Sunday, December 27, 2009

This is about Them..

This post is meant for those who had came in my life.. and teach me a thing or two about life.. and love.. this post is written to say the unspoken words that I never say when I was with them.. I just want to write this just to share with others about how they have helped me into becoming the person I am today..

First up, the first 4 in my life..

K- you taught me the most important game in life, that is love.. you were my first love.. you show me how great life can be when you have someone to hold, someone who understands you, someone who love you.. you also teach me the most painful lesson in my life, that is facing betrayal and infidelity.. nevertheless, you show me life is not always a bed of roses, but it can be full of sharp thorns along the way..

S- you show me how a sweetest thing can be the hardest thing to handle in life.. you make me do the unthinkable and go beyond my limitations.. you have shown me that life is fun and I should not restrict myself too much.. anyway, I have to let you go for our own good.. there are things more important than love dear.

I- one lesson that you have taught me is that love can be forced.. im sorry I never get to know you well but Im just not meant for you.. no matter how hard you push it, I don’t want to go far..

J- firstly, I must say I never love another girl like I love you.. you show me love exceed any boundary.. you gave me the biggest heartache I ever felt in my life to date.. you even shaped my decision.. you teach me that sometimes, the ultimate love act is to let go the one you love the most for his or her happiness..

Then, my life took a different route.. I was introduced to another world that is full of uncertainty and jealousy.. not forgetting backstabbing and stealing.. but it is not all too bad.. it also teach me about the freedom of choice.. choosing something so wrong and making it right in our own senses..

The next 5..

Am- you show me love can happen if you really try.. you were my friend since forever and finally you got me.. and you are the hardest for me to let go.. you made something so wrong look so right.. you changed my perspective.. you changed who I am.. you create the new me.. although I refuse you at first, finally I realized, I want you more than anything else.. you were my friend, partner and lover.. you made me accept things that I used to keep a distance from.. you made me sacrifice everything just for you.. you set the benchmark for the people who came later.. you are the reason for most of my tears.. let it be joy or sadness.. you complete me.. but I have to let you go.. we know it from the beginning it was never do or die..

Kimi- you taught me one thing, I could be a relationship destroyer.. I was the third person in your relationship.. although I love you as much as you love me, I have to let you go for my principle is firmer than my love for you.. I shall never be the third person in a relationship that is true as mine is as vague as an image in morning fog..

Kh- one thing that reminded me of you is trust.. trust is the fundamental of a relationship.. without trust, no relationship could last since you were full of doubt.. besides, trust in yourself is also important because you can’t trust others when you did not trust yourself..

***- just one word for you.. confusion.. for most of the time.. I never know what am
I to you.. sometime you treat me as if im the most important person.. but sometimes you don’t want to be associated to me at all.. until now, sometimes I wonder what was I to you..

SA- the wait for me was so meaningful.. and everything that you have done for me is the most beautiful thing a person have done to me.. sorry I never put all this in words.. sorry for the bad treatment I gave you all the time we were together.. you were my comfort, my crying shoulder.. the person who understands me inside out.. willing to trouble yourself as long as im happy.. im glad I have you before.. and your voice will always be in my mind..

These are the people who had been in my life and make me who I am today.. more to be in the list later in life but maybe the list stops here.. nobody knows about it.. only Him..

*wow ex-es*

Tuition= Success?

So, a few days ago was the day where those who have taken the PMR examination finally get their results.. some go home with tears of joy.. while some with disappointment.. some just don’t care and has already start planning for next year schooling term.. whatever your results are, I would like to congratulate all of you.. you have done your best and that is what you should get.. no points of regretting.. although me myself did not really follow my own advice ( I wept for a whole week for getting a B in my result).. life goes on after that..

One issue that has got me into writing this is extra emphasis that has been put on tuition as a factor for success.. it is up to an extent where for some, not being able to go to tuition centre has been a great disappointment.. it really bothers me as I am a student who never went for any tuition centre and still got a result that can be proud of.. although it is not extraordinary, but it is enough to please me.. I did get an offer to study abroad, which I turned down due to passion.. I have a friend who did not go for any tuition and still manage to come out with flying colours and currently pursuing his studies in prestigious tertiary education centre in Australia..

Tuition is not the reason for success.. it is just a catalyst but if you work hard enough, or smart enough, you could always achieve success just like others who went for tuition.. remember, in scientific reaction, reaction still occur even without catalyst.. only it takes a longer time.. to increase the reaction time, just put more chemical in it or put a catalyst.. the chemical here metaphorically represent your effort.. put more effort, and you are just the same.. so, get rid of those thoughts that if you have tuition, you will succeed, and if you don’t, you’ll not going to be as good.. tuition just help, the main factor is you..

*this thing has stuck in my mind for ages*

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

to marry or not?

recently, while eating with my family members.. a case of marriage was sudddenly arisen out of nowhere.. and i accidentally spurt out that im not intending to get married plan in front of my mom, aunts and sisters due to the responsibilities that a husband holds which was overbearing for me.. although my mom did not say it directly, but i can see it in her face.. she was somehow disappointed with my point of view.. sorry ma, never meant to hurt you but that is just what im feeling.. according to the religion, husbands hold the responsibility of taking care of the wellbeing of the family.. and the wife is just raise the children with help from the husband.. that means chores go under the job of husband.. and if the husband is capable, he should hire a helper to assist the wife in doing houseworks.. because of that, i start seeing marriage as a big burden to men.. but, i do have plan i marrying someday in he future.. maybe because of love or just continuity of mankind.. but will i handle the burden nicely.. I dunno..

*still not wanting to marry*

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Copycats and shadows.. beware of them

This is one issue that haunts many of us.. especially if we are famous.. although im not.. no matter what field are you in.. as long as you are famous and grab all the attention, there is a tendency for some to copy your way.. or just live under your shadow.. in hope of getting the same attention or credits like you.. this group of people can be only a single person or a group.. or should I call them wannabes.. they will copy everything.. your style, your way of talking, your perspectives and even your friends.. sometimes, even ringtones of the phone.. say what people.. this at first may seems harmless.. but later in time, the copycats will get to you.. they will somehow take over your world.. they will make themselves look and feel better than you.. if not, they will be your shadow.. and this is worse.. since everyone will talk about the copycat every time you are in the scene.. and it is just plain annoying.. and let me tell you one thing about copycats and shadows.. they are good at asking and begging for sympathies..
For me, their nothing but pathetic creatures.. who do not own their own life and wanted others.. why don’t they make their life meaningful by creating own style than copy others.. because in the end, they are nothing.. they are just the new edition of the one they copied.. the point of existence does not present in them.. at all.. as for shadows.. stop following around.. get a grip to yourselves because in the end.. you are nothing without your “patron”.. find yourselves and love it.. don’t live in the darkness anymore..

*get a grip people*

Monday, December 14, 2009

putting a stop to blogging..

recently, i got nothing better to do.. so, i go blog hopping.. then i stumbled into some blog which the writers say that they wanted to stop blogging for good.. and yet keep on posting new post.. so, i just dont get it.. if you guys really want to put a halt to writing.. then just do it.. dont give people false statement..
for me, it's better if you just write im in hiatus or something like i need some rest.. dont haste the statement of putting a stop to everything.. and still going on.. it's just plain annoying.. it's like your lying to your readers.. lying is a no no okie.. so, please.. think before you post or write something like that.. it's annoying..


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Long distance relationship = no no for me..

Recently, a new love opportunity comes to me.. and the person is a nice person.. and I quite like the person.. however, I will never repeat my old mistake.. that is to commit myself into a long distance relationship.. because all my past relationships failed due to distance.. either physically or mentally.. im the kind of person who wants my someone to be right next to me.. but not clingy.. since clingy is one quality I despise the most.. get a grip.. onto yourself.. not to others okie.. haha.. I just want that person to be near me and I could always go to the person when I need support or just to share everything that is worth sharing.. that does not include money okie.. stingy me.. huhu.. and im thinking in that case, I might not be in love at all in this four upcoming years since im allergic to distance.. haha.. but I guessed it will be okie since I got all my friends.. and I might have someone special that will get the same treatment I treat those whom I love.. but I’ll never declare our relationship as partners since I might become quite pushy if the person is mine.. haha.. man, im cruel if I do that.. but maybe I will.. haha.. pity the unlucky person.. if there’s any la.. and as usual, I want somebody independent because im slightly dependent.. im independent when im alone, but seriously dependent when im with somebody.. lame.. but that’s just me.. will I find someone near to be loved and love me back? Only time will answer that although I will not entrust everything to time to determine.. im looking at my life positively now..

*I laughed a lot in this post, didn’t I?*

Im not ready..

When we sit down in the quiet and stillness of the night, our minds tend to think about our lives.. whether we had live our life to the fullest.. things that we regret.. things that we wished we had done.. things that we want to do in life.. and many more.. usually in the silence of the night.. like any other people, it happened to me too.. due to the boredom that has been filling me this holiday, I spent most of my time thinking of what to do with my life.. sometimes my ambition seems so big until it feels like I could never achieve it in a million years.. and I can never escape from the topic of love in life.. reflecting at my current condition and behavior, I don’t know whether I will find someone who will suit me.. im not that choosy but.. to find someone who can stand me is a hard thing to do.. and failures from past relationships scares me.. will I ever settle down with one person?.. only time will answer that.. but for now.. im just not ready for a new relationship..

Besides that, im also not ready for a change in my life.. that is going to adulthood.. it seems so intimidating.. growing old means more responsibilities lies on my shoulder now.. im going to make many decision on my own later.. decide what is the best for me.. and choose the path of my life.. and yes, I may stumble along the path and have a few (maybe a lot) of regret but that is what I have to face.. adulthood for me is a scary business.. but I cannot forever stay a teen in mind.. I need to grow up.. if not now, later in life.. but growing up is compulsory..

One thing that I will never be ready for it is failure.. although I hate it so much.. it happens.. and it always struck me at bad times.. im so not ready but I have to make preparation to face it.. mentally that is.. if only I could evade failure forever.. but that will make life seems meaningless.. no adventure in it.. like what people always say.. no pain, no gain.. seriously, failing to do something is worst that eing dumped.. haha..

Okie, that’s it for now.. im not ready to write a new post anytime near..


