beginning of the end..

as most of you have figured out, i am a uni student. currently i am in my final year and like normal final year student, i am in my internship and in the process of finishing my thesis. two things that i am not good at. however, i must pass through this just to make sure i can continue with life. i had enough of all these pressured life because i am doing something i dislike.

so, the holiday begins. yeay to everyone. however, it also marks the beginning of zombification of the whole batch due to the thesis. this sem is so cray cray, they decided to put thesis alongside internship and expect us to show up and discuss with supervisors. bitch, aint nobody got time for that. we do daily planning in our internship for that's the requirement of the field. we aint working with papers, it's people or to be exact, children and teenagers. nobody got time for thinking about elaborated essays and research when daily encounters are as vicious as gladiators battle. by the way, i have developed a health condition due to the internship. yeah, beginning of the end.. of my life!

so, will try to finish whatever i need to do in order to graduate. to be honest, i am sick and tired of this..

bitterness overload..

as bitter as coffee without any sugar and creamer. just plain black coffee with coal of butter or margarine coating the outer layer of the seed. seriously, a lot of things in my life dissatisfy me at the moment. the fact that i am doing the things that i dislike is one thing. then, i have this something that holds the future of me in its hand and i am at no capacity to fulfill it at the moment. i am still waiting for that inner me to wake up and gives me the slap of the year to get me moving. to be honest, these two things is making me feel unhealthy.

then, concerning the heart. eff for worrying too much. eff for saying that i may not be able to focus on the person. eff to the caring mind. i forgot that i might need support as well. i am not the one giving support all the time, i might receive it as well. stupid me for rejecting that love and now the person is the one that got away. well, you have spared yourself a miserable piece of bitterness from being a part of your life. be happy with that. as for me, i'll continue being like this. alone and no one to talk too.

i am seeing fake anywhere. yes, i know fake for i am fake myself at times. but seriously, you guys do realise i realise the whole situation? it is only that i choose to just play along. seriously, i reside on fake for i am not sure do i have any real in my life. yes, i am that sad and pathetic.

okie, back to reality.

*depressed*

Still not loving it..

People say that sometimes things that you do not like, if you really put your head into it, finally will get into your head and in the end, love for it will come. Well, blame me exceptional for I am still not in love with what I am doing to finish my course of study despite dwelling in it for more than half of it now. I have no idea why. Well, maybe I am just not made for it. Not the right fit. No point trying to squeeze yourself fitting into a pants too tight or too loose for you. Try to look up something sizeable to you. You will look good and feel good. Not feel bad and look bad. It is that simple. I wish what I wrote in the last sentence is true. About how easy it is to satiate a heart of a human. Please, we are creatures of desire. Most of the time, we want things not we need things. We make the wants become our needs and ended up dying of frustration. Oh, why do not you look at that? How bitter do I sound? Well, that is just me being human. Aint no angel for angels are devotees and do only what the One as them to do. I am a human of will and emotion and lust.

Tried to make the situation seems more inviting. I tend to not think much about them during the practice. But you know what? That just will not happen. I am easily affected by their behaviour despite my attempts to be nonchalant about whatever they are doing in my practice for them. Well, some do make me feel like there is a purpose to what I am doing but most just make me feel it is better for me to just be quiet and see them grow on their own aka neglecting them all together. These are the young ones. The other groups, who is older by just a mere year is a different story. They bring me emotional turmoil from their indifference about my existence. Imagine coming for them, only to be turned down right on the face. Yeah, that feeling of being rejected all over again. Aint beautiful the first time, never gonna be beautiful anytime later. Erghh, how I wish to just run away from all these and reside at a beach house and befriend the welcoming wave and sea breeze. What? Company of non-animates is sometimes better than those with emotions.

*bitter and tired*

i dont want to pursue in this..

you know what is sad about life at the moment? when you realise what have you learned for the past years is not your true passion or calling in life. the reality just hit you bad and make you feel helpless at times. seriously, now i know the meaning of follow your heart, even when the brain says another.

it is true what i learned for the past four years promises me a better future and a good job prospect. however, at the expense of what? my sanity? my life? i know i sound like an annoying bitch ranting about dissatisfaction and how the world does not function to my benefit but i just need to say it. i should have followed my dream, even though it was less stable than this.

