Gimme a break.. will ya?

I thought I am strong. I thought I could for once, handle it. I thought after all those years, I might be ready for this. But the reality is just too painful for me to face. What am I talking about here? Well, it is actually about being in a long distance relationship, or simply said LDR. I saw a friend of mine was being so interested in this matter since he was about to go through one (currently is) and I thought to myself, it will never work. I had been into several and all failed miserably. Thus, I am at no position to believe that it will work. But it looks like things are going fine for him. Okie, good for you.

As for me, I have been in constant contact with one of my ex, let just call the person S, who flew to Perth, Australia about a year ago. We broke up at the airport since I cannot bear long distance relationship. But, nothing change. Even when we are far apart, the care for one another is the same. I never forget S and always have the same amount of care. It is as if we were never separated. After long thought, I decided to try LDR with S. But, I will put it under complicated relationship since we could never categorise what our real relationship is.

However, it lasted only for a few days. I can’t stand the fact that you are far away. Yeah, when I am not in a relationship, I am okie with the distance, but when we make it official, I got tensed up. I can’t focus on anything. I just want you. Finally, I made a call and said

“ can you gimme a break? I promise I’ll try this again once the holidays begin. I can’t focused with you on my mind. I can think no other but you..”

And S replied with nothing but just a smile and okie.. thank goodness. Well, of course S understands me. We were together before. So honey, I’m committing this holidays okie. Not now...

*on break*

who would go for beautiful boys??

i have been noticing this for a while. yeah, girls go crazy over those extremely cute and girlish looking guys, but seriously if you think deeply, will any girl even consider having them as their life partner? because they are just too beautiful, girls might get intimidated by their beauty. in the end, they are just good to see but not to have. imagine going out together and people around you keep saying that the guy is way more beautiful than the girl. if the partner is also a beautiful girl, she will get compared to none other than her significant other who is from the opposite sex on beauty basis. whatta? will you ever want to face such situation. i bet most will back out. and who will love and be with beautiful boys??

i have once discussed with a friend of mine about how unfair is this world. ugly guys can get pretty girls if he has the right materials (money, intellect and power) and how ugly girls can hardly find anyone or finally ended up with ugly guys(hey, no hard feelings here okie, this is just between me and friend. we were casually talking about this) but i added at least they still have choices. beautiful boys got no one. beautiful girls go for more manly looks since they have enough beauty in themselves and ugly girls with get intimidated by the beauty and seriously want to avoid the bad talking. thus, who is left for the beautiful guys? hmm.. please, they do not want to go for one another, they are not mostly homo, but some were forced by the situation. seriously, being beautiful sucks when you are a guy.

*i am ugly*

seriously, im tired and mood-less

nowadays, everything is a drag. i am not driven to do a lot of stuff i used be to so well driven. i sleep more than usual. and i always wake up feeling nothing but extreme misery and how dreadful life has been this lately. no answer to such feeling. it just happen. i try to recall for reason. it all goes back to none other but boredom. seriously, i am bored of life. whatta? i am barely 20 and all i could think of is when is this life gonna end or at least reach a turning point.

now, nothing works. i look at my pile of work and all i could feel is numb. yes, i am terrified by the whole consequences of not finishing them up, but im too numb to be affected by it. seriously, i think if my emotion is an organism, if you slit its cheek, it wont bleed and even scream.. it is just too numb and can be safely said, dead but alive. that is my latest feeling about myself.

i need to heal myself before it is too late. i need to go for a getaway.. maybe to the countryside for a while to seriously look into myself and be who i am again. i am in too much turmoil and seriously it kills me..

*lost*

MBMB camp..

this is the name of the camp that came up at the most wrong time. i must say, i dreaded to go to it at first. mainly because i am a person who does not believe that people can put motivation in a person, the person need to put it by themselves. thus, upon hearing about the program, i have great reluctance. but, thinking of what will happen if i dont go, i went for it. seriously, i dread it.

it was off to a rocky start. the bus that was supposed to pick us up mistakenly went to the other campus. so, we were late by 2 hours due to all the waiting. seriously, everyone's heart just turned from sour to bitter by all the waiting. finally, the bus arrived and i must say, i went aboard with half a heart.

the bus moved. on the bus, i tried to sleep. but i just cant. luckily they screened Mantra in the bus, a malay horror movie which was recently out. okie, the story is sort of funny and scary at the same time. awang-awang.. haha. we make joke about the movie throughout the journey. we forgot about our reluctance for a while. finally, after a lot of laughter, we arrived at KBN Alor Gajah Melaka.

seriously, it went out just like how i expected it to be. to write it all here, i cant since it is part of the country act of secrecy. but i will just say, we learn about history, politics (mostly), have fun with activities such as repelling, night walk solo and others. then, we also make new connections. guess what, we were scared to get to know them and the same goes to them. no wonder we never talk to one another. haha, funny world. seriously, it was fun. the schedule are not strict and we were treated nicely. no scolding like little children. i like that.

one of the main event was community service which was cleaning up mosque area and cemetery. all do their work with enough effort. hahahaahaha.. no one really push it to the limit. then, it ends. finally. we also made connection with the facilitators since they are young and fun. they are not worn out uncle or aunties who are too engulfed by work and forgotten about life. all in all, it was good.

sum it all up, i was okie with it la. although im still a bit mad for the dishonesty from the organizing committee (just tell us what it is all about from the beginning okie) and the short notice, but the experience was fun.

