Being so disorganized..

So, I am still at home as im writing this.. and I got a lot of assignments behind schedule.. and I cant do anything because I have no internet connection.. im so dead.. my work are piling up and I have no power at all to reduce it.. what I really need right now is internet connection.. this can help in greatly.. but unfortunately that is what I am lacking at the moment.. whatever.. I will utilize my time later to do my work.. last minute again I see.. although I had tried my best to avoid procrastination.. it still comes to me even when I avoid it..
Being at home means one big thing.. free food.. yup.. you don’t have to think about your bank account when you eat at home.. and with that, my appetite suddenly arose badly.. haha.. I cant stop eating.. surely I’ve gained a few kilos.. damn.. there goes all my hard work to get thinner..

Another thing is my outfit.. I just have no idea where are all my outfit has gone to.. they are not in the wardrobe.. so, I have to search everywhere just to find something to wear for the day.. and the search could take up to half an hour.. just imagine how messy and disorganized I am right now..
Note to self.. organize everything that I have soon.. very soon.. if not.. im so dead and I could get lost in my own way.. lol.. lame of me..

*disorganized*

(written on 25th Sept 2009)

Goodbye my love..

Looking at the title.. you guys could tell what is this post will be all about.. saying one of the hardest word to say.. Goodbye.. I hate the word because all it can give me is nothing but a feeling of your heart just got crushed into a thousand pieces.. tears start streaming down.. breathing gets harder and you feel suffocated in your own emotion.. especially when you say this to someone so dear to you before.. I don’t want to say this but I have too.. *** has made his choice to go oversea to continue his studies.. although we are nothing more than just a friend.. but.. it is still hurts badly.. maybe my love for him is still there.. I will never forget him.. he’s my comfort.. he was always there when im alone.. then, we went through a relationship that doesn’t last for long.. but the love never dies, I could never hate him.. and now, looking at him and his family at the airport.. there’s nothing much to say but all I could do was cry.. although he tried to comfort me like he usually does.. I cant stop crying.. and I don’t really care what other people think about me.. I cant stop myself.. I love him.. and that’s a fact.. while his parents looked at both of us.. with a very inquisitive look.. they kept quiet.. maybe they understand what was happening or they have no clue at all..he was trying his best to control his tears from flowing down.. I could see that.. but, he’s a man.. we hugged each other for more than 5 minutes when the calling for the flight was being announced.. he whispered me words of love and I .. I cant do anything but just cry.. then, when I could get a grip of myself.. I let go of him and say to him..

“ Goodbye my love.. find someone new there.. someone better than who I am.. forget about our love because it might cause you unhappiness.. just remember the good memories.. forget all the fights and cold treatment that we used to give to each other.. just remember one thing.. I love you and always will.. though we are not together but you will always have a place in my heart.. move on with your life okie.. im just a memory”

Then, I let him go fully.. he held my hand and grip it hard.. he then lean forward and give me one last kiss.. on my forehead.. but I could feel tears trickling on my skin as he kisses me.. and his heart pounded so hard until it was visible and audible.. then, he let me go of his embrace and lift his luggage and walked to his family to check in for the flight.. as he went down.. I looked at him and he looked back at me.. and then we hide our faces.. no more tears please.. I have cried enough.. then, I went home.. with his memory embedded in my mind..
Goodbye my love..

*moved on*

(Written on 24th Sept 2009)

On the way home for Raya..

Okie.. today im going to write about something that I have always expected it to be bad.. I always have a bad feeling about this particular stuff.. it is my going home ticket for Hari Raya.. from the first time I bought it, I got a feeling that something bad was bound to happen.. indeed it was true.. let me tell what happened to me.. a series of unfortunate events..

When I first hear about the fuss of getting going back home ticket.. I tend to ignore it because from my previous experience.. which was last year.. my ticket was only going to be sold two weeks before the holiday.. so, I thought the same will happened again this year.. damn.. I was wrong.. it was already sold.. by the time I went to get one.. the date left was a day before the Hari raya.. which was too bad but I have no choice.. so, I took the ticket on that day.. however, later I found out that there was a group of students who was selling tickets on the day before the date of my ticket.. the date that I have intended on booking before.. so, without hesitance, I bought the ticket.. now, I have two tickets of different dates but same destination.. and I chose to keep them both.. for god sake knows why.. in case of emergency I guess..