i have always dreamed to be an artist of some sort. let it be visual or literal arts. or maybe even performing. any sort of arts will be good. art is life, at least from my point of view. well, my career interest inventory test suggested that i am an artistic person hence the reason why i only see art as my choice of career. but that 18 year old me who grew up too fast and started thinking rationally too early in life decided that i should do something that promises a future that is stable. a future in which i will have enough money to buy me things and also support the people in my family. a stable life. but what is stability without sanity, without passion in life, passion to live? yes, the younger me did not see this due to my distorted perception due to lack of experience in young age. it is true when people say, young minds make rash decision, despite how matured they think they are.

i thought what i took was something else. i love just a part of it. not the whole picture. the problem is the part that i love is very small as compared to the one that i did not expect to face. yes, i was wrong. the other part was treacherous and was nowhere near my interest. in fact, most of the time, i focused in class just to avoid sleep. now, the practicum has arrived and the other parts that i am not interested in at all is the major component of it. plus, add some more people into it, okie children to be exact. the stage in life that i dislike the most, childhood, where mind are immature and rules meant nothing. i dislike their guts. huhu. i am not meant to work with people, especially kids. i do things according to my own rules. not to accommodate others. well, i can follow a system, but not totally into the system. i am not against the rules, i play within its borders.

this is one of those moment you wish to go back in time and fix the problem. well, if this is possible, i think the world today will be a very weird place with reality changing on daily basis. but that wishful thinking cannot be stopped for i am now at my lowest low. seriously, i am just breathing, not living.

*bitter and i know it*

Secrets..

Secrets are things that you decide not to tell others about. Maybe because the thing is hurtful, embarrassing or just plain personal. The person that you told your secrets to must be someone special to earn such a trust from you. Usually, secrets involves you but at the expense of others. They will be people affected by that secret that you decide to keep to yourself.

I know this for certain for I am a victim of secrets at the moment. One’s uncertainty resulted in me being in deep trouble. Not that I want to blame the person, but the person action has made me in a very troubled situation at the moment. Let me not elaborate since it is personal. Another case of secret victimising me is I know a secret that someone has decided to keep from the knowledge of the family despite knowing how it will affect the family. I am in no power to reveal it because it does not concern me personally but the people around me. At times, I do feel like telling but it will be a breach of trust and also it is nowhere my rights to do so. I hate keeping secrets. Especially when it is not mine..

*zipping my mouth shut*

Finding a partner..

Once, a lecturer of mine asked me this question whether I have anyone at the moment. To be honest, I have no one at the moment. Since my break up 3 years ago, I found it hard to fall to another person. It is not that I am not moved on, but the fact that I am now more conscious in my search for a partner. I am no longer open for game; I am ready to settle down.

From the previous relationships, I have learnt what I want in my partner. I don’t look for perfection; I know such does not exist. I will look for someone who loves me the same way and the same amount as I am towards the person. The feeling must be mutual. Flaws, I will learn to tolerate it. Tolerance is important. I don’t plan to change the person I love into something I want because I know; changing the essence of someone will kill the person you love. Believe me, I know this for sure. In my past relationships, I did love them for what they are, not how they are. There are things that I tolerated because I treasured the relationship more than the little things that bother me. It is safe to say, I never break up due to little things, usually it is because of love faded or we found someone else during conflicting times.

So, I am now trying to open my heart again to accept someone new into it. To fill in the gap left by the one before. I hope the next one will be the last, or my last lesson.

*love is in the air*

Becoming a ghost writer..

First of all, what is a ghost writer? A ghost writer is a writer who writes stories on behalf of others, such as biography writers. Well, it has always come to me that maybe someday I will make a living from writing. Once, I wanted to become a columnist because somehow I know how to give advice but never really know how to follow one. However, I know I can never be a good columnist because of several reasons. Firstly, I don’t write that often, please you can just from the frequency I update this blog. Haha. Second, I need full information on something before I embark on the journey of writing the piece, lacking in any aspect will make me worried sick. Huhu. Last but totally not least, I am an emotional writer. I write when the mood is right. If not, no matter how hard I try, nothing will come out. So, columnist is no longer in the list of future prospect. Haha

Why ghost writer? Well, I love to be someone else for once. Listening to their stories about their lives and writing down the stories for them and in the same time, imagining what it is like to live their lives. Sometimes, life is different when you see from a different set of eyes. Your problems might be nothing to them and your success might mean nothing to some. It makes you realise life does not revolve around you only. Life is about the reality that you create but you are not the only actor, others are involved and in their mind, they are a director as well, just as you are. So, being a ghost writer will totally open up your perspectives, and also gives you a chance to be in the shoe of others, let it be too big or too small to fit you. The feeling will not last, but the memories will.

*job prospect*