That is what I have been looking for since you walk away from my life. Someone who could give me that warm feeling I feel when you whisper in my ears that you love me. Someone who could give me the same shivers when you hold my hand and touch me to show me that you will always be there, by my side, through thick and thin. Someone who will give me the same secured and blissful feeling I feel when you put your arms around me. Seriously, I miss you damn much and I hate to admit this, but yeah, I have not moved on since the day you decide to walk away from my life. The day I realise that I have made a mistake that I could not revert. I know I sounded lame, but that is what I feel. Call me lame, I just could not be bothered.
Now, I have to live with the fact that you are no longer in my life and I have to go through it alone, all by myself. Gosh, I don’t know whether I have the strength to go through it. However, I have gone through it before, I just need to learn again how to do so. Losing support after so many years of dependency on it is so not cool.
I guess you might have moved on. Well, you usually heal fast since I have been giving you several ill treatments during all the time we were together. Well, it is not one sided, you too teach me a thing or two about cruelty. Hehe, seriously, we were abusive and yet we love one another. How ironic. Back to the topic, I think you have found someone new and I guess that person could give you the thing I could not give you. I wish for the best of you too, sincerely. I don’t hope for you to return since I know it is almost impossible for that to happen. There is only one thing I want to ask from you that is to not forget me. Seriously, I still hold tightly to our memories; both sweet and bitter. Bittersweet; that was what we were.
That is all I want to say to you. Seriously, I am still looking for someone like you.
*emotional*
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Getting off focus.. again..
I told myself a thousand times. This semester will be better than the previous and I will put my focus solely on my studies. Hmm, looks like the whole telling yourself scheme has yet to show success. Instead, nowadays I go to classes with an annoyed face and a deep reluctance settled on my face, mind and soul. To be honest, I do not get it why? It is a self planned plan and I still fail to do so. I feel down with myself.
Due to this behaviour also, I have been sensing that some lecturers have started to feel annoyed and has started not liking me. What?! That is something new to me. Okie, not that new. I am always hated by at least one lecturer due to my attitude. Well, imagine having a student who comes to class, sits at the back, put on an annoyed face and do other work while the lecturer is teaching. Well, that student is me. So, I am quite used to being not liked. But usually this situation is fixed after a few weeks due to my participation in class later. But this time, I did not even have the effort to participate at all. Gosh, I have gone astray from my focus. Again.
I need to rethink about my focus again. I have to take a deep breath and set my focus again.
*thinking*
Due to this behaviour also, I have been sensing that some lecturers have started to feel annoyed and has started not liking me. What?! That is something new to me. Okie, not that new. I am always hated by at least one lecturer due to my attitude. Well, imagine having a student who comes to class, sits at the back, put on an annoyed face and do other work while the lecturer is teaching. Well, that student is me. So, I am quite used to being not liked. But usually this situation is fixed after a few weeks due to my participation in class later. But this time, I did not even have the effort to participate at all. Gosh, I have gone astray from my focus. Again.
I need to rethink about my focus again. I have to take a deep breath and set my focus again.
*thinking*
Monday, January 24, 2011
Lost..
Lost..
Being in a car for an extra one hour and a half is nothing cool. Your emotion starts going unstable. At first, you feel normal and determined to reach your destination. The mood of everyone will be all okie, friendly talks happen and discussion on what to do once we reach the place.
Then, you missed an exit. You start feeling the worry but it still does not bother you much for you have faith that the next exit will be the exit where you could make a turn to the place you are going. Now, you are one hopeful person. Then, once you see the next exit, you enter it; with hope soaring high in your mind and heart.
Then, you reach a place which seems to be a place of never-ending residential area. You start having panic attack but you try your best to stay calm. You still talk normally but this time, you could hear annoyance and unsure vibes coming from the speech. You will just follow your gut and do what you think is right to do to get out from the place. In the mean time, you look around and realise a lot of things. Among them is the place you wanted to go yesterday which were difficult to reach but now, it is right in front of your eyes.