Thursday, December 10, 2009

suppressed feeling..

sometimes, when we want to express out our feeling or opinion on something or somebody.. we tend to suppress the thought.. since it might hurt other people or make them feel offended.. so, we chose to hurt ourselves than hurt others.. and this suppressed emotion later accumulated in deep in our heart and soon, it will filled our heart with sorrow and discontentment.. and we start giving up on things.. that is what im facing right now.. when i have something to say, but when i see those faces, i dare not say.. all the words remained in my mind.. never let out.. and now, i has start giving up.. i did not response when people asked me.. i dare not.. since i has loss the ability to talk my mind and heart out.. i care for others so much until i neglected myself.. and now, i might neglect others too.. i need courage in me.. the thing that give me the push to go on another day.. to live my life.. to cherish every moment.. but, all i got right now is fear and reluctance.. please, hlep me get the old me again.. the one with smile on his lips and idea and stories to share.. for the mean time.. im just this reserved, terrified little creature..


Saturday, December 5, 2009

So many time, so little to do..

Since my birthday, I have not written anything in my blog.. let me put it straight.. nothing interesting had happened in my life since my birthday.. can you imagine being in a holiday island and all I do this holiday is stay inside the house.. I don’t even go out to shopping mall just for window shopping like what I always do back then.. I have become so reserved.. and I don’t know why.. one obsession that I have add in myself is eating.. and body is taking all the harm from it.. lol.. I look terrible.. besides that, I got nothing else to do.. it has been the longest time since I last read any novel.. regardless of the language.. seriously, I need to fill this holiday with something.. so that I won’t eat so much.. haha..

One event that has happened to me which bring quite a turmoil in my mind is meeting my ex who is now my friend.. okie.. I met my ex the day before but I did not greet because I was in a rush.. besides, I know I will meet him again the next day.. and yes, I met him again.. for the first time, he saw me and say nothing.. I was aghast but I don’t think too much about it.. with the spirit of friendship, I went and greet him.. nicely.. and I was taken aback by his reaction.. he looked at me with a very reluctant look and say.. “maybe it’s about time we start acting like ex-es”.. the moment he finished his words, I went off without even saying goodbye.. damn.. what about the promise of we’re gonna stay friends although we’ve broke up.. and it all happens after more than a year the relationship ended.. which is weird.. I found out that he found someone new lately but that just can’t be the reason.. since him, I went out with three people at least.. and he also has seen a few after me.. it is just so confusing.. I don’t want to lose a friend anymore..
I want to do a lot of things okie this holiday but I just don’t know what.. and seriously im bored to death.. everything seems not very appealing to me.. what should I do?


Sunday, November 15, 2009

my birthday..

huhu.. so people.. my birthday fall on the 14th november.. and like every other year, i celebrate it with great moderation because i dont really fancy big celebration.. OMG, i just find out that i shared the same birthday with Tyson Ballou (the guy from D&G ads), Yuna (Malaysia's new singing act) and Prince Charles (the guy who got married to someone nice and still fall for an old hag).. what a powerful bunch.. i hope im going to be that powerful also some day..
so, lets talk about this year's celebration.. let me just put it in one word.. nice and simple.. wait.. that a phrase.. whatev.. and mostly homemade.. which made it so special.. hah, no place is better than your home.. and this year is all about family.. no friends were involved since everyone is so occupied with personal matters.. but i dont mind.. family first.. and of course no loved one.. haha.. i dont mind that either.. the celebration is all about food and talk.. hah.. love it..
oh, something to brag.. i baked my own cake.. a double layer strawbery and chocolate cake with chocolate coating and strawbery chips sprinkled on it.. and it tasted good.. haha.. Gosh, i do know how to cook.. but, i just dont want to.. haha
people, im one year older and really hope that im one year wiser too..


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Of not knowing the limit..

Okie, now I’m feeling like Bob from Monsters vs Aliens.. when he got confused about Ginormica’s boyfriend to be his own because he heard about that guy too much.. yup.. now I’m confused whether my friend’s partner is my own because everything that happened between them is told to me and even the unnecessary details.. unnecessary I mean private.. yup.. he just pass the boundary of sharing with a friend.. and some things told are so explicit, I was gawking and feeling disgusted as I’m listening.. yet, I don’t have the courage to say it directly to his face to stop telling me the unnecessary details.. I wish I could say “you know what, I just don’t freaking care.. because that person is with you.. not me”.. then I realized the same thing also happened to the partner side.. my friend keep relating the partner to me and comparing both of us.. say what man.. if I were the partner, obviously I would be offended.. it is like if your friend is so much like me, then am I special for you or not?.. from what you’re telling me.. im no different than your friend.. what is the whole point of the relationship.. that is what I would feel if im the partner.. some people are just blinded by emotion they can’t see the reality.. I have asked about this to my other friends and I got mixed reviews.. some said that it is positive and most said that it is negative.. especially about the private details.. that should be kept to yourself only.. take it out when asked or necessary only.. arghh.. I seriously don’t know how to say it to him without offending him.. because this has gone too far..

Then, there is also another friend of mine who constantly talks about his partner.. no matter during a guys nite out or a simple hanging around in the room.. there will always be a topic about the partner being talked.. OMG.. and it repeats by itself.. sometimes I could predict what is the next word that will come out from his mouth.. but I just ignore it.. sometimes I don’t really listen to what he got to say because it is none of my concern.. but in this case of this friend of mine at least I know who the partner is.. so, it is okay and I admit the partner is nice.. but the other one.. I don’t even know who the hell the person is and not keen to find out..

Back then, I used to do the same to a friend of mine.. but at that time my relationship was on the verge of breaking up.. it is normal for people to talk about their partner excessively when they are about to breakup.. it is because of the heartache.. but when you’re happy with the relationship and start to tell everything.. it nauseates people.. and im just wondering.. are you doing it to see whether im jealous or not.. well, newsflash.. I don’t care.. that is no reason to be jealous.. unless that person is my ex.. or crush.. then yeah.. if not.. I just don’t give a damn.. and don’t blame me if something happened between me and the person because you triggered it.. haha..

*I wish I was meaner.. the old me I mean*

Monday, November 2, 2009

i thought i have..

i thougt i have forgotten you.. i thought you bring no significance to my anymore..i thought i have got over you.. but i guess im not.. you still play a part in my life.. everytime i hear our song played in the air.. my eyes go teary.. air rushed out of my lungs.. i still deeply attached to you.. although i was the one who asked you to forget me.. stupid me.. i just cant help myself.. im weak without you.. but i would never admit that in front of you..

sometimes i regret the time when we were together.. i always show that expressionless face.. no matter what you did for me.. when you sing me the song.. i wanted to cry.. but i stopped myself.. i will never looked weak in front of you.. i never follow what i always wanted to do.. and i regret all that now.. how i missed you.. and your warmth..

seriously.. i pray i could forget you.. but for now.. i still cant..

*crying with a stern look*

Friday, October 30, 2009

im tired of all these..

seriously, i need to lessen my post okie.. i been posting like.. everyday these days.. so, i decided to make a gap between each post.. lol.. haha.. it has been a few days now.. so, it is okie for me to do so.. haha.. justifying my own wrongdoing.. so, now is the time for my finals.. and im so not ready for it.. and seriously not in the mood of having any examination.. huhu.. lol.. DL.. i dont think i could get it.. but i do hope i get it.. lol.. i need to motivate myself to study.. haha.. but i just cant find a way how to motivate myself.. assistance people.. if only i could put my mind and goal straight.. to get a first class degree.. so that i need not pay the loan.. haha.. wrong reason.. let just hope i'll find a way to study.. and be motivated..

then, life matters.. hmm.. things nowadays are going quite find.. i am still able to control myself.. and im still in love with the same person.. now, impossible no. 2 is out of the game.. just leave no.1 and 3.. haha.. i just lost my interest in no.2.. i think we are not more than just friends.. but im still hoping for no. 1.. these days have shown me something.. people in love do crazy things.. haha.. i bet i did those also before.. only being on the receiving end is rather appalling.. and some just do not know the limit when to stop telling stories.. haha.. i mean the very private details.. euww.. please.. keep it to yourself.. i dont want okie..

OMG.. now i knowhow it feels like to be short in money.. damn.. it's hard.. i wish i never had to endure it again.. ever again.. okie.. it's like you can have anything that you want.. or need.. hah.. you have to stop shopping.. the worst of all.. let just hope thhose who owed me money pay back okie.. im desperate for it..


Friday, October 23, 2009

loving the impossible..

i dunno what is wrong with me.. among all the possible people that i could fall in love with.. i fall in love with someone.. okie 3 person to be exact who are.. impossible to grasp.. i call them The Impossibles.. th people that i know not in a million years will i get my hands on.. so, yesterday i met one of the impossibles.. and he accidentally touched my hand.. i felt a sudden rush of excitement.. a feeling that has not visited me for quite some time now.. and impossible no. 1 dont even realise about it.. lol.. then, later that day, during dinner.. i met impossible no. 2.. i just realised that he just got cuter and hotter.. haha.. and all the time i was talking to him.. i hardly contain my feeling.. haha.. now, im longing to see impossible no. 3.. the one that grabs my attention since a year ago.. it has been a hile since i last see no. 3.. no. 3 is the first person who captures my heart due to personality.. not good look.. huhu.. seriously, loving the impossibles is just heart wretching.. i know i could never get them yet i hope for their embrace all the time.. they are the people who could make me cry because of love.. i dont do that anymore.. they rekindled that feeling in me..

*love in secrecy*

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

my 100th post.. and it is all about love...

huhu.. i never thought that this day would come.. where i write my 100th post.. and all is done in less than a year.. hell yeah, i babble a alot people.. haha.. so, to celebrate my 100th post.. im going to do something that i have never done before.. putting song lyrics in my post.. and the song is..

