I'm a fool for you.. And because of you..

All you had to do was made me remember how it was like to love you. How it made me feel. How we were together. You caught me off guard. I was at my weakest because of you and you lured me back into something you call a relationship. I agreed to the whole idea, because it was yours and maybe this time, you would be different. A person can dream eh? Well, the thing about dream is it doesn't always come true.

I've been single for way too long to remember what it feels like to have someone has my back, supports me, always be there for me. Somehow, when I agreed into this, these were parts of the expectations I had. I really hoped for these. Guess it wasn't true to you. For you, it'smore about the convenient of returning to the things you know, or you think you still know and in this case, the thing is me. You thought of me as a place that you could hang around and be all comfortable, like what we had almost 9 years ago.. People change.. I changed.. You changed.. We are no longer that 16 year olds.. We are basically strangers who knows each others' name and not more than that. How unfortunate for us to learn it this way.

The thing is, you're not alone when it comes to the convenient part. To tell you the truth, I am into it as well. I thought "well, now we can skip the part where I get to know you and just be in a relationship and continue from where we were before". But I forgot one major information, we hit the end of the road the last time. There's no continuing to that. Basically, we have to start over. 16 and 25 are 9 years apart and we've grown into different person in these years. We both forgot about this and now I feel like a fool. Because of you and for you.

To be honest, I don't know what I want from all these. Do I want this to be real? I am not even sure about it. The way you act doesn't help either. It's tiring being the only one trying when we all know it takes two to tango. Just.. Ugh.. I'm such a fool..

P/s: so sorry. I just have to write this down. This has been bothering me and I have no other outlet to say it except here. Yeah, despite saying I am a different person now that I am older, I'm almost 25 now!, deep inside, I can still find the trace of my younger self..

I did that..

Woke up from a nap, feeling nostalgic. I reminisced the life I had and the people that were in it. One particular person stood out more than the rest. Because that person was my friend, to a certain level, a best friend. But things went sour quite fast. The blame was always on him but I now realised, it takes two to kill a relationship.

How could two friends ended up constantly stabbing each other? I couldn't recall the beginning but I remember how it ended.the thing is, matters of the heart is complicated and when you mess with one's love, you might create a monster. That's what I did. I created the person who wanted to destroy me. I retaliated badly as well. I fought fire with fire. A move qrongly chose.

Whatever it was, it's now a part of my past. The past I parted ways with years ago. Only I woke up feeling nostalgic and the memory hit me like a gentle slap on the cheek, waking me up from the delusion I had about it for years.

Another jump..

After months of wait, the result is finally out. I am on the path of being in a job I thought of when I signed up for my university studies. In a way, I am glad but at the same time, nervous as I have strayed away from that path for quite some time. But I believe in starting anew,especially in things that you know you can learn to love it. So, it's time to part ways with doubts and accept all positivity.

Anyway, I remember promising to myself a few years ago that I will not job hop in my post uni life. Lol, look at what life has made me do so far? Haha how clueless I was. However, this time around, I hope this will be one of my last transitions in terms of career though I know I will face a lot more in the future. Well, the least I hope for is my next transitions will be along the same path. No more straying away. I have strayed away from comfort for way too long, it's time to return, although it may be brief.

One thing that I hope in this new place is to be the best me. The best I can be. A person I can be proud of and contented with. Leaving a legacy may sound farfetched but I believe if I work really hard, it's achievable. You know, the satisfaction of looking at a success and say "I did that". Yeah, that's what I am looking for. One can always dream right? Haha

Okie, that's all for now. Wish me all the best in my latest endeavour. Till next time.
P/s: this was written on paper prior publishing. My handwriting sucks.. Hahaha

the one that got away..

Hello blogosphere. It has been a while since I was last here. Hope I still have my readers. If some of you have departed, you are greatly missed. Hahaha as if I have that many reader. Anyway, nothing much has happened in my life lately. Except from exasperation from the uncertainties of my job, my life has actually been very bland, with little or minor conflict or drama happening.

Anyway, just got inspired to write when I was listening to Katy Perry's The One that Got Away, the acoustic version. Behind those beats, she actually wrote something very close and personal to the heart. Because of that, I was reminded of those who got away from me. One particularly..

Hmm, to write about it is difficult since what happened was very weird. We were friends, I helped you, things got weird, we drifted apart.. Though I don't think we'll stay for long if we were together hahaha

someone new..

i wish these words are for me but nope, it says about someone else. someone who was dear to me. someone i called my own. but that was all in the past. i must move on. time waits for no one and i am certainly not someone worth waiting for. well, the thing is the new person is not someone to call a partner, it is a child. the person's child. yup, the person is now a parent and to be honest, i am happy to know that, truly. from what i know, the baby is a boy. i hope he will grow strong and handsome. more emphasis on handsome.. hahahaha

the thing is , upon hearing you now have a baby, i realised that being a parent is a feeling that you'll never know if we were still together. you know it's impossible for us to have one even if we really want it. it would be taking away one of the world's greatest graces if you stayed. i am happy to know that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. it helps lessen the pain. hahahaha i am such a sucker for pain..

the thing is, i hope to feel what you feel now someday. i hope i will be able to open my heart to accept someone new in the future. yeah, i am at the stage of not wanting to feel the hurt again hence shutting down every possibility. i hope i will learn what is love all over again.

looking through the glass dome..

this is definitely my current situation at the work place. yeah, it has only been two working days but i have started feeling awkward about the whole thing. the thing is, the job doesn't allow me to be myself. i have to put on an act to fit within the group. they're are just polar opposite of what i am. it's not that they're not nice people, they are, but it's me. i am too weird to function normally in structured organisation. but i am willing to give this more time as i believe that time can be a good remedy to many awkward situations, this is just one of them.

anyway, a more fitting job for me is actually within the same office area but totally beyond reach. it's totally like living in a glass dome, where you can see the things you know you will do just fine, but you cannot reach it because that's not for you according to the order of nature. it sucks to be honest to see a place you know you will feel at home and a place you belong but it's not going to happen. but i won't be staying there for long because that's not my base office so the torment won't be for long.. i hope. in the mean time, i am learning to love my job. it will take some time.. please, all i need is 5 years.. then i'll take on a different journey..

it begins.. a new phase at a new place..

so, i finally began my work today. what can i say about it? well, for once, there were more than 3 people in the office. yeay to humans! so many humans! humans i can interact to when i am stuck! humans! hahahaha. well, the day began slowly, like major slow. i sat for a good one hour doing nothing, just listening and observing around. then, i was asked to do some work! yeay! something to do. ding ding, i have a presentation this wednesday right after the one day off. wow, talk about things escalated quickly.

anyway, how did i spend the day in the office? rummaging the boxes looking for parts to build robots. yup, i spend a good 3 hours to build a goddamn easy robot. i finally found out that they are in the process of moving to a new place hence the chaos. okie, pardoned. so that's it. that's how it went. everybody seems laid back and nice. i hope that's true though. i don't need another traumatic experience. then, it will be official that i need to open my own business so that i can do things my way. lol, as if i have the financial strength. god willing, in 5 more years.. hahahaha