love on borrowed time..

it was a relationship that was never meant to last. we both knew that it will come to an end soon because this was not what we set our mind and life to. so, every moment was a moment to cherish. a moment to be kept as a part of the larger chunk of memory because everything ends and this would be all that we have.

we settled our arguments, never left it hanging. we sometimes slept angry, because not all things can be resolved in just mere hours. some things may take days, or even weeks, to settle, but it must be settled, our time was borrowed, it would be soon before it would be taken away and separating with an unfinished argument could haunt you. severely. our time was too short for anger to reside.

though our time was short, it didn't mean that everyday was about making moment, aka the big thing. most of the time, we were just learning how to coexist and live with each other and accepting, as well as compromising, flaws and inadequacy. all those little gestures, made deliberately or accidentally, were imprinted into the memory. the things that reminded us, we were once deeply in love and we had our time together. with that said, it didn't mean that the big thing were of less importance, they were not. in fact, they were reminders to us of what we could do for someone because we love them. in conclusion, the little things reminded us of how was the life and the big things reminded us of how out of life was some experience we have had together and these two things will shape the future us, regardless if we allow them to do it or not. it's nature.

i am happy i was given the chance to know love with you. yeah, we were unconventional, even wrong in most places but we made each other felt like we were at the right place, at the right time and that was all that matters. again, we both knew our time would not be long because we both planned it differently. however, the love was real and it was all that matters. never regret with whom you fell in love with because only you understand and you owe no one any explanation.

Moving back into the family home..

I have lived a life on my own for the past six years. Six years of being able to support myself. Six years of so called independence. I loved it, very much. I am free to do things on my own, set my own schedule, be my own self. I always thought that this streak will go on till the end of my days. Fact, I quit my job early last November and till now, I am unable to land a new one. My decision was rushed but it was well thought. Well, not so much since I decided to bail out without a plan. I thought my credentials could land me a job easily. How wrong, stupid and naïve I was. So, here I am now, a financially crippled adult man in this material world. I am in a career comatose.

Like many adults who find it too difficult to live on their own, one option we all have though it’s hard to take is to move back in with your family. Why do I say it is hard, well, I put up a show when I lived with my family for the first 18 years of my life. I was unable to be myself and I even faced severe depression when I was in my late teen years due to identity issues and guess what? I masked them all so well until till this day, none of them knew what I was facing and who I really am. I am just not that connected to my family, despite being in a close knitted family. It’s not them, it’s me. So, upon facing this situation, after seeing how the money in my saving account dwindling down as day goes by, I decided to take this big step backwards. Packed my stuff and here I am, in my old room.

The thing is, this action speaks a lot to me. At times, it screams “you're a failure who fails to launch!” and “pfft, so much for building success in early age”. Then, the sense of losing my privacy. I use to live like a solitary person. I choose when to speak and I spend most of my time on the net and less with the real world. I am not afraid of offending anyone because they aren’t family. However, here, I need to interact constantly to not offend them and also to avoid questions. Questions about why am I like this. I have no answer to that, that’s just me. I am a person who has major anxiety issues when it comes to interaction. This is bad for me.. and them as well..

But here I am, too late to say anything. I am constantly hoping to find a job nearby so that I can move on with my life and also maintain communication with them. Just a way that I can fix myself to be a better family person. But luck and opportunity haven’t been on my side now. I shall just wait..

P/s: not having high speed internet is killing me!!

back to hunting..

so, the one month notice is in and i am back on the market yaww. well, not really a good news when the fact is i decided to quit with no back up plan. i just have to. to keep my sanity. i am done with the chaos or the no management that i am forced to face everyday. anyways. finding job, i already knew it, is no easy thing. got called by a few places, went for interviews. rejected one.. waiting for a suitable one to walk in. haish.. so many things to consider about in so little time. kinda happy that its a month notice and not 24 hours.. at least i can sustain for another month. yeah.. sustaining, that's the mission of life at the moment. pfft, what have i become??

anyway, read about scholarship opportunity on the way of becoming the thing that i want, an educator, researcher and developer. hmm, interested of course. must prepare myself up for the whole application then. my principle is, i wont continue my studies if it is going to be my parents money but if it's on a scholarship, i'm all in baby!! so, yeah.. but that is plan B. for now, plan A, work! please good opportunities, do knock on my door..

Writing it..

So, this will be my first time writing a resignation letter. Yes, you heard me right, i am resigning. After months of torture and dissatisfaction, well, mostly from my part, i have decided to let the job go. The job is not all bad, it's just not suitable with me. I guess that is one cookie that my cutter cannot cut through.

