Wednesday, March 30, 2011

emotional flushing..

this is actually a term i use with another friend of mine to say about the act of telling all you want about uncertainties, dissatisfactions, memories about the one you used to love to another friend in total, so that you could move on. it is like throwing everything in the cistern and flushing it down. hence the term emotional flushing. well, i have been doing this a lot with all my previous breakup, but for the recent one, i just did it last night. seriously, it helps ease up the burden i have been carrying for so long. in return, my friend, who is my emotional cistern is also flushing it all on me, because my friend also had just gone through a bad breakup recently. seriously, i never thought that something i developed when i was younger is still applicable until now. the drill is like counseling session only that this time no consideration should be made, you just need to pour out feelings and what ever is bugging you and then when you think it is over, you are entitled to end the session. that simple. you have the control.

the topic for emotional control may vary from love (the most common) to life matters, financial and even study. so yeah, last night session comprises all topic. we even talked about crazy idea what to do during this holiday. well, it is more to an emotional vacation than an emotional intervention actually this method is. but whatever it is, it has been great help to me and i think you guys should try it too..


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Conflict within me..

I am a peaceful person. Yeah, it is true. Seriously, I am not bragging. Instead, at times, I wonder why am I like this. I am usually the one who choose to back out if a fight or conflict is about to happen. If people are insisting me to do things, then I will adhere to it without many questions. I am always at the losing end. Why? It is because I want to avoid conflict and confrontation. All the heartache, I just keep it in my heart. Once in a while, explosion might happen and I must say that explosion is usually so controlled until no body realizes it. Yes, I am a peaceful person and I hate conflicts.

But now, another conflict is about to happen and the trigger is me. Seriously, I am somehow terrified by what would happen. Hence the conflict within myself of how long should I hold this conflict from becoming true. If I wait for too long, than it will be too late and bigger conflict shall happen, and if I tell them now, conflict will happen and I will still need to see them. So, I am in the losing end again. For any of the choices. To be honest, I am dumbfounded by the current situation. Gosh, how I wish life is so easy and I do not have to think about a lot of stuff.

*conflicting ideas*

Sunday, March 27, 2011

bad is good, good is bad.

it is sunny today. okie, too sunny actually. the sun is so bright, i dont feel like going anywhere. to even get out from my house. worst still, my own room. i just dont feel like doing anything indoor. and people say sunny day as good weather day. how ironic it is with what i am feeling inside. to be honest, i dont really like the sun since it gives my skin a great sore. i just wish it is not so hot. besides, most of my bad memories happened on great sunny days by the beach. see? i dont get it why people call it good.

i like rain. but people call it bad weather. why? because you can do things outside. who says? i love to play in the rain. once i played and i almost catch pneumonia. but i just dont care. for me, rain is not the cry of the sky, instead, each droplet is the tears of joy. i can recall a lot of great memories i had in the rain. i love the feeling when the water hits my head and make me feel like i should be more care less. yes, i love the rain and i think the rain loves me to.

yes, i get it when you say that you cannot go out when it is raining and not a lot of activities could be done like strolling around in the city, shopping, observing people, but you cannot do that in bright sunlight too. i dont think people would even consider to go out if the weather is too hot. hence, the best weather for me is... cloudy with a chance of both: sunny or rainy day..


Saturday, March 26, 2011

turning point..

i am about to make another decision in my life. a decision that may hurt others but pleases me. i dont know what to expect but i think i am determined. now, the focus is me and not other people. i had enough putting people before me and finally end up in sufferings while others rejoice in my defeat. it is time for me to get firm and finally withdraw my self from this S&M game. i am a masochist. i hurt myself to feel alive. but now, i cannot bear the pain anymore. my senses have return and it is advising me to think about myself and stop enslaving myself. yes, i am a slave to circumstances but now i am fighting for my independence. i shall be my own Abe.

*freedom from lies*

Thursday, March 24, 2011


see how atrocious is the language of my title. well, that is little if compared to what has happened today. during the meeting. language was all over. i dont think what we said just now could be considered as a legible language. it is as if we were creating a new creole. gosh, it was atrocious and i seriously is ashamed of it. then, in the meeting, content-wise, was horrible. things that are unnecessary made necessary and vice versa. gosh, i dont know how am i ever going to go to that class again. seeing the lecturer who constantly trying to understand and laughing on occasions is not cool. huhu, to be frank, i am terrified and sad by it. huhu

oh, then today i saw Tower. it has been a while since i last saw Tower. i thought people say, when you dont see someone for long, the heart will go fonder. well, not in my case. i saw Tower and all i do was look and no giddy and crazy blush on my face. yeah, i realised that i dont fancy Tower as much as before. to be honest, i treated Tower just like any other by-passers. ohmegosh, have i lost the feeling for Tower? well, in that case, it is actually a good thing. huhu. finally moving on. from that no-future-crush-of-the-lifetime-to-date.

later today i had to do my expose for my french class. gosh, i rapped through the presentation. omg, it was so fast and i was so nervous, i just speak quickly. in French! even my lecturer asked me to slow down. yes, my pronunciation was not bad (made a mistake though T0T) but it was so fast. what do you expect? i was not prepared and i came up with instantaneous sentences..

so, those are ohmegosh moments of the day. OHMEGOSH!

