is not a life at all.

Becoming the person..

It is hard to live a life your own way when there was someone great. In my case, my late dad. He was one of the greatest persons I have known in my life. The fact is most people are hoping for me to emulate him in some ways if not all. How is that even possible? We are definitely two very distinct person despite sharing the same gene and look. I looked up to him but I never plan to be him. So, when people bring this issue up, it annoys me. Not to say that I don't love him, it is just that I cannot be like him and I have my own vision of who I am. I wish people will just stop comparing us because I can never live up to their expectations because I am a different person.

A short escape..

At the moment, I am at my hometown, taking my mind off the things that are bugging me in my life currently. It is a very much needed break if you asked me. From all the craziness that has happened to me for the past few months, my mind is on the verge of insanity. Sheesh, over the top much but yeah, that was what I felt. So now here I am with my family and all. Still, I'm keeping some secrets from them because it hurts to break the heart of the ones you love..

Failure is the option..

I tried my best. I tried to work under pressure. I tried to do all I could despite my brain decided to go against me. I wanted to meet people's expectation of me. Calling me able and all. However, for once I feel so weak. So hopeless. Like there is no way for me to get out from this pitch darkness in which the future is not in sight. I fear for myself but I am at my lowest at the moment and I am unable to help myself. My cries are unheard by many and most of the time I cry in silence or worst, in smiles. I showed a facade of a happy person when the truth is the essence of life is losing contact with me. I don't want to be a failure but that's the direction I am going. I am so gonna die. Inside but breathe this soulless vessels to satisfy others but I do not know how to. Eff am I rambling? I'm losing my mind and I am certain of that..