Thursday, September 30, 2010

seriously, im tired and mood-less

nowadays, everything is a drag. i am not driven to do a lot of stuff i used be to so well driven. i sleep more than usual. and i always wake up feeling nothing but extreme misery and how dreadful life has been this lately. no answer to such feeling. it just happen. i try to recall for reason. it all goes back to none other but boredom. seriously, i am bored of life. whatta? i am barely 20 and all i could think of is when is this life gonna end or at least reach a turning point.

now, nothing works. i look at my pile of work and all i could feel is numb. yes, i am terrified by the whole consequences of not finishing them up, but im too numb to be affected by it. seriously, i think if my emotion is an organism, if you slit its cheek, it wont bleed and even scream.. it is just too numb and can be safely said, dead but alive. that is my latest feeling about myself.

i need to heal myself before it is too late. i need to go for a getaway.. maybe to the countryside for a while to seriously look into myself and be who i am again. i am in too much turmoil and seriously it kills me..


Sunday, September 26, 2010

MBMB camp..

this is the name of the camp that came up at the most wrong time. i must say, i dreaded to go to it at first. mainly because i am a person who does not believe that people can put motivation in a person, the person need to put it by themselves. thus, upon hearing about the program, i have great reluctance. but, thinking of what will happen if i dont go, i went for it. seriously, i dread it.

it was off to a rocky start. the bus that was supposed to pick us up mistakenly went to the other campus. so, we were late by 2 hours due to all the waiting. seriously, everyone's heart just turned from sour to bitter by all the waiting. finally, the bus arrived and i must say, i went aboard with half a heart.

the bus moved. on the bus, i tried to sleep. but i just cant. luckily they screened Mantra in the bus, a malay horror movie which was recently out. okie, the story is sort of funny and scary at the same time. awang-awang.. haha. we make joke about the movie throughout the journey. we forgot about our reluctance for a while. finally, after a lot of laughter, we arrived at KBN Alor Gajah Melaka.

seriously, it went out just like how i expected it to be. to write it all here, i cant since it is part of the country act of secrecy. but i will just say, we learn about history, politics (mostly), have fun with activities such as repelling, night walk solo and others. then, we also make new connections. guess what, we were scared to get to know them and the same goes to them. no wonder we never talk to one another. haha, funny world. seriously, it was fun. the schedule are not strict and we were treated nicely. no scolding like little children. i like that.

one of the main event was community service which was cleaning up mosque area and cemetery. all do their work with enough effort. hahahaahaha.. no one really push it to the limit. then, it ends. finally. we also made connection with the facilitators since they are young and fun. they are not worn out uncle or aunties who are too engulfed by work and forgotten about life. all in all, it was good.

sum it all up, i was okie with it la. although im still a bit mad for the dishonesty from the organizing committee (just tell us what it is all about from the beginning okie) and the short notice, but the experience was fun.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

a thing at a wrong time..

why do i call this activity that i am going this weekend a thing, without any adjective of quality whether it is good or wrong or bad? because i have no idea what to expect and how to categorise it. i just say it a thing then, to not severe my head more. anyway, the activity is a camp in Melaka.. God sake knows what will we do there..

it is said that it is a motivational as well as a community service activity since the exam is near. look at the sentence above. the exam is near la vavi.. what is the whole point wanting to do an activity in this critical hours. we all have planning and things to do, things that concerns our academic excellence. most of us just got assigned to a bunch of assignments and fieldwork to be done. all that takes time and this activity is nothing but a stupid big rock in the middle of the way. stupid.

then, it is told in extremely short notice. today is tuesday and they expect to do it this friday till sunday (TOT).. whatta? at least tell us before the raya holiday, then we would have prepared. although still have the reluctance in our hearts (okie, my heartis a sure, others i have no idea). the best thing was getting info on it. they have yet to discuss about what to do and the tentative is yet to be done. wow, you have the gut to inform without proper prior knowledge. how the system 'amazed' me. they are mind readers i think.

whatever it is, i think this is a thing done at a wrong time.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Raya: Drama and Dullness

first of all, i would like to share my happiness that i finally got a replacement for my stolen lappy last semester. although i get it from a loan from my mom ( i will pay every semester eh Mama?), the main point is i get a lappy. at last, machine of happiness has return into my previously dull life. haha, exaggeration to the limit.. although it is a bit heavy than my previous one (nearly another half a kilo more!) but i will suit to it later. i am happy with it.. naming it Dominique.. whattaya think? oh, this is included in this post since i got it in raya season.. considered a raya gift.. bought with a bit of my raya money.. okie, a lot of my raya money.. huhu :(

okie, for the drama side.. this does not really involve me directly since it concerns a generation above me, my mom, dad and siblings. i cant say much as i am so not involved. but, drama during raya is so not welcoming right? drama should be kept later, not on the raya morning..pfft.. whatever it is, although it was heart aching for most of us, but we cool down the intensity by making it into laughing matter.. seriously, all the tears rolled down due to this matter has been flooded by the laughter that we made about it. haish..

then the next drama was me celebrating raya with an ex. haha, that is so crazy right.. of all the houses i could go to, i went to my ex's. got treated nicely by the family anyway, only slightly ignored by the ex. ah, like i care, i went there for the bonding okie, not reconciliation. luckily i went there with some of my friends (it was their idea!) so the silent treatment is not apparent. whatever.

the dullness part is ought to be since i am no longer a child. seriously, hari raya is so meaningful and fun when you were a child. once you grow up, responsibility took over the fun segments. damn it. thus, i cant say much. shop for baju raya alone. that is sad. why nobody want to accompany me? no big preparation were made either since we still are grieving over the passing away of my grandma. so, hari raya is slightly gloomy this year.

okie, that is it for raya update. will update soon since the writing machine is back!! i like..

*happy and sad*

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

im a straight forward person.. i cant help it..

the reason behind the writing of this post is because something people dont get me when im being honest directly. i never say an ugly dress okie but not for you, i will say it as ugly as that what i saw it as. i dont know the more polite way to give out my thoughts. i just lash them for you and you need not think a lot to digest the meaning. what i say is what i meant. so, im sorry of people got offended or such because it is just me, being myself.

this is usually a big problem when im turning down someone's offer to go out or whatsoever. i dont go around saying im tired or any other excuse, i will just say i dont want to. yes, im not good in taking care of people's heart. maybe because i dont mingle much with people. i just know how to express, but hardly have a clue on how to filter.

another thing about me if dont give hints about your dissatisfaction. i just dont get it. i dont get signs and gestures. i only digest verbal and action signals. i know you might say it is impossible for me to overlook such signals but it is true. i have hurt a lot of people and lose a few opportunities because i dont get signals. thus, be frank and say upfront with me okie. im okie with that. so what if i talk bad about you later, you did it first..

so, mind me if im blur by flowery words because i am straight forward. dont go around in giving your idea. make it a straight channel okie. easy for me to digest.

*tired of thinking*