What is happening with my life?

wow, it has been 6 years since i last visited this place. i am somehow making a return because i need to find refuge. a place of calmness, my own fortress of solitude. to be honest, life hasnt been good and hasn't been bad as well. or am i saying that to try to gaslight myself into thinking things are not all too bad? God knows.. or maybe i know as well but i am in the state of denial. one thing for sure, my mental state at the moment is in shambles! hahaha what's new? life's trajectory? lol guess what? i thought i could launch my life like a functioning adult, guess who is currently stagnant if not spiraling down into a mess? me, i am a mess! i am single and unmarried, something i planned to do when i was 25, lol i'm 7 years too late already. i also planned to further my studies, well that didnt work as well, in fact, the whole work got stopped! hahaha these laughs are not funny, it's a cry for help. work wise, i am doing average to below average. after years of underappreciation, i am sort of done with it. i even got transferred, applied not forced uopn and even that can't help me bring back my lost motivation. i wonder how did the overachiever in me died within just a few years. the poison was strong i guess. life hasn't been nice to me and i havent been nice to myself either. i shoud start a year of forgiveness and the first person i should forgive is.. myself.

Jealousy..

So, the idea behind this post came when I saw my ex crush being happy with the significant other. Focus on the word ex over there because I thought I had no feelings anymore towards the person. However, it seems like a whole different case now because if I don't have feelings anymore, then why should jealousy exist? So.. yeah, the heart is a mystery to many, including me.

The thing is, love or liking is not a one time thing, it stays with you till the end of time, or the end of your memory about that person.

Being attacked..

This past few weeks have been hard on me. I felt like I was being attacked mercilessly by the people around me. Everyone expects something from me and I don't even know if I can cater to their expectations. It was difficult and to be honest, until now, my mind is racing, thinking of possible ways and direction the next attack will come. People are getting to see the vulnerable and weakerside of me, the side I always keep hidden from most people most of the time.

From all these experiences, I learn some new things about myself. I realise that my "I don't care about what is being thrown at me" face is so damn strong.. Nobody realises the person inside of me was already crumbling for weeks before it started showing signs two weeks ago. The whole time, everybody thought I was doing fine when in fact, I was screaming inside with agony and sadness.

The attacks are nowhere near over just yet. I must be ready for the next strike.mi am currently waking on glasses.. Shards that can harm me if I step too hard or lose my focus.. I must be aware of everything, everyone.. I am fighting a war..

The real nature of my job..

So, I just got back from attending a course regarding my side post. Yes, I am a person with two jobs, one is the one I signed up for and the other was forced upon me. Those in my field would know what job am I talking about. Basically a babysitter. To be honest, I don't like it at first , even now, but I have grown to tolerate it. But, the course I attended today has changed the view on this job.

Apparently, it's more than just taking care of these kids. We're expected to make them better human beings. And the expectations put on them are so damn high, it's unrealistic. It is easy for one to suggest something theoretically when one has never done the job. Looking at the list of the requirements, it's actually a whole different post, it shouldn't be something on the side of an already burdening vocation. Dafuq is wrong with these people? I mean, not all humans, especially kids, are capable of handling themselves well. Some of them needs constant push and the latter are the ones I'm facing..

Ugh,mint makes me hate this life I'm living even more.. Laws, when will I escape all these BS? I need to go away..

Finding my way back here

It wasn't easy going day by day, feeling jaded and uninspired. Every day feels like a drag and meeting the same people for a short amount of time is taking a toll on my social skills. I talk less and nothing excites me nowadays. It took me long and hard thinking to finally come to this solution. I need to write again just to avoid emotional build up. For your information, I am now living all by myself and adult interaction is something rare. Hence, this is my salvation to keep my mind sane and remain functional.

Life has been seriously overwhelming nowadays. I am still in the stage of figuring out things despite having been doing the same thing for a year now. I understand that learning is a life long process but one year in and still not even competent? I am not used to that. Well, maybe I am too hard on myself but I can't help it. That's how I survived being ignored or not cared about earlier. Yeah, I am my own best friend and worst enemy. To be honest, when I first got here, I thought it was my calling. I was doing something similar but it did not give me satisfaction due to other commitments that I needed to adhere. So, I thought jumping into this job will give me the satisfaction I crave. Little that I know, I felt stuck and disappointed real soon. Mostly because I'm a result person and not a process person. Let me tell you, human interaction is damn tiring and trying my patience. I don't even know why I bother trying to connect.

