I think too much..

My mental state at the current moment is on the edge of sanity. Somehow I am currently facing with one of the biggest stress I have ever felt in my life to date. To be honest, I have a lot on my mind but I just do not have anywhere to pour all the things out. I even got a sense that my depression is relapsing. Breaking down is becoming a regular. Seriously, I am scared. I am barely 21 and I have a lot to think and am toying with my mental health.

I got a lot of issues. But one major issue is covetousness or envy. Yes, I am full of envy in my heart. Ironic much huh? I always hear people coming to me and say that they envy me in some aspects but not to their knowledge, I am envious as well. Targets of envy? A lot actually. Mostly because of their lives. Especially those who have nothing to be worried and just destroy their lives or just live happily. Yes, my life is not happy, in my point of view at least. I want to be happy but I just cannot tell the lie to myself that I can be happy. Somehow, this time I let myself dwell in my sorrows. Sad. I know, even I feel the same.

I have so many wants, but all to never be fulfilled since I know I have to sacrifice a lot for others happiness. Let me be the one worrying while others sleep silently. Let me be the one bearing all the pain and hurt and others live happily. Let me support myself while they used up my part and denied me mine. Seriously, I am wallowing in self- pity most of the time. Poor Me. Stupid Me. Ambitious Me. Not-Worthy Me. I am sick!

Other issue would be my appearance. Yeah I hate it. I am fat and ugly and I need to look at that being every single day in the mirror. I try to avoid looking but I am just too conscious to not look in the mirror. I try to coax myself by saying there are other form of beauty and I am in one of it but sorry, I am too one- dimensional. Tried every single trick in the sick- ways- on- how- to –lose- your- weight book but to no avail. I am somehow thinking that maybe I am going to be ugly till the end of my life. Damn it.

Friends are another issue. I wonder why they repel from me. No, walk away from me. What happen to friendship? What? The ship sunk? I only have a few friends now. Those who are really care about my well -being and existence. Others, who use to claim me as their friends just decided to ditch in me in their life. Thanks so much for jumping aboard in the ship for a while and left some memories. Now, I need some time to erase all that. ‘Thank you’ so much! It hurts so much when the one who use to hang around with you decided that you are no longer in the list. Not even in the bottom of the list. Now they treat you worst than unknown stranger. Whatever it is, I hope I can keep the one I am having right now. They feel real and I hope they are.

Has been. This phrase has been haunting me for quite sometime now. It is the definition of what I feel about myself. A has been. I used to live on the other side of the coin where the live was beautiful and you are the main attention. But, that life is no more and now you are nothing. An analogy to a pebble by the roadside. No one cares about you and no one sees you. You are invisible. Light does not shine on you anymore.

I need help, counseling? I am training to be one. Ironic huh? A counselor –to- be but not being able to bear personal problems. I do not know what I need. At times, the thoughts of suicide make a visit and for quite a number of times, I let it stay. I know I should not, it is wrong in every sense. Luckily I still have my senses although at most time they are numb. Gosh, I need to sort these issues up because it used to not bother my studies but now it is. Damn it.

*Telling the world my problems is showing them how horrible and lame I am*