Anyway, i have no idea how should i start it. Like, should i be all apologetic or should i be all natural about it? Well, i guess for them it is quite common for someone to leave the company since i am not in the first batch of people they hire. I was actually like the second or third batch. Yes, batch because i remember getting into the company being the only employee. Guess it says something.

So now, the job hunt begins. Must find a new one to support my life because i have a lot of things that i need to pay. Yeah, luxury of life.. Pfft.. Haha. I really hope I'll find something that I'll be happy doing. Pray for my success!

Finally! A long weekend!

You know what sucks?? Working on public holiday with normal wages. That's the situation I had last Merdeka. Yeah, Merdeka much when you're bound by your job. Fortunately, we were given replacement day off until Wednesday which means it's an elongated weekend for me. What to do? What else! Balik kampung! Yass! The last time I when back there was the last Hari Raya and that was brief due to the need to attend a wedding of the bosses. So, this time around, I am back with no strings attached.. Or sort..

Can't wait for all the food! And also all the outing to familiar places! Just the sea is a pleasure on its own! How grateful I am to live on an island. Haha, I sound like someone who hasn't come back for years! So ovah!!

But, I need to finish the talk that I am writing before the office opens.. Haish, the worst is the topic is so not up my alley at all.. Damn.. Now I'm questioning my decision.. Pfft, who cares! Vacay!

Peeps, get yo shizz togetha hunneh!

This is a work related rants. Just be informed of that! So, proceed with the notion that this is a mad person writing. Though curses and profanity shall not happen cuz lady got class but hunny, i shall be wailing!

So, ya know, I've worked at this "learning" centre for about four months now and let me get to it, it's cray cray! Why the quotation mark? Well, they don't really get the idea that a learning centre is about education! About teaching the mind! Not just really making sales! Like hunny, i know i learned how to be a teacher but to be the only one running all classes? Plus developing all the way from syllabus to assessment to material to everything about the company? You mad bruh?? Did you guys miss the notice that i am a human, of the same make up as you guys?! If you guys can do it all alone, how can i? Gurl, i work based on what my brain can capacitate, not create miracles from puking rainbows! Well, if i used all 100% of my brain capacity then yeah, vomit rainbow is a thing (Lucy movie reference). Till then, i need help! And I'm not supposed to find my own help because I'm pretty sure that's not a part of my job! There's no point working in a company when the running is done by just a person! And it's not even mine to begin with! I can just get the hella out from there and leave you guys just like that! No ragrets! (The typo is intentional, am not mentally challenged, just mad).

Lately, I've been giving them attitude. I hope they see it as a sign that I am sick and tired of their irresponsibility. I am just staying there still because a) I need money to keep living and b) I want to finish that work I've had done and put my stamp on it, i hate leaving job undone and c) if i go too soon, it will look bad on my resume on the loyalty factor. To be honest, you guys killed the person inside of me! Never have i been more jaded than this.

Okie, end of rant!

is this really something that I want?

So, I landed on a job after months of unemployment. To be honest, I was damned excited to get that after just one interview. Little that I know that they were in desperation and needed all the help they could get their hands on.

I took this job because of the future I see in it. I have always wanted to write syllabus. Yes, what a weird ambition but it's mine and I'm proud of it. Little that I know that I will be working all by myself. Yes, one man runs everything! Heck, that's not even logical! You cannot expect me to do everything! As the song goes, I am only Human!

So, here's the thing. To run away this quickly is evil I'd say. So, I shall just bear the pain and hope for some day where the sun will shine on me again.. I really hope that day will come because I don't know how long do I have before my sanity becomes a question instead of a statement..

Cocooned life..

I am currently in a cocoon. I am no longer a student, a boy, but I am unable to establish myself as a man, a person in a working world. I am now somehow in a transition stage. A transition in which I dislike as when I have time, my brain will overwork. It will start imagining things that are not real and putting scary thoughts regarding prospect of future in my mind. Due to this, I somehow foresee my future to be bleak at the moment. I just hope this phase of darkness will pass by me.

In this cocoon, I am given a restricted freedom. A freedom dreamed by a man, achieved by a boy. I am now allowed to make decision, only by the permission of others. I am free to roam free, only to announce my departure and arrival and answer questions. I am responsible for things thrown to me. I am made to feel like a man with eyes looking at me as if I am still a boy. Yup, a restricted freedom.

In this cocoon, I think of what I could become and what I might become. I know my potential (I think) but will I work it to the fullest? Whose expectations will be met, mine or others? Do I chase dream or stability? What is stability? Will my body and soul be one all the time or will they separate at times due to disagreement of ideals? Those are some of the fights I have, within this cocoon..