Then, you keep on moving but to no avail. Your destination is nowhere near in sight and you start to feel anxious and angsty. You still talk but the soul is no more. You are now a Leona and emo-ness creeps in the void left by normal emotion. You start think everything negatively. Tension can be sensed filling the confined area of the car. This time, you only talk when it is necessary and when something went wrong add to your negativity. Giving up is now an option. Rationale is at its lowest. You can make decision correctly. You feel a rush of emotion: sad, angry, about to cry etc.
The journey continues. You seriously do not know what to expect. You start feeling a little bit light headed. You had nothing to put your faith on. You just go with the flow. Although we all know that deep in your heart, hope still lingers and want to make a break.
When you think everything is in vain, suddenly you see a familiar road: The road which will direct you to the destination. At first, you will feel hesitation in your mind because everything looks too good to be true but you want to believe it since you got nothing to lose now: You already lost something. You just follow the road and finally reach the destination. Seriously, at this time, your heart will be filled with a great sense of relief and you will just laugh about what has happened earlier.
*actually this is what happened to me last Sunday when I was on the way to my friend’s sister’s house. We got lost for more than 2 hours and we were on the verge of becoming crazy. Haha
*crazy*
Being in a car for an extra one hour and a half is nothing cool. Your emotion starts going unstable. At first, you feel normal and determined to reach your destination. The mood of everyone will be all okie, friendly talks happen and discussion on what to do once we reach the place.
Then, you missed an exit. You start feeling the worry but it still does not bother you much for you have faith that the next exit will be the exit where you could make a turn to the place you are going. Now, you are one hopeful person. Then, once you see the next exit, you enter it; with hope soaring high in your mind and heart.
Then, you reach a place which seems to be a place of never-ending residential area. You start having panic attack but you try your best to stay calm. You still talk normally but this time, you could hear annoyance and unsure vibes coming from the speech. You will just follow your gut and do what you think is right to do to get out from the place. In the mean time, you look around and realise a lot of things. Among them is the place you wanted to go yesterday which were difficult to reach but now, it is right in front of your eyes.
Then, you keep on moving but to no avail. Your destination is nowhere near in sight and you start to feel anxious and angsty. You still talk but the soul is no more. You are now a Leona and emo-ness creeps in the void left by normal emotion. You start think everything negatively. Tension can be sensed filling the confined area of the car. This time, you only talk when it is necessary and when something went wrong add to your negativity. Giving up is now an option. Rationale is at its lowest. You can make decision correctly. You feel a rush of emotion: sad, angry, about to cry etc.
The journey continues. You seriously do not know what to expect. You start feeling a little bit light headed. You had nothing to put your faith on. You just go with the flow. Although we all know that deep in your heart, hope still lingers and want to make a break.
When you think everything is in vain, suddenly you see a familiar road: The road which will direct you to the destination. At first, you will feel hesitation in your mind because everything looks too good to be true but you want to believe it since you got nothing to lose now: You already lost something. You just follow the road and finally reach the destination. Seriously, at this time, your heart will be filled with a great sense of relief and you will just laugh about what has happened earlier.
*actually this is what happened to me last Sunday when I was on the way to my friend’s sister’s house. We got lost for more than 2 hours and we were on the verge of becoming crazy. Haha
*crazy*
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Plans that became reality..
Yesterday, before all of us went our own way, we said to one another tomorrow we will see my friend perform (sing) at a carnival (in the university, not any circus or funfair) and go to the flea market in PJ. Being a pessimist I am famous for, I nod with doubts filling my anticipation. I even sleep at very late since I am not confident about executing the plan. However, things worked out differently. I did go through everything planned, with extra things along the way.