"Make You Feel My Love" by Adele

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

the lyrics of this song is so meaningful to me now.. i want that person so much and i would do anything to make that person feel my love.. but yet, i dont think that person even realised about my existence.. and all i can do is see.. nothing else i can do.. some people say.. widen your horizon Sai.. look at other people too.. but im glued.. i cant help it.. all i want is the person.. and the person only.. no one could substitute..

i wish i have the courage to just go and approach.. and tell everything that i feel to the person.. but im scared.. im not used to rejection.. usually, people will always notice me.. for my awkwardness and my atypical look and figure.. but the person act indifferent and not even care whenever im around.. and of all people who give me attention.. the one i got stuck with and wanting the embrace so much is the person who care the least about me.. maybe this is what we say.. we always want what we could not get.. seriously, how i long for just a simple "hi" or gesture from the person to verify that i existed in the person's world..

hah, so that's it for my 100th post.. huhu.. more stories on love.. haha

*happy for the blog, longing for the love*

Monday, October 19, 2009

im pissed off..

okie.. today i will write about something that piss me off.. okie, not something but some people.. they just dont know how to look at things.. okie.. when you one of their teammates is not capable of his own work.. they dare to come and approach.. not to offer help.. but to add more burden.. Say what women.. you can see that your friend is in trouble and you add more.. thank you so much.. and they have nothing to do while the others struggle like hell.. and they can say that they have done their job.. hello, that is not even my job.. i dont even have any idea what the outcome was.. and i have to make up my own idea to write.. while doing my unfinished work.. for this kind of people, i just have one line for you guys.. you got no love from me.. you dare to mess with me.. you guys took the least reponsibility.. and act as if nothing wrong has being done.. hello women.. after this.. i shall never work with you guys anymore.. you guys are the worst lazybums, selfish, unholy, disgusting, horrid, nasty, inconsiderate, heartless bitches.. Go to hell hell with both of yourself.. i mean it literally..

*pissed to the limit*

Thursday, October 15, 2009

i decided..

Well, I think u guys would know that im single right now.. so, im free to look for love again.. haha.. lol, I sound like someone desperate for love and going out for hunting.. but then again I decided to put a halt to the hunt.. it looks like the target that im targeting right now is owned.. haha.. I just love to give in.. I never really fight for what I want.. I just let it comes.. and most of the time.. it does not.. but that is just part of the game.. one thing that I will never do is beg.. yup, beg for love.. that is just plain disgusting in my view.. showing your weakness even before you get a hold on that person.. for me, once the person has said no to you.. then , there is no point of holding it anymore.. i want to be love because of love.. not because of pity or because you have to.. love me truly, not because of any other reasons.. if there should be a reason, let the reason be love.. but, some really need love.. they can’t live without one.. and hmm.. I got no comment.. I was one like that.. then I tend to accept the fact.. maybe I was not made for anyone.. so, what the whole reason of looking.. haha.. let it roll.. if it never comes.. then, it is just not made for you.. maybe the one made for you had died long ago.. so, no point of looking..

One thing I have learned about love is not to hate the person that you used to love just because it does not work out between the both of you.. accept it as part of fate and move on.. I know easier said than done but that is from my own personal experience.. I have done my hating and at one point I realized there is no point of hating.. you have given your best but it does not work.. let it be then... love should not be forced.. let it come naturally..


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

im not going to think..

when we say that we are not going to think about something.. what is the first thing that came to our mind?.. none other but the think that we are not suppose to think of.. that is just human nature.. we tend to do things that we are not allowed to.. that is what happening to me right now.. i love the word im not going to study.. and yet you make effort to study like hell.. then, you might say im not going to think about what is coming up later in time.. let it be an event to handle or exams.. only to find out that you cant sleep thinking of it.. same goes to love.. im not going to think why am i single and deprived of love.. yet, you cry at night thinking about soeone that you dearly want to be with.. lol.. for once, can we really mean what we say.. i guess not because it is just inhuman.. haha.. going against the rule is so human.. and im proud to be one.. im not going to follow the rule.. can you guess what i will do??

*laughing at the existence*

Monday, October 12, 2009

morning my love..

i have always wanted to say this phrase to someone.. but for now it is so not suitable.. to whom should i dedicate this phrase to?.. since the person is no longer here.. i cant say this to my friends.. euww.. that is just plain weird.. back to the phrase.. one of the nicest thing in my view is waking up in the morning and see the person's face.. the person who had stole your heart.. the one who owns your love.. the pure and innocent look in the morning is so gives you the reason why you love the person so much.. and the best thing could happen is a smile from that face.. at this time, you know that the smile is genuine and honest.. the smile is made for you.. and you only.. ahh.. how i miss the feeling of being loved by someone.. but for now.. i want to take a break from love.. but i cant.. i am a Susan Mayer.. if you guys know what i mean.. haha.. listening to the person saying this phrase.. morning my love.. is the best thing ever.. then, you know that you're loved.. someone cared for you.. that is the thing about this phrase in my life.. how important it is.. and how i longed to be in love again..

*morning my love*

Saturday, October 10, 2009

i miss the old me..

remember at the beginning of this blog.. i used to be very happy.. i write about happy stuffs.. looking forward for people's comments and very eager to post a new post everyday.. but as time goes by.. i start to change.. i turned to the darkside.. i ventured into dark emotions of my heart.. and i start coming out as emo person.. im not happy this way.. i want the old me back.. i have more fun there.. i even got more hair.. haha.. seriously.. im losing my hair.. sometimes i wonder where has that bubbly and happy guy gone too.. was he murdered.. by life events and mishaps.. seriously.. i miss him.. was he replaced by emo-ish demon who do nothing but spread morbidity and despair?.. those questions keeps on haunting me.. and yet i thought i was normal.. then, there were this lovey dovey guy who keep on writing about love conflicts.. of love that was not suppose to last.. unrequited love and secret admiring.. lol, where did he come from.. those are all people who write for this blog.. and those people is one.. ME.. yes one person with multiple conscience.. and it's getting too complicated.. life used to be easy when i was just a single person.. i am just one.. now.. i am just too many.. i miss the old me..

*searching for self*

Thursday, October 8, 2009

My world stops whenever you are around..

i never had this feeling before.. even with those whom i used to be.. yes, i do love them.. but not to this extend.. it is as if time stops.. everybody else muted.. sounds disappear.. the only thing that stays is you.. you and you only.. everything else doesn't matter.. Lord, what has gotten into me.. the glimpse of you cause my knees to weaken.. whenever i look at you.. i wish you would come to me.. embrace me.. the music that you play and your voice.. is the nicest song i could hear.. your existence is a present to me.. yes, that is my feeling towards you.. though im invincible in your sight.. i dont mind.. because your presence is more than enough.. i might crumble if you come closer.. i never felt so weak.. and now i know how it feels.. thanks to you of course.. is this love sick? is that so, then i have been beaten by at least a whole colony of lovebugs.. love never affect me this much before.. but you.. you like the greatest creation ever appeared in my life.. and i dare not say anything because i love you but i will never get you.. it is just wrong.. big time wrong.. so, it's better if you never know about me.. although you stop my world everytime you come around..

*in secrecy*

Monday, October 5, 2009

i feel like dying..

i feel like dying.. I have too many things in my mind.. and i cant prioritise because everything seems so important to me.. and today, a lot of people come to me and say about the way i look today.. gloomy and disturbed.. i try to say nothing because serously.. i dunno what to answer.. i think i would rather die tahn live another day in misery.. i hardly smile nowadays.. i always lost in my daydream.. i dun talk to my frens.. i hate seeing other people's happiness.. what has i become.. a demon or what.. i just realise that i am a big fool.. i am stupid.. i hate myself.. i only care about my pride until i forgot that we need to be nice sometimes.. nope.. i never reember that.. usually, when im good with someone.. it must be because of the hidden agenda that i have for that person for my benefit.. yes, that's me.. the evil enormous demon.. i never know whether i have real frens or not.. i talk behind them and they will surely talk behind my back too. i got no one to turn to.. and all the problems i have been facing for the past weeks have make me into someone i dont even know.. i get angry.. but i keep quiet.. i got annoyed.. and i keep quiet.. i have forgotten how to express my feelings.. i let the emotions accumulates and buried in my heart.. let just hope it never burst.. i would rather die than being sick..

*death, come and take me*

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Feelings develop..

Hate.. it is one big word that could haunts a lot of people.. some are explainable.. but some are just can’t be justified.. well, let me say, mine is the second.. yes, a hate that can’t be justified and explained.. it is even inappropriate.. seriously, I don’t know what has happened.. I used to love that person very much (this person is the reason for most of my February posts..)..but then again, things doesn’t worked out that well between us.. okie, everything comes to an end.. fine, im okie with that.. although at first it was hard to get over that person.. it finally passed.. but recently, I developed a new feeling for that person.. it is hate.. I don’t know why.. I just hate that person.. without the person even do anything to me.. what has gotten into me?? I can’t see the face.. it disgusts me.. I can't listen to the voice.. im annoyed by it.. I can't bear the presence.. I wish the person was never there.. that is what im feeling about the person right now.. I don’t want to see, listen or even know anything about that person.. the person that I used to care so much.. is the one I wish I would never know.. the person who was my motivator to do anything.. is now my mood killer.. a good one.. the one who could assassinate my mood just by embracing to me.. or just be there.. Argh, I just hate that person.. but I don’t know why.. one thing for sure.. this going to take a long time to heal..


Not motivated..

Im so not motivated to do anything right now.. even though my assignment is piling up quickly.. I just don’t have the heart to do it.. it is as if I have loss the purpose of life and study.. I don’t know why.. is it matters of the heart again?? I don’t know.. but im seriously behind schedule in most things.. im so dead but yet I feel nothing.. DL feels so far this time.. im so not confident about it.. I need motivator.. someone or something that can move me to do my work.. anybody got suggestion?? Haha.. who am I asking?? I am supposed to ask that question to myself.. I am my own motivator.. but currently the motivated me is taking a vacation.. I need him to do my work.. haha.. I lose myself again..

*what the eff*

Thursday, October 1, 2009


The sky looks so dull.. although the sun is brightly shining.. the atmosphere feels so quiet.. although there are people and noises everywhere.. my heart feels numb.. although my face looks so lively.. I sit down to do things that I love.. but it is just my body.. my mind is somewhere else.. I still can’t let off of the memories.. that we used to share.. man, this is worse than break ups.. nothing feels like this.. letting go something that you used to love very much.. although I never realized it.. I wish I never feel like this again.. I’ve went through something like this before.. approximately a year ago.. I thought that was the only time I would have this feeling.. looks like it repeats itself.. it’s hard to bear this longing.. It’s heart wrecking.. it used to be my motivation to work harder to forget about it.. but this time it’s worse.. it has taken its toll on me.. I’m totally overwhelmed by it.. I cry everytime I think of it.. I cry when I see something similar to what im facing.. o cry when I see obstacle-embedded love.. I cry when I see people greatly in love can’t be together.. I cry.. thus this shows that im still immature or.. I love the person more than the one last year.. was the person was the love I have always wanted.. I don’t have the answer for that.. I hope I have..