*dunno*

a thing at a wrong time..

why do i call this activity that i am going this weekend a thing, without any adjective of quality whether it is good or wrong or bad? because i have no idea what to expect and how to categorise it. i just say it a thing then, to not severe my head more. anyway, the activity is a camp in Melaka.. God sake knows what will we do there..

it is said that it is a motivational as well as a community service activity since the exam is near. look at the sentence above. the exam is near la vavi.. what is the whole point wanting to do an activity in this critical hours. we all have planning and things to do, things that concerns our academic excellence. most of us just got assigned to a bunch of assignments and fieldwork to be done. all that takes time and this activity is nothing but a stupid big rock in the middle of the way. stupid.

then, it is told in extremely short notice. today is tuesday and they expect to do it this friday till sunday (TOT).. whatta? at least tell us before the raya holiday, then we would have prepared. although still have the reluctance in our hearts (okie, my heartis a sure, others i have no idea). the best thing was getting info on it. they have yet to discuss about what to do and the tentative is yet to be done. wow, you have the gut to inform without proper prior knowledge. how the system 'amazed' me. they are mind readers i think.

whatever it is, i think this is a thing done at a wrong time.

*vavi*

Raya: Drama and Dullness

first of all, i would like to share my happiness that i finally got a replacement for my stolen lappy last semester. although i get it from a loan from my mom ( i will pay every semester eh Mama?), the main point is i get a lappy. at last, machine of happiness has return into my previously dull life. haha, exaggeration to the limit.. although it is a bit heavy than my previous one (nearly another half a kilo more!) but i will suit to it later. i am happy with it.. naming it Dominique.. whattaya think? oh, this is included in this post since i got it in raya season.. considered a raya gift.. bought with a bit of my raya money.. okie, a lot of my raya money.. huhu :(

okie, for the drama side.. this does not really involve me directly since it concerns a generation above me, my mom, dad and siblings. i cant say much as i am so not involved. but, drama during raya is so not welcoming right? drama should be kept later, not on the raya morning..pfft.. whatever it is, although it was heart aching for most of us, but we cool down the intensity by making it into laughing matter.. seriously, all the tears rolled down due to this matter has been flooded by the laughter that we made about it. haish..

then the next drama was me celebrating raya with an ex. haha, that is so crazy right.. of all the houses i could go to, i went to my ex's. got treated nicely by the family anyway, only slightly ignored by the ex. ah, like i care, i went there for the bonding okie, not reconciliation. luckily i went there with some of my friends (it was their idea!) so the silent treatment is not apparent. whatever.

the dullness part is ought to be since i am no longer a child. seriously, hari raya is so meaningful and fun when you were a child. once you grow up, responsibility took over the fun segments. damn it. thus, i cant say much. shop for baju raya alone. that is sad. why nobody want to accompany me? no big preparation were made either since we still are grieving over the passing away of my grandma. so, hari raya is slightly gloomy this year.

okie, that is it for raya update. will update soon since the writing machine is back!! i like..

*happy and sad*

im a straight forward person.. i cant help it..

the reason behind the writing of this post is because something people dont get me when im being honest directly. i never say an ugly dress okie but not for you, i will say it as ugly as that what i saw it as. i dont know the more polite way to give out my thoughts. i just lash them for you and you need not think a lot to digest the meaning. what i say is what i meant. so, im sorry of people got offended or such because it is just me, being myself.

this is usually a big problem when im turning down someone's offer to go out or whatsoever. i dont go around saying im tired or any other excuse, i will just say i dont want to. yes, im not good in taking care of people's heart. maybe because i dont mingle much with people. i just know how to express, but hardly have a clue on how to filter.

another thing about me if dont give hints about your dissatisfaction. i just dont get it. i dont get signs and gestures. i only digest verbal and action signals. i know you might say it is impossible for me to overlook such signals but it is true. i have hurt a lot of people and lose a few opportunities because i dont get signals. thus, be frank and say upfront with me okie. im okie with that. so what if i talk bad about you later, you did it first..

so, mind me if im blur by flowery words because i am straight forward. dont go around in giving your idea. make it a straight channel okie. easy for me to digest.

*tired of thinking*