I remember the first thing the person said on my first day of duty. "To be good in this field, one needs to remember to be a human". Now, I get what she meant. I am not the best human or even good to begin with. Teaching others to be humans is a feat too bizarre for me. But, I have made this choice and I will have to suck it up! According to terms, I might need to serve for approximately 34 more years.. Damn! Will I live longer than that if this is the state of mind I am having just after a year. It's a point to wonder..

Let's be known that updates will come often as this is my only outlet to let everything off my chest. Till then, toodles!

I tried..

I tried to pen happy love stories, but to no avail. I dig deep into my mind and heart, wondering why. In that journey, I learned a lot about myself, in love. I am a fixer. In most of my experiences, I tried to fix the other person. In order to get someone to fix, the person must be broken or wrong somehow. Hence the relationships were always rocky and choppy. Fights were prevalent points in the relationship and heartaches were common. Happiness was rare and struggle was always the main theme. I was never in a dream-like relationship..

Hence, I can't write a proper love story. Well, not proper, happy. Because that experience is foreign to me. Well, people say acceptance is the first step to bliss. I am accepting the fact that the experiences I had were rough, but those are all real love.. I hope for a change in the future though..

finding inspiration..

i realised as i get older, the will to write has become lesser and lesser. i am no longer excited about sharing what is happening in my life because to be honest, i am not sure whether am i still living or am i just merely breathing. yeah, life has been stale lately. basically nothing excites me or i am just jaded as f.. like seriously, even bad news cannot make me react nowadays. i am just that dead inside. i am not sure why.

is it because i have lived as an observer for such a long time, i have stopped wanting to be the one living the life i was envious of? to be honest, if i want to say that i dont have stories to share would be a lie but i dont think i know how to put those stories into words. worse, when i read the stories, they reminded me of something that i could never achieve or have in my life, that is being on the greener side of life. yeah, this is the pessimist me writing. deal with it.

anyhow, i think should get active in writing again. maybe i should force myself to write at least a post daily. it is not like anybody is still reading so it doesnt really matter what i write.

It has been a while..

*cleans cobweb* hello, I know I haven't been here for quite some time now. I basically have nothing to write. But, something had happened in my life lately and it has sparked the desire to write again.

For those who have followed this blog for a long time, you would know I write the most when I'm facing heartbreak. Well, that's basically what I am facing at the moment. After years of solitary and not feeling the need to open up my heart, I decided to give love a try again. Guess what? Heartbreak follows suit. Shit..

I am a firm non believer of online dating. I used to find it nonsensical. How can you love someone you've never met? Guess who had to swallow back all the words? Yours truly that is.. I met the person online, through that picture sharing socmed. Well, aesthetic wise, my type! Personality wise, hate to admit but it's my type too. You know, douchey and obnoxious. Yes, I'm that stupid repeat offender for abusing myself in shitty relationship. This time was no different. I have had my heart broken more than the years I remained single and we're not even an item yet. I am stupid but I cannot help it!

An ex even came back into my life just to warn me about the new person and I chose to ignore because I believe in a new beginning. Well, new means something different. It won't work when you still fall for the same thing over and over again. I knew better but I just could not care. Again, broken, in the brain and heart.

So yeah, I am back to being single and maybe I should plan for solitary life. Having a person in my life seems like an ordeal I don't think I am capable of handling. (Yeah sure, guess who will fall head over heels when the next chance comes? Me!)

Football

I have never been a fan of football.. Wait, I was! Some times when I was younger, but the feeling died, like most things in my life. What? I went dark too soon. Anyway, love for football is long gone and I don't think I can love it  anymore. But, life, being the silly jester it is, decided to force me to love the sport, or maybe handle it. Like what? I can't even with life at the moment. Why are you placing me in this mess! Whatever, love will never be in so I just need to learn how to manage..

Death..

