i wear a mask everyday..

most of the people who have see me face to face in the real life just cannot believe that i am the one who write this blog. why? because i contradict from this blog tremendously. in this blog, i am someone who is extremely emotional, have great sense of not belonging anywhere and have a dark and negative thoughts about life. however, outside of this context, i am a bubbly, cheerful and up to some extend, a clown and crazy. well, all i can say about this contradiction is that i write my blog when i am down. which is like everyday. and when i am in real life, meeting real people and friends, i treat it as an escapism firm my life which i feel like a miserable piece of crap. so, i try my best to be happy everyday because sadness and negativity have been embedded to me like very closely. i could say that the happiness is the mask i wear everyday. what? you think it is okie to live in negativity everyday? nope, not at all. imagine breaking down everyday for no reason. suddenly, you feel like bursting with emotion and tears. it is no way healthy. but i cannot say anything. i had depression before and somehow i think it is relapsing. OMG, please pray for it not to happen. people say happiness and sadness is the choice you can make in your life, well, i dont think i really have a choice right now. everything bothers me and i hardly share anything with my friends.. huhu

*nega*