I would make a nasty Groom..

every time i am about to commit myself to something, as the day nears, i will have cold feet. this is a fact. i will overthink about the whole thing and once i am done overthinking, i will think of a way to escape the whole thing a.k.a running away. i am afraid of uncertainties and when commitment is involved, Gawd, all i want is just to be in my safety bubble. to be honest, at times i pray for the power to see my future so that i won't be stuck in this loop of fear of uncertainties. it's annoying and counter productive to a level as i spend most of my time thinking about worst case scenario and i will be so invested emotionally, to the brink of depression. yeah, emotionally, i am a wreck. why do you think i start this blog in the first place? it is my venue to see my thoughts in words so that i can assess just how crazy i sound at most time. yeah, behind that happy, cool exterior, i am such a train wreck inside. well, those who had seen my breakdown episodes would know. hahahaha

the thing is, i am afraid to start my new job at the new workplace. not only that i have social anxiety, the work is also in a field so foreign to me that i am not sure how will i fit myself into the crowd and most importantly, how will i perform in my job. i know this whole thing sounds a lot like self sabotaging but it is something that i cannot help. i am so used to certainties in my life, i plan everything before it happens, so when an opportunity knocks, out of nowhere, fear tends to get along with it. arghh! i have no idea how to shake this thing off me. i have tried meditation, exercise (yes, i volunteer to exercise, i must be in deep shit!) and make myself busy with other things but when i am all alone, it will come and haunt me, with questions! i hate questions! i love answers!

Gawd! i am terrified! i might be over reacting but i dont know how to calm down! gosh!!