I would make a nasty Groom..

every time i am about to commit myself to something, as the day nears, i will have cold feet. this is a fact. i will overthink about the whole thing and once i am done overthinking, i will think of a way to escape the whole thing a.k.a running away. i am afraid of uncertainties and when commitment is involved, Gawd, all i want is just to be in my safety bubble. to be honest, at times i pray for the power to see my future so that i won't be stuck in this loop of fear of uncertainties. it's annoying and counter productive to a level as i spend most of my time thinking about worst case scenario and i will be so invested emotionally, to the brink of depression. yeah, emotionally, i am a wreck. why do you think i start this blog in the first place? it is my venue to see my thoughts in words so that i can assess just how crazy i sound at most time. yeah, behind that happy, cool exterior, i am such a train wreck inside. well, those who had seen my breakdown episodes would know. hahahaha

the thing is, i am afraid to start my new job at the new workplace. not only that i have social anxiety, the work is also in a field so foreign to me that i am not sure how will i fit myself into the crowd and most importantly, how will i perform in my job. i know this whole thing sounds a lot like self sabotaging but it is something that i cannot help. i am so used to certainties in my life, i plan everything before it happens, so when an opportunity knocks, out of nowhere, fear tends to get along with it. arghh! i have no idea how to shake this thing off me. i have tried meditation, exercise (yes, i volunteer to exercise, i must be in deep shit!) and make myself busy with other things but when i am all alone, it will come and haunt me, with questions! i hate questions! i love answers!

Gawd! i am terrified! i might be over reacting but i dont know how to calm down! gosh!!

facelift..

it is time to part with the old and in with the new. ceh, as if i am talking about something major, when in fact i am just talking about getting this blog a new template. well, the old template was nice ( i sincerely love the flying away heart balloon illustration in the design, that is so special to me) but as time goes by, i don’t think the template is relevant anymore. well, i have made some growth and it is about time the place where i pour most of my thoughts grows as well. it is a way for me to convince myself that it is time to move forward in life. ceh, i sound so old when i just reach a quarter of a century.. well, that doesn’t help in lessening the feeling of being old.. hahaha

anyway, after a thorough search, i have decided to go with this look. nothing special. it is just a look that i responds to. a look that i look at and i say, i will make you mine. hahaha i am picky and to please me, it is all about pleasing my instinct. if it feels right, it is right. i am simple but the simplicity is complex. pergh, attempt at being philosophical over there. hahaha not gonna work!

anyway, new look!

words..

words don’t come easy for me. i am not that good with word. my vocabulary is not that big either. so, when it comes to writing down stories, i always dread it. it is because i know, i will keep on playing the visual in my head while being unable to pen the words down to describe it. writing is just not something that comes naturally to me. haha it is kinda ironic that i am writing this down to explain about my inability to write stories.

the thing is, i have had ideas. a lot to be exact. but, once i started writing them down, my words didn’t catch the essence of what i am trying to tell. hence ideas remain ideas. no development. i took up the interest of reading at a rather early age. library was my fortress of solitude throughout primary and secondary school years. i spent a lot of time with books and after some time, aspired to be an author. however, i can never write narratives or stories in a way that it is a sensory adventure. my writing has always been straightforward, no nonsense and at times, even academic in nature. my writing is exactly a representation of how my mind works. uptight and determined. i tried letting loose but it all comes back to that so after some time, i just accepted that writing is not the way that i should go.

to be honest, it is rather envious to see others being able to express their minds out with great stories. not just establish authors, but also people i have had the privilege to know in life as well. words seem to come easy for them. but then again, if everyone has the same ability, what is the meaning of diversity then? so, i believe in fate i which everyone has a mission on this land and each mission is individual. no two is the same.

in the mean time, i shall keep the visual alive, in my head and hope to find someone that can write them down in words for the world to understand it as well.

(written on 17/1/2015)

My biggest anxiety

people who know me will say that i am someone who is very comfortable in my own skin. to be honest, that is partially true. i am comfortable with myself, most of the time. however, i am not sure whether that is something real or it’s a result of years of telling myself that “I am confident” until i start to believe it. the thing is, behind that very secure exterior that i project, i am insecure as heck on so many things (my looks not a part of it though - i used to be worried of it but then after some time, i realised that the sooner i accept how i look, the easier it is for me to face the world without the worry of superficial judgment), especially fitting in a group and maintaining interaction and communication. yes, i am worried about functioning in a group because that is just not something that i can do well.