Then.. problems start to arise.. first, I need to change my ticket to another company.. the time now has delayed to another hour.. im still okie with it.. at least I could still go back to my hometown.. then, I received another phone call .. now, the boarding venue has changed.. okie, from somewhere near to somewhere quite far.. but im used to the place, so im okie with it.. they asked me to get the ticket by 7pm.. I thought my departure time would not be later than 9.. nope.. I was dead wrong.. my bus was scheduled on 11 pm.. 4 hours of doing nothing in a crowded bus station.. lol to myself.. then I went to get the info on my bus.. suddenly the counter lady asked me to get on a school bus.. yup, you heard me right.. school bus.. okie, although im not very satisfied but I accepted it..
Then the bus moved.. it used the jalan persekutuan.. not the highway.. which make the journey longer and slower.. I hardly got any sleep as the bus was rocking all the way through.. then it stopped in Ipoh.. some went down.. it continue its journey.. later, it reached Taiping.. then, everyone went down.. okie, this is weird.. I thought to myself.. then the driver asked me where am I heading.. I told him.. Penang.. and to my “delight”, he told me he’s not going there.. so, I was stranded in Taiping and have no idea what to do.. I then called my family and told them everything while trying to contain my anger at the same time.. damn counter lady.. im going to “thank” her later for this.. my family suggested me to go and check for the earliest ticket to either Penang or Butterworth.. luckily it was only an hour wait.. I paid for the ticket and head to Butterworth.. I managed to get some sleep in the bus.. it was way comfier than the other one.. later, we reached Butterworth.. I can smell the sea.. how I miss the scent.. I got down and looked for the jetty.. to add to my hardships, I went on the wrong way.. lol.. so, I have to make a whole turn around the terminal and go to the jetty.. I took the ferry and then went home.. finally, I reached home..

As you can see.. all these just to get home.. so, I very appreciate my home even more now.. lol.. hope none of you need to face these kind of hardships too.. check everything before going aboard..

p/s: I am so going to “thank” that counter lady..

*appreciate everything that I have*

(Written on 19th Sept 2009)

x sabar nk raya..

ini post bahasa melayu ke 3 aku.. hehe.. sronok gak ek tulis dalam bahasa ibunda ku ini.. lebih bebas utk aku berkat-kata.. wlu kdg2 kedengaran agk kasar berbanding ngan English.. tp itu sume luahan ati aku..

skrg ni aku sgt terseksa.. wlupn aku pi klas aku.. tp cuma jasad je yg ada.. roh aku dh ke tempat lain.. jiwa aku meronta-ronta nk balik umah.. aku dh x tahan dok kat cni.. aku nk balik, jumpa keluarga dan dpt tido secukupnya.. aku rindu sume org kat umah.. aku x penah ada mslh ni sblm ni.. mgkn btul org kata.. hati manusia akn berubah mgikut masa.. mgkn aku dh berubah.. aku semakin jd cam org yg dh bersedia utk ada keluarga.. dlu aku suka dok sorg2.. skrg.. aku btul2 perlukan keluarga aku..

aku dh shopping abis2 dh utk raya kali ni.. tp x la byk pn yg aku bli.. suma brg jualan murah.. tp kualiti sama je kan.. aku x leh blanja lebih2.. aku nk support dri sndri lg.. tgk org len shopping.. ngeri gak aku.. byk tul.. agk2 muat x bas tu nnt??

pape pn.. lantak la.. yg aku tau.. aku nk balik umah dan sambut raya kat sana.. dh lama aku x balik umah.. aku mmg nk balik sgt2..

