Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Being attacked..

This past few weeks have been hard on me. I felt like I was being attacked mercilessly by the people around me. Everyone expects something from me and I don't even know if I can cater to their expectations. It was difficult and to be honest, until now, my mind is racing, thinking of possible ways and direction the next attack will come. People are getting to see the vulnerable and weakerside of me, the side I always keep hidden from most people most of the time.

From all these experiences, I learn some new things about myself. I realise that my "I don't care about what is being thrown at me" face is so damn strong.. Nobody realises the person inside of me was already crumbling for weeks before it started showing signs two weeks ago. The whole time, everybody thought I was doing fine when in fact, I was screaming inside with agony and sadness.

The attacks are nowhere near over just yet. I must be ready for the next strike.mi am currently waking on glasses.. Shards that can harm me if I step too hard or lose my focus.. I must be aware of everything, everyone.. I am fighting a war..

Sunday, August 21, 2016

The real nature of my job..

So, I just got back from attending a course regarding my side post. Yes, I am a person with two jobs, one is the one I signed up for and the other was forced upon me. Those in my field would know what job am I talking about. Basically a babysitter. To be honest, I don't like it at first , even now, but I have grown to tolerate it. But, the course I attended today has changed the view on this job.

Apparently, it's more than just taking care of theses kids. We're expected to make them better human beings. And the expectations put on them is so damn high, it's unrealistic. It is easy for one to suggest something theoretically when one has never done the job. Looking at the list of the requirements, it's actually a whole different post, it shouldn't be something on the side of already burdening vocation. Dafuq is wrong with these people? I mean, not all humans, especially kids are capable of handling themselves well. Some of them needs constant push and the latter are the ones I'm facing..

Ugh,mint makes me hate this life I'm living even more.. Laws, when will I escape all these BS? I need to go away..

Friday, August 19, 2016

Finding my way back here

It wasn't easy going day by day, feeling jaded and uninspired. Every day feels like a drag and meeting the same people for a short amount of time is taking a toll on my social skills. I talk less and nothing excites me nowadays. It took me long and hard thinking to finally come to this solution. I need to write again just to avoid emotional build up. For your information, I am now living all by myself and adult interaction is something rare. Hence, this is my salvation to keep my mind sane and remain functional.

Life has been seriously overwhelming nowadays. I am still in the stage of figuring out things despite having been doing the same thing for a year now. I understand that learning is a life long process but one year in and still not even competent? I am not used to that. Well, maybe I am too hard on myself but I can't help it. That's how I survived being ignored or not cared about earlier. Yeah, I am my own best friend and worst enemy. To be honest, when I first got here, I thought it was my calling. I was doing something similar but it did not give me satisfaction due to other commitments that I needed to adhere. So, I thought jumping into this job will give me the satisfaction I crave. Little that I know, I felt stuck and disappointed real soon. Mostly because I'm a result person and not a process person. Let me tell you, human interaction is damn tiring and trying my patience. I don't even know why I bother trying to connect.

I remember the first thing the person said on my first day of duty. "To be good in this field, one needs to remember to be a human". Now, I get what she meant. I am not the best human or even good to begin with. Teaching others to be humans is a feat too bizarre for me. But, I have made this choice and I will have to suck it up! According to terms, I might need to serve for approximately 34 more years.. Damn! Will I live longer than that if this is the state of mind I am having just after a year. It's a point to wonder..

Let's be known that updates will come often as this is my only outlet to let everything off my chest. Till then, toodles!