Sunday, December 27, 2009

This is about Them..

This post is meant for those who had came in my life.. and teach me a thing or two about life.. and love.. this post is written to say the unspoken words that I never say when I was with them.. I just want to write this just to share with others about how they have helped me into becoming the person I am today..

First up, the first 4 in my life..

K- you taught me the most important game in life, that is love.. you were my first love.. you show me how great life can be when you have someone to hold, someone who understands you, someone who love you.. you also teach me the most painful lesson in my life, that is facing betrayal and infidelity.. nevertheless, you show me life is not always a bed of roses, but it can be full of sharp thorns along the way..

S- you show me how a sweetest thing can be the hardest thing to handle in life.. you make me do the unthinkable and go beyond my limitations.. you have shown me that life is fun and I should not restrict myself too much.. anyway, I have to let you go for our own good.. there are things more important than love dear.

I- one lesson that you have taught me is that love can be forced.. im sorry I never get to know you well but Im just not meant for you.. no matter how hard you push it, I don’t want to go far..

J- firstly, I must say I never love another girl like I love you.. you show me love exceed any boundary.. you gave me the biggest heartache I ever felt in my life to date.. you even shaped my decision.. you teach me that sometimes, the ultimate love act is to let go the one you love the most for his or her happiness..

Then, my life took a different route.. I was introduced to another world that is full of uncertainty and jealousy.. not forgetting backstabbing and stealing.. but it is not all too bad.. it also teach me about the freedom of choice.. choosing something so wrong and making it right in our own senses..

The next 5..

Am- you show me love can happen if you really try.. you were my friend since forever and finally you got me.. and you are the hardest for me to let go.. you made something so wrong look so right.. you changed my perspective.. you changed who I am.. you create the new me.. although I refuse you at first, finally I realized, I want you more than anything else.. you were my friend, partner and lover.. you made me accept things that I used to keep a distance from.. you made me sacrifice everything just for you.. you set the benchmark for the people who came later.. you are the reason for most of my tears.. let it be joy or sadness.. you complete me.. but I have to let you go.. we know it from the beginning it was never do or die..

Kimi- you taught me one thing, I could be a relationship destroyer.. I was the third person in your relationship.. although I love you as much as you love me, I have to let you go for my principle is firmer than my love for you.. I shall never be the third person in a relationship that is true as mine is as vague as an image in morning fog..

Kh- one thing that reminded me of you is trust.. trust is the fundamental of a relationship.. without trust, no relationship could last since you were full of doubt.. besides, trust in yourself is also important because you can’t trust others when you did not trust yourself..

***- just one word for you.. confusion.. for most of the time.. I never know what am
I to you.. sometime you treat me as if im the most important person.. but sometimes you don’t want to be associated to me at all.. until now, sometimes I wonder what was I to you..

SA- the wait for me was so meaningful.. and everything that you have done for me is the most beautiful thing a person have done to me.. sorry I never put all this in words.. sorry for the bad treatment I gave you all the time we were together.. you were my comfort, my crying shoulder.. the person who understands me inside out.. willing to trouble yourself as long as im happy.. im glad I have you before.. and your voice will always be in my mind..

These are the people who had been in my life and make me who I am today.. more to be in the list later in life but maybe the list stops here.. nobody knows about it.. only Him..

*wow ex-es*

Tuition= Success?

So, a few days ago was the day where those who have taken the PMR examination finally get their results.. some go home with tears of joy.. while some with disappointment.. some just don’t care and has already start planning for next year schooling term.. whatever your results are, I would like to congratulate all of you.. you have done your best and that is what you should get.. no points of regretting.. although me myself did not really follow my own advice ( I wept for a whole week for getting a B in my result).. life goes on after that..

One issue that has got me into writing this is extra emphasis that has been put on tuition as a factor for success.. it is up to an extent where for some, not being able to go to tuition centre has been a great disappointment.. it really bothers me as I am a student who never went for any tuition centre and still got a result that can be proud of.. although it is not extraordinary, but it is enough to please me.. I did get an offer to study abroad, which I turned down due to passion.. I have a friend who did not go for any tuition and still manage to come out with flying colours and currently pursuing his studies in prestigious tertiary education centre in Australia..

