i cannot sleep..

a very odd title for a very odd post. seriously, actually, i have been lying on my bed for nearly half an hour before i decide to get up and maybe write something. i dont know why, but lately sleeping has been difficult for me. well, i blame nothing but my previous semester. yes, i can safely call it previous since i am finished with all my examinations and assignments. this is one semester i am not interested in remembering. that is something i am sure of.

btw, currently i am ruled by one of the seven deadly sins. okie, i am usually controlled by at least one, most usual is pride, but this time by the one i hardly recognise. jealousy or covetousness or envy. yes, the green one. and the subject of envy is people around me who had gone back to their hometown and the fact that i am still here, in this ratchet place i call the city of education. well, i think i might offend some people for calling this place ratchet but please, you guys have no idea what has this place brought me. that is not the main point. the main point here is i am envious of people going away from this place.. gosh, i hope this feeling will go soon.. meh, knowing me, it wont last a few days..

hmm, let us talk about issues, first of all is my house. the rented one. now with the peeps that i am not fancy out, i can finally treat this place like a house. before this, i see it as a shelter for me to sleep due to the not so conducive environment. now, i can totally live in it. but, i must be remembered that those are just temporary happiness. last for one month only, then, they will be back and this house will turn into a shelter again. (btw, among the things i am doing at the moment is writing my shopping list, for the house)

then, friends. hmm, i must say friends have been nice to me. or maybe i turned more accepting. i dont know and i dont want to know. i think now i am more relaxed and petty matters wont bother me much anymore. i love this new found maturity, or i must say, self activated ignorance. now i believe in people when they say ignorance is bliss.

partner. i had my closure to my previous relationship. after one whole freaking year. we met and had one day. and we both realised the feeling had died. well, the person moved on and planned to marry the new significant other. i wish the both of you best of luck and be happy together. btw, thanks for the closure. i can move on now, knowing that my heart is back with me again. now, i am free to give it to someone new. definitely not someone like you. what? the relationship failed, so obviously i am looking for someone different because i cannot go with someone like you.

that is all i can think for now.. till later peeps.. out

*writing is something i cannot give up*

of working and me..

this semester is the first semester i ever thought of working. why? well, i have been with my family for way too long and i understand how that they cannot actually support me. what? my mum got other responsibility besides me. nothing that i will complain. due to that, i decided to work. yeah, to support my own living..

living as a student and working at the same time is not that easy. well, besides all the work you have from your academic development side, your career side too is giving you work that needs to be finished on a deadline. oh, btw, i am working at my own faculty for those of you who have no idea about me, although i think most of the readers are people who knows me personally. so yeah, i have been juggling matters in life starting this semester. study and work. to be honest, at times it is just tiring.. i feel like stopping but to no avail due to commitment.. yeah, i maybe hard to commit in a relationship but work, that is something i am sure i can commit very much.

then, end of year approached and to be honest i am glad since it meant the end of my contract. however, to my surprise today, i was called to the office and were asked to continue working. however, this time around at a different office under different body. what? why? i wanted to take a holiday and rest from all these madness.. looks like that is just a dream not to come true.. huhu..

then, a lecturer upon knowing that i wont be working anymore with my previous boss directly booked me to be her helper for the next semester.. wait, that means that i will be working non stop.. this semester break (january to March) and the semester that comes after (march to july) then off to my practicum (July to October ?) then a four months break which i dont know whether they want me still to work for them..

what?! i am a student.. i shouldnt be working all year long.. that is just insane.. my mode is full time, not part time.. but what can i do? i think i will just bare with it.. at least i have money.. my own money..

*working*

drifted year..

this is about the year 2011. i know most blogs have written on this issue. well, include me in the bandwagon. i just need to express my feeling about the year that has just passed. i must say, mine is negative, not likely to be positive at all..

the year starts with the pain from the previous year. the death of my dad. yup, the year starts with a mourn. i was still mourning for the death of my dad. someone that is so dear to me. someone that i look up to and someone that i want to impress so much. i guess now i can only talk to him through my prayer. then, the year also starts with wounded heart from previous year breakup.. a 3 year long relationship that finally ends because the sparks were gone.. and to this day, i am still not healed.. the wound is still open..

then, several mishaps starts to happened.. theft, back stab, lost of friends and many more.. all these make an opportunity for my long oppressed depression to come back into surface.. and i must say, that is a bad thing..

then, there was this long break.. 4 freaking months.. and all i do is nothing.. yeah, nothing.. because i have to face a lot of issues that are beyond my control but i am involved.. i dont even get to have fun.. all i do is just sit and do nothing.. just observe as the world and time pass through me.. i was wasted.. i broke down a few times back at home..

the second half give me no break.. instead more shits.. a lot of issues rose.. friends, housemates, and academic.. then the accidents.. im disgusted by life by the end of it.. almost overdose myself in medication due to the depression.. yup, till that serious..

however, i found friends along the way.. friends that i know will stay with me till the end of this torturous moment in uni life.. they are the ones i cling to in times of need..

the year has passed.. i hope all the bad things remain there, as part of memories.. never to be resurfaced and to be oppressed in the unconscious mind..