I did wake up on time and catch my friend performed in front of the public. She was great. Her pronunciation in Japanese is something to be envied of. Man, not in a million years can I be good like her. I better stick to French. Oh yeah, the carnival however, was dull. Seriously, less than 10 booths? Not a carnival as far as I am concerned. Although the food look not so appealing, but some of my friend did buy some. I wanted that raw white tuna sushi (if you are a real Japanese food fan, you will know how rare is that) but I was too late. Better luck next time. Then, we made our move to a kopitiam to have our brunch (to be honest, I cannot recall the last time I had by proper 2 time breakfast and lunch, it is always combined).
Then, we had our brunch. Some with their ever so fancy phone (well at least compared to mine) surf the net and start tweeting about the topics and what we are doing at the kopitiam. Haish, life nowadays and social networking just cannot be separated. Suddenly my friend who suggested the plan to PJ sort of wanted to bail out since the place is quite alien to her and she wanted to avoid nag and confrontation. At that time, my doubt was satisfied but not for long. We decided to go along with the plan.
Get lost along the way. Expected. What?! The place is alien to us as mentioned earlier. But we did arrive at the place. Lost again. This time, in the building. Ask a promoter and guess what is the reaction? She answered it well but in the same sentence she promoted the product she supposed to promote. Super cool. The sentence is nowhere near congruence but she just go with it. Girl, you made my day. Thanks to the info, we found the place.
Upon arrival, all I could see is FASHION items. Cute! I love all of it. How I wish I could buy them all and wear them. But those are dreams. Made on sweet clouds, nice to see but to hold is impossible. Well, let just say, I circled the place a few times and help my friend picked an item. A cool pinecone-like ring. Another friend of mine got to meet her favourite blogger. Good for you girl. Oh, I missed a part at the flea market. Can you imagined that? I circled and missed a spot. How weird. Whatevs.
Then, we headed home. To be honest, by that time, sleepiness crept in and I tried to control my yawn most of the time. Finally, after dropping two of my friends, we headed home (we here is my another friend and I). Getting out from the car became a mission impossible when we were too tired and I seriously felt my leg wobbled around. Huhu, talk about how shopping can drench your spirit, looks like your physical too. Once we reached home, we find the best spot and lay our body to get the proper rest it should get.
All in all, I am happy that the plan goes as planned. Hope for more adventure later.
*happily tired*
I did wake up on time and catch my friend performed in front of the public. She was great. Her pronunciation in Japanese is something to be envied of. Man, not in a million years can I be good like her. I better stick to French. Oh yeah, the carnival however, was dull. Seriously, less than 10 booths? Not a carnival as far as I am concerned. Although the food look not so appealing, but some of my friend did buy some. I wanted that raw white tuna sushi (if you are a real Japanese food fan, you will know how rare is that) but I was too late. Better luck next time. Then, we made our move to a kopitiam to have our brunch (to be honest, I cannot recall the last time I had by proper 2 time breakfast and lunch, it is always combined).
Then, we had our brunch. Some with their ever so fancy phone (well at least compared to mine) surf the net and start tweeting about the topics and what we are doing at the kopitiam. Haish, life nowadays and social networking just cannot be separated. Suddenly my friend who suggested the plan to PJ sort of wanted to bail out since the place is quite alien to her and she wanted to avoid nag and confrontation. At that time, my doubt was satisfied but not for long. We decided to go along with the plan.
Get lost along the way. Expected. What?! The place is alien to us as mentioned earlier. But we did arrive at the place. Lost again. This time, in the building. Ask a promoter and guess what is the reaction? She answered it well but in the same sentence she promoted the product she supposed to promote. Super cool. The sentence is nowhere near congruence but she just go with it. Girl, you made my day. Thanks to the info, we found the place.
Upon arrival, all I could see is FASHION items. Cute! I love all of it. How I wish I could buy them all and wear them. But those are dreams. Made on sweet clouds, nice to see but to hold is impossible. Well, let just say, I circled the place a few times and help my friend picked an item. A cool pinecone-like ring. Another friend of mine got to meet her favourite blogger. Good for you girl. Oh, I missed a part at the flea market. Can you imagined that? I circled and missed a spot. How weird. Whatevs.
