The Calmness

At the moment, as I am writing this, I am at my hometown and in the comfort of my family. However, with the calmness that is overwhelming me at the moment, I am not sure whether this is the truth or a lie told by my mind to me to fog the truth that lies behind. It is the calm before the storm type of calmness. Well, I think I am just worried because I have not developed myself enough academically and personally.

As I am currently in my final year, I have two big things that are the obstacles that will hinder me from getting my degree. They are known as dissertation and practicum. Two of the biggest tasks that you will need to face in your tertiary education journey. To be honest, I don’t think that I am ready for any of those. Practicum? I don’t think I am a good teacher. Not that I don’t know my subject matter, I don’t think I have the personality to teach. Looking at previous assessment on teaching, I don’t think I will do good. However, I am positive that I will pass it. Though I might be good, I will be good enough. Hey, it is not only my education is on the line, my future students’ too. Their mistake due to my teaching will haunt me, forever! Huhu, yeah, I am aspired to improve education here.

For my dissertation, I am still not sure on what to write. I have the view of what to do but can I materialise it? That is the question. Plus, it must be research based which is a troublesome. But please, I need to finish this to get my degree so I will do my best to finish it. I must finish it or I will be finished!

*annoyed*

sudden clarity..

haha, new year is here and here i am, still affected by whatever that has happened from last year. oh please, last year was just yesterday, do not expect me to move on that quickly. i am slow at that.. what? moving on i mean. that is just something i am not good at. pfft, here i am again ranting about how hard it is for me to move on.. darn it Sai, enough.. okie, awkward inner fight just commenced.. nevermind..

oh, anyway, you know how much i love sketching dresses? like a lot. i sketch at all times, as long as there are pen/pencil and paper, i will sketch. i do not know why, i just feel like it. so just now, i was looking at my sketches and it came to me. i am never going to be able to make these come true. well, i do not have the right resources to begin with and i am not sure whether this is a dream that is within reach or just a fantasy i create to really express myself. one thing for sure, i am somehow going to put a halt to that dream for i know it is a waste to keep on thinking about something that will not happen. it is not that i am giving up dreams, i am just being realistic. i am just a human, nothing much i can do in this world. better that i stick with whatever i am doing right now and try to find the balance i need in life. throwing away dreams is not bad, it is just getting even with life. sometimes, what you want is not what you need.

then, regarding matters of the heart. to be honest, being single for the past two years has been my own choice and also my own fault. as aforementioned, i find it hard to move on. i held on to memories and seriously do not live in the moment. with that choice, i live a ruined life. seriously, i want to start anew. i dont mind not having anyone because at the moment i dont think i am fit to be with anyone. but i must no longer live with memories.. seriously, people say there is nothing wrong with having fond memories? BS! this fond memories are the one holding me back, keeping me in a time capsule, making me that non responsive thing i call myself. seriously, i need to let go. how? i should consult myself then.. i am my own counselor.. darn it when the counselor themselves is unable to help..

*turning over a new leaf*

rants before sleep..

these are what i had thought last night before falling asleep. blame it on someone on Twitter who made me dive into my personal thoughts on life and love. here are some of them..

loving the impossible is one of my favourite things to do. the pain that i feel everytime i am awakened by the reality that nothing will happen between the person and i is making me know that i am actually alive.however, behind every moment that i am told that i am alive, i am also dying, little by little for the pain is killing me as well. i am not at a limbo. between life and death. my bond is Feel and the dominant ine is Pain..

i am a distant lover.to get near, i am scared. not sure of my fear. is it rejection or acceptance? is it the loss of the person or the lost of me? i am scared of uncertainties while uncertainties is a certain in life. so, am i afraid of life?

of whore and love addict. have you ever wonder, are they the same? if they are, why there is a need to have two terms to label them? i guess some things are different. for me, one is a physical affection hunter and another is an emotional care giver.. which is which? you decide..

*overthinking*

of twisted dreams..

lately, i have been having a lot of weird dreams. the topics are mostly about my future. about how my family will be later. the family that i build, not the one i have right now. a lot of drama, a lot of complications. seriously, i do not know why, maybe i am getting old and as the time passes, the need to think about future and building a family is becoming more and more apparent. but seriously, if the family that i am about to have is just like how i have dreamed them, i dont want any.

the plot are always twisted. dangerous liaisons, affairs, fights, problematic children, problematic spouse.. the only good part is they are all beautiful. hehe, i guess it is true when people say beauty comes with a price. whatever it is, for now, i am just going to think these thoughts as my irrational conscience trying to worry me for no reason.. huhu..