Tuition is not the reason for success.. it is just a catalyst but if you work hard enough, or smart enough, you could always achieve success just like others who went for tuition.. remember, in scientific reaction, reaction still occur even without catalyst.. only it takes a longer time.. to increase the reaction time, just put more chemical in it or put a catalyst.. the chemical here metaphorically represent your effort.. put more effort, and you are just the same.. so, get rid of those thoughts that if you have tuition, you will succeed, and if you don’t, you’ll not going to be as good.. tuition just help, the main factor is you..

*this thing has stuck in my mind for ages*

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

to marry or not?

recently, while eating with my family members.. a case of marriage was sudddenly arisen out of nowhere.. and i accidentally spurt out that im not intending to get married plan in front of my mom, aunts and sisters due to the responsibilities that a husband holds which was overbearing for me.. although my mom did not say it directly, but i can see it in her face.. she was somehow disappointed with my point of view.. sorry ma, never meant to hurt you but that is just what im feeling.. according to the religion, husbands hold the responsibility of taking care of the wellbeing of the family.. and the wife is just raise the children with help from the husband.. that means chores go under the job of husband.. and if the husband is capable, he should hire a helper to assist the wife in doing houseworks.. because of that, i start seeing marriage as a big burden to men.. but, i do have plan i marrying someday in he future.. maybe because of love or just continuity of mankind.. but will i handle the burden nicely.. I dunno..

*still not wanting to marry*

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Copycats and shadows.. beware of them

This is one issue that haunts many of us.. especially if we are famous.. although im not.. no matter what field are you in.. as long as you are famous and grab all the attention, there is a tendency for some to copy your way.. or just live under your shadow.. in hope of getting the same attention or credits like you.. this group of people can be only a single person or a group.. or should I call them wannabes.. they will copy everything.. your style, your way of talking, your perspectives and even your friends.. sometimes, even ringtones of the phone.. say what people.. this at first may seems harmless.. but later in time, the copycats will get to you.. they will somehow take over your world.. they will make themselves look and feel better than you.. if not, they will be your shadow.. and this is worse.. since everyone will talk about the copycat every time you are in the scene.. and it is just plain annoying.. and let me tell you one thing about copycats and shadows.. they are good at asking and begging for sympathies..
For me, their nothing but pathetic creatures.. who do not own their own life and wanted others.. why don’t they make their life meaningful by creating own style than copy others.. because in the end, they are nothing.. they are just the new edition of the one they copied.. the point of existence does not present in them.. at all.. as for shadows.. stop following around.. get a grip to yourselves because in the end.. you are nothing without your “patron”.. find yourselves and love it.. don’t live in the darkness anymore..

*get a grip people*

Monday, December 14, 2009

putting a stop to blogging..

recently, i got nothing better to do.. so, i go blog hopping.. then i stumbled into some blog which the writers say that they wanted to stop blogging for good.. and yet keep on posting new post.. so, i just dont get it.. if you guys really want to put a halt to writing.. then just do it.. dont give people false statement..
for me, it's better if you just write im in hiatus or something like i need some rest.. dont haste the statement of putting a stop to everything.. and still going on.. it's just plain annoying.. it's like your lying to your readers.. lying is a no no okie.. so, please.. think before you post or write something like that.. it's annoying..


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Long distance relationship = no no for me..

Recently, a new love opportunity comes to me.. and the person is a nice person.. and I quite like the person.. however, I will never repeat my old mistake.. that is to commit myself into a long distance relationship.. because all my past relationships failed due to distance.. either physically or mentally.. im the kind of person who wants my someone to be right next to me.. but not clingy.. since clingy is one quality I despise the most.. get a grip.. onto yourself.. not to others okie.. haha.. I just want that person to be near me and I could always go to the person when I need support or just to share everything that is worth sharing.. that does not include money okie.. stingy me.. huhu.. and im thinking in that case, I might not be in love at all in this four upcoming years since im allergic to distance.. haha.. but I guessed it will be okie since I got all my friends.. and I might have someone special that will get the same treatment I treat those whom I love.. but I’ll never declare our relationship as partners since I might become quite pushy if the person is mine.. haha.. man, im cruel if I do that.. but maybe I will.. haha.. pity the unlucky person.. if there’s any la.. and as usual, I want somebody independent because im slightly dependent.. im independent when im alone, but seriously dependent when im with somebody.. lame.. but that’s just me.. will I find someone near to be loved and love me back? Only time will answer that although I will not entrust everything to time to determine.. im looking at my life positively now..

