making decisions.. i hate it,.. because im indecisive..

i need to chose my subject early for next semester, early as in now. this means decision need to be made now and i cannot make up my mind since i have a lot to consider. to learn something simple and factual and ensures me success but sure to be a dread later or something that i might like, but GREAT chance of stumbling along the way, since it is a creative subjects and being a straight minded person, it is a liability.. seriously, im looking for any avenue right now to ask for help or advice in making this choice.. as it concerns my future.. i need to make the right choice and not to regret it later..

then, choice in life, i been denying every single person that come to my life for all the weird reason. i have no idea why but i just do it. maybe it is my choice to be single all the way. yet, my heart says differently. it needs company. and it makes me go for those whom i know i will never git in a million years. my heart and mind contradicts each other. how could two system in one body contradicts?? lame..

*Confused*

disappointed.. since you are not who i thought you were..

in life, when we see someone, we tend to have some expectation on that person. it can be low and it can be high. some are just too high and reach the level of absurdly unreachable. thus is what has happened to me and a friend this lately. we put a high expectation on a person that we see together and hope that the person is someone else. when we found out the truth about the person, i could say, we were demotivated to know more about the person. damn...

okie, the first impression that i have on the person is the person is the geeky dorkish person who knows nothing about life and have no idea how hot he is. this is from the result of my observation through his choice of outfits and all, he appeals to those attributes. and through a social networking website, i got to know more about him. how i was wrong. he is so not who i though he was. he is just the usual boy that could be everyone and he possess the knowledge of his good looks. damn. and the way he interacts to other is no different than any other usual boys with attitude. huhu, heart broken here..

so, moral of the story, some people may not appeal to what they are showing. they could be an angel outside, but deep inside there are just no difference than any vampire that lurks in the night, looking for its victim with its charming attitude..

*ermmm*

back in my hometown.. for sis's engagement.. and more stories..

so, this weekends i am spending my weekends in Penang, my hometown.. unfortunately, it is not the island, but the mainland.. i dont really like it here.. maybe because im just not into mainland as i was born on the island.. no offense people, im just stating my opinion.. but still, it is fun.. i have had nice food here.. as compared to SA.. penang is so much better.. but still, i want to go to the island.. it is where i belong..

oh, the main reason for my coming home was m sis's engagement.. it is over by the time im writing this.. a lot has happened actually.. including a big disaster where my sis's engagement rings.. yes rings, all 3 of them were stolen on the night we came back.. it was really bad.. although we were able to find replacements at such a short notice, but the feeling is just not the same as the previous rings were chosen by my soon to be bro in law himself, not my sis.. hmm, cant say more about it.. just hope the thief dies from overdose of drugs.. or got hit by a bus.. or worst, killed and eaten by stray dogs.. he deserves every single bit of it.. but, what i could say about the event is that it went well, mostly on time.. in fact, at some point, they were ahead of time ( the guy's family that is).. thanks to everyone who has helped us to run this event.. your help is highly appreciated..

one nice thing that happened to me, personally is concerning my crush.. i found out the real name and a bit of background on my crush.. damn.. same school as my previous crush.. haha.. those from that school are hot.. random facts.. and the name is just way too classic for me to utter.. hmm.. OMG, and for the first time ever i become so bold and put out my actually feelings in my comment to my crush.. i dunno what is the reaction yet.. i hope its good.. i want it to be special.. maybe more than friends but less than partner.. since the person wont be here for long.. i hate to shatter my heart again.. but still, i did not put high hopes.. since i realised my situation.. hmm.. want you so bad but dont want to be yours..

i think im changing.. im not the person who i used to be.. im slowly getting rid of my old image to build the new me.. the more acceptable me.. i realised i have chosen the wrong path in life and it is about time i go back the right way.. huhu.. people help me okie.. dont make me go the wrong way again.. and help build the new me.. help me be normal.. please people.. treat me right..

*mixed feelings*

I don’t know why..

Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder.. is my face the kind of face which looked for trouble.. the face where people would hate.. the face that people would think” he doesn’t deserve everything that he achieved”.. the face of envy.. the face of hate.. the face which say “I’m ready to be hate, hate on me haters”.. and more negative image I could think.. I don’t know where did I do wrong.. but people just hate me.. people think it is cool to see me punished by others.. all faults are my faults in their view.. why?? I never did harm your lives, stop disturbing me.. don’t make me your avenue of hate.. I’m a human being too.. I could get hurt.. although I am mostly heartless..