those who know me will say that this is a bizarre thing for me to say but it is the truth. i am afraid of creating connection to people because i am awkward as heck. i don’t know how to carry small talk, how to share interest without sounding snobbish or like a creeper and i have this extreme anxiety to be accepted so badly. in my life prior to this, i love presenting, a very self centric action. why? because i don’t have to establish a relationship with the people who listen (or not, it’s their choice) to my presentation and the interaction made was only for that purpose only. no affection factors are included. once everything is over, we are nobody to each other and i am happy with that. so, when i jump into a new social scene and i will need to create and establish new connection, a surge of panic will overpower me. i hate introducing myself to someone and considering being their friends or in their close circle. i am bad at making new friends and adapting to the place’s culture. with this mentioned, it doesn’t mean that i don’t have any friend, i do, but i take a long time to think about investing my whole self in that relationship. yes, i am an awkward person. i know that for a long time and i cannot help myself not being one because that is just who i am.

so, with every career path, i will need to create new relationship and to be honest, i am terrified to face this. yes, i am having cold feet about the new job i have just because i will need to get to know new people. i am scared as heck of that. what if i am too weird for them? what if they don’t like my attitude? what if i cannot fit into the group? so many what ifs playing in my head. gosh, my head might just explode from all the worries. but i know i will push through. i know (i shall repeat this to myself at all time, during my waking hours, even in my sleep!)

*scared as F*

(written on 16/1/2015)

finally, something!

i have finally got a job! woo hoo! yeah, i think this is something that i should celebrate although deep in my mind i have this voice saying "shh, be quiet, give it a try first, then decide whether you're happy or not". but after months of unemployment, this actually makes me feel like i have accomplished something! so, a big woo hoo to that! whether it will work out or not, time will tell. i must not worry about things in the future because it's unknown.

the job sounds promising. though it is not directly in my field (to be honest, far astray), but i am willing to take a chance on it. hey, i'm only 24 going on 25, i should not worry much, this is my time to explore. who knows this might probably be my calling? remember, fate has been playing a weird game with me and something that i thought i dislike the most could possibly be the thing i might be good at. hahaha i hope.

one thing that i like is that i get to develop modules again! woo hoo! if they are good enough, they might be published and produced to be used throughout the nation! like what? again, that's would be a great achievement but i am not counting my blessing just yet because i have no idea what the future has in store for me. in the mean time, let me prepare myself to the reintroduction to the working world. please let this be the one! or the road to something better..

*grateful*

learning to crawl.. in love..

i have been single for a good 4 years now. like that is seriously a long time to be spending my time alone. but then, come to think again, most of my relationships were long distance. so, i could say i was a very independent partner even when i was in relationships. the thing is, i do realise that i am getting older and the urge to settle down is increasing, you know, to find someone who is willing to spend their life with you and go through all the experiences in your life together. however, i have been unable to open my heart to new relationship for reason i cannot even explain. i just find it hard to be with someone. all this time being single has made me a great appreciator of quiet and loneliness, haha which is an extravagant way to say that i am now a loner than a social person.

the thing is, i do have someone that i fancy. someone i know i get along so well, someone i can truly see myself loving, have arguments and finally be friends through the rest of my life. one reason i am holding back is because of my economic state at the moment which i don't think i love to elaborate more since it's kinda apparent from the few latest posts. haha, i want this one to be the last one, the one decision that i will make and i won't regret and so does the person. the thing is, this needs to be serious. no more games for gaming time has passed for me. haha i sound dead old here.. lol

the thing is, love is something i have left for years now. to love again will be a whole new experience. I'm like a baby earning how to crawl, which in this case, in love. ahh, to love is to experience, but as experienced as i am, i feel so noob at the moment. so, yeah, i shall keep myself away from all those generic articles about how to love and really go deep within myself asking myself, what were my mistakes and learn from them. yes, in love, there are no better teachers than the both of you. others can give opinions but only you will know what is right.

the biggest enemy..

the new year has arrived and i am still bringing the baggage from last year. what a way to start a year huh? new year new beginning, i really want to believe in this so hard but let's be realistic, these baggages still are pulling me back. the thing is, these baggages are placed by none other than me. yeah, the owner of this vessel that keeps my soul, if there's any because most people say i don't have it because i am kind of too practical at most times, i forget how to be a human. anyway.. yeah, i am realising this fact now more than ever. i scared myself shitless with the trauma i had from experiences before. i tell myself i can never do something because i haven't tried it. the worst, i placed envy and covet in my heart from looking at others. dear, this is what living in the gutter (metaphorically!) made you into. a self deprecating piece of shit.

so, not being pretentious, just a very needed resolution, i will make my life better. i will stop self sabotaging and blaming the world for it. i will drink the medicine, aka reality, despite how bitter it is because if you don't make the first step back into the reality, you will always be in that delusional state and mine is not honey and flowers, more like wasp and polluted fields..