*I laughed a lot in this post, didn’t I?*

Im not ready..

When we sit down in the quiet and stillness of the night, our minds tend to think about our lives.. whether we had live our life to the fullest.. things that we regret.. things that we wished we had done.. things that we want to do in life.. and many more.. usually in the silence of the night.. like any other people, it happened to me too.. due to the boredom that has been filling me this holiday, I spent most of my time thinking of what to do with my life.. sometimes my ambition seems so big until it feels like I could never achieve it in a million years.. and I can never escape from the topic of love in life.. reflecting at my current condition and behavior, I don’t know whether I will find someone who will suit me.. im not that choosy but.. to find someone who can stand me is a hard thing to do.. and failures from past relationships scares me.. will I ever settle down with one person?.. only time will answer that.. but for now.. im just not ready for a new relationship..

Besides that, im also not ready for a change in my life.. that is going to adulthood.. it seems so intimidating.. growing old means more responsibilities lies on my shoulder now.. im going to make many decision on my own later.. decide what is the best for me.. and choose the path of my life.. and yes, I may stumble along the path and have a few (maybe a lot) of regret but that is what I have to face.. adulthood for me is a scary business.. but I cannot forever stay a teen in mind.. I need to grow up.. if not now, later in life.. but growing up is compulsory..

One thing that I will never be ready for it is failure.. although I hate it so much.. it happens.. and it always struck me at bad times.. im so not ready but I have to make preparation to face it.. mentally that is.. if only I could evade failure forever.. but that will make life seems meaningless.. no adventure in it.. like what people always say.. no pain, no gain.. seriously, failing to do something is worst that eing dumped.. haha..

Okie, that’s it for now.. im not ready to write a new post anytime near..


Thursday, December 10, 2009

suppressed feeling..

sometimes, when we want to express out our feeling or opinion on something or somebody.. we tend to suppress the thought.. since it might hurt other people or make them feel offended.. so, we chose to hurt ourselves than hurt others.. and this suppressed emotion later accumulated in deep in our heart and soon, it will filled our heart with sorrow and discontentment.. and we start giving up on things.. that is what im facing right now.. when i have something to say, but when i see those faces, i dare not say.. all the words remained in my mind.. never let out.. and now, i has start giving up.. i did not response when people asked me.. i dare not.. since i has loss the ability to talk my mind and heart out.. i care for others so much until i neglected myself.. and now, i might neglect others too.. i need courage in me.. the thing that give me the push to go on another day.. to live my life.. to cherish every moment.. but, all i got right now is fear and reluctance.. please, hlep me get the old me again.. the one with smile on his lips and idea and stories to share.. for the mean time.. im just this reserved, terrified little creature..


Saturday, December 5, 2009

So many time, so little to do..

Since my birthday, I have not written anything in my blog.. let me put it straight.. nothing interesting had happened in my life since my birthday.. can you imagine being in a holiday island and all I do this holiday is stay inside the house.. I don’t even go out to shopping mall just for window shopping like what I always do back then.. I have become so reserved.. and I don’t know why.. one obsession that I have add in myself is eating.. and body is taking all the harm from it.. lol.. I look terrible.. besides that, I got nothing else to do.. it has been the longest time since I last read any novel.. regardless of the language.. seriously, I need to fill this holiday with something.. so that I won’t eat so much.. haha..

One event that has happened to me which bring quite a turmoil in my mind is meeting my ex who is now my friend.. okie.. I met my ex the day before but I did not greet because I was in a rush.. besides, I know I will meet him again the next day.. and yes, I met him again.. for the first time, he saw me and say nothing.. I was aghast but I don’t think too much about it.. with the spirit of friendship, I went and greet him.. nicely.. and I was taken aback by his reaction.. he looked at me with a very reluctant look and say.. “maybe it’s about time we start acting like ex-es”.. the moment he finished his words, I went off without even saying goodbye.. damn.. what about the promise of we’re gonna stay friends although we’ve broke up.. and it all happens after more than a year the relationship ended.. which is weird.. I found out that he found someone new lately but that just can’t be the reason.. since him, I went out with three people at least.. and he also has seen a few after me.. it is just so confusing.. I don’t want to lose a friend anymore..
I want to do a lot of things okie this holiday but I just don’t know what.. and seriously im bored to death.. everything seems not very appealing to me.. what should I do?