*damnation is near* T0T

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

of being a child..

i dwell in the adult life too much. i think it is time for me to be a child again. and that is what i have just done. well, actually it involves an assignment actually. noticed how this few weeks the main theme of everyone post is assignments? okie, sorry for straying away. back to the story, i, at first thought of doing the usual powerpoint presentation like i always do in class. however, it came to me today that what if i make a different? what if i do things i used to do when i was young and computer is something rare and only accessible to the rich and wealthy? there it was, i went out to buy supplies and start doing it.. drawing plan on a piece of manila card and start colouring it. in the end, i am satisfied with the output although it is so childish and the drawing is beyond perfection on the other axis. haha here's the product..

okie, i am proud of my inner child.. you are great.. haha :P

*love it*

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


I am someone who tries my best to avoid this word. However, I am just a human and along the way, problems just need to visit me and the visit was never friendly. Most of the time, it is harsh and long. Like a visitor who is just do not know when to go back home, keep on being at your home although you have given signs that they have stayed for too long. Well, problems are like that too me. Nuisance visitor.

Seriously, this time around the visit is just too long. It made my head not functioning as well as it should be. Depression made a visit too. But at least it knows it does not belong here anymore. I stated it clearly on the door of my emotion that I don’t need it anymore. But for a few days yeah, I was blanketed by it. Luckily it went away. But problems, it just keep on lingering until to a point where I feel like screaming my lungs out asking it to go away but I know that will just result in vain.
So. Problems, I know you will haunt me maybe till the next few weeks, I just hope I have enough will power to withstand you. In the meantime, play your usual game; I will not care.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

i should have not done it..

i cannot sleep right now. i am very much bothered by what i have done. what have i done? do not i know that toying with someone's feeling is not good and been played before, have not i learned anything? gosh, people, please kick some senses in me. and the reason for my action? none since i am doing it for fun sake. gosh, i feel so evil right now. i feel as if i am betraying someone, worse, myself.

it all started with that stupid message from a friend of mine. not really that close but we have shared stories, so the friend is in the circle. the message stated that the friend wants to be with my ex. not just any ex, my first ex. the one that was my benchmark, the reason i could not find anyone for the next one year plus, the one that first changed me, the one that was the hardest to let go, the reason for my Katy Perry period. yup, the first ex. to be frank, at first, when i read the message, i was not mad or feeling anything since i have moved on from the person. besides, i am still not yet move on from my current breakup, which is sadly last november. then, the friend called asking for confirmation whether it is okie. friend, over there, you just step out of your borderline. i am a nice person but when you pushed me too far, i retaliate. and that is just what i did. anyway, i say it is okie for them to be together. like i would even care. i am over you by the way.

it came to me what if i just give that ex a simple phone call. well, our friendship(?) has been rough this last years since that ex ask for space and want to start acting like ex-es. you know what that means? well, you hate each other, can look in the face, due to all the memories and stuff. whatta? anyway, i made an innocent phone call this afternoon. let me repeat, innocent phone call to the ex number. anyway, i was just testing since the person used to not answer my call. but, i was using my other number and the person answered it. started with a simple hello and immediately recognised the voice. gosh, like seriously you still remember? i thought after those years, i shall be forgotten. it looks like no. haha. then we talked about everything. about the current relationship and what has happened. is it me or all my ex just love to ask me if there is any that i am interested in? why? do i look like someone who needs relationship all the time? no i am not. the talked went on to a lot of other topic like studies, life and stuff. got low on credits later, so i hung up. politely. with prior notice.

but it did not stop there, the ex called me. this time around doing the usual thing the person usually does when calling me back then. the i-dont-love-you-on-the-mouth-but-i-am-in-love-with-you-deep-inside kind of thing. how do i know this? well, being with the same person for two years and a half and suffered 4 major breakups with the same person will teach you quite a number of things about that person. i got thrilled by the game. call me evil but i said yes to the game offer. haha. gosh, i feel so bad. i know i should not be doing this but i think i am trapped in the game i started. and i dont have the authority now. we both do. haha. i just want to see how far will this go. to reconcile? nah, i dont feel like it. lesson learned. hehe

to my dear friend, sorry if i disturbed your relationship. blame it on yourself for telling me and made me think of the ex again. i do not mean to do a lot of harm, just a little. call me evil, well, i am. haha. do not worry. i am in no intention of stealing your current partner. only that, your partner was mine and i still have influence on the person.

