Sunday, August 29, 2010

lust is a bad thing..

okie, now i am still in the fasting month, by far i could say that i had not left any day of fasting since not eating is not a big problem for me, not shopping is a different case. i remembered back then, when i first enter university for my foundation program, i found no difficulty in managing money for food because i dont eat, once a day is enough. the money flow nowhere else but the garments retails shop of countless brands. i dont really care what is the brand as long as i like it.. okie, i think im going astray from the actual reason of writing.. i talking about lust here. this fasting month, with a lot things on sale for hari raya, curbing my lust would be a big problems. i could see signboards saying !SALE! as far as my eyes can see at the shopping mall.. and i need to shop real bad.. huhu.. i want new shoes, handbags, tshirts, pants and all because everything in my wardrobe is old and big i must say.. this is what happened when you lost a lot of weight suddenly..

then, from this lust also, i start to develop nasty thoughts. thought of how to get those stuff i want easily. when i say easily, i mean real easy.. if you know what i am saying.. hehe.. nastiness.. Sai, repent! huhu.. okie, but yeah, a lot of nasty thoughts visited me. and not being able to shop and eat make me think of particular someone even more than usual.. whatta?? i thought people say fasting curb your lust for love and you know what, but in my case, i experienced opposite effect. i am filling most of my think thinking about love. something i hardly do before. darn it, i need food to distract me, or the best distraction ever.. Shopping.. with no worries.. yeah, lust is a bad thing..

*wanna shop*

Monday, August 16, 2010

5 stages of mourning..

i got my inspiration to write this post after watching an episode of grey's Anatomy on TV last saturday.. i did not know that George O'Malley died.. anybody care to tell me?.. anyway, it was mostly about how they all were treating their grief due to the death.. and although i have no prior knowledge about the 5 stages of grief/mourning, i seem to be able to answer them correctly. however, i experience this not in death, but in breakups.. thus, breakup for me is equivalent to death..

first, the stage of denial.. yup, at first, you can never except the fact that the thing just happened to you. you will deny it with all your heart that it did not happened and everything was just a bad dream and you will wake up from it one day. you will have a lot of outburst to try denying the whole situation. but seriously people, there is no point of telling this to yourself. it has happened and you just have to accept the fact..

then, it is the anger stage. at this stage, you will always be furious. you hate everything. the situation, the person, people's advice and everything that came to you. easily said, you hate life and you just fill your days with anger. this affects not only you but also people surrounds you. i remember when i was having this moment with my first breakup and i lash my anger to everyone and i hated my ex to the limit. the thought of my ex enraged me. then, i talked bad of my ex and how i wish we never met. i was filled with anger and all i could think is killing that persson for killing my soul and self.

later, i moved to the stage of bargaining. to be honest, i hate this stage the most. this is the time i comfort myself by saying that maybe it could still be fix. this is the time where the thought of reconciliation comes. and you will say to yourself that everything will be alright and we are gonna be happy like how we used to be. yeah right.. like that will ever happen.. never..

then, the depression stage. this comes late in the process and i must say the most dreadful of all. at this time, nothing seems meaningful. you lose your sense of living. the future is bleak and dark. you can see no future but just a blank space and a wasted life ahead of you. bad thoughts will race to you and mostly are morbid thoughts. i mean serious morbidity. then, you will cry your heart out and do a lot of self harming actions. as for me, i stopped eating and socialising. this stage goes slowly and as long as you in it, you could say your sanity is on the border. some can never go beyond this stage and ended up ending their life.

finally is the acceptance. after everything is over, you could get a grip on yourself and finally say to yourself that it is okie and it is about time to move on. how blissful it is to reach that stage..

that is just what i think i should share about the 5 stage of grief.. i think most of us had or will go through this stages..

*long overdue due to lack of inspiration and connection*

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I think I have made a mistake..

Earlier this semester, I had told everyone that I don’t have the feeling and drive to start my studies. I wanted to put my study on hold since I think I need some time off and take time to find myself again. But, it is just too impossible to be done since it is considered as a waste of resources, money and time. So, I try to put myself together, gather all the pieces from my shattered self and finally went to do my studies. I had a thought in my mind that along the way I will find my will to study again and be who I used to by, a studyholic.. a person who chose studies over entertainment. But, as time goes by, I dwell deeper into the abyss of self loathing and regret. How I wish I did not attend this semester. It is just too hard for me to bear. Too many things happen right now and they do nothing but stressing this humble borrowed body of mine. I am seriously worn out from all these pressure in life. It is nothing when you have the will to do things, but when you do things involuntarily, then, everything is a dread.

Now, I just want to rest. I even had the thought of extending my studies for this semester. But I don’t think I could do that since I am almost half way through the semester. A semester of loss. I had lesson, but I did not know what had I learned. Everything flies the moment they reside in my mind. I don’t think I could do good this semester. Man, I think I have made a mistake. A big one this time. I am so dead. I so wish that I could just sleep and get adrift in it. and wake up when everything is solved..

Saturday, August 7, 2010

It's August..

i know this month will arrive, although deep in my heart i prayed for it to never come. a merry month to most, but a month of goodbye to me. farewell to someone i wish i never met and got to know because now letting go is just too difficult..

with the thought of you going away and i need to let you go paved in my mind for so long, i prepared myself for these to happen. little that i know, no matter how many or how much preparations i have made, they never prepare me for the real deal. the void that the separation will leave, a blank space flooded by tears and melancholy.

without you in sight, i am strong, bubbly and slightly motivated. however, upon your arrival, i fumble, crumble and stumble. you still take my breath away, stop the rotation of my world and close my vision and horizon, although a thousand times had i told myself, you are hell impossible.. but i am weak, i cannot resist your charm even when you are not using it, you do nothing, your presence itself is a blessing to me.. i hate effortless people, they do nothing and get and have everything.

i know i never say anything of this matter and you shall never know since talking to you was a never event in my life. how i wished for a chance to talk and express all this to you. but, it is August now, a little too late for anything.. it means goodbye.. goodbye, goodbye... Tower...