Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Moving back into the family home..

I have lived a life on my own for the past six years. Six years of being able to support myself. Six years of so called independence. I loved it, very much. I am free to do things on my own, set my own schedule, be my own self. I always thought that this streak will go on till the end of my days. Fact, I quit my job early last November and till now, I am unable to land a new one. My decision was rushed but it was well thought. Well, not so much since I decided to bail out without a plan. I thought my credentials could land me a job easily. How wrong, stupid and naïve I was. So, here I am now, a financially crippled adult man in this material world. I am in a career comatose.

Like many adults who find it too difficult to live on their own, one option we all have though it’s hard to take is to move back in with your family. Why do I say it is hard, well, I put up a show when I lived with my family for the first 18 years of my life. I was unable to be myself and I even faced severe depression when I was in my late teen years due to identity issues and guess what? I masked them all so well until till this day, none of them knew what I was facing and who I really am. I am just not that connected to my family, despite being in a close knitted family. It’s not them, it’s me. So, upon facing this situation, after seeing how the money in my saving account dwindling down as day goes by, I decided to take this big step backwards. Packed my stuff and here I am, in my old room.

The thing is, this action speaks a lot to me. At times, it screams “you're a failure who fails to launch!” and “pfft, so much for building success in early age”. Then, the sense of losing my privacy. I use to live like a solitary person. I choose when to speak and I spend most of my time on the net and less with the real world. I am not afraid of offending anyone because they aren’t family. However, here, I need to interact constantly to not offend them and also to avoid questions. Questions about why am I like this. I have no answer to that, that’s just me. I am a person who has major anxiety issues when it comes to interaction. This is bad for me.. and them as well..

But here I am, too late to say anything. I am constantly hoping to find a job nearby so that I can move on with my life and also maintain communication with them. Just a way that I can fix myself to be a better family person. But luck and opportunity haven’t been on my side now. I shall just wait..

P/s: not having high speed internet is killing me!!


Haki said...

We are 24. We have plenty of time to find out what we really want and what we are really meant to do on Earth. Keep strong. We're going to be fine. :D

junior_sysco said...

yeah, i guess so. for some reason, i think being 24 is old because most of my family member start their adult life at this age hence the insecurity. but as you've said, we're still at the age of figuring things out. i just hope i can stay strong through it..