Friday, July 30, 2010

I finally figured out..

This week has been nothing but exposition. It has exposed me to my inner self, more than I usually try to do on my own. It started with the death of my grandma, a very sad and rather regretful thing or event to happen in my life. Sad, of course because I lost someone so dear to me, a woman who give birth to my mom, who used to be a replacement parents for me when my parents were not near and of course, someone important in my mother’s life, a woman who had shaped her into who she is today. My grandma is important in our family to the limit. Regretful, since I last met her was a few months back. How I wished I have met her more recent. I went back and attended the funeral. It was a sad and rather full of cries and tears. There were several heart touching moment to me especially the time when my granduncle was reciting the Talkin (a ceremony in muslim’s death), can you imagine how hard it was for a brother who regards his sister more than just a sister, but also a mother, to say goodbye and farewell to the sister? It was hard for him, that I am sure. I love kissing my grandma, I am among a few of her grandchildren who actually kiss her willingly (you know, when we grow older, we tend to be embarrass to do so) and kissing her forehead for the last time is just …. I am at loss of words to express my feelings. I realized one thing back then, I do have feelings. The soft emotional side of me still works.

Then, about Tower, I have realized that there is no point in chasing the person anymore. I will never get Tower, that is for sure. We lived in different world and there is no way Tower would ever consider me to be dearly to ***self. Although my existence is to acknowledge, but there is no way we are in the same league. So, I think it is about time for me to back off and move on. I am going to bring down the Tower to make space for new development. You know what I mean.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

happy in the past, tears in present and fear in future..

what am i thinking when i was writing this title. it is memories. yup, memories of all the happiness that you have in the past is one of the greatest thing. it reminded you of how fun things used to be, how free was life and how innocent you were back then. it brings nothing but that warm feeling in your makes you want to turn back time and live in that moment. forever. without needing to grow up and face the future, the reality. this was inspired during a sit at Dc, a place that used to be the 'it' place for us.. the place where we met each other, making new friends. meeting new people, celebrate any occasion in our life back then. a place that used to be a place of friendship and relation, since we were far from family and all we have were each other. that time was full of laughter, every journey was an adventure and exploring was the main idea of existence. now, it all has changed..

now, the place is like a desert.. dead and soulless.. no more laughter, no more people hanging out doing things together, and seriously, no more laughter. what is left is a place with extreme commercialisation. sitting there, looking at the current state of the place, it brought the sad feeling in my heart to resurface and hoped for things would never had changed. but that is just too good to be true..

upon looking this, it makes me wonder, will the future be better or worse than its current state. will happiness ever find a place again in the hearts of the young and will exploring be the 'in' thing again. it alo make me feel that maybe i have grown up and it is about time for me to let go of all those memories and move forward, let it be into a world of better experience and new memories to e created or orse. i am betting on the earlier but made very preparation for the later. whatevr it is memories is a beautiful thing to recall, but just too good to live in..

*reminiscing about the happiness in the past can bring tears in the present and fear in the future*

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

dont know what to feel..

okie, malay proverb would say, "yang dikejar x dapat, yang dikendong berciciran" summarized my whole situation right now. yup, the one i chased is nothing near reach and the one i have, or i thought would love to have me, is totally, i mean fully, ignores me. so now, i am at loss. no one else to blame but yours truly. okie, now i know what it means by do not chase those who you love, but find someone who loves you. in my case, i realised about this fact a little, not a little, by a semester that is, too late..

as i was busy trying to chase for the person i wanted, who else, Tower of course, paid full focus on Tower and closed my sight for other options. little that i know that the person who has been checking me out is not as bad. well, i would say the person is well equipped. cars, cute face, brain capability and not to mention charm is enough for me. but, stupidly, i dis the person to chase something beyond reach. now, more than ever, i wish i could turned back time and say "let's try".. instead of just dissing without trying to know any better. how i regret that now..

man, i wish i was not that stupidly loyal okie. i am loyal by nature, not by will. i pay attention on one, and never to many. oh, how i wished this is not part of me. as for now. im healing my heart again. man, my life is nothing but a never ending process of healing and mending broken heart. my own heart that is..


Wednesday, July 14, 2010


today i decided to come to the faculty earlier than usual although my house is right in front of the fac.. dont really have any idea why but it just came to my mind that coming early might be a good idea since i was late for that particular lecturer's class twice and she is not happy with latecomers. so, i readied myself up and start my industrious journey to the place i will soon learn to love again.. my cute, humble and small faculty. as i arrived at the fac, i realised that a friend of mine was already there. as a friend, i went up the stairs and greeted her. she was surprised to see me and said that she has contacted me to tell me something important.. not to others but me.. she bumped into TOWER!!! WHAT?! dont tell me Tower is back.. man, how i miss the sight of that ever so tall Tower. but i said to her, maybe it is for the better that i did not bump into Tower. just as i was saying that, Tower walked pass the usual route he would use. OMG!! my knees were weak and i hardly able to stand. my heart pounded hard and i found it hard to catch my breath. man, you're good. Tower. No one ever succeed in making me wither like that before. and after that i could say my feelings were alleviated. and i smiled all the way through that rather treacherous class..

then, i decided to go and buy something for that stupid subject that i wish would never need to take it but that is just too good to be true. but OMG, i was lucky since i got to get on the free shuttle bus all the time. no money were paid except once in the main campus where i took a normal bus, but with my friend's bus pass (thank Dyds!) all expenses paid by not a single cent. and once i arrived there, to my horror, the lunch hour just began and i have to wait for at least an hour and a half.. luckily found a friend (thanks Teha) to talk to and fill in the wasted time. could i say something about the place that i have went to buy that particular stuff?? SAD and A BIG MESS!!.. i just cannot believe they handle formal meeting at a place like that. finally, the counter is opened and i get myself the stuff, which was a shirt and a cap.. HIDEOUS!! enough said..

finally, went back to the fac as i left everything here and need to see my friend to return his pass, i saw a familiar face with a twist. he is still the boy i knew from before but he has lost his famous messy LOCKS.. OMG!! locks as in hair, not keys.. and i just went to him and asked what happened to the hair and he replied "balik Umrah".. fine.. nothing else i could say..

so, today is so full of that particular phrase.. huhu..


