i think i lost it..

i used to be good. i used to be the target of competition. i used to be hated and envied due to my performance. i used to be able to elaborate my ideas clearly to others and speak my mind. i used to be able to generate a lot of ideas. i used to be confident. i used to love attention. i used to be outspoken and loud and say what i want to say and state my stand. i used to be good in a lot of stuff. i used to be good.

now, i choke during presentation. i stumble while talking to people. i have thousand slips of the tongue. i self-doubt a lot. i seriously turn shy. i am no longer fun to be with. i am at blur most of the time. i am a nobody now. seriously, i am nobody now.

seriously, i am disappointed with myself. what has happened to me in this few years. i thought being older means wiser, but why am i deteriorating? i feel dumb. i do not like this feeling. i feel helpless and i cant think of anything to help myself. sometimes, when i see people who used to be of lower level progress, i feel sad for myself as i has regressed. seriously, i feel down right now. i want to be that smart, being envied person again. not just some big-fat-not-good looking-low self-esteem-bimbo that happened to exist in the midst of people. i dont want to be a has been. i want to be the it person.

*down*