*bland and empty*

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Being so disorganized..

So, I am still at home as im writing this.. and I got a lot of assignments behind schedule.. and I cant do anything because I have no internet connection.. im so dead.. my work are piling up and I have no power at all to reduce it.. what I really need right now is internet connection.. this can help in greatly.. but unfortunately that is what I am lacking at the moment.. whatever.. I will utilize my time later to do my work.. last minute again I see.. although I had tried my best to avoid procrastination.. it still comes to me even when I avoid it..
Being at home means one big thing.. free food.. yup.. you don’t have to think about your bank account when you eat at home.. and with that, my appetite suddenly arose badly.. haha.. I cant stop eating.. surely I’ve gained a few kilos.. damn.. there goes all my hard work to get thinner..

Another thing is my outfit.. I just have no idea where are all my outfit has gone to.. they are not in the wardrobe.. so, I have to search everywhere just to find something to wear for the day.. and the search could take up to half an hour.. just imagine how messy and disorganized I am right now..
Note to self.. organize everything that I have soon.. very soon.. if not.. im so dead and I could get lost in my own way.. lol.. lame of me..


(written on 25th Sept 2009)

Goodbye my love..

Looking at the title.. you guys could tell what is this post will be all about.. saying one of the hardest word to say.. Goodbye.. I hate the word because all it can give me is nothing but a feeling of your heart just got crushed into a thousand pieces.. tears start streaming down.. breathing gets harder and you feel suffocated in your own emotion.. especially when you say this to someone so dear to you before.. I don’t want to say this but I have too.. *** has made his choice to go oversea to continue his studies.. although we are nothing more than just a friend.. but.. it is still hurts badly.. maybe my love for him is still there.. I will never forget him.. he’s my comfort.. he was always there when im alone.. then, we went through a relationship that doesn’t last for long.. but the love never dies, I could never hate him.. and now, looking at him and his family at the airport.. there’s nothing much to say but all I could do was cry.. although he tried to comfort me like he usually does.. I cant stop crying.. and I don’t really care what other people think about me.. I cant stop myself.. I love him.. and that’s a fact.. while his parents looked at both of us.. with a very inquisitive look.. they kept quiet.. maybe they understand what was happening or they have no clue at all..he was trying his best to control his tears from flowing down.. I could see that.. but, he’s a man.. we hugged each other for more than 5 minutes when the calling for the flight was being announced.. he whispered me words of love and I .. I cant do anything but just cry.. then, when I could get a grip of myself.. I let go of him and say to him..

“ Goodbye my love.. find someone new there.. someone better than who I am.. forget about our love because it might cause you unhappiness.. just remember the good memories.. forget all the fights and cold treatment that we used to give to each other.. just remember one thing.. I love you and always will.. though we are not together but you will always have a place in my heart.. move on with your life okie.. im just a memory”

Then, I let him go fully.. he held my hand and grip it hard.. he then lean forward and give me one last kiss.. on my forehead.. but I could feel tears trickling on my skin as he kisses me.. and his heart pounded so hard until it was visible and audible.. then, he let me go of his embrace and lift his luggage and walked to his family to check in for the flight.. as he went down.. I looked at him and he looked back at me.. and then we hide our faces.. no more tears please.. I have cried enough.. then, I went home.. with his memory embedded in my mind..
Goodbye my love..

*moved on*

(Written on 24th Sept 2009)

On the way home for Raya..

Okie.. today im going to write about something that I have always expected it to be bad.. I always have a bad feeling about this particular stuff.. it is my going home ticket for Hari Raya.. from the first time I bought it, I got a feeling that something bad was bound to happen.. indeed it was true.. let me tell what happened to me.. a series of unfortunate events..

When I first hear about the fuss of getting going back home ticket.. I tend to ignore it because from my previous experience.. which was last year.. my ticket was only going to be sold two weeks before the holiday.. so, I thought the same will happened again this year.. damn.. I was wrong.. it was already sold.. by the time I went to get one.. the date left was a day before the Hari raya.. which was too bad but I have no choice.. so, I took the ticket on that day.. however, later I found out that there was a group of students who was selling tickets on the day before the date of my ticket.. the date that I have intended on booking before.. so, without hesitance, I bought the ticket.. now, I have two tickets of different dates but same destination.. and I chose to keep them both.. for god sake knows why.. in case of emergency I guess..

Then.. problems start to arise.. first, I need to change my ticket to another company.. the time now has delayed to another hour.. im still okie with it.. at least I could still go back to my hometown.. then, I received another phone call .. now, the boarding venue has changed.. okie, from somewhere near to somewhere quite far.. but im used to the place, so im okie with it.. they asked me to get the ticket by 7pm.. I thought my departure time would not be later than 9.. nope.. I was dead wrong.. my bus was scheduled on 11 pm.. 4 hours of doing nothing in a crowded bus station.. lol to myself.. then I went to get the info on my bus.. suddenly the counter lady asked me to get on a school bus.. yup, you heard me right.. school bus.. okie, although im not very satisfied but I accepted it..
Then the bus moved.. it used the jalan persekutuan.. not the highway.. which make the journey longer and slower.. I hardly got any sleep as the bus was rocking all the way through.. then it stopped in Ipoh.. some went down.. it continue its journey.. later, it reached Taiping.. then, everyone went down.. okie, this is weird.. I thought to myself.. then the driver asked me where am I heading.. I told him.. Penang.. and to my “delight”, he told me he’s not going there.. so, I was stranded in Taiping and have no idea what to do.. I then called my family and told them everything while trying to contain my anger at the same time.. damn counter lady.. im going to “thank” her later for this.. my family suggested me to go and check for the earliest ticket to either Penang or Butterworth.. luckily it was only an hour wait.. I paid for the ticket and head to Butterworth.. I managed to get some sleep in the bus.. it was way comfier than the other one.. later, we reached Butterworth.. I can smell the sea.. how I miss the scent.. I got down and looked for the jetty.. to add to my hardships, I went on the wrong way.. lol.. so, I have to make a whole turn around the terminal and go to the jetty.. I took the ferry and then went home.. finally, I reached home..

As you can see.. all these just to get home.. so, I very appreciate my home even more now.. lol.. hope none of you need to face these kind of hardships too.. check everything before going aboard..

p/s: I am so going to “thank” that counter lady..

*appreciate everything that I have*

(Written on 19th Sept 2009)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

x sabar nk raya..

ini post bahasa melayu ke 3 aku.. hehe.. sronok gak ek tulis dalam bahasa ibunda ku ini.. lebih bebas utk aku berkat-kata.. wlu kdg2 kedengaran agk kasar berbanding ngan English.. tp itu sume luahan ati aku..

skrg ni aku sgt terseksa.. wlupn aku pi klas aku.. tp cuma jasad je yg ada.. roh aku dh ke tempat lain.. jiwa aku meronta-ronta nk balik umah.. aku dh x tahan dok kat cni.. aku nk balik, jumpa keluarga dan dpt tido secukupnya.. aku rindu sume org kat umah.. aku x penah ada mslh ni sblm ni.. mgkn btul org kata.. hati manusia akn berubah mgikut masa.. mgkn aku dh berubah.. aku semakin jd cam org yg dh bersedia utk ada keluarga.. dlu aku suka dok sorg2.. skrg.. aku btul2 perlukan keluarga aku..

aku dh shopping abis2 dh utk raya kali ni.. tp x la byk pn yg aku bli.. suma brg jualan murah.. tp kualiti sama je kan.. aku x leh blanja lebih2.. aku nk support dri sndri lg.. tgk org len shopping.. ngeri gak aku.. byk tul.. agk2 muat x bas tu nnt??

pape pn.. lantak la.. yg aku tau.. aku nk balik umah dan sambut raya kat sana.. dh lama aku x balik umah.. aku mmg nk balik sgt2..


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

facing the past..

meeting up with people from your past can bring a lot of outcome.. you might feel okie with it.. you might still bring the grudge from before.. or you might even feel happy and excited.. well, let just say.. i felt happy when i met someone from my past a few days back.. and it was at one of the place that i never thought i would ever see him.. actually, i dont really remember him already.. it has been a year since i last saw him.. two years since i last talked to him.. he used to make me do things that i never thought i dare to do just to please him.. haha.. i was immature at that time.. but all in all.. he used to play a role in my life.. and seeing him again doesnt really brings back anything because i decided to let his story remained in my unconscious mind.. i was shopping at that time.. i was resting and he came and approached me.. okie.. i was shocked to see him at first.. but i realised now we are nothing more than just mere friends.. so, we talked like how friends are supposed to talk to each other.. then, we were off doing our own matters.. talking to him was somehow nice as he is still as sweet as ever.. only the thing that is different is the emotion.. hehe.. let's not worry about the emotion so much.. what has passed, stay in past..

talking about past, i called *** a few days back.. i asked him when is he leaving for Aussie.. and he told me on the 28th.. okie, i wont be there if he were to go by then.. so, i made a silly request to ask him to bring the date forward.. he said he will talk to his dad about it.. about two days ago, he called me.. he said that he is going on the 24th now.. i was asking why?.. and he said because you wanted to.. okie, he would take serious what i said to him?.. this feels good.. haha.. so, i guess i'll be seeing him and sending him off later.. hope i could contain my emotion.. there has been enough tears that i have cried in the airport..


Monday, September 14, 2009

when things did not go the way you have intended..

okie.. today, i was thinking of finishing up my assignments which are quite a lot.. but i just could not find any way to do it.. for example, i wanted to go to the library to do some research, i ended up going to the bank with my friend.. and then spend about an hour to do some shopping.. arghh.. one chance is gone.. then, i went back home and one of my friend offered me his broaband for me to use it.. okie, i used it as im writing this.. the problem here is that all the necessary website cant be opened and some would come out as no longer available although i just browsed through it this morning.. and worst thing that happened today.. FB has been banned by the faculty.. OMG, how are we going to survive without FB.. it is part of almost everyone in the faculty's life.. i feel like part of my life essence is taken away.. huhu.. office people.. please has mercy on us.. bring back FB to us..

