Saturday, February 28, 2009

Another Theater..

yay.. last nite i went to another theater.. hehe, this semester has been so theatrical for me.. so, back to the stories.. the theater was entitled "Kuala Lumpur: Peluang, Harapan, Impian".. i know.. the title are rather corny.. but it's free.. so, no regret.. and it was staged at panggung bandaraya.. so, we went on the bus to get there.. i got to meet up with friends that i've have been ages since i last saw them.. especially anna.. miss u so much.. so, everything was chaotic in the bus last nite.. with all the catch-up stories and updates.. hehe.. after all the talk.. around one hour.. we arrived.. the first thing i realised at the scene was the amount of 'kakak kakak' over there.. let just say they are the majorities.. once i got the flyer.. i understand why.. there will be parts where their lives are going to be exposed.. okie.. let just see.. then, we went in and pick our seat.. i sit next to anna.. and we were talking and criticising the songs.. and i accidentally burst about my latest conflict to her.. sorry anna you have to listen to it.. then, the show started.. first.. there are monologues from 4 different people.. then, the life of 'kakak kakak' from the village to kl and lastly life of youngsters whose looking for jobs in kl.. overall it is fine.. not that great for me.. but one of the monologue touched me deeply.. it shows how ignorant we are.. a bit of self reflecting last nite.. but that was it.. then, we went back.. on the bus.. while everybody was having a blast talking about the theater and their life.. i chose to keep quiet.. im so not sharing my stories with others.. let me be the only one who knows about it.. i almost cry in the silence.. i am alone although im in a middle of a conversation.. and memories are killing me..

"u feel lonely, even when you are surrounded by your friends, laugh about things and talk about something' - a friend..

as usual.. put up a happy face..
no matter what happen in your life..
never share your sadness with other..
as you will only put them..
in agony that they should never get into..

*keeping it to myself*
*thinking of you - katy perry*

Friday, February 27, 2009

am i not fit to be #1 in people's lives?

am i just unlucky or what?? every time i fall for someone.. it is either the person does not notice me or the person has someone else.. im irritated by this fact.. care less about who ever i fall for this time.. the same thing just happens.. this time, i figured out accidentally that person has someone in *** life already.. but the person is just loving.. how i love the person.. but it is against my principle to go for someone's someone.. so, i leave the person.. although it is hard for both of us..
this has not been the first time in my life.. in fact, it is already the fifth time.. they just look at me and ask to be in relationship.. but i'll be second.. next to another person they already had.. im hurted and sick of all these things.. am i not worthy of being no 1 in anyone's heart?? am i always be other people scandals instead of spouse or partner?? sometimes.. i just want to feel how it is like to be no 1 in people's heart..

will i ever be no 1 in someone's heart??
i dont want to think about it..


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

another reason to laugh..

hehe.. yesterday while checking my blog.. i stumbled into something funny.. looks like somebody got offended by what im writing.. GOSH.. while must history repeat itself.. and that person is using an alias.. coward.. lame.. and it wrote all that at my shoutbox.. even more stupid.. what was it thinking?? then.. i counterback it words on me.. oh, i have to thanks my friends for supporting me in fighting this stupidity.. besides, other people do write about other people's matters also rite?? hehe.. to it.. thanks for giving me another reason to laugh.. you just make my life more exciting.. and i just want to say something.. your stupidity is too vast until my smartness is no challenge..


*laughing hysterically*

Monday, February 23, 2009

emotion rollercoaster..

hmm.. what can i say about these few days is there has been major emotion rollercoaster for some.. that might or might not include me.. some have to face danger in life.. and survived it.. but one of them just keep on making a big fuss about it.. hahh.. get a life please.. bad things are bound to happen in your life.. it is just the matter of time.. some found partner.. at the most unexpected time..and with the most unexpected person.. and still trying to cope with it.. good for you then.. some lose a partner.. and lose interest about it.. dont worry.. time will heal you.. some got the worst critiscism i have ever heard in my life.. it's time for you to realise your level and dont try to go beyond it.. some are feeling down with what are happening around them.. nevermind.. soon, it's your time to feel happiness.. some realised that they are just not ready for anything new.. this includes love and studies.. maybe soon you get throgh the stage.. some expresses their emotion to the person they trust.. just to put some of the burden off their shoulder.. you can count on your friends about it.. some are just feeling happy with what they have.. and making comparison on it.. just enjoy and appreciate it.. while you still can..

haaahhh.. life and emotion.. they are just too many too handle sometimes..