*childishly adult*

of rain and umbrella..

i am stingy. there, i have made my confession. no, this is true. i am so stingy, sometimes i wish money falls from the sky or better, i have the power where every time i shop, i dont need to pay, instead people pay me. what? talk about crazy talk. anyway, the weather lately has been unforgiving. the rain, i mean how many water vapour has been turned into droplets in these months? the amount of rain is just insane! but, being the stingy me, buying an umbrella was never an option. until that one rainy day. it cannot be fine since it rained and i spent money!

went out with a friend of mine to get him something. well, it was for his class but that is not the focus here. the focus here is the outing. went to a mall to visit the party shop that may have it. and nope, they dont. okie. sad one over there. then, things got worse. rain started to fall. okie, major downpour actually. i was like what?? why must it rain like this? i should not have agreed to go out.. but if not, i will be at home, moping.. whatever. we needed to make a move. no other option. WE MUST BUY UMBRELLAS. BUY. not really my favorite word. huhu, but desperate time calls for desperate spending. i bought myself an umbrella and to be honest, it hurts till now. haha, im exaggerating..

*umbrella*

double digit..

it has been a while since i last wrote anything up here in this blog. i think it is time to clean all the dust gathered and come up with a new story. anything interesting that has happened lately? hmm.. what about my birthday? yeah, that will be something i can talk about.. and the off i took with my own liberty from the faculty because i just dont want to go to class? yeah, that one too.. here how they go..

my birthday. it falls on 14th november every year. as i am no longer a child, i dont really care about it anymore. it is just reminding me that i am getting older. not like that is actually a bad thing but you know people and their reservation about getting old. anyway, this year, i decided to hide my birthday from notifying anyone on FB since i dont want to mess up my wall. what? those happy birthday wishes is sweet, if you really mean it. not just because your notification reminds you. i cherish genuineness. yes. so, those who wished me, seriously, you guys are so sweet and i could get diabetes from loving all of you!back to the story, i had a class on that monday, the 11th November so i attended it and i was contemplating whether should i go since two holidays were just around the corner. then i received a phone call from my sis and my mum asking me about my homecoming. i told them about the workload, they told me about the pavlova. i chose pavlova over work. please, was it even a dilemma? so, i decided to get back. and yeah, celebrated my birthday there.. seriously, the celebration was small and only family members were involved but that is the kind of birthday i want. a real meaningful one. i know i am sentimental. do not judge me!

then, i was planning my return here when suddenly there was a plan to visit a theme park. girl, it would be stupid of me to shove that away for a class or two! haha, i am that carefree. plus, i have not missed that class and it is silly if i dont do that for i have the opportunity. so, i went there. a water theme park. played a lot there. played in the tubes. almost drowned myself. took a bad picture of myself. haha. that is somehow all. then, received a phone call from a friend. the news was, no class for the next two days. Boy, i did not see it coming but i was accepting it with open hands. yeah, more break for me. well not really. let me tell you why..

got back home. i needed to make a thousand cupcakes. yes, a thousand. and i have only one oven. imagine the time taken. seriously, my love for cupcakes was put to a test when i can no longer see one and not feel terrified. yeah, the experience was traumatizing, i need counseling and rehab. well, celebrity ones since i can always run away later. haha

so, that is about all i can talk about myself for now. oh, about the title, that's my age. 22.. double digit.. :P

*another year sets in*

my pavlova. isn't it nice. made by my sis..

The Shower

Surprisingly, the shower is the place where most of decisions were done. I wonder why? Is it because of the water, streaming down the faucet, all the way down to your head somehow gives you a clearer view of your life events and the consequences? Does the water somehow help ease your mind and make you see there is more than just the main picture? Is it the notion that you could die drowning from under the water make your mind sharper? (Wait, can you die of drowning under running water?) Or is it because it is the time when our body and mind is cleanest and we are free from the dirty aspects of the world? Whatever the answer is, I believe that water does have healing effects and it has helped a lot of people. Decisions decide the path of your life, or to put the pun in, the stream that you will row in for the rest of your life. So, I think it is necessary to make the most sensible decisions based on your principles. However, it is not bad for you to make mistakes, as long as an escape plan is available. Mistakes are the best teacher but never get drowned by it. Swim through the entire obstacle and take the air above the surface to find out what life is all about.

*blup blup*