i dont want to pursue in this..

you know what is sad about life at the moment? when you realise what have you learned for the past years is not your true passion or calling in life. the reality just hit you bad and make you feel helpless at times. seriously, now i know the meaning of follow your heart, even when the brain says another.

it is true what i learned for the past four years promises me a better future and a good job prospect. however, at the expense of what? my sanity? my life? i know i sound like an annoying bitch ranting about dissatisfaction and how the world does not function to my benefit but i just need to say it. i should have followed my dream, even though it was less stable than this.

i have always dreamed to be an artist of some sort. let it be visual or literal arts. or maybe even performing. any sort of arts will be good. art is life, at least from my point of view. well, my career interest inventory test suggested that i am an artistic person hence the reason why i only see art as my choice of career. but that 18 year old me who grew up too fast and started thinking rationally too early in life decided that i should do something that promises a future that is stable. a future in which i will have enough money to buy me things and also support the people in my family. a stable life. but what is stability without sanity, without passion in life, passion to live? yes, the younger me did not see this due to my distorted perception due to lack of experience in young age. it is true when people say, young minds make rash decision, despite how matured they think they are.

i thought what i took was something else. i love just a part of it. not the whole picture. the problem is the part that i love is very small as compared to the one that i did not expect to face. yes, i was wrong. the other part was treacherous and was nowhere near my interest. in fact, most of the time, i focused in class just to avoid sleep. now, the practicum has arrived and the other parts that i am not interested in at all is the major component of it. plus, add some more people into it, okie children to be exact. the stage in life that i dislike the most, childhood, where mind are immature and rules meant nothing. i dislike their guts. huhu. i am not meant to work with people, especially kids. i do things according to my own rules. not to accommodate others. well, i can follow a system, but not totally into the system. i am not against the rules, i play within its borders.

this is one of those moment you wish to go back in time and fix the problem. well, if this is possible, i think the world today will be a very weird place with reality changing on daily basis. but that wishful thinking cannot be stopped for i am now at my lowest low. seriously, i am just breathing, not living.

*bitter and i know it*