*receiving and absorbing*

Saturday, February 21, 2009


I want to be alone
At a place with shade of the highest tone
Sit still, just like a stone
Soon I will leave, with nothing left but bones

Crying aloud
Without the knowledge of the crowd
As they will not ask about
Of what has happened, inside out

Am I really do?

I want to know you
Am I really do?
I say i love you
Am I really do?
I want you to be mine
Am I really do?
Our hearts will combine
Am I really do?
Care for you whenever you feel blue
Am I really do?
An even if we are already through
Am I really do?
Am I really do?

a night to remember

Okie.. when you guys first read the title.. don’t get me wrong ok.. it got nothing to do with any romance scene or whatsoever.. it is about a field trip to watch a theater.. PGL the musical to be exact.. when I first heard about the news, I was so happy and excited.. well, most probably because the tickets are rather difficult to get and the great reviews that the show has received in the past.. besides.. news about new twist and improvement from the previous to season also excite me.. so, we went there.. haahh.. being in istana budaya for the first time is just indescribable.. this is the place where most great art piece being staged.. then.. some took the chance to snap pictures around.. among friends, family.. some even get to know with people they never talk to and try to talk about new relationship maybe?.. hehe.. oh, not to forget.. the attires.. OMG.. some really put EXTRA amount of effort to look magnificent.. and most of them did.. im not in the list I think.. mine was average.. average style for average guy.. then, we get in.. after some time, the show starts.. the grand feeling and atmosphere can be felt once the show commenced.. then, the story moves on.. okie. The first few parts was not really to my fancies as im not a lovey-dovey person.. but the emotion was strong.. I even almost burst into tears when they played the songs.. it is just plain heavenly.. the lyrics touches my heart.. hehe.. lame guy(referring to myself).. then, it goes on until there was and intermission.. while most go and grab themselves some refreshment.. I choose to what else.. Cam-whoring of course.. that was the shortest 20 minutes of my life.. time just fly when you are having fun..then, it was time to get in.. we then watch the second half of it.. and it was better.. more actions.. more humours.. and not forgetting.. magics.. there was one memorable scene when the sultan dance in a situation that looks like a cabaret performance.. it was hilarious.. then, the show comes to an end.. and we gave them a big round of applause and standing ovation from some(that includes me).. all in all, the show was great and wish to go there again.. no wonder the tickets is hard to get..


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

im done with it...

i know how much i love and care for the person.. but then again.. i have to remember to 1 big fat fact of life.. the person is not into me.. no matter what i do or try to do.. there is just no way.. but please.. no regret k.. though it might sounds sad but i can just get on with life.. we are just not meant to be.. we were not supposed to be.. let this story remains silent and shall never be discussed again..

acting has always been a part of my life.. professionally or in daily life.. easier said.. i act most of my life.. what people see at me, usually is not what i am inside.. therefore, faking happiness and contentment is not a hard work for me.. and that is needed in excessive amount these days.. it's like a never-ending soap drama that i just could not find out when it is going to end.. so, i keep on playing my part.. but sometimes, i just want to be who i am inside.. the great loner.. who sometimes dip himself deeply into pit of sadness.. the person who is afraid to do a lot of stuffs.. expressing my feeling.. able to say what i really want.. make my own decision.. strive for what i want.. i know i sound rather 'emo'-ish.. i know i sometimes lash out all my sadness on this blog.. but then.. this is the only place where i can be who i want myself to be.. not a hypocrite.. like i always does in the actual world..

*settled for...??*

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


OMG.. i just lost 1 of the most precious passession of mine.. my pendrive.. with all my files and song and not forgetting.. memories.. huhu.. then im irritated by the person yesterday.. with the person's behavior yesterday.. im just plain angry.. but maybe more to envy than anger.. somehow the person looks so charming yesterday.. but i still a bit irritated.. because it has been the same fashion for the last few days.. but than again.. we are not an item.. so, i dare not say anything.. i dont want the person to feel mad at me.. i dont want the person to take me as a control freak.. so just keep it to myself.. 

aaaahhhhhh... hate it.. but love it...

