waking up feeling tired..

the title is my current condition every day. i usually fall asleep at random times, ranging from as early as 10 and as late as 4 in the morning, and then wake up around 9-10 in the morning feeling exhausted. that is the routine of my life at the moment. i have no idea why but i have read somewhere it is a sign of your brain not resting while you are being asleep. well, can i blame myself for non stop thinking?

i have a lot at stake at the moment. first, i have yet to finish my first bachelor's degree and is unable to work because of it. okie, so i have this whole semester to finish the thesis but guess what? my brain is not geared up for anything academic. what is wrong with it? it used to be full of ideas. am i that jaded?? then, i realised due to this events in my life, my depression is saying hello from the far end of my mind and i am scared as the voice is getting nearer, as day goes by. people, if you have healthy mind, be grateful because depression never leaves you once it has been recognised. i hate looking at myself in the mirror. it reminded me of how a failure looks like. why? because i am now obese with double chins and unhealthy skin. plus, that face shows me something else that i cannot change about myself that i really want to not be. i hate living with the knowledge that i am doing or having the wrong feelings in my heart. i am a conformist and to not be able to conform to norms, i am hurt, by none others but myself. yeah, i know people might find i am being too hard on myself but that is how i treat myself. with hate. i am sick and i know it but to ask for help? i dont think i will since i am trained to be one but look at me.. haha, ironic.

i seriously hope this is just a phase in my life. however, this reoccurring depression is taking a toll on me. i am getting more and more paranoid and my control in terms of mood is getting more and more out of hand. i know the fact that i have yet to face the real world. my question to myself is will i survive? will i be able to live normally. will i ever find someone that can handle me and be together with me till the end? or will i die alone in all my fears and worries? seriously, my mind need to take a break and this post is one of the way i am trying to ask it to turn off.

*nuts*