I cannot wait for the day for me to be able to finally emerge from the cocoon and be what I have decided to become. A decision that I hope I will look back with a sigh, of relief because what is life if regret were the beginning.

throwing away fragments of a dream..

since i was a kid, i have always loved drawing. once, i even thought of making art as a way of me making a living. i shall be an artist. later in life, i developed this liking towards art through another medium, that is fashion. i see clothes as more than just something you put on yourself for the sake of decency. i see it as a way to express yourself and also a language on its own to explain who you are and what are your choices in life. due to this, i started sketching. a lot. i had a stack of sketchbooks i have collected over the years containing what i see possible to be on a human body. i kept them all as a reminder of who i am and what i want and who knows, might be. fashion had become the dream of my life.

to be honest, i never thought that this day will ever come. the day where i will throw away my dream because somebody says so. a day that i decide that the dream is no longer mine. a day that it ends. it started with the cleaning and arranging of the room. upon finishing, we realised there was not much of space left so unnecessary things will have to go. we sorted out a lot of things to be let go such as old magazines, unnecessary paperworks and all. suddenly, a person took a look at my stack of sketchbook s and said

"i don't think we need these. we should just throw them away to make space for other things."

i was silenced. i had no idea how should i stand for them. i just said those were my sketches and i would love to keep them around. the person said,

"ah, sketches, you can always do them later. buy new books and draw more. these mean nothing"

with that, and the agreement of others, those books were gone. stacked with other rubbish. yes, rubbish. that is what those sketches are to other people. however, for me, those are fragments of my dream. those are the representation of what i want to do if i have the right substance. those sketches are what i could and wanted to be. those sketches are something i can call mine.

i heart shattered into million pieces upon that answer. i know there's no salvation and there's no arguing over the decision. i just have to live with it. guess it is time for me to let things go because the truth is, life is not going to be nice to some people despite no matter how much effort they put in. they are just not mean for greatness. well, great pains are for them. people say it's a test. i say it is a cruel game and you are not even a player. you are just the object of the game and the objective is to push you to the edge. take the fall or stay at the edge. your choice, though both are just as nasty.

p/s: i heard they might get burned. how nice it is to see the ashes of what i used to savour as my escape plan..

*devastated*

starting anew, somewhere away..

comfort of the home. that is something that we really want in our life. to have a place to put ourselves in and feel at ease and secured. a place that takes you away from the hustle and bustle of the world beyond the door. for some, home means a house, while for others, it means the hometown, the whole city and for some others, their home is not where they come from, but the place they have made for themselves and feel comfortable at.

for me, i consider the home i am in right now is my home. or is it? do i associate this place to me as home because i was raised here or i sincerely feel like this place is home to me? i have yet to decide on that matter because to be honest, i have no definite answer. then, it came to me, should i build my own home? a home that was built based on my memories of the past and future and also will have all the essence of me. what if the home i am building is far from my current home? like a different country? will it be a home that i truly feel like i belong there?

the thing is, in the meantime of building the new home, where can i lay all my worries at? the home i have now will be too far away and i wont have the comfort of it easily accessed. or, will i be a vagabond, drifting from one place to another to find some comfort but never stays at just a place? home..

this is my fear talking. i know in order to move forward, i will need to face this fear and make it my friend. to be honest, i think i am ready..

Damn, do I still need to pay?

So, the government had introduced a scheme in which if you obtained a first class degree, your student loan, coming from this specific body, will be converted into a full blown scholarship. Upon hearing this sometime when I was starting my university life and a borrower from the body, I made it a mission of mine to pay with my head and not money. So, I busted my ass off most of the time to ensure that goal is achieved. Although to most, I seemed like the kind of person who gets thing given because I have the gift of the brain (at times, I also believe in this then I brush it off because I know that’s not true); the truth is I put a lot of effort in my studies in order to convert that loan to scholarship. Thanks be to God, I passed my bachelor’s degree with a first class degree. However, along the way, I stumbled upon a big hurdle in my final semester. I was not allowed to graduate on time, among my friends, due to my mini thesis. Yup, that one freaking assessment that may be the demise of my main goal since the last four years.

The thing is, I forgot to read the terms and conditions for the conversion. I did not know there is a clause for one must graduate on time in order to be eligible for the conversion and in my case, I missed on time by a semester due to my mini thesis. Upon knowing this, to be honest, I was bummed. I sat in my room for a few days, crying, or should I say, bawling! Like having your dream in your hand then it slips away because you didn’t realize there’s a puddle in front of you and now the dream is shattered to a thousand pieces with no chance of putting back together. What a bummer! My family keep on asking me to ask the corporation regarding this, but looking at their track records, they are vicious!

I have slimmed down my hopes to almost none.So now, I am slapped with a 30k worth of debt and I have yet to begin my life. Now, this is what hollow victory feels like. Empty. Nothing. Useless. Awesome, I can totally say the effort I put for 4 years has gone down the drain. Good job Sai! Just to ease my heart, I tell myself, the payment I am going to do will be for the use of my future children.. if I were to have any..