*loving, hating... it's the same*

Monday, February 16, 2009

Without Realizing It

After a very long while, I just realized something in my life.. all this time.. my life is being influenced by someone.. never try to guess who.. because your answer will always be wrong.. now, I’ve been questioned by others and also myself.. why did I ever follow and obey to all ‘it’ commands and tales.. most of all, how I could stand its behavior and self-bringing.. now, I often wonders about it.. sometimes, I know that it stories might most probably be not true.. but then again I choose to believe.. sometimes, I get annoyed with how it behave.. but I just bare with it.. most of the time, I choose to hate people just because it tells me to do so.. without actually knowing the whole reason why must I hate that particular person.. I even hate the person I loved so much, just because it says that the person is no good.. without finding out the actual facts.. and at that time, we were just about to get to know each other better.. how could I be so dumb.. and once I through with the person I could be with.. it tries his luck on that person.. in front of me.. not behind my back.. up to the extend that I would never done.. and boast about it to me.. which hurts more and makes me wonder.. Why???.. it also interferes with people problems for goodness sake knows why… sometimes, even more that the actual person who really involved in the problem.. another thing that bothers me so much is that somehow nowadays, im involved in greater problems and some of them I should not even get involved with in the first place because it introduce me to them.. the ‘Them’ refers to the problems and the people it introduces to me.. some people are just born to find mess on this massive world..

Another things that just come up recently is a feeling uplift towards a person.. a person that I used to see as nothing but just a friend.. now my feeling towards the person is more to affection and care.. and I cant tell where it all started.. it just happens.. from just playing a game on the person,.. soon develops into a genuine feeling.. hehe.. matters of hearts.. it is so mysterious.. we never know when it going to play a trick on us.. and it is getting more prominent from day to day.. let just see how it goes..


Know me for who I am

I want people to know me.. For who I am.. Not for who I befriend with.. I don’t want people to assume that I am the same exact person as my friends.. I am my own self.. I am not what people may think.. Sometimes, it is just plain irritating when people misjudged me just because of who my friends are.. I want to be known as myself.. Not as someone else’s friend or partner in crime.. love me for who I am.. hate me for who I am.. don’t have these feelings for me just because I befriended with the person u hate or love.. I want to be known as who I really am.. not for who my friends are..

*wanting to be recognized*

Thursday, February 12, 2009


it's been a while since i put up my last post.. firstly because i have no connection to the internet for the past few days.. it is killing.. life without internet.. another reason would be, im so blank.. i have no idea what to write on the blog.. besides, these days im easily touched.. like getting lowest marks in class which im used to be one of the highest.. listening and observing people reaction to problems and life matters.. but still.. i still feel so blank.. it's like my heart is an open space.. with nothing in it.. i sometimes can even determine what is my actual emotion is.. im on the verge of everything most of the time.. im not happy, sad, or whatever.. i just feel empty and blank.. nowadays, even my laugh is never known to be sincere or just an act shown to the public for their own comfort.. hehe..
during this last few days.. i've been thinking about sacrifice.. sacrifices i've made for the happiness of others.. it's been a lot.. i dunno why i did all those sacrifice for.. because, in the end, the people i had sacrifice for just hate me.. i've sacrifice my love, my work, my effort and everything for others.. but when i need them help.. none of them came.. instead i am hated for asking them to help.. life can be very unfair most of the time.. but that is just the fact... i wish i never did all those sacrifice.. and just see how life goes.. but it's too late..


Sunday, February 8, 2009

what about now..

what about now.. for now i think im settled.. for the worse.. everything is just a mess.. i settle to my old destructive way.. doing things that im not supposed to do in life as a good boy.. nowadays, even the smallest things can offend me.. being jealous of people's happiness.. spreading around my morbidity.. cursing unknown people for unknown excuses.. that are just some of the thing that i've been up to these days..
i need a hero.. someone who can bring me out of this dark age of my life.. someone bold enough to face me and in the end.. conquer me.. someone that i can rely to.. be my comfort.. bare with my mood swinging behaviour.. save me.. quick.. before i fall deeper into this pit of hate and self- loathing.. 
save me....