Saturday, July 10, 2010

i have seen a bit.. and it is not for me..

sometimes, the things that you see in just a short period of time can change your whole perspective about something. that is what i feel after spending a night with some of my friends and experience their way of life. a life i thought i wanted. but now, maybe not at all..

a life of free living, a life of no worries, a life of nothing but fun. a life where you can be who you really are, be with whoever you want and find people of the same 'interest'. a life where you never think about the future, only now and then. life that is for me , too good to be true.

as my friends were driving me back home, it came to my mind that this is not the life i wanted. i wanted something with more prospect. i want my life to be meaningful, not just wasted. i want to be more than just a waste of space on this world. go ahead if you do not want to take me there anymore, i am okie with it. it is just not the life i would imagine myself going. im going the other way, not that way. no offense, not that i am saying that life is bad (although from some point it is), but it is not for me. i serve a purpose in this world and i shall fulfill my purpose.

sorry people, not for me..


Thursday, July 8, 2010

please fill the hollow..

my heart is now slightly at peace. i am not as disturbed as before. maybe the slap of reality, especially in terms of economics, has filled in my mind has made me forget about what has been bothering me for the past few days. but the sorrow stays as it surely would take some time for my heart to finally let go that feeling to Tower.. yes, without question, Tower is the reason for the whole dreadful situation. the absence hurts like hell. the absence kills me inside. the absence make me absent-minded. the absence erases relevance.

the hollow in my heart needs filling. the best option would be the option i have chosen for years, none others but studies. i will study and try my best to distract myself from thinking about anything involving the matters of the hearts. it is just too much for my heart to bear. books and notes will be my companion in life for now. i am just tired of heartbreak now. give me time to heal and fill in the hollow in my heart.

*trying to read*

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

jiwa kacau..

aku nak tulis dalam bahasa melayu sebab aku rasa aku lebih senang nak luahkan perasaan aku bila tulis dalma bahasa melayu. walaupun aku sedar aku dah agak berkarat dalam menulis dalam bahasa melayu, tapi aku nak tulis gak. suka hati la. haha.. tp akan terselit jugak la english dua tiga ketul and bahasa melayu x capai piawaian sbb ni la cara aku ckp and menulis msg kat phone (msg aku lg pendek la..)

okie, sejak beberapa hari lepas, aku xleh tido owh. xtau nape, jiwa aku cam kacau gile. kadang-kadang tetiba je aku rasa nak nangis la, nak dok diam-diam la, nak lari satu padang la dam macam-macam lagi perasaan yang selalunya aku xde. dan aku xtau nape. sakit ati owh ble kita sakit tp kita xtau nape kita sakit. lagi-lagi lak masalah hati dan perasaan.

satu benda yang pasti, aku mmg xde mood nk belajar (lg) sem ni. aku cam tggu masa berlalu je supaya hati aku cakap dah tiba masa aku belajar balik. buat masa sekarang, hati aku tgh kacau. kacau tahap nak gile aku klu bnde ni berterusan. plik owh, xkan bru dua sem aku belajar, otak aku dh x center. ke sbb aritu cuti xnak igt lak sampai 2 bln so bukak je sem bru dh mmg xde mood dh nk blajar. bygkn aku,. budak yang jrg nk risau psl bnde len selain belajar ttbe ilang minat nk belajar. ni mesti ada something, tp aku xtau pe dia. okie, mmg la result aku last sem agak membanggakan although xde pape present pun aku dapat (jap, td bru dpt hadiah, thanks Tikah). papepun, good grades slalunya motivate, bukan demotivate. tu yang aku x phm nape aku jd camni. secara langsung, hal ini tambahkan lg kekacauan jiwa aku.

adakah sbb seseorgtu dh xde ke aku jd xde motivasi ni? ntah la, mgkn gak kot. dlu sbb bdk tu la aku ye ye nk gi fac, tp skrg, umah depan fac pn, aku pndg sepi je fakulti tu, dh macam penjara lak aku tgk. tmpat yg aku xleh nk escape and terpakse tggal utk beberapa lama lg. 3 tahun lg.

papepn weh, skrg ni jiwa aku mmg tgh kacau.. klu dgr aku jerit ttbe tgh2 malam tu bkn bnde plik la.. dh bese gak la kekawan aku dgr.. tlg aku.. tenangkn jiwa aku..


Monday, July 5, 2010

Hmm.. Ermm..

okie, it is the beginning of the new semester. one thing that i could say about this whole situation is i am so not totally excited about it. i do not know why am i having such a feeling, all i feel right now is a mixture of underwhelm and overwhelm intertwined together simultaneously. besides, i feel a great sense of loss and to be honest, no offense to anyone, i am consumed by loneliness most of the time. i just feel lazy and tired and totally lack of proper amount of adrenalin. i just could not find my drive to work this semester.

at times, i feel like crying as tears have been loyal companion of me and never fail me when i really need them. however, i know crying will do me no good, instead it just make it worse. it will do nothing but make me fall deeper into the abyss of negative feelings. seriously, i am speechless, hopeless and useless in managing and maneuvering through this troubled time of my heart and emotion. i think, nobody can heal me, but me. or maybe there is somebody meaningful enough.... Hmm.. Ermm

*emotion over cognitive*