*messed up*

Friday, September 11, 2009

of disgust and feeling embarrassed..

recently, when i was browsing through the internet, i stumbled upon something so disgusting, i could not bear to read it for long.. okie, i was disgusted by both the content and the grammatical features.. the sentence structure is all haywired and the content make me feel like i would vomit anytime if i read it any longer.. can you imagine exposing something so personal about yourself on the net where everyone has access to it? OMG, i cant think of doing such thing.. it is fine when you share about life experiences.. but, personal life? i mean really personal.. nope.. i cant accept that.. and addition to my embarrassment, he exposed about his nationality and race and not forgetting religion of the author himself.. OMG again.. eeuww, u are not just jeopardising your own safety.. but the other people's who is in the same country, race and religion as you are.. God, please send that person some enlightenment so that he could think wisely and reconsider what is he doing.. damn, im super embarrassed right now.. and the sexual content of the posts are like beyond acceptable for someone who was born in the eastern community.. i am not saying that asian has the best culture, but we were raised with moral values and humility.. this person shows as if he got no shame left in himself.. we can be open minded, but to a certain extend only.. im not judging but something are wrong, and it remains wrong no matter from what angle we looked at it.. God, i hope some people just have something that we all call Mind inside the tiny little organ we call Brain.. it is vital to stop someone from behaving like beast in human body..

*disgusted and ashamed*

surviving without internet.. and more about life..

i did not go online for a few days.. okie.. 3 days to be exact.. i just wanted to test myself whether i am capable to live without internet in a long time.. and yes, i survived.. lol.. maybe i was too overwhelmed by other matters that happened in my life until i forgot about the internet world.. so now it make sense to me.. you will survive without the virtual world when your real world is taking control of your mind.. i just cant imagine that i did not long to get online in the past 3 days at all.. even today, as i am writing this post, my feeling to get online was not that strong.. im not addicted to internet anymore.. yeay to myself.. and life just got spicier these days.. with all the problems and new adventures in life yet to be resolve and explore.. life seems limitless.. haha.. i sounded like the boy in the story 'Sunrise at The Veld'.. and im so neutral right now.. i find mess with no one.. live my life at my own will.. just do thing according to what i feel is right.. feeling anguish with grammatical errors made by others.. but dont feel like correcting them as im not good as well.. my new life mission.. be a grammarian.. i dont like literature.. it will always be just pass for me then.. if more than that.. thank goodness.. let's hope for no failures.. i must graduate from this institution on time.. okie.. i think i've gone to deep in education.. BORING.. concerning other things in life.. let it comes naturally and do nothing with it.. im too busy to be thinking about those matters.. busy with what?.. study lor.. haha.. yeah right..

*feeling okie*

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I dont want to get involved..

lately, there has been a rush of problems happening among my friends.. it is either among themselves or with others.. and i somehow got stuck in the middle.. i cant pick sides as i am their friend.. so, i stay neutral.. and i befriended everyone.. lol.. one thing i realised from observing them is stop meddling with other people's life.. people dont find mess with you if u dont mess with them.. and that is what i've been doing for the past years.. i dont care about others and i just listened to their problems.. advicing? never.. slap on the face with fact? yup.. some people wanted to help everyone in the world.. but news flash.. u cant do that all the time.. some people need to find solutions to their problems on their own.. we just listen and do nothing.. that is the best way.. unless u really think u are really credible in giving advice.. dont give any.. the best thing to do is just be urself.. care about urself.. mind ur own business..


Sunday, September 6, 2009

after a whole night of thinking..

last night, i was attacked by extreme anxiety.. i went to mcD to hang out with my friends and yet i could not stay.. i almost fainted there.. then, rushed to my room which situated almost 1 kilometer from the place.. then, i turned on my laptop and watch the movie i had in my laptop.. okie.. it was ice age 3.. haha.. children movie.. then, i went to sleep in my room.. while lying down on my bed.. i keep on thinking why i feel sad with my current self.. is it because im alone.. or lonely.. or what?? i cant think of any reason why i feel that.. and i try to look it from different point of view.. and still i could not find a reason.. then, i come to my senses.. i dont have any reason to be sad.. im not bounded to anyone.. im a free agent.. i deserve to be happy.. i've done my crying.. and i've called *** last night.. at 3 in the morning.. and i realised im done with him.. no more love.. just friendship.. and we talked for about half an hour.. courtesy of supersaver.. yeah, from now on.. let be happy and live life to the fullest.. find new experience and become my old self again.. i love my old self..

*starting anew*

Friday, September 4, 2009

i dont smile that much nowadays..

usually, when people first see me.. they will always notice that im a bubbly person who always smile to everyone.. even if i dont know who that person was.. the guy who would talk and laugh his heart out at the jokes, without taking care of the surrounding.. a person who says whatever he wanted to say no matter if it would hurt anyone.. a person that is so firm and rigid, even a slight change can be argued for hours if things do not go his way.. but, that's all in the past.. now, im more reserved.. i dont smile that much.. always looked troubled.. very quiet.. especially in decision making.. care less about his surrounding.. to conclude all.. lame.. and my new self is somehow disturbing my friends as i dont contribute much in conversation anymore.. and i dont really care about what happened around me.. im so not centred to anywhere or anyone.. and one thing for sure.. im not as bold as before.. they say they miss the old me.. i miss him to.. i want him to come back.. but i dont know how..

*wanting my old self*

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

mood spoilers..

haish, recently i just sent my friend to the airport as he was leaving for Beijing to pursue his studies.. i promised myself not to cry but in the end i ended up crying.. he was very close to me.. one of my first few friends when i first arrived here.. so long and good luck BonBon.. love ya forever.. study hard k.. well, the problem here is not that.. but it was one of my friends word that causes me to have a terrible mood that day.. as i have already know that a friend of me and that person (for more information on 'that person', read february's posts) is about to aboard on the same flight.. my relationship with that person has been okie compared to back then although awkwardness still exists between us.. we just act naturally and talk occasionally.. but, suddenly this friend of mine ask for a picture of both of us together.. that made all the differences.. he started turning on his defensive mode and totally ignored me.. i bet he thought that i am still not over him.. damn you.. thanks for ruining my night.. although i dont really show that im badly troubled by what had happened but it bothers me the whole night.. and now i dunno whether i could face him anymore as im disturbed by the fact that he might think that im still not over him.. and the worst thing is that some of my friend thinks that it is nothing much.. but for me and him.. it's big.. we were just about to be friends again.. now, he seems so far from me again..


Thursday, August 27, 2009

for now..

now.. im feeling more stable.. the chaos in my mind has toned down.. ahh.. what a blessing.. not being emo anymore.. im happier now.. but i dunno what make me feel better.. maybe it's about time for the chaos to go way.. i dunno for real but im happy for it.. hooray for sanity.. now is the fasting month as most of you have already know.. however, i dont really face hardship in constraining myself from food as im not really a big eater.. but, other lusts are controlling me then.. shopping, and especially... i dont think i need to explain the especially part because im sure most of you understand me.. haha.. but seriously.. it really is happening.. lame of me.. i could fight other things but that.. and i somehow dont really know whether i have close friend(s) or not because i always ended up being alone.. well, i chose to be alone.. haha.. but im okie with that.. at least i have more time for myself.. nowadays.. i dont talk much about my feelings to my friends already because im thinking of becoming someone new.. a bit more secretive than before.. a whole lot more mysterious.. and i wont be spreading morbidity anymore.. pity those people who were affected by my morbidity before.. and seeing my friends in the same place i've been earlier this year makes me look at life more positively.. it is not that bad.. i've went through it.. and now they are going through it.. so, everybody will go through that phase once or more time in life.. so, im not alone.. lol.. lame of me..

*right as rain*

Monday, August 24, 2009

losing identity..

i used to be at the top.. i used to.. but now is no longer.. im feeling that my wheel of fate has turned.. im now on the ground.. no longer way above.. im lower than those i felt superior before.. im worse than those i hate or look down before.. i have loss my old self.. im nothing now compare to anyone else.. i used to feel success.. and praises.. showering on me most of the time.. though there were failure before.. but now.. i feel like i've failed way before i even started.. smiles used to be carved on my face all the time before.. now, u can see the cloud on my face from miles away.. i used to look so happy and feel so lively.. now, all i feel is sadness and my face is ever gloomy.. i understand that success never comes easily.. but i felt defeated, even before i do anything.. i used to laugh loudly.. sincerely.. but now.. my laugh is rather full of hypocrisy.. i used to see life as meaningful.. there is always more to life.. but now.. i feel as if it is just a lie.. and death is so beautiful.. i used to cry.. to comfort my heart.. but now.. my tears never streamed down anymore.. it is overwhelmed by my ego and arrogance.. im used to be conquered by, envy takes that place.. and maybe sloth too.. with a bit of wrath.. with pure lust and greed.. luckily no gluttony.. i have lost the old ME.. what is left is just an insignificant entity..


Sunday, August 23, 2009

peace at heart...

for the past recent years of my life.. my heart was never at peace.. there are always something that would bother me.. and somehow i cant get out from the turmoil.. and still i dunno why these things keep happening to me.. last year has been very dramatic as i go through life changing phases and learn more about life and what it can give you.. this year, my life is more subtle, but still, no peace at heart.. im still troubled by things.. things that i never intended to think at first, yet it finds it way to my mind.. and my emotion has been so unstable until i could like and hate a person at the same moment.. can you just imagine that.. but mostly the turmoil are cause by none other but love.. haha.. the things that some people chase the most.. i tend to get myself into relationship that is so crappy until sometimes i wonder will it ever works.. lol.. and nowadays, if there is anything that is disturbing me.. i wont share it.. but i would make it so personal and i hate that thing.. i just keep on piling up more and more emotion.. and never express them.. maybe im scared that people will perceive me as bad.. whatev.. i feel so helpless and powerless right now.. im no longer the guy who would stand for what he want and care less about what others feel.. arghh.. what i really want right now is peace at heart.. get away from all my problem..