The only people I could rely on are my best buddies… they are the one who accepted me for who I am.. but even them are getting less.. most choose to avoid me at one level.. I don’t get it why.. maybe I hurt them due to my bluntness?? I am sorry but that is just who I am.. at least I am being real and honest with you guys then being total hypocrite like to those whom I despise but I can’t bear hate.. I hate being hated.. I want to be liked.. even by those whom I dislike..

Seriously, I don’t know what else to do.. maybe I will just continue being hated by people.. well, if that is what they choose to do, I will let them do it.. I am in no authority to stop anything.. hate on me haters.. eventhough the whole world goes against me.. I’ll stand by my side..

*Hmmmm*

what has been going on..

hmm.. could not find inspiration to write lately.. maybe im too occupied by stuffs which i could not explain.. but that is not the main idea here.. i want to share some things that has happened in my life..

among them is watching time traveler's wife.. okie, watched this movie before at the cinema.. and i cried.. huhu *ashamed*.. and i thought to myself.. maybe i wont cry again the next time.. guess what? i was wrong.. i cried again.. and this time when everyone could see it.. well, i watched in my room with my roommates hanging around.. luckily we played by the rule of nobody cares for each other.. so, they just let me.. huhu.. that movie.. it is just too painful to watch.. the sadness that the girl feels, the disappointment in both their eyes everytime it happens.. it was just unbearable.. i just need to burst out everytime i watch it..

then, recently i heard news about a friend of mine who had found someone new.. okie, maybe i will feel happy for him.. but what is more is that i will feel bad about myself.. i realised i have been single for quite sometime now and seeing others with partners makes me look in the mirror and start pointing out my flaws.. and i turned negative.. i start having evil plan about things and stuffs.. huhu.. maybe karma is playing with me.. yes, i admit i have been bad before.. but im good now.. or sort.. haha

*envious and bursting out*

look or personality?.. which is your choice?

okie, to day suddenly i got an urge to write about this.. this is because i have been noticing the changes that i am going through right now.. back then, people always know me for being the boy who care less about the personality or behaviour of the partner as the main importance was placed on the look.. i admit that my pass relationship mostly consist of good looking people with serious behaviour problem.. narcissist, casual sex offender (although i never bow down to the person's needs, euw..), over jealousy, cheaters, bad mouth and professional swearer just to name a few bad behavioural problems.. but i stand by them because of their good looks and their head turning capability.. haha, i love trophies..

but currently, i start to look beneath the skin.. what is in their heart.. the personality appeals more to me lately.. okie, that was very sudden okie.. i did not see it coming at all.. all i know, i start liking people based on their behaviour, personality and charisma.. whatta?? this is so not me.. and seriously, the new people that i fond are mostly what people would say.. that is so common or are you sure you want that person?.. weird okie..

maybe because i had enough with people with good looks but poor character, better to find acceptable look with nice character.. maybe this time my heart wont be shattered into a million pieces anymore.. i hope..

*liking it*

work in progress..

since the absence of things to do.. things here refer to FUN things.. i have recently committed myself to something i would never thought i would voluntarily agree to do.. that is doing assignment early.. WHATTA?? this is so not me.. i am the last minute ind of guy.. who care less about work and more about lives.. let it be mine or others.. well, im a gossip monger.. you can blame me.. hehe :)

with that, now i could say that most of my wok is in progress.. before this they are mostly kept in idle mode.. whether i am just too lazy to do so.. or i have totally forgotten it.. okie.. this is quite a good sign for me.. haha.. im proud.. *smirk on my face*

but, alongside this good improvement, i somehow accidentally revived some of my depression back then.. i am capable of having a mood swing anytime and i must say.. i look moody most of the time.. moody as Mad-Eye Moody.. but instead of the cranky kind of moody.. which i am famous for.. i become silent and distant from others.. that explains the eating alone in the room and hardly message nor call anyone.. but i dont think this going to say for long.. maybe it is just temporary.. well, it is just me.. the weird and crazy Sai.. who change according to his desire.. but for now, let me stay emo will ya..

*in progress*