*bummed and shocked*

static and stagnant..

time goes by. people move around. time is ticking. life is passing. here i am, standing here, unmoved by anything. remain static. not moving even an inches. physically and psychologically. although scientifically, it's a different story as you say you remain on one spot on earth, according to the universe, you've moved several thousands of miles due to Earth's rotation. seriously, does that even matter to you when the centre of your universe is you? you are the sun, the planets, the stars and the forces. you decide when you remain stagnant and make yourself the victim of consequences. you decide to live like a hermit with no value in your own perspective. you have no one to blame for your state of static and stagnant but yourself. please, dive within yourself to find that drive again. life will be long as well as short, remember, time is relative. it's you who decide how it goes. in the mean time, i am just going to be a lump in the middle of somewhere..

worth nothing..

what is life when you're not living? when your sole purpose is to serve others and hide all your wants and dreams. what is life if dreams is not a part of it. so literal, so real in the reality that you share with others but not through your own set of eyes. imagination is bound by responsibility that you see right in front of you but you still cannot grasp the meaning of it. what is such a life? a drag?

your words mean nothing. your actions have no impact. your appearance goes unnoticed. your existence is unnecessary and at times, a waste of space. is that your self worth? nothingness? zero? empty? is that.. you?

you've been thinking of the future, anxiously. you've been thinking of the past, regretfully. you've been living in the present.. or are you not? one must be at peace in order to appreciate what they have at the moment, but can one achieve peace when past and future throw their burdens onto one's shoulder? let bygone be bygone and we do not know what future has in store.. is life that simple of an expression?

brain and mind. two entities, one body. one is an organ and another is a perceived concept. one may have brain but not mind but in order to have mind, the vessel, that is brain, must be there. however, more and more, the vessel is doing all the talking while the concept is keeping quiet at the back of the head. hence, mindless words and utterance were spoken. they cannot be considered as speech for they are worthless and brings no message but only harm, to the speaker as well as the receivers. to be honest, one should sit down and let the two sync with each other. then, world will be a better place.. will it?

arghh!!

It finally ends..

After 5 and a half years, I am finally able to say that everything has come to an end. Well, I am talking about my studies. Handing in that big purple hardbound copy of my mini thesis which was my final assignment ever felt like lifting off a huge burden from my shoulder. I am now free to roam the world and make my steps in the working world. I am not keen in continuing my studies, for now, but who knows what lies in the future right. As for now, I am still relaxing and digesting the fact before finally set myself on a job hunt.

It was not easy opening that shackles off my feet so I can move freely. How many sleepless nights and mental breakdowns had I gone through just to make sure I finished it. I admit, I did get jaded half way through but I persevered till the end because I needed to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I could finish something in life. To be honest, I doubted I will see this day.. But I am glad it is finally here..

*relieved*

i held on to that promise till the end..

22nd December. another date in my life that i find it hard to forget now. well, on one point it's my mum's birthday but now, it will also be your wedding anniversary. yes, on 22nd December 2013, that was the last of anything that could or might happen between us. i know i am stupid for unable to let you go despite being separated for a good 3 years, but seriously, how am i ever going to get over you easily when you had been the source of my strength for such a long time? pfft, i am such a masochist and a melancholic one.

however, i think i now realise why i remain bound to you despite that. we had that promise. the promise that we will be each other's until we truly find the one we know for us. yeah, our relationship is one heck of a weird boat and seriously, no one else should come aboard on such a ship, too rocky and constantly fighting with huge tides. but yeah, i hold on to that promise, until that day you make it official with the one you choose.

to be honest, now, i feel rather empty but one thing for sure, i feel free. i am no longer bound to you. you are now a past for me, this time for real. i am no longer carrying the burden of the past with me. i can now move on. thanks for being a part of my life and i will cherish those memories we made together, the better and the worst. treat your partner well, i know you could.

*burden lifted*

of waiting and uncertainties..

ugh, i hate waiting. it makes me anxious as heck! i hate living in uncertainties. i am a planner hence i must know everything before i make my move. however, at the moment, i am doing nothing, i am just waiting. waiting for an answer that will end my misery. ugh, how much do i want this wait to be over? everything because this answer i am waiting will be the determiner of whether my life could proceed or not. to be honest, in this span of few months, i have been put in this situation multiple times. i hate this feeling of not knowing when can i do something. it's like being crippled. ugh, please, i just want to end everything!!!

i am such a control freak huh? whatever that is not within my control makes me anxious. i should really need to learn how to calm down.. but seriously? this is a crazy time to be chilling out. i need to get things over and done with.

*losing my sanity*