*rindu*

facing the past..

meeting up with people from your past can bring a lot of outcome.. you might feel okie with it.. you might still bring the grudge from before.. or you might even feel happy and excited.. well, let just say.. i felt happy when i met someone from my past a few days back.. and it was at one of the place that i never thought i would ever see him.. actually, i dont really remember him already.. it has been a year since i last saw him.. two years since i last talked to him.. he used to make me do things that i never thought i dare to do just to please him.. haha.. i was immature at that time.. but all in all.. he used to play a role in my life.. and seeing him again doesnt really brings back anything because i decided to let his story remained in my unconscious mind.. i was shopping at that time.. i was resting and he came and approached me.. okie.. i was shocked to see him at first.. but i realised now we are nothing more than just mere friends.. so, we talked like how friends are supposed to talk to each other.. then, we were off doing our own matters.. talking to him was somehow nice as he is still as sweet as ever.. only the thing that is different is the emotion.. hehe.. let's not worry about the emotion so much.. what has passed, stay in past..

talking about past, i called *** a few days back.. i asked him when is he leaving for Aussie.. and he told me on the 28th.. okie, i wont be there if he were to go by then.. so, i made a silly request to ask him to bring the date forward.. he said he will talk to his dad about it.. about two days ago, he called me.. he said that he is going on the 24th now.. i was asking why?.. and he said because you wanted to.. okie, he would take serious what i said to him?.. this feels good.. haha.. so, i guess i'll be seeing him and sending him off later.. hope i could contain my emotion.. there has been enough tears that i have cried in the airport..

*inquisitive*

when things did not go the way you have intended..

okie.. today, i was thinking of finishing up my assignments which are quite a lot.. but i just could not find any way to do it.. for example, i wanted to go to the library to do some research, i ended up going to the bank with my friend.. and then spend about an hour to do some shopping.. arghh.. one chance is gone.. then, i went back home and one of my friend offered me his broaband for me to use it.. okie, i used it as im writing this.. the problem here is that all the necessary website cant be opened and some would come out as no longer available although i just browsed through it this morning.. and worst thing that happened today.. FB has been banned by the faculty.. OMG, how are we going to survive without FB.. it is part of almost everyone in the faculty's life.. i feel like part of my life essence is taken away.. huhu.. office people.. please has mercy on us.. bring back FB to us..

*messed up*

of disgust and feeling embarrassed..

recently, when i was browsing through the internet, i stumbled upon something so disgusting, i could not bear to read it for long.. okie, i was disgusted by both the content and the grammatical features.. the sentence structure is all haywired and the content make me feel like i would vomit anytime if i read it any longer.. can you imagine exposing something so personal about yourself on the net where everyone has access to it? OMG, i cant think of doing such thing.. it is fine when you share about life experiences.. but, personal life? i mean really personal.. nope.. i cant accept that.. and addition to my embarrassment, he exposed about his nationality and race and not forgetting religion of the author himself.. OMG again.. eeuww, u are not just jeopardising your own safety.. but the other people's who is in the same country, race and religion as you are.. God, please send that person some enlightenment so that he could think wisely and reconsider what is he doing.. damn, im super embarrassed right now.. and the sexual content of the posts are like beyond acceptable for someone who was born in the eastern community.. i am not saying that asian has the best culture, but we were raised with moral values and humility.. this person shows as if he got no shame left in himself.. we can be open minded, but to a certain extend only.. im not judging but something are wrong, and it remains wrong no matter from what angle we looked at it.. God, i hope some people just have something that we all call Mind inside the tiny little organ we call Brain.. it is vital to stop someone from behaving like beast in human body..

*disgusted and ashamed*

surviving without internet.. and more about life..

i did not go online for a few days.. okie.. 3 days to be exact.. i just wanted to test myself whether i am capable to live without internet in a long time.. and yes, i survived.. lol.. maybe i was too overwhelmed by other matters that happened in my life until i forgot about the internet world.. so now it make sense to me.. you will survive without the virtual world when your real world is taking control of your mind.. i just cant imagine that i did not long to get online in the past 3 days at all.. even today, as i am writing this post, my feeling to get online was not that strong.. im not addicted to internet anymore.. yeay to myself.. and life just got spicier these days.. with all the problems and new adventures in life yet to be resolve and explore.. life seems limitless.. haha.. i sounded like the boy in the story 'Sunrise at The Veld'.. and im so neutral right now.. i find mess with no one.. live my life at my own will.. just do thing according to what i feel is right.. feeling anguish with grammatical errors made by others.. but dont feel like correcting them as im not good as well.. my new life mission.. be a grammarian.. i dont like literature.. it will always be just pass for me then.. if more than that.. thank goodness.. let's hope for no failures.. i must graduate from this institution on time.. okie.. i think i've gone to deep in education.. BORING.. concerning other things in life.. let it comes naturally and do nothing with it.. im too busy to be thinking about those matters.. busy with what?.. study lor.. haha.. yeah right..

