What is happening with my life?

wow, it has been 6 years since i last visited this place. i am somehow making a return because i need to find refuge. a place of calmness, my own fortress of solitude. to be honest, life hasnt been good and hasn't been bad as well. or am i saying that to try to gaslight myself into thinking things are not all too bad? God knows.. or maybe i know as well but i am in the state of denial. one thing for sure, my mental state at the moment is in shambles! hahaha what's new? life's trajectory? lol guess what? i thought i could launch my life like a functioning adult, guess who is currently stagnant if not spiraling down into a mess? me, i am a mess! i am single and unmarried, something i planned to do when i was 25, lol i'm 7 years too late already. i also planned to further my studies, well that didnt work as well, in fact, the whole work got stopped! hahaha these laughs are not funny, it's a cry for help. work wise, i am doing average to below average. after years of underappreciation, i am sort of done with it. i even got transferred, applied not forced uopn and even that can't help me bring back my lost motivation. i wonder how did the overachiever in me died within just a few years. the poison was strong i guess. life hasn't been nice to me and i havent been nice to myself either. i shoud start a year of forgiveness and the first person i should forgive is.. myself.

Jealousy..

So, the idea behind this post came when I saw my ex crush being happy with the significant other. Focus on the word ex over there because I thought I had no feelings anymore towards the person. However, it seems like a whole different case now because if I don't have feelings anymore, then why should jealousy exist? So.. yeah, the heart is a mystery to many, including me.

The thing is, love or liking is not a one time thing, it stays with you till the end of time, or the end of your memory about that person.

Being attacked..

This past few weeks have been hard on me. I felt like I was being attacked mercilessly by the people around me. Everyone expects something from me and I don't even know if I can cater to their expectations. It was difficult and to be honest, until now, my mind is racing, thinking of possible ways and direction the next attack will come. People are getting to see the vulnerable and weakerside of me, the side I always keep hidden from most people most of the time.

From all these experiences, I learn some new things about myself. I realise that my "I don't care about what is being thrown at me" face is so damn strong.. Nobody realises the person inside of me was already crumbling for weeks before it started showing signs two weeks ago. The whole time, everybody thought I was doing fine when in fact, I was screaming inside with agony and sadness.

The attacks are nowhere near over just yet. I must be ready for the next strike.mi am currently waking on glasses.. Shards that can harm me if I step too hard or lose my focus.. I must be aware of everything, everyone.. I am fighting a war..

The real nature of my job..

So, I just got back from attending a course regarding my side post. Yes, I am a person with two jobs, one is the one I signed up for and the other was forced upon me. Those in my field would know what job am I talking about. Basically a babysitter. To be honest, I don't like it at first , even now, but I have grown to tolerate it. But, the course I attended today has changed the view on this job.

Apparently, it's more than just taking care of these kids. We're expected to make them better human beings. And the expectations put on them are so damn high, it's unrealistic. It is easy for one to suggest something theoretically when one has never done the job. Looking at the list of the requirements, it's actually a whole different post, it shouldn't be something on the side of an already burdening vocation. Dafuq is wrong with these people? I mean, not all humans, especially kids, are capable of handling themselves well. Some of them needs constant push and the latter are the ones I'm facing..

Ugh,mint makes me hate this life I'm living even more.. Laws, when will I escape all these BS? I need to go away..

Finding my way back here

It wasn't easy going day by day, feeling jaded and uninspired. Every day feels like a drag and meeting the same people for a short amount of time is taking a toll on my social skills. I talk less and nothing excites me nowadays. It took me long and hard thinking to finally come to this solution. I need to write again just to avoid emotional build up. For your information, I am now living all by myself and adult interaction is something rare. Hence, this is my salvation to keep my mind sane and remain functional.

Life has been seriously overwhelming nowadays. I am still in the stage of figuring out things despite having been doing the same thing for a year now. I understand that learning is a life long process but one year in and still not even competent? I am not used to that. Well, maybe I am too hard on myself but I can't help it. That's how I survived being ignored or not cared about earlier. Yeah, I am my own best friend and worst enemy. To be honest, when I first got here, I thought it was my calling. I was doing something similar but it did not give me satisfaction due to other commitments that I needed to adhere. So, I thought jumping into this job will give me the satisfaction I crave. Little that I know, I felt stuck and disappointed real soon. Mostly because I'm a result person and not a process person. Let me tell you, human interaction is damn tiring and trying my patience. I don't even know why I bother trying to connect.

I remember the first thing the person said on my first day of duty. "To be good in this field, one needs to remember to be a human". Now, I get what she meant. I am not the best human or even good to begin with. Teaching others to be humans is a feat too bizarre for me. But, I have made this choice and I will have to suck it up! According to terms, I might need to serve for approximately 34 more years.. Damn! Will I live longer than that if this is the state of mind I am having just after a year. It's a point to wonder..

Let's be known that updates will come often as this is my only outlet to let everything off my chest. Till then, toodles!

I tried..

I tried to pen happy love stories, but to no avail. I dig deep into my mind and heart, wondering why. In that journey, I learned a lot about myself, in love. I am a fixer. In most of my experiences, I tried to fix the other person. In order to get someone to fix, the person must be broken or wrong somehow. Hence the relationships were always rocky and choppy. Fights were prevalent points in the relationship and heartaches were common. Happiness was rare and struggle was always the main theme. I was never in a dream-like relationship..

Hence, I can't write a proper love story. Well, not proper, happy. Because that experience is foreign to me. Well, people say acceptance is the first step to bliss. I am accepting the fact that the experiences I had were rough, but those are all real love.. I hope for a change in the future though..

finding inspiration..

i realised as i get older, the will to write has become lesser and lesser. i am no longer excited about sharing what is happening in my life because to be honest, i am not sure whether am i still living or am i just merely breathing. yeah, life has been stale lately. basically nothing excites me or i am just jaded as f.. like seriously, even bad news cannot make me react nowadays. i am just that dead inside. i am not sure why.

is it because i have lived as an observer for such a long time, i have stopped wanting to be the one living the life i was envious of? to be honest, if i want to say that i dont have stories to share would be a lie but i dont think i know how to put those stories into words. worse, when i read the stories, they reminded me of something that i could never achieve or have in my life, that is being on the greener side of life. yeah, this is the pessimist me writing. deal with it.

anyhow, i think should get active in writing again. maybe i should force myself to write at least a post daily. it is not like anybody is still reading so it doesnt really matter what i write.