Have not read a single thing..

Since coming back from SA, I have not read a single book. Well, there have been a few comics but no book; you know those which are filled with words and with little or no illustration at all. I have no idea why. I actually like the idea of reading books but this time around I just could not find any book that captures my attention. A book that excites me. A book that allows me to imagine a world that is not known to others but me. I just could not find the book.

Seeing a few of my friends posting pictures on social media sites on books that they have read so far is actually depressing. I used to be that kid who reads a lot. But no longer. I don’t know what stopped me. Or maybe I just want to enjoy trivial things for a while, you know things that do not ask me to think a lot, just do and be done with it. Huhu, it’s funny that I am troubled that I am not reading. Usually, I am troubled when I have to read, not the opposite has happened. Mind, make yourself up :P.

*looking for books*

The Calmness

At the moment, as I am writing this, I am at my hometown and in the comfort of my family. However, with the calmness that is overwhelming me at the moment, I am not sure whether this is the truth or a lie told by my mind to me to fog the truth that lies behind. It is the calm before the storm type of calmness. Well, I think I am just worried because I have not developed myself enough academically and personally.

As I am currently in my final year, I have two big things that are the obstacles that will hinder me from getting my degree. They are known as dissertation and practicum. Two of the biggest tasks that you will need to face in your tertiary education journey. To be honest, I don’t think that I am ready for any of those. Practicum? I don’t think I am a good teacher. Not that I don’t know my subject matter, I don’t think I have the personality to teach. Looking at previous assessment on teaching, I don’t think I will do good. However, I am positive that I will pass it. Though I might be good, I will be good enough. Hey, it is not only my education is on the line, my future students’ too. Their mistake due to my teaching will haunt me, forever! Huhu, yeah, I am aspired to improve education here.

For my dissertation, I am still not sure on what to write. I have the view of what to do but can I materialise it? That is the question. Plus, it must be research based which is a troublesome. But please, I need to finish this to get my degree so I will do my best to finish it. I must finish it or I will be finished!

*annoyed*

sudden clarity..

haha, new year is here and here i am, still affected by whatever that has happened from last year. oh please, last year was just yesterday, do not expect me to move on that quickly. i am slow at that.. what? moving on i mean. that is just something i am not good at. pfft, here i am again ranting about how hard it is for me to move on.. darn it Sai, enough.. okie, awkward inner fight just commenced.. nevermind..

oh, anyway, you know how much i love sketching dresses? like a lot. i sketch at all times, as long as there are pen/pencil and paper, i will sketch. i do not know why, i just feel like it. so just now, i was looking at my sketches and it came to me. i am never going to be able to make these come true. well, i do not have the right resources to begin with and i am not sure whether this is a dream that is within reach or just a fantasy i create to really express myself. one thing for sure, i am somehow going to put a halt to that dream for i know it is a waste to keep on thinking about something that will not happen. it is not that i am giving up dreams, i am just being realistic. i am just a human, nothing much i can do in this world. better that i stick with whatever i am doing right now and try to find the balance i need in life. throwing away dreams is not bad, it is just getting even with life. sometimes, what you want is not what you need.

then, regarding matters of the heart. to be honest, being single for the past two years has been my own choice and also my own fault. as aforementioned, i find it hard to move on. i held on to memories and seriously do not live in the moment. with that choice, i live a ruined life. seriously, i want to start anew. i dont mind not having anyone because at the moment i dont think i am fit to be with anyone. but i must no longer live with memories.. seriously, people say there is nothing wrong with having fond memories? BS! this fond memories are the one holding me back, keeping me in a time capsule, making me that non responsive thing i call myself. seriously, i need to let go. how? i should consult myself then.. i am my own counselor.. darn it when the counselor themselves is unable to help..

*turning over a new leaf*