Death has been a recurring theme in my life lately. from family members to the people around me. it makes me think, life in this world really is fragile and to a certain extend, short. death is not an easy topic to talk about. it is something that most people will try to avoid talking, because it's confirmed, but at the same time, unknown and uncertain. it is a paradox, while in the same time a closure. it is something mysterious yet known. it is opposite.

death has always impacted the lives of the people who still lives then the one under the ground already. those living people are the one who have to face the grief, the sadness, the regret, the unfinished feelings. we faced it worse than the one who left us. well, religious wise, they have something to face too, but in this reality, we are the one facing all these unsettled emotions. for what? the dead will not come back, that's for sure. i guess that is why we have mourning period, for us to get our heads back to its original state. till then, we have to face this temporary madness. a purgatory of sad emotions.

*inspired by the death of my sis who passed away from cancer. may God bless her soul*

Surprises.. Good and not so good ones..

Hello blog, it has been a while. I did not have anything to write not because there was nothing happening in my life. It is because things that happened were so messed up, they left me feeling down and low most of the time. However, will vent it out here just for the sake of writing.

I have finally started my long holiday.. To my surprise was a no holiday at all. My sister were diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome and hospitalised and it has become a DAILY routine for us to visit her. Pfft, shouldn't have made holiday plans in the first place then I wouldn't have this heartache. I was planning to visit a place I called home for 7 years before moving back to my hometown and now the town I'm living. Visit all the usual places and for once, feel like I am where I belong. Guess dreaming was too much of a luxury for me.

Then, another surprise! I am transferred to another workplace despite only being at the previous one for about 3 months. It is still within the same district tho and this time around, the place is even deeper. Whatever, life has been throwing me lemons since forever so this is just another one. I am hopeful but not putting too much hope as I know how my life works..

So, yeah, those are basically the highlights of my life in these few months I stayed absent from the blog. What a highlight, right? Hahaha. Yes, I have to see my life as a joke only to go through it without wanting to end it.

Too used to loneliness

Since I was a young child, going out was never something I look forward to. I am what we call a domestic person. I can stay at home for days without going out and still feel alright after that. However, back then, I have my family with me. I was never alone. Otherwise can be said for loneliness though.. You can be lonely in the sea of thousands..

The thing started to grow on me when I moved out from the family house and lived on my own. I got to know the joy of staying alone and be with no one else but me. I started appreciating the silence. After some time, I got so used to it. I find living in silence as the way to live. I was never lonely but I live in loneliness. I got addicted to it.

Now, I find it hard to live like a normal person. A community unit. All because I'm too used to being all by myself. It is not that I don't try. I just find it to be a hassle. I am too used to loneliness. It has become my way of life.

Duvet weather..

Hahaha, the title is in reference to the weather on the first day back to work after a week long holiday. How cruel is nature to tease you as such. After a whole week of beautiful mornings, on the day that you should work your arse out, the duvet weather appears! Like why?? Ugh.. It just strengthen the love between my bed and I.. Hahaha anyway just telling that I am back to working and I will face this term with more optimism. HAHAHA

Break free..

The first month has passed and I must say, I am getting used to the job. Well, somehow I feel like this is something that I could do till I am quite old. Not in this environment though. Not to badmouth or anything, but the environment seems rather futile and stagnant. Somehow they're making changes for the sake of surviving, and not progressing. I miss intellectual talks and discussion I would have with my friends and colleagues previously. Well, maybe I have yet to get to know everyone. Despite tgat, there's someone who always share his thoughts with me regarding our work environment and I must say, I resonate to his thoughts. Yeay to finding similar mind.

Anyway, at the moment, I am enjoying a one week break from work. So happy to break free from that place. Not that it is a bad place but it just doesn't feel like home just yet.. Or ever.. Did not plan anything though for the break.. Mostly because of Aidiladha is in the middle of it. It's a big family matter for us. How I wish I can escape to somewhere on my own..

feeling old..

living among youths. yup, that is my life at the moment.i live with youngsters, who have yet to know the world, in their sheltered mind. how sweet is innocence.. only to taste the bitterness of truth. haha, i know i sound like an old bitter person but i guess hard life had made me into such a person. in a way, it's stimulating to see such innocence in action, where all dreams are possible and life is going to be like how you plan it. i remember being that person, though it was not for long. i learned about reality way too soon and it resulted in something incurable in me.

anyway, seeing their innocent thoughts, it makes me feel real old. like so old, i could be turning into dust soon! like seriously decaying as i am living.. or breathing more likely. am i still living? time will tell me that because for now, i am pretty sure i am in a limbo. whatever it is, i dislike youth for its innocence because the only good that comes from innocence is positive outlook on life and in my case.. you know how it goes..

call me Pops the next time you see me! hahaha

Still adjusting..