*new year, new hope*

i am telling you stories..

okie, actually this is a long delayed update.. i just dont feel like updating.. dunno why.. who cares actually.. btw, i still want to tell the stories.. (the actual reason, i am stuck at the fac and cannot go home due to the rain)

i got myself into an accident last week.. kinda big actually.. i literally laid down on the road.. and i answered so many phone calls during that time.. people seriously? i just got into an accident and you are asking me to answer my calls? be logical people! haish.. anyway.. injured my leg and my bike.. still in healing phase at the moment.. huhu, there goes my beautiful leg.. BEAUTIFUL? LIKE SERIOUSLY DUDE!

then, i bought myself a lot of new stuff which are necessities.. phone because the old one is being a pain and a printer because my old one the ink is unbelievably expensive.. huhu.. seriously, money flows like water.. plus got myself a new phone.. all expenses paid by none other than yours truly.. i am an adult now.. haha.. seriously, this is forced adulthood..

then, life as a student is the only life i have now.. all my alter life, i just need to shut them off.. due to the hectic of these few weeks.. i sleep most of the time because seriously ia m just tired of living.. gosh! when will this be over with! arghh! btw i did catch movies this few days.. awesome breaks.. huhu

that's all for now.. till then. later..

*tired*

just something..

i cannot remember the last time i was here. i think it was a month ago. please, i am just too lazy to look at the archive. well, actually hectic life and lack of inspiration were the main reason why i abandoned this once was a pleasant place i call my lashing area. but now i am back just for fun. or maybe i need to do some emotional flushing. whatevs.
so, life nowadays is indescribable. to say it is bad is an overstatement and to say it is good is an understatement. so i can only say it has its ups and downs. workload is something that i wish to not talk about here as well as any other place in my life. it just causes me stress. so, what to write huh?
okie, actually, somehow i decided to become active. but i am regretting the whole decision now. what was i thinking when i said yes to those? was i mad, lost my mind? well, maybe because i think that my life nowadays is boring, so i should occupy it. NOT! huhu..

that is all, i am stuck. i cannot write any longer than those..

*emo*

I think too much..

My mental state at the current moment is on the edge of sanity. Somehow I am currently facing with one of the biggest stress I have ever felt in my life to date. To be honest, I have a lot on my mind but I just do not have anywhere to pour all the things out. I even got a sense that my depression is relapsing. Breaking down is becoming a regular. Seriously, I am scared. I am barely 21 and I have a lot to think and am toying with my mental health.

I got a lot of issues. But one major issue is covetousness or envy. Yes, I am full of envy in my heart. Ironic much huh? I always hear people coming to me and say that they envy me in some aspects but not to their knowledge, I am envious as well. Targets of envy? A lot actually. Mostly because of their lives. Especially those who have nothing to be worried and just destroy their lives or just live happily. Yes, my life is not happy, in my point of view at least. I want to be happy but I just cannot tell the lie to myself that I can be happy. Somehow, this time I let myself dwell in my sorrows. Sad. I know, even I feel the same.

I have so many wants, but all to never be fulfilled since I know I have to sacrifice a lot for others happiness. Let me be the one worrying while others sleep silently. Let me be the one bearing all the pain and hurt and others live happily. Let me support myself while they used up my part and denied me mine. Seriously, I am wallowing in self- pity most of the time. Poor Me. Stupid Me. Ambitious Me. Not-Worthy Me. I am sick!

Other issue would be my appearance. Yeah I hate it. I am fat and ugly and I need to look at that being every single day in the mirror. I try to avoid looking but I am just too conscious to not look in the mirror. I try to coax myself by saying there are other form of beauty and I am in one of it but sorry, I am too one- dimensional. Tried every single trick in the sick- ways- on- how- to –lose- your- weight book but to no avail. I am somehow thinking that maybe I am going to be ugly till the end of my life. Damn it.

Friends are another issue. I wonder why they repel from me. No, walk away from me. What happen to friendship? What? The ship sunk? I only have a few friends now. Those who are really care about my well -being and existence. Others, who use to claim me as their friends just decided to ditch in me in their life. Thanks so much for jumping aboard in the ship for a while and left some memories. Now, I need some time to erase all that. ‘Thank you’ so much! It hurts so much when the one who use to hang around with you decided that you are no longer in the list. Not even in the bottom of the list. Now they treat you worst than unknown stranger. Whatever it is, I hope I can keep the one I am having right now. They feel real and I hope they are.

Has been. This phrase has been haunting me for quite sometime now. It is the definition of what I feel about myself. A has been. I used to live on the other side of the coin where the live was beautiful and you are the main attention. But, that life is no more and now you are nothing. An analogy to a pebble by the roadside. No one cares about you and no one sees you. You are invisible. Light does not shine on you anymore.

I need help, counseling? I am training to be one. Ironic huh? A counselor –to- be but not being able to bear personal problems. I do not know what I need. At times, the thoughts of suicide make a visit and for quite a number of times, I let it stay. I know I should not, it is wrong in every sense. Luckily I still have my senses although at most time they are numb. Gosh, I need to sort these issues up because it used to not bother my studies but now it is. Damn it.

*Telling the world my problems is showing them how horrible and lame I am*

The exact replica..

So, I met this new person. To be honest, I found the person to be quite cute. Nothing great if compared to those who had came into my life before. But, nonetheless still possess same characteristics and charms that captivate my heart. Well, I can never go far from what I used to have since that is what we call as taste. So, they are similar but different in some ways. Obviously a different person.

However. It bothers me somehow that the person is looking like an exact replica of one of my friend’s ex. Do not worry, I have checked and nope, they are not the same person only that they looked the same. So, I am somehow in doubt whether to go forward or not with the whole thing since that friend of mine is so not over the ex.

What? It is not that I am scared that my friend will try to have the new person. It is the annoyance of constant repetition of your person looks like my ex and telling their so sweet love stories all over again. I cannot bear that! Plus, I am sure that the friend will be extra annoying by wanting to know what will we both do since that friend have some possessive issues. OMG, seriously, I do not know what to do.

So, the whole reason for me considering is not because of the new person and the flaws, but to avoid annoyance from a friend. Weird consideration right? Well, that is just me. I overanalysed everything.

*thinking*