My biggest anxiety

people who know me will say that i am someone who is very comfortable in my own skin. to be honest, that is partially true. i am comfortable with myself, most of the time. however, i am not sure whether that is something real or it’s a result of years of telling myself that “I am confident” until i start to believe it. the thing is, behind that very secure exterior that i project, i am insecure as heck on so many things (my looks not a part of it though - i used to be worried of it but then after some time, i realised that the sooner i accept how i look, the easier it is for me to face the world without the worry of superficial judgment), especially fitting in a group and maintaining interaction and communication. yes, i am worried about functioning in a group because that is just not something that i can do well.

those who know me will say that this is a bizarre thing for me to say but it is the truth. i am afraid of creating connection to people because i am awkward as heck. i don’t know how to carry small talk, how to share interest without sounding snobbish or like a creeper and i have this extreme anxiety to be accepted so badly. in my life prior to this, i love presenting, a very self centric action. why? because i don’t have to establish a relationship with the people who listen (or not, it’s their choice) to my presentation and the interaction made was only for that purpose only. no affection factors are included. once everything is over, we are nobody to each other and i am happy with that. so, when i jump into a new social scene and i will need to create and establish new connection, a surge of panic will overpower me. i hate introducing myself to someone and considering being their friends or in their close circle. i am bad at making new friends and adapting to the place’s culture. with this mentioned, it doesn’t mean that i don’t have any friend, i do, but i take a long time to think about investing my whole self in that relationship. yes, i am an awkward person. i know that for a long time and i cannot help myself not being one because that is just who i am.

so, with every career path, i will need to create new relationship and to be honest, i am terrified to face this. yes, i am having cold feet about the new job i have just because i will need to get to know new people. i am scared as heck of that. what if i am too weird for them? what if they don’t like my attitude? what if i cannot fit into the group? so many what ifs playing in my head. gosh, my head might just explode from all the worries. but i know i will push through. i know (i shall repeat this to myself at all time, during my waking hours, even in my sleep!)

*scared as F*

(written on 16/1/2015)