Sunday, April 20, 2014

Cocooned life..

I am currently in a cocoon. I am no longer a student, a boy, but I am unable to establish myself as a man, a person in a working world. I am now somehow in a transition stage. A transition in which I dislike as when I have time, my brain will overwork. It will start imagining things that are not real and putting scary thoughts regarding prospect of future in my mind. Due to this, I somehow foresee my future to be bleak at the moment. I just hope this phase of darkness will pass by me.

In this cocoon, I am given a restricted freedom. A freedom dreamed by a man, achieved by a boy. I am now allowed to make decision, only by the permission of others. I am free to roam free, only to announce my departure and arrival and answer questions. I am responsible for things thrown to me. I am made to feel like a man with eyes looking at me as if I am still a boy. Yup, a restricted freedom.

In this cocoon, I think of what I could become and what I might become. I know my potential (I think) but will I work it to the fullest? Whose expectations will be met, mine or others? Do I chase dream or stability? What is stability? Will my body and soul be one all the time or will they separate at times due to disagreement of ideals? Those are some of the fights I have, within this cocoon..

I cannot wait for the day for me to be able to finally emerge from the cocoon and be what I have decided to become. A decision that I hope I will look back with a sigh, of relief because what is life if regret were the beginning.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

throwing away fragments of a dream..

since i was a kid, i have always loved drawing. once, i even thought of making art as a way of me making a living. i shall be an artist. later in life, i developed this liking towards art through another medium, that is fashion. i see clothes as more than just something you put on yourself for the sake of decency. i see it as a way to express yourself and also a language on its own to explain who you are and what are your choices in life. due to this, i started sketching. a lot. i had a stack of sketchbooks i have collected over the years containing what i see possible to be on a human body. i kept them all as a reminder of who i am and what i want and who knows, might be. fashion had become the dream of my life.

to be honest, i never thought that this day will ever come. the day where i will throw away my dream because somebody says so. a day that i decide that the dream is no longer mine. a day that it ends. it started with the cleaning and arranging of the room. upon finishing, we realised there was not much of space left so unnecessary things will have to go. we sorted out a lot of things to be let go such as old magazines, unnecessary paperworks and all. suddenly, a person took a look at my stack of sketchbook s and said

"i don't think we need these. we should just throw them away to make space for other things."

i was silenced. i had no idea how should i stand for them. i just said those were my sketches and i would love to keep them around. the person said,

"ah, sketches, you can always do them later. buy new books and draw more. these mean nothing"

with that, and the agreement of others, those books were gone. stacked with other rubbish. yes, rubbish. that is what those sketches are to other people. however, for me, those are fragments of my dream. those are the representation of what i want to do if i have the right substance. those sketches are what i could and wanted to be. those sketches are something i can call mine.

i heart shattered into million pieces upon that answer. i know there's no salvation and there's no arguing over the decision. i just have to live with it. guess it is time for me to let things go because the truth is, life is not going to be nice to some people despite no matter how much effort they put in. they are just not mean for greatness. well, great pains are for them. people say it's a test. i say it is a cruel game and you are not even a player. you are just the object of the game and the objective is to push you to the edge. take the fall or stay at the edge. your choice, though both are just as nasty.

p/s: i heard they might get burned. how nice it is to see the ashes of what i used to savour as my escape plan..