*looking for peace*

Friday, August 21, 2009

post bahasa melayu ke2... tak paham..

hari rabu lepas aku masuk kelas manusia z lagi. hmm.. sbb ada pembentangan drpd kumpulan kwn aku.. so, ni kira nk sokong kwn punya kes la ni.. wlupn aku dh agak klas tu sumpah boring.. tp, aku gagahkn diri gak.. tp sbnrnya aku tgh wat assignment yg x siap dlm klas tuh. hehe.. smbil aku mendengar pembentangan kwn aku yg panjang berjela tu.. aku trus membuat kerja kau yg x siap2 tu.. tp ari ni aku prasan ada ketidakpuasan
hati terpamapang di muka manusia z.. cam x puas ati je.. pikir aku sendirian.. apa la dia nk komen lak ari ni.. dan kwn aku plak ari tu sgt la hipokrit sbb dia x ska pn apa yg dia ckp ari tu.. tp demi markah, dia wat la gak.. akhirnya, setelah dkat 40 minit berckp smpai bersembur-sembur air liur, pembentangan pn tamat.. aman skit dunia.. tiba2, manusia z bgn drpd kerusi dan mula memberi komen.. spt biasa, x kna ngan tjuk la.. x ckup isi la, apa la.. mcm2 la.. lol.. tiba2, dia mula bercerita camne spatutnya presentation tu diadakan.. dan drpd apa yg aku dgr, itu cerita dr pandangan dia yg dh lahir pd zaman tu, bkn sume leh cri kat buku.. adakah motif dia nk suruh kitorg pergi ke masa lepas dan amik sumber kat sana?.. aku makin x phm dgn manusia z ni.. mgkn cara terbaik nk wat pembentangan dlam klas dia adalah dgn lahir lebih awl ke dunia ni.. bru kita tau sume aspek.. ntah ape2 ntah..

*pening aku*

as the time goes..

hmm.. looks like it's ramadan again.. a month full of blessing for those who seek for it.. as for me.. this will be the month i leave almost all my bad habit and try to be a new person.. in this month also.. i hope i could find happiness and peace that i've been longing for ages.. it has left me for quite sometime.. and this s the time to get things organised.. dont let external factors meddle with my mind anymore.. which i really hope i could do.. i have a few assignment that are needed to be done in this coming weeks and yet.. i still haven't done any.. lol.. that is lame of me.. should have done it earlier.. haha.. and my trust is gaining on people.. i've become less skeptic.. which is good.. living in paranoia is bad.. you think everyone is bad.. it kills you.. then, just when i thought i could fall for someone.. hmm, nope.. i cant do it.. that person is somehow taken.. fine, im okie with it.. besides, i never planned to make the first move.. i just like to see.. not to have.. for now.. my mind is more stable.. i just think about work and work.. no more about life.. im fine with being solitary.. such denial words.. haha..

*follow the flow*

Thursday, August 20, 2009

lame of me..

i found this phrase to be very interesting.. been using it a lot nowadays.. for goddamn no reason.. haha.. lame of me.. one example of lame of me.. i want to do my assignment.. yet i didnt bring any material to assist me.. even worse, i dont even remember what my assignment is all about.. and i just took a book without even knowing whether the content is relevant ot me or not.. haha.. that's just lame rite.. and nowadays, people need to repeat what they want to say to me because it took me several second to understand what are they trying to say.. my processor has downgraded.. haha.. again.. lame of me..

*feeling lame*

Love is in the air..

Seriously.. love is in the air.. mostly everyone is in love.. and it is a good sign.. really?? I cant say for sure.. for those who are in love.. it might be good for them.. for the singles.. just like yours truly.. it is sugar and spice combined together.. I feel the sweetness of love that those people are having while feeling the hotness of envy from my ever aching heart.. lol.. lame of me.. and what is worse than just see ur friends in love?? It is keep them company to go anywhere.. arghh.. the envy is killing me slowly.. and looking at the affection between these couples kills me inside and make me think more of why am I alone.. and finding out my other friends who never came out with love rumors suddenly admit he/she is taken kills me even more.. and somehow make me think.. has my time to feel love again has passed.. and I shall now live in solitary.. okie.. that sound a bit pessimistic.. haha.. lame of me again.. seriously.. I never thought being out of love could be this depressing.. although I am interested in starting a new relationship.. but revising through my past experiences.. im scared I might break another heart due to my ignorant and care-less behavior.. I don’t really understand others.. but love is worth trying rite?? Will I commit to love again.. I have no answer for that..

*miss being loved and to love someone*

Saturday, August 15, 2009

trying something new.. Bahasa Melayu

hari ini aku nk cuba sesuatu yg baru.. menulis blog dalam bahasa melayu.. haha.. mmg agk lwk bla aku pkr ttg apa yg aku nk wat ni.. tp truskan saja.. tp maaf ye.. sumenya dlm bahasa singkatan.. agk mganbil masa klu nk tulis pnuh2.. lmbt sgt.. okie, topik ari ni.. apa lg klu bkn aku dan falsafah cintaku..

aku slalu tpkir, nape byk org ske sgt nk kuar ngan org yg kacak atau cantik? sbb nk kna puji ke? sbb nk menunjuk ke? silap2 apa yg diorg dpt cumalah kutukan percuma drpd org sekeliling yg x abis2 membandingkn kita ngan org kat sblh kita tu.. dan sejujurnya, x seronok mana pn kuar ngan org kacak/cantik ni.. diorg pn org gak.. ada mcm2 prangai.. ada yg sronok wat berbual.. ada yg bosan thp nk mampos.. ada yg asyik nk ckp psl dri sndri je.. ada lak yg tgh kuar ngan kita, leh lak pndg org len.. tp tu lah.. bkn diorg je wat cam2.. kita yg biasa2 ni pn sma je kan.. jgn igt sbb paras rupa diorg ni menarik.. diorg tu myeronokkan.. ada gak yg muka sgt kacak/cantik.. tp keyakinan dri.. hmm, sgt rendah.. slalu kt diorg tu hodoh la, buruk la, gmuk la.. haish, x phm aku.. dh Tuhan kurniakan klebihan, trima je la.. ni x, nk kutuk2 lg.. kang kna amik lek, bru nk nyesal.. hargai apa yg kita ada.. jgn menghina.. ha, ni satu lg prangai.. ada lak yg suka membangga dri ngan rupa diorg.. mmg la kau tu kacak/cantik.. tp itu x memberi kau hak nk mgata org len.. kutuk pn xnak berigt2.. apa2 pn.. igtla.. diorg pn manusia gak.. jgn mgharp mlampau drpd diorg..

hah, tu je la yg aku nk tulis wat masa ni.. ada masa aku cuba lg.. sbenarnya, kacak/cantik atau x ni x pntg sgt (agk pntg. utk imej).. yg pntg samada kita syg org tu dan org itu syg kita.. trima satu sama len seadanya.. bersyukur ngan apa yg kita ada..

*sedar hakikat hidup*

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

being alone..

okie.. let me tell u guys something about myself.. although im always seen with frieds all around me.. im actually is a loner.. i somehow love to live in secrecy.. doing everything on my own. sitting alone in a dark room.. only me and no one else.. sometimes, i dont understand myself either.. i dont find people's company to be bad.. but i prefer being alone.. like my friend once said to me.. " u always have your private time for yourself sai..".. it is nothing bad about having friends around.. but i tend to get irritated when they are always around.. no offense.. but sometimes i dont feel like talking to anyone.. and i think my friends do notice about my behaviour.. lol.. of course they realise.. but why do i like being alone.. it is boring and up to an extend.. tiring for doing nothing.. but ot is the freedom of being who i want to be is the pleasure that im looking for.. again.. like what i always say about myself.. im not who they think i am.. and sometimes when im alone.. memories starts coming back.. and some are sweet while some are haunting.. bad memories that i dont want to remember anymore.. call me selfish.. call me emo.. i dont really care because this is what i am.. a big, fat loner..


Saturday, August 8, 2009

about me..

hmm.. nowadays, i have being having one of the weirdest problem of all.. exposing my secrets by accident.. although for some it might be okie.. but for me it means more than that.. it is about my openness with the others.. maybe i think it is the time for me to start sharing my experiences in life before.. my life was destroyed before.. and i think im somehow doing some charity by sharing it with others.. although charitable was never one of my virtue since before.. for some, sharing their dark past is quite embarrassing especially if it is full of nasty things you have done before.. but for me let just share it so that it could stray the others from going to it.. im done being a goodie two shoes.. it is just tiring to be someone you are not.. and somehow still have your dignity and morale with you all the time..

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

it never rain.. it pours..

huhu.. looking at the title might make you think that im going to talk about the ever changing weather.. but nope.. it is about misfortune.. can you just imagine it starts as early as 8.00 in the morning.. okie.. i was having a sausage bun which was filled with ketchup and mayonnaise.. and someone came and approach my friend who was next to me.. and he greeted me to.. and i think i gave him some of my ketchup to his palm.. lol.. bad me.. then, i realised that there were spots of ketchup on my shirt.. s**t, why must it be there.. so i went to the toilet to clean it up.. and again.. somebody accidentally press the soap dispenser too hard until the soap spurts all over my back.. say what!! and my day was yet to start and these doesnt looked good.. luckily there was my jacket.. my baby nescafe as being called by my friends.. so, it becomes my shirt of the day.. then, the class starts and what i get was only confusions and more confusion.. i dont get what my instructor wants.. nobody is perfect in his eyes.. then, i move on to the next class.. major catastrophe.. i accidentally spurt one of the biggest secret about me to the rest of my classmates and it somehow brings horror to my lecturer.. and everyone else who doesnt know me.. my friends were saying you had kantoi.. big time this time.. i was flushed.. my face was red.. im ashamed.. felt like dying that instant.. and names starts coming out from my friends' mouth.. haish.. and i had to endure it for the whole day.. how am i going to face my classmates and lecturer later.. AAAAHHHHH.. MALU SIOT...