*crying silently*   

Friday, February 6, 2009


why it is so difficult for me to accept new people in my life?.. why am i making a very thick barrier between me and people who want to know me?.. why am i not that friendly and able to make friends in a sec?.. why i found it difficult for me to say my feelings out loud to the person that i love and adore the most?.. why am i very distant from certain people who just want to get closer to me?..
is it because im afraid to be hurted again.. is it because im just not friendly.. is it because im just a social outcast.. is it because i always think that im not good.. is it my thinking that doesn't allow me to be more friendly because im afraid people will start judging me.. is it my nature that i hate when people hate me and i want to be liked by everyone.. is it my fault that i am all alone right now?..
if i am the whole reason why i am alone and reclusive, why i feel sad and bad about it?.. im the one in fault.. im the whole reason why..
sometimes, i wish i wre someone else.. who is not analytical and can be more free.. free to do thinks according to my heart.. not totally controlled by my mind.. able to make friends quickly.. not being a social outcast...

just hate these questions.. which keep on bugging me.. day and night.. without rest.. please.. take a break.. leave me alone, questions...


Thursday, February 5, 2009

what a day...

have u guys ever experienced in your life a night where everything sounds and looks so wrong?..
well, i just experience it last night.. the day started with the fact that i have a test and im not ready for it at all.. but, as a pro in making up stories, i manage to survive it.. it is story telling anyway.. hen, im off to my residential area.. do my laundry.. talked with someone on important matters, believe me, it is very important.. it is the matter of life and death.. of a young soul.. then, i fell asleep.. once awake, i check.. OMG, i've been sleeping for 4 hours.. that is out of my nature.. then, i get ready and have dinner with my friends.. i just realised that i have a meeting that night.. so, i eat with rush and off to the meeting on foot.. yup, approximately 2 km full of steep hills on foot.. once arrived, i realised that no one is there.. s**t, it is cancelled without my knowledge.. luckily a friend of mine send me home.. then, i had a conversation with my friends about many topics, varies from life to political situation of the nation.. hmm.. just cant get pass it.. then, we are off to each other beds.. then, pass midnite, i received a phone call from an unknown number.. someone wants to know me.. fine.. i dont mind making friends but when u asked for more.. sorry, not available.. after that, i just hit the sack..

hahhh.. what a day...


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

im tagged..

im very green to this arena and im tagged.. i have no idea what it is but after some explanation.. i might understand it..

here is my answer to my tag..

7 guys i used to like (I will only use their initial)

1. A - was mine..

2. W- used to, now not even friend..

3. D- love the person.. very nice and respected..

4. F- same case as W

5. AA- love to see, dont want to get near..

6. M- just get to know recently..

7. R- little kids crush..

7 women i used to like

  1. T- someone that i hope i can be with..
  2. A- used to, now she has someone else..
  3. K- my first time..
  4. S- my second..
  5. I- my third..
  6. J- my fourth
  7. N- just want to get to know more about her

hehe.. that all..

who am i tagging?..

  1. Fie
  2. Dydy

Monday, February 2, 2009

just call me Puzzled..

hehehe.. i know the title is very weird.. but that is just who i am.. it is very weird when i want to be loved by someone but once i get it.. i tend to find ways to break free from it.. then, i want to be loved but in the same time being hurted also.. i just love the feeling of being hurted and loved at the same time.. it is very satisfying.. hehe.. just plain weird.. maybe i just love the feeling of being pursuited..
another thing.. i somehow make watching movies and reading fiction books not fun at all.. because of my over analytical behaviour.. people sometimes find it to be very irritating but that is just my nature.. instead of immersing myself deeply in the movie (tears for some), i found it is more intriguing for me to find loopholes and flaws in those stories.. then, i might share it with others and kill their fun.. so sorry guys.. it is just me..
hah.. sometimes i just wish i could stop thinking to much in my life.. because it costs me to miss out a lot of things in my life.. i should just do it then think about it.. but not in all event.. there should always be boundaries..