*guilty pleasure*

Saturday, March 19, 2011


that will be the word of the day. want to know why? because a lot of things finally happened today. one of the main is i finally go to KL to just have an outing with friends. yeah, it was fun and tiring as well. being in my room all this while has kill my stamina for endurance shopping. haha. went to quite a number of stores, mostly sell clothes and seriously, they are cheap and beautiful. how i wish i could buy all and wear them. man, wanted to buy bag but dont know why, i chose not too. maybe not really a good bargain. nevermind, next time it is.

then, i finally meet Joy, my friend from before. she was shopping with hmm hmm i dont know for clothing too. just a brief meeting n no catching up were done. we just talked a bit, introduce the unknowns, talked and then moved on to shopping again. it was nice though meeting here.

then, i finally eat froyo. just so you know, froyo is FROzen YOgurt. see? okie, back to the story. spend an amount of RM25 for it but worth every cent. love the taste. it was very raspberry and cookies and cream. with nata de coco, strawberry and kiwi topping. yummeh! me want more. haha.

finally, i got Natasha back. just in case yo guys are wondering, Natasha is my bike. it has been away from me for quite sometime now. well, blame it on my laziness. i just dont feel like going to the distance just to have her back although i really need her. but now, she's back and girl, i am gonna treat you right.. haha..

that is all i want to say about the day and the word finally. till soon


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

miserable tuesday..

today is the worst day ever.. to date that is. can you imagine shitty things keep on happening to you non stop. omg, i am seriously surprise that i chose to continue living, not to put it to an end at some point. because any normal human i dont think can handle the amount of mishaps that have happened to me. like seriously.

today started with me waking for a class that was cancelled. thanks for the no intention of telling it to me friends, i seriously love you guys. then, with that swollen eyes due to not having enough sleep, i am remembered of something that i am not fond of, writing a poem that need to be hand in by tonight. seriously, it is no fun when you have limited vocab and creativity. gosh, it was tiring thinking of one, imagine 3 of it. luckily i finished it.

then, in class, i learned the hard truth about my subject. man, i wish i had never enrolled in this course. like seriously. i dont like planning. i am a free soul. then, in another class, i was criticized for being 'slow' in the making of the anthology for my Sastera class. whatta? i dont even see my classmates often, how am i supposed to do the work? who nominated me to be the editor in the first place. damn, i hate everything about that class. okie, maybe not everything, something but most of it.

then, today i decided to eat less. just once a day. reason: to save money and lose weight. well, guess what? i lost more money. all due to the Sastera class. i missed the last bus, had t take a cab, when i pay, the cab driver do not have any change. so i have to just pay with extra money. gosh, saving just failed. if i had known this would happen, i could have just eat. DAMN!

seriously, i am anguish right now. i am in no position for any fun. i am feeling the hate that the world is giving me. thanks so much for all the hardships. makes me wonder, why am i still alive? to be a toy to the situation?

*mad as hell*

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Of losing weight and gaining it..

People keep on asking me to lose more weight. I want it too. But seriously it is hard to do so. Okie, I had tremendous weight loss before, like 28 kilos in a few months. However, I was an anorexic back then. I eat like seriously little and I could say far from satisfactory. However, I feel full due to the anorexic mindset. Omg, if only you guys know how hard it is to get out from anorexia nervosa. I even had a counseling session from my mum since she had been seeing me not eating at all. But that was all in the past.

Now, I am fat. Like seriously fat. I do not like it. I prefer the skinny me more. Well, I was never real skinny, even during anorexia, I was more to love (haish, I hate this phrase like from the moon and back) but now, I am just fat. I need to lose weight but the situation is not really supportive. Tension increases weight. Fact. I live in a stressful environment. Fact. Hence, I am fat. Fact also. Huhu, losing weight is so difficult.

Once, I had a thought of resorting back to anorexia. Luckily someone talked to me and made me back on my senses of how bad is anorexia. Hey, I know all the fact about anorexia but I just feel like doing it. It gives me happiness by going up on the scale and look at my weight going down, and down and down. I want that again to happen to me.

Huhu, now I am searching for the best way to lose weight and how to feel full for long. Hope going to find one soon.


Getting nowhere with work..