       A few weeks have gone by and by now, I think I am quite comfortable in my working environment. As for the drive, I was never the enthusiastic one and my goal has always been behavioural. I want to see changes and results and the process never mattered to me. I know some will say that this is not how the current practice should be but I believe in results and proven practice. But hey, they like me, I think.. Maybe because I am not that serious.. Whatever it is.. I think I will be fine.. For the next few years..

A week into..

It has been a week into the new job. To be honest, the feeling that I felt the most this week was doubt. I have no idea why but that's it. Maybe because I have not been in this field for more than a year now that this whole things feel weird in my point of view. At one point, I was so scared, I wished I did not make this decision. Lol, irrational me. Typical..

Overall, I'm hoping for the best and I hope to be the best. That's all for now.. Next week, the real ordeal starts..

Back to Nothing with you

We gave it a try. Again. We embraced the familiar physical to discover the alien souls that reside now. These souls, used to understand each other can now no longer sing the same song, finish each other's sentences and guess what's in each other's mind. We are now complete strangers with familiar faces. What time has made us into. It's ironic to think that at times we believe that love is timeless and eternal when the people in love are constantly changing.

After much thought, we decided that it is not wise to be together when the pieces don't fit anymore. We are like two pieces of puzzle, but from different sets. Not destined to be in each other's life anymore, as the complement. There's a missing piece in our love, but we are not each other's.

We are back to nothing. Not square one because there wasn't one to begin with. Let's move according to our separate paths now and maybe see each other along the way. Maybe not as partners, but passersby that meant something once upon a time.

I'm a fool for you.. And because of you..

All you had to do was made me remember how it was like to love you. How it made me feel. How we were together. You caught me off guard. I was at my weakest because of you and you lured me back into something you call a relationship. I agreed to the whole idea, because it was yours and maybe this time, you would be different. A person can dream eh? Well, the thing about dream is it doesn't always come true.

I've been single for way too long to remember what it feels like to have someone has my back, supports me, always be there for me. Somehow, when I agreed into this, these were parts of the expectations I had. I really hoped for these. Guess it wasn't true to you. For you, it'smore about the convenient of returning to the things you know, or you think you still know and in this case, the thing is me. You thought of me as a place that you could hang around and be all comfortable, like what we had almost 9 years ago.. People change.. I changed.. You changed.. We are no longer that 16 year olds.. We are basically strangers who knows each others' name and not more than that. How unfortunate for us to learn it this way.

The thing is, you're not alone when it comes to the convenient part. To tell you the truth, I am into it as well. I thought "well, now we can skip the part where I get to know you and just be in a relationship and continue from where we were before". But I forgot one major information, we hit the end of the road the last time. There's no continuing to that. Basically, we have to start over. 16 and 25 are 9 years apart and we've grown into different person in these years. We both forgot about this and now I feel like a fool. Because of you and for you.

To be honest, I don't know what I want from all these. Do I want this to be real? I am not even sure about it. The way you act doesn't help either. It's tiring being the only one trying when we all know it takes two to tango. Just.. Ugh.. I'm such a fool..

P/s: so sorry. I just have to write this down. This has been bothering me and I have no other outlet to say it except here. Yeah, despite saying I am a different person now that I am older, I'm almost 25 now!, deep inside, I can still find the trace of my younger self..

I did that..

Woke up from a nap, feeling nostalgic. I reminisced the life I had and the people that were in it. One particular person stood out more than the rest. Because that person was my friend, to a certain level, a best friend. But things went sour quite fast. The blame was always on him but I now realised, it takes two to kill a relationship.

How could two friends ended up constantly stabbing each other? I couldn't recall the beginning but I remember how it ended.the thing is, matters of the heart is complicated and when you mess with one's love, you might create a monster. That's what I did. I created the person who wanted to destroy me. I retaliated badly as well. I fought fire with fire. A move qrongly chose.

Whatever it was, it's now a part of my past. The past I parted ways with years ago. Only I woke up feeling nostalgic and the memory hit me like a gentle slap on the cheek, waking me up from the delusion I had about it for years.