*embarrassed to the limit*

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

im feeling very..

the emotional turmoil in myself has started to turned into a bugger.. it disturbs me all the time.. it gives me weird feelings and all sort of emotion in less than a few second.. one second i might be that happy person.. the next i might be horny, emo and the worst pessimist.. out of the sudden i just can burst into tears.. crap about insignificant matters.. laughing my heart out.. and all within a very little time constrain.. am i having some kind of mental illness or what.. is it because i've been keeping everything in myself for too long until i can no longer control the emotions i have?? please.. i dont want to be like this anymore.. seriously, the time of my depression has been one of the worst period of my life and somehow im feeling that it is relapsing.. go away.. dont come near me again.. let me enjoy my youth.. damn you depression.. you've been into my life once and you shall not return.. i dont want you.. seriously.. im scaring a lot of people.. including myself for my own behaviour.. somebody out there.. come and save me. hehe.. that sounds corny.. i dont think i need professional help though.. i just need someone to share all these with.. and that person is yet to be found.. and no offense.. it is not that friends cant help me.. but i need more.. damn.. im crazy..


Monday, July 20, 2009

need it when i dont feel like having it..

seriously, that is what im feeling right now.. especially about love.. i need it very badly.. yet, im too lazy to fall in love again as what i got from it was nothing but hurt and pain.. it may sounds too pessimistic but that just it.. i dunno whether i still have faith in love.. but i believe one day this situation will change.. i really hope though.. although im currently in love with someone and without that person knowledge.. i just dont feel like taking the one more step because i might going to be hurt again.. hehe.. so coward of me.. i hate myself at the current time.. for having this emotional turmoil.. and the biggest problem would be i do not dare to share anything about my feelings with my friends because it is just too embarrassing.. i changing again.. god.. please bring me to the correct path.. this few days.. i started to become more spiritual.. haha.. that doesnt sound like me at all but it happens.. and sometimes i act differently and very conscious about what people think of me.. i need faith but i dont have it in anyone.. i dont trust anyone right now.. for god sake knows why.. it is necessary as i cant do anything all by myself but it is just too hard to give to people.. please.. shine some light of revelation on me.. and show that the world is not that dark.. there is always bright light in the end of the tunnel.. im currently in the middle.. i the middle of it.. let just hope i pass this tunnel before the light vanishes from my eyes.. where my soul and body will be apart.. and never to get together again..

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

life.. as it goes..

hmm.. recently, my life starts to look like a student.. study sessions start.. assignments start coming in.. groups are being reformed.. so, my study life has been great and normal so far.. i hope no more countless nights of waking up and last minutes work this semester.. dont procrastinate Sai.. huhu..
however, my actual life hasnt been that nice.. im still out of love.. yup.. you might think that this is no big deal.. well, i thought the same way too.. at first.. but later in time.. it starts to takes its toll on me.. seriously, it is way painful.. and i starts to talk about it all the time.. and my friend once asked me whether those guys who appeared in my life previously are true people or not.. because i never kept any picture of them in my possession.. i cant keep them actually.. firstly.. it is wrong.. secondly.. i will then look at those pictures over and over again.. and think of the olden days and finally end up.. crashing myself up into million pieces.. i cant bear seeing their faces again.. especially you, ***.. you know who you are.. you got me real bad.. drifting away from you is hard.. and i hope i can go through it.. even falling in love with someone new still won't take my mind of you.. which im currently doing it at the moment.. it is just myself.. every time something bad happened in my love life.. i tend to let love spell backfire..
i know this might sounds lame.. but that is the truth.. im not all strong, bubbly guy that people see.. im a whole different person inside.. but i shall never let the inner ME get out again because it has gone out once.. and i affected everyone with the negative vibe it brings.. help me leash my inner self.. dont pull its trigger..

*acting calm*

Saturday, July 11, 2009


there was once.. a boy.. who had climbed a mountain.. the mountain was so nice.. beautiful and serenating.. and it is far more beautiful than the swiss alps.. but who would have thought in such a perfect place.. the snow that lie on the peak of it was just waiting for its time.. to turn into a big avalanche.. and destroy everything that the boy loved so much.. although the boy tried to make the mountain into what he loved again.. it was unsuccessful.. and he finally ending up leaving the mountain.. and move on with life.. but stil.. memories from the place will never leave him.. as it was one of the nicest memories ever occured in the boy's mind.. and the place shall stay in his mind forever.. as the mountain was his confidante.. the place where he finds comfort when the world was against him.. when his loved one betrayed him.. and now.. the boy is left alone.. with no one to console and comfort him.. although there are other mountains that he could climb in order to find peace and assurance.. but it will never be tha same like the mountain he loved and cared so much..

*crying inside*

Sunday, July 5, 2009

starting fresh.. or not..

well, let just say im back to my old place to continue my study here.. and meet my friends again.. and luckily i got into the same room with two of my friends.. well, the policy states that friends from same courses could not fill the rooms with themselves only.. fine.. like it would bother me.. and somehow this year.. the level of obscenity of this friend of mind has increase way a lot.. it sometimes bothers me.. but only sometimes..
however, most of my friends say one thing about me.. i've changed.. im no longer the Sai that they have known.. im not that crazy as before.. im not as soft as before.. and less cruel too.. heh, really.. yup, i feel the same way too about myself.. im having one of the biggest identity crisis in my life.. i dunno which way to follow.. previously.. it is easy for me to cry for someone.. now, there is always something that will stop me..
meeting new people.. we might have crushes.. i have one.. but it dont even last for a week.. which was weird for me.. usually it took me badly.. this time.. i choose not to like that person anymore.. so, maybe it's true that i've changed emotionally.. however, crushes took my friend badly.. he lost his appetite.. get emotional easily.. hmm, weird to see him like that.. old stories still haunts me.. *** still hasn't picked up his phone for the up tenth time.. *** still dont have the courage to talk to me after what have happened.. im still waiting.. you just love to make me wait..
classes.. i have sorted myself into a class full of new classmates.. although i havent met them yet.. but im optimistic about it.. they cant be that bad.. our juniors also looks more fun than us.. and they really like us(i hope)..
that is all for now.. i dunno what else i could talk about.. updates later..


Thursday, June 25, 2009

things to do and things that happened..

haah.. who would have thought that preparation to uni can be this tiring.. from one thing to another.. and still.. until now.. im not fully ready yet.. okie.. let me tell you about things that have happened.. yesterday.. we went to my mother's former office to look for confirmation on the form.. and what a shock to find that most of my mom's ex colleague are no longer there.. most have either moved or retired.. hmm.. no more familiar face lor.. but still she can find her old friends there.. talked for hours.. duh, understandable.. then, we settle our job and start moving.. okie.. let me tell you.. previously, it rained.. so the road was rather slippery.. okie, back to the story.. while driving.. we saw one of the ost weird and kind situation happened right in front of us.. a taxi driver stops his vehicle and went out of the car just to help a small child to cross the road.. how nice of him.. he makes me think that there are still people who are that good and kind-hearted.. then, we continued our journey.. and we saw a bad accident.. let me just say.. both cars dont look like cars anymore.. and to our surprise.. we almost make a 2nd accident there.. luckily we stopped in time.. huhu.. talk about blood rush.. then, we almost get into another accident again.. in less than 5 mins.. say what!! then.. we drive to home.. with a dumbstruck look on everyone's face.. lol.. so, moral of the story.. sometimes.. good things are followed by bad things..


Saturday, June 20, 2009

start all over again..

hmm.. looks like im going back to Shah Alam.. to further my studies of course.. will spend the next 4 years there.. with a new bunch of people with addition of the old ones.. im okie with that.. i dont mind making new friends.. but still.. although im happy to go to a place i've known.. it is still sad to be separated from some of my closest friends.. the people who always listen to my problems.. discuss my work with and do things together.. especially eating out.. hmm.. i guess i have to learn how to cope with the separation.. i just wish the best of luck to everyone..

*mixed feelings*

Thursday, June 18, 2009

What do you expect?

Have you ever heard stories where one person is unfaithful and he/she expects the partner to be faithful.. and worst.. controlling the partner.. check about the partners whereabout or what he/she is doing while being unfaithful at the same time.. better still, ask their partner about who are the girls/guys that recently appear in their life and tell their partner to get away from those people.. wow.. im amazed by this kind of people.. how can you expect something like that when you yourself are not doing it.. haha.. this kind of people make me laugh.. you want fidelity while being infidel.. what do you expect.. i bet the person they are seeing right now are also doing the same.. unless that person is hopelessly devoted to the person.. in that case it is your bad.. please.. if you really love a person.. love that person only.. don’t try to say that you loved him/her while keeping at least one more as what we call spare parts.. i believe in monogamy although i don’t resent polygamy.. it is just that it is so funny to see someone trying to teach someone else about loyalty while they have thrown away their loyalty a long time ago..


Im scared of matrimony..

Seriously, im not in any authority to talk about this as i am still very young.. barely reach the second decade of my life.. but from what i’ve seen right now.. it makes me feel scared about marriage.. joining two different families into one big family.. seriously, it is scary.. and there will always be voices that may like and dislike the new family member.. and i don’t think i have the heart to let anyone go through something like that.. especially someone i love so much.. just because the new family member is not used to the new culture.. that person is considered snobbish.. not friendly.. doesn’t know how to be in a family.. did they all forget that not everyone’s upbringing is the same to one another.. some family may take great care of family values but some might not care about it at all.. some were thought how to mingle with others, while some not.. and people still can’t accept this.. hey.. each individual have their own right to be who they are.. it is sad to see these happening.. pity that bride or groom.. you are not only marrying the person you love.. but the family to.. and if you can’t adapt to the new family style.. you just plain dead.. some are born friendly and some need time to become close to others.. and family mostly hope that they got the born friendly person.. looking at my future.. i might end up with the” need time to be close” people..
Another reason is i don’t have good role model to follow in order to bring up my family.. all i see is men who dominate women and treat them not so nicely.. this happens in real life and also the mass media.. and people say that we learn from what we see.. i don’t want to be like that.. but i have a tendency to be one.. damn.. pity the person who’s marrying me.. seriously.. im scared of marriage because of that.. family acceptance and role model..


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Lovesick people make me sick..

Lovesick is a condition where you can find it in people who are madly in love.. but some goes beyond acceptable borders and just can stop talking about their so called soulmate.. and being a listener to those stories can be painful too.. they keep on going “you know my honey blah blah blah..” and the stories are just never ending.. heck about it.. you know what.. i don’t care.. yes, i do tell stories to my friends about my partner but only when i have problems with my partner.. not all the time.. the case right now is some lovesick people just want to tell stories about their loved ones and see our reaction.. what do they want?.. the look of envy in our eye?.. for some.. they might get it.. but not from me.. i just freakin don’t care seriously.. im sick of lovesick people.. it is ok for you guys to fall in love but can you guys keep the details to your personal keeping only?.. it’s fine to tell about your loved one once in a while but all the time?? That is beyond acceptable..