Then, we headed home. To be honest, by that time, sleepiness crept in and I tried to control my yawn most of the time. Finally, after dropping two of my friends, we headed home (we here is my another friend and I). Getting out from the car became a mission impossible when we were too tired and I seriously felt my leg wobbled around. Huhu, talk about how shopping can drench your spirit, looks like your physical too. Once we reached home, we find the best spot and lay our body to get the proper rest it should get.
All in all, I am happy that the plan goes as planned. Hope for more adventure later.
*happily tired*
Friday, January 21, 2011
Like seriously?
Imagined being in a class, with an instructor who has years of experience in the field he or she is teaching and referred by others as an expert, suddenly says to everyone in the class not to ask deep questions since she or he is not really understand what the topic is all about. Seriously, that happened to me recently. To be honest, the moment I heard this, I freaked out. How is the person going to mark my papers correctly when her or his understanding is not that high? Besides, the language proficiency of the person is also not that high. Worst of all, the person is also the core person of the subject. Seriously, I am scared.
What if I write the answers according to the book but not the way the person deciphered it? Will I get the marks that I deserved? So many questions are playing in my mind since the person showed me the incompetency. I pray for the best and I really mean it. I just hope our mind sync and the answers that I will give are according to the person’s understanding.
*freaked out*
What if I write the answers according to the book but not the way the person deciphered it? Will I get the marks that I deserved? So many questions are playing in my mind since the person showed me the incompetency. I pray for the best and I really mean it. I just hope our mind sync and the answers that I will give are according to the person’s understanding.
*freaked out*
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sadness, I just don’t get you..
These few days, my life has been upside down. My mood swings extremely fast. I am easily saddened by anything lovely. I seriously recalled my previous relationships and every memory hurts me to the limit. I have been crying silently in my sleep. I somehow do not see the purpose of living at some point and at times, I just want to give up on everything. Including life. I had a feeling like my depression was returning back to me. OMG, I do not want that to happen again. So today, I going to lash out all my sorrow and despair on a piece of paper, write myself a poem about how my heart feels and finally let go of the sadness.
Seriously, I don’t really get it why I feel such way in the first place. It is not like people from my past come back and haunt me or sort. It just came without my notice. All I know, suddenly I am troubled by my memories. Let it be sad or happy, every memory hurts. So, I thought to myself, it is about time I take control of myself again. Cognitive over emotion. Be more productive and sadness, I can seriously put you aside and ignore you. I know to eradicate is impossible, so I will learn how to live with sadness which might be overwhelming at times. Till then, I am so forgetting you sadness..
*positive*
Seriously, I don’t really get it why I feel such way in the first place. It is not like people from my past come back and haunt me or sort. It just came without my notice. All I know, suddenly I am troubled by my memories. Let it be sad or happy, every memory hurts. So, I thought to myself, it is about time I take control of myself again. Cognitive over emotion. Be more productive and sadness, I can seriously put you aside and ignore you. I know to eradicate is impossible, so I will learn how to live with sadness which might be overwhelming at times. Till then, I am so forgetting you sadness..
*positive*
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sweet love story + being alone = depression..
Okie, on the tv as I am writing this entry is a sweet love story between a girl and a robot. The story is so sweet and the love between the two looked so sincere and believable. I am watching it alone. Seriously, it is depressing for me. Huhu, after the major breakup and sort of lost hope for love, watching sweet love story is like watching a cat being burned alive; Depressing and full of gruesome images. Besides, I think I am being cruel to myself by tormenting myself to finish the show. Huhu, but the show is just beautiful and I will not trade it with anything. Although as I watch this, my heart starts shattering and by the time it will end, which is soon, I might need to collect them fast because the wind of misery took some of it and fly them away. Wow, poetic words from me. Haha. But seriously, I’m trying my best to contain my tears from flowing down my cheeks. Sweet love story never failed to make me cry. But not Nicholas Sparks however, they are just too depressing..
*love story sucks soul*
*love story sucks soul*
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