a nutcase who doesn't know how to prioritise..

the title refers to none other but yours truly. seriously, i am having a problem in prioritising what is necessary and important in my life at the moment. i am living the moment as if i am on a break or vacation while the actual fact is, i am supposed to bust my hind off to finish something that has been put on hold by me. yes, everything that has happened in my life is all because of my own doing and i am in no place to accuse others. i am rather baffled by my lack of scare in not finishing what am i supposed to do in time. what is wrong with me? what has happened to that overly competitive side of me? what? you met failure once and now you find it hard to stand up again? guess my willpower is a sissy. and whose fault is that? me! myself!arghh, i don't get myself and i hate when this happens because i am the person who understand me the most but i cannot do anything. erghh, i'm so mad at myself, i want to jump into the sea and be eaten by fishes to release the hate. F is wrong with me? i am so disappointed with my own self..

im still a kid in the eyes of others..

Hari Raya, a day to celebrate the end of Ramadhan, the fasting month, and your success in fasting, if you are fasting. if not, it is just a celebration for you to show your latest addition to your wardrobe and catching up session with friends and families. for most, it is both and for me especially. every hari raya, i will go back to my mom's hometown for the gathering at the house of my late grandparents on my mom's side. there, i will meet with my aunts and uncles, cousins and new additions, you know, in-laws.. usually, i am very excited about this because it is not common for us to be seeing each other often because we are scattered all over the state. however, this year, i dreaded it slightly, just for the fact that i felt like a failure for not finishing my studies on time. yeah, i am that hard on myself. although i know there are more people facing the same thing, i am not used to it.

what is hari raya without the duit raya. well, usually it is given to those who are still studying and young. as the age grows, the money flows away. the older you are, the lesser you get. i, supposedly, am out of age to receive duit raya anymore. hey, im 23, i know i am an adult already although i constantly deny it. so, to be missed in terms of duit raya does not bother me anymore. however, this year, i realised that people still treat and see me like a child and give me duit raya. i got about 7 money envelopes, like what?! guess i am still a kid in people's eye..

*pleased*

Well accepted..

I dreaded the gathering. Like seriously. I did not want to meet anyone and explain my situation to people. But deep inside, I know it was inevitable. I was worried sick.

Later I found out that all my worries were for nothing because people seemed to understand it well. They did not even give me the judging look when they heard or listened about it. Guess I am blessed to have this supportive environment..

Dreaded gathering..

Family gathering has always been something that I fancy especially during festive times. However, with the current situation that I am in the moment, I dread it so much. I hate explaining and what more hurtful is their assumption of me due to past events. I promised myself that I will do my best to avoid history from repeating but somehow the effort I have put at the moment is seriously suggesting otherwise. To be honest, I don't want to keep explaining my situation but it is something inevitable. Damn, I hate this..

*life is such a drag*