OMG, what is happening to me? I got a pile of work to be finished and I have yet to finish any! Whatta? Okie, when I say pile, I don’t mean a small stack okie, I mean like a lot, like real a lot, and I am to no intention in doing it. What? Blame it on lack of inspiration? That can only be applied to blogging, not work. Work do not really need inspiration (notice the ‘really’ in the clause, work do need a little inspiration) but mostly it is input transformed into legible output. Now, I am not doing any, instead, I am blogging about not doing any!

Okie, because of this worrying situation (I shall name it situation, a problem becomes a problem when you call it a problem) I am seriously teriified thinking about my final results. What will become of me? Will I achieve DL again this semester? OMG, I am scared to death only that I am still breathing hard. Damn, I do not know what to expect. I hope everything turns out well in the end. I really hope. In the mean time, I am very much terrified, by all the possibilities that might happen.


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Update: Island work+vacation

I have not been updating this blog for quite sometime now. Well, all due to deprivation of inspiration. Okie, anyway I want to tell you guys about my work + vacation at an island recently. Actually it is a class trip and it is for a course assessment. But hello, you are on a vacation island, will you do your work only and not have fun? Never. That was what happened. Oh, by the way, it was Pangkor island. For those who have no idea (like seriously?), just google it up. I do not feel like putting up facts in here since this is my blog, not an information counter. Hehe.

Oh, actually before I went there, I got this uneasy feeling in my stomach saying that something bad is about to happen. Well, I was the program committee member and I seriously was worried if the program fails and disrupt my marks. Luckily, my doubt was not satisfied. It was a success, although by a little margin. We did increase the students’ self confidence and they can talk in front of crowd now. It was a good improvement in them and an indicator of successfulness of our program. All in all, I am happy with the program.

Now, let’s talk about the vacation part. OMG, my days were filled with seawater. Yes, I am constantly in the sea, exposing my skin to the sunlight and trying my best to get a good tan, but to no avail. Looks like melanin don’t really work in my body. I am still as fair as before, if darker, maybe on very low level. Like a cup of milk added with a teaspoon of coffee. That dark. Haha. Then went for a 15 minutes shopping spree at the jetty to buy sea products. Went there for 3 days 2 nights.

To be honest, it was a good breakaway from SA. For once, I could forget all my problems here. Being back in my element (the sea) is so good, it feels great and it made me realize why I love my hometown. Sea is great. It holds calmness and secrets. Among them are mine.

*slightly calmer*

Thursday, March 3, 2011

okie, i think i have accepted it..

after days of agonising pain of self loathe and self blame, i finally come to my senses that it is all fated. there is a lesson that i need to learn behind all those bad experiences. however, i am still thinking about it. i have yet to come to the revelation. whatevs, seriously i am tired and bored of thinking about it. let bygones be bygones and as a person, i need to move on with life. so, negativity put aside, hello new experiences. however, i am still going back to my hometown next week just to find some comfort there. i need a break like seriously.

today it came to me that maybe i will find a replacement piece for the lost lappy. this time, the financial support is from no ne but yours truly. what? i lost something and i need to repay it. even though the loan is from my mom. hmm, check out some new ones and i think i fell in love with one. but that is still in consideration. i cannot say much since i am having not that many financial strength. huhu. sad truth.

so, yeah, i dont want to go around breaking down for no reason anymore. well, actually there is reason. okie, no more breaking down. let's start a new emotion collecting and once it is unbearable, explode again just like what has happened. haha, let just hope not in near future okie.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Tests in life..

I don’t know why, but most people said that the latest bad incident that happened to me is a test from God. Really? Well, if that is the case, He has been quite persistent in giving me tests. Non-stop since I was a young chap. Seriously, this time around I seriously could not handle the stress. Suicide, runaway, pact with the dark side, losing my religion, all have came to my mind. Seriously, I dot know if I can ever handle this time around.

The bigger question I kept on asking since the day the last incident happened is why me? Is it because I know all the rules in the religion and I chose to defy most of it? Or does God demands for my obedience towards Him? Or is God just seeing me as an interesting subject to be played with. Another interesting fact about all these ‘test’, it happens just after I learn to love the things. For example, my new lappy, just few weeks after I splurged a large amount of money to buy its accessories, then it was stolen. The same goes for the previous one. Then, when I was young, when I start to love my dad more, and on one of my most important day, the exam of my favourite subject, he fell sick. Then, on the day I was sick and my mom was asked to leave his side, he passed away. Seriously, I still feel guilty for stealing the last moment between my mum and my dad. I kept on asking God why you make me the cause of their separation. I still remember the sadness in her face. Seriously, I still feel guilty.

So, that is it. I seriously don’t know why am I so called being tested like consistently. And everytime I am being tested, something I love will be taken away. Maybe that is the reason why I hate my life, if I love it, I might lose it. I may sond like someone who does not believe in God anymore eright? Well, I am still figuring things out..

*seriously I am wondering*