*feeling okie*

I dont want to get involved..

lately, there has been a rush of problems happening among my friends.. it is either among themselves or with others.. and i somehow got stuck in the middle.. i cant pick sides as i am their friend.. so, i stay neutral.. and i befriended everyone.. lol.. one thing i realised from observing them is stop meddling with other people's life.. people dont find mess with you if u dont mess with them.. and that is what i've been doing for the past years.. i dont care about others and i just listened to their problems.. advicing? never.. slap on the face with fact? yup.. some people wanted to help everyone in the world.. but news flash.. u cant do that all the time.. some people need to find solutions to their problems on their own.. we just listen and do nothing.. that is the best way.. unless u really think u are really credible in giving advice.. dont give any.. the best thing to do is just be urself.. care about urself.. mind ur own business..

*selfish*

after a whole night of thinking..

last night, i was attacked by extreme anxiety.. i went to mcD to hang out with my friends and yet i could not stay.. i almost fainted there.. then, rushed to my room which situated almost 1 kilometer from the place.. then, i turned on my laptop and watch the movie i had in my laptop.. okie.. it was ice age 3.. haha.. children movie.. then, i went to sleep in my room.. while lying down on my bed.. i keep on thinking why i feel sad with my current self.. is it because im alone.. or lonely.. or what?? i cant think of any reason why i feel that.. and i try to look it from different point of view.. and still i could not find a reason.. then, i come to my senses.. i dont have any reason to be sad.. im not bounded to anyone.. im a free agent.. i deserve to be happy.. i've done my crying.. and i've called *** last night.. at 3 in the morning.. and i realised im done with him.. no more love.. just friendship.. and we talked for about half an hour.. courtesy of supersaver.. yeah, from now on.. let be happy and live life to the fullest.. find new experience and become my old self again.. i love my old self..

*starting anew*

i dont smile that much nowadays..

usually, when people first see me.. they will always notice that im a bubbly person who always smile to everyone.. even if i dont know who that person was.. the guy who would talk and laugh his heart out at the jokes, without taking care of the surrounding.. a person who says whatever he wanted to say no matter if it would hurt anyone.. a person that is so firm and rigid, even a slight change can be argued for hours if things do not go his way.. but, that's all in the past.. now, im more reserved.. i dont smile that much.. always looked troubled.. very quiet.. especially in decision making.. care less about his surrounding.. to conclude all.. lame.. and my new self is somehow disturbing my friends as i dont contribute much in conversation anymore.. and i dont really care about what happened around me.. im so not centred to anywhere or anyone.. and one thing for sure.. im not as bold as before.. they say they miss the old me.. i miss him to.. i want him to come back.. but i dont know how..

*wanting my old self*

mood spoilers..

haish, recently i just sent my friend to the airport as he was leaving for Beijing to pursue his studies.. i promised myself not to cry but in the end i ended up crying.. he was very close to me.. one of my first few friends when i first arrived here.. so long and good luck BonBon.. love ya forever.. study hard k.. well, the problem here is not that.. but it was one of my friends word that causes me to have a terrible mood that day.. as i have already know that a friend of me and that person (for more information on 'that person', read february's posts) is about to aboard on the same flight.. my relationship with that person has been okie compared to back then although awkwardness still exists between us.. we just act naturally and talk occasionally.. but, suddenly this friend of mine ask for a picture of both of us together.. that made all the differences.. he started turning on his defensive mode and totally ignored me.. i bet he thought that i am still not over him.. damn you.. thanks for ruining my night.. although i dont really show that im badly troubled by what had happened but it bothers me the whole night.. and now i dunno whether i could face him anymore as im disturbed by the fact that he might think that im still not over him.. and the worst thing is that some of my friend thinks that it is nothing much.. but for me and him.. it's big.. we were just about to be friends again.. now, he seems so far from me again..

*disturbed*