Wednesday, December 24, 2014

love on borrowed time..

it was a relationship that was never meant to last. we both knew that it will come to an end soon because this was not what we set our mind and life to. so, every moment was a moment to cherish. a moment to be kept as a part of the larger chunk of memory because everything ends and this would be all that we have.

we settled our arguments, never left it hanging. we sometimes slept angry, because not all things can be resolved in just mere hours. some things may take days, or even weeks, to settle, but it must be settled, our time was borrowed, it would be soon before it would be taken away and separating with an unfinished argument could haunt you. severely. our time was too short for anger to reside.

though our time was short, it didn't mean that everyday was about making moment, aka the big thing. most of the time, we were just learning how to coexist and live with each other and accepting, as well as compromising, flaws and inadequacy. all those little gestures, made deliberately or accidentally, were imprinted into the memory. the things that reminded us, we were once deeply in love and we had our time together. with that said, it didn't mean that the big thing were of less importance, they were not. in fact, they were reminders to us of what we could do for someone because we love them. in conclusion, the little things reminded us of how was the life and the big things reminded us of how out of life was some experience we have had together and these two things will shape the future us, regardless if we allow them to do it or not. it's nature.

i am happy i was given the chance to know love with you. yeah, we were unconventional, even wrong in most places but we made each other felt like we were at the right place, at the right time and that was all that matters. again, we both knew our time would not be long because we both planned it differently. however, the love was real and it was all that matters. never regret with whom you fell in love with because only you understand and you owe no one any explanation.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Moving back into the family home..

I have lived a life on my own for the past six years. Six years of being able to support myself. Six years of so called independence. I loved it, very much. I am free to do things on my own, set my own schedule, be my own self. I always thought that this streak will go on till the end of my days. Fact, I quit my job early last November and till now, I am unable to land a new one. My decision was rushed but it was well thought. Well, not so much since I decided to bail out without a plan. I thought my credentials could land me a job easily. How wrong, stupid and naïve I was. So, here I am now, a financially crippled adult man in this material world. I am in a career comatose.

Like many adults who find it too difficult to live on their own, one option we all have though it’s hard to take is to move back in with your family. Why do I say it is hard, well, I put up a show when I lived with my family for the first 18 years of my life. I was unable to be myself and I even faced severe depression when I was in my late teen years due to identity issues and guess what? I masked them all so well until till this day, none of them knew what I was facing and who I really am. I am just not that connected to my family, despite being in a close knitted family. It’s not them, it’s me. So, upon facing this situation, after seeing how the money in my saving account dwindling down as day goes by, I decided to take this big step backwards. Packed my stuff and here I am, in my old room.

The thing is, this action speaks a lot to me. At times, it screams “you're a failure who fails to launch!” and “pfft, so much for building success in early age”. Then, the sense of losing my privacy. I use to live like a solitary person. I choose when to speak and I spend most of my time on the net and less with the real world. I am not afraid of offending anyone because they aren’t family. However, here, I need to interact constantly to not offend them and also to avoid questions. Questions about why am I like this. I have no answer to that, that’s just me. I am a person who has major anxiety issues when it comes to interaction. This is bad for me.. and them as well..

But here I am, too late to say anything. I am constantly hoping to find a job nearby so that I can move on with my life and also maintain communication with them. Just a way that I can fix myself to be a better family person. But luck and opportunity haven’t been on my side now. I shall just wait..

P/s: not having high speed internet is killing me!!