*Love Bug- JoBro*

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Rejected due to circumstances..

After the long wait.. the answer is finally revealed.. and it’s a no.. and im ok with it.. hehe.. weird right.. and it is because we could not face the distance that we might face later in life as im pursuing my studies in other state.. not in my hometown.. and when we are far away from each other, we tend to do something that could ruin our relationship.. so, *** chose not to pursue with the idea of being partners.. ok, at first i was disappointed.. but then again.. look on the bright side.. we are now certain of our feeling and we are going to cherish the moment that we have right now.. for now, we are dating but we are not an item.. we are more than friends but less than partners.. that’s the status.. haha.. love ya.. you will always be my comfort and i don’t have to worry about going out with others and hurt your feeling.. and the same goes to you..

*loving somebody*

Festivity catastrophe..

During festivities..we can never know what is going to happen next.. things might go smoothly as planned or mishap might happen and we are so not prepared for it.. well, in my case, the second scenario happened.. just when we were busy with my uncle’s wedding feast.. i was shocked at the glance of my ex at the feast.. what in the heck is +++ doing here?? Only later to find out that +++ is invited by my uncle himself.. they are friends.. say what!!.. i cant focus because of it ok.. everything goes wrong for me.. and seeing +++ with partner kills me inside.. i feel like attacking.. hey, i still love +++.. we separate because of principle collides with love.. haish.. hated it.. seeing +++ there without being able to do anything.. then, families.. when they gather means there are stories to tell.. and they cant be not so nice sometimes.. hmm.. i don’t want to talk or get involved in it.. let them be.. even when things involve me..


Waiting for an answer..

I have known this person for so long.. Since I was still in secondary school.. We were once together as an item but for all the wrong reason.. I used *** to forget about my past relationship.. the person take me although *** is already in another relationship.. but it doesn’t last that long.. we end up in separate ways as I could not lie to my heart and *** partner.. so, we get on with our life.. then, things happened again in my life.. I seek for *** again to heal my broken heart.. again, the wrong reason.. we almost did something bad.. but it did not happen.. luckily.. after a while.. i said enough with this lying and end my relationship with *** again.. and get on with life.. then, being single and no one in my mind, i still seek for ***.. *** is my comfort.. *** is always there when i need ***.. every time i have problem, although *** cant help, *** will always be there.. and *** even sing to me one of the most loveliest song without i expecting any from *** and i think.. maybe *** is the one i’ve been looking for.. after much consideration and advice from a friend, i decided to try my luck with *** this time.. who knows.. third time is the luck.. i confessed everything to *** and say i truly love *** this time and won’t play *** feeling anymore.. *** was startled by my confession and ask me to give*** time to think about it.. so, i give *** what *** need and will never push ***.. it’s up to *** now.. can’t wait for Monday where all will be revealed..


*when you look me in the eyes- JoBro*
(written on friday)

Friday, May 29, 2009

This is a hate post..

Caution: this is a hate post.. It is written when I am seriously mad at something that just happened to me.. It started just like the usual, nothing much, but later the matter totally annoys me.. I felt sabotaged.. betrayed.. by someone who i respected before.. although i never look at the person that high before.. i always know she hates me.. it is shown by her gestures.. her words.. her action.. whenever i am around.. but it is just me and i think it doesn’t hurt her at all.. and i never thought she would do something so dishonest like this.. so what.. if you have problems with me, just tell it to my face.. don’t need to stab me from behind.. this is concerning my future and people’s impression on me.. you could just say it to me.. not attack me where i got no authority at all.. i call this dirty and sleazy.. someone that people look high upon and give education on something so holy can be so low.. shame on you.. yes, no one is angel and you can always hate other people.. but giving something so undeserving to the person that you hate is just plain bad.. we call it ‘Zalim”.. not putting something where it deserve to be.. seriously.. i never see this coming.. and now it hurts me badly.. i thought we are supposed to be honest in our work and never let personal matters meddle with works.. well, i think this has gone too personal.. seriously, what was playing in your mind when you decide it.. i don’t want to know and i don’t want to see your face again.. you have just put bad impression on all your colleagues in my point of view.. you just have to judge someone from the way they bring themselves and not the work they have done, eh.. im disappointed.. let just hope im the last person that you do this to.. because remember the principle of karma.. what goes around comes around..

*concoction of hatred and madness , with a pinch of disappointment*

Love.. when it will hit me..badly..

Sometimes when we found someone that we like so much and we think that he/she could be the person for you.. it is not really love.. it is mostly a crush.. usually they are just too perfect to be real.. and you never have a chance to get that person.. not in a million years.. love is usually given by someone you will never care for at first.. then that person enters your heart slowly and finally get implanted there.. and he/she usually doesn’t possess all the things that you want in a person.. he/she will have his/her share of flaws.. but these are things that make you attracted to him/her.. im longing for that person to appear in my life.. i want to share my life with that person.. through thick and thin.. sometimes living alone is simply dull.. nothing much to say.. no one to talk to.. yes, family is a place where you could find comfort.. but not all can be shared with them.. like your wildest desire.. heck i will never share that with them.. never.. i miss the feeling of security when the person is around.. when the world feels like it belongs to us.. and yes.. im a PDA person.. i show my love to my loved one in my public.. so what.. it’s a free country.. love.. when will you appear again in my life??..

*missed being loved*

Monday, May 25, 2009

life.. in my point of view..

I don’t know how to say. It is not my fault things end up this way. And it is also not your fault too. Let just say, it is our fault. We are immature and we make decisions in haste, without thinking of the consequences it may gives later. And now here we are, regretting on the things that could be avoided in the first place. But no, we let our emotions take control of our mind. Seriously, matters of the heart should never meddle with the brain. It does nothing but disruption. We lose our senses, we act inappropriately, and we do everything that is wrong and avoid everything that is right. Our mind is blocked by our heart if they are ever get together. They should never be together, not in any occasion or time. They does not sync to each other. They should stay where they are.

And some people say, you can find happiness if you found love. Is it real? I mean both. The statement and love. Would you really be happy if you found love? Then, how would you explain those people who lived happily through all these years alone without any companion alongside them? Are you saying that they are just faking it? That they cry in the middle of the night for the fear of dying alone, going through their life alone with no one to share their happiness with? Seriously people, I don’t think so. They are happy with themselves. Even people who are in love can sometimes feel alone. They have other things to do with their lives than think about having a partner. And we have heard many cases of people who are madly in love still feeling all down and sad and even commit suicide (gasp!) because of love. Is that happiness? Seriously, if that is happiness, I don’t want it. I love my life. And concerning love, is it real? Some may say yes and some may say no. I think it is both. Real love may still exist in the community of lower or middle income people but in rich people, love is mostly for something else, money and materials. Could you imagine a girl of such young age could get married to a man who she should probably call him grandpa and vice versa and say it is all because of love? Seriously, I don’t believe it. Look at the old man or woman bank accounts, I bet it would have at least ten million. As for the people of the middle class, real love maybe; just maybe still exist as we are all from the same level. No hindrance from something that we call money. Although I am someone who loves money more than people, I can always say that this behaviour is bad. But, it is up to you to decide your path of life.

Another funny thing that people want us to believe when we were small is believe in your dream and go for it. Yeah right, like it is ever going to happen. We grow up with that mindset being implanted in our mind but soon as we come to age, we realised that all our dream will never come to reality. Haha.. laugh for yourself, for believing that dream will once come to reality and you will live happily ever after. Fairy tales should be demolished. They just corrupt young minds. Once grown up, we realised that our lives is controlled by the current economic condition and we work for the best offers, meaning work with the highest pay. And years and years of education in the system do nothing but vanishing out those dreams in our head and replace them with more realistic approach to life. And there are a few people who are happy with their life post-brainwash, but most ask themselves, why they end up like the way they are. Some do chase their dreams but only a few succeed and live the life they have always wanted.

Seriously, life is a big jigsaw puzzle and we are all a part of it. We just need to locate where is ur position in the puzzle and place ourselves correctly. Never try to place yourself at someone else’s spot because the only thing that you will feel is awkwardness. Think about it.


Friday, May 22, 2009

of frustrations and regrets..

seriously, im not feeling very well right now.. one mishap over another.. it keeps on happening to me.. one of the most obvious is the money i have.. it keeps on going down and never top up.. crappy interview.. how can make such a stupid and silly mistakes that i know i can prevent myself from doing it?.. question to ask nobody accept myself.. then, my results was out.. well, im out from the dean's list this semester.. damn.. even worst, most of my result had a great downfall, from A to B, from B+ to B-.. hahh.. im stressed out by all these.. seriously, people said cool down, in life there will always be ups and downs.. well, im not the kind of person who accept downs very well.. i love being superior..


Thursday, May 14, 2009

mixed feeling because of current situation..

i cant really say what are my feelings right now.. they are all mixed up.. like potion in a witch's cauldron.. all gooey and shiny.. very prominent.. im happy for myself and the chance to might continue my studies in the field that i've been in the past one year.. but im also sad to lose my friends who didnt get the interview.. they are really, very close to me and knowing the fact that they might never be seen by me again is sad.. very sad.. things will never be the same without them.. im uncertain about starting a new relationship with someone.. it's because im uncertain about my own feelings.. am i going out with the person just to forget someone else or i really love the person.. i do not have the heart to break another person's heart as it hurts me to.. im excited about some events that are about to happen.. i give people advices on things in life.. but i sometimes stumbled in life.. i just dunno what to feel in life.. right now..


Friday, May 8, 2009

i sit by the window

i sit by the window
watching the meadow outside
the daisy shakes as the wind blow
with no sign when it will subside

then, the daisy can take no more
broken into half, at the middle it breaks
no more place for the bee to snore
no more honey for the bee to make

i supposed to help, without further due
but instead i stay
because i know nothing i can do
the daisy has passed away

and here i stay
in my room, by the window
watching as the daisy lay
with remorse and sorrow