Thursday, April 3, 2014

throwing away fragments of a dream..

since i was a kid, i have always loved drawing. once, i even thought of making art as a way of me making a living. i shall be an artist. later in life, i developed this liking towards art through another medium, that is fashion. i see clothes as more than just something you put on yourself for the sake of decency. i see it as a way to express yourself and also a language on its own to explain who you are and what are your choices in life. due to this, i started sketching. a lot. i had a stack of sketchbooks i have collected over the years containing what i see possible to be on a human body. i kept them all as a reminder of who i am and what i want and who knows, might be. fashion had become the dream of my life.

to be honest, i never thought that this day will ever come. the day where i will throw away my dream because somebody says so. a day that i decide that the dream is no longer mine. a day that it ends. it started with the cleaning and arranging of the room. upon finishing, we realised there was not much of space left so unnecessary things will have to go. we sorted out a lot of things to be let go such as old magazines, unnecessary paperworks and all. suddenly, a person took a look at my stack of sketchbook s and said

"i don't think we need these. we should just throw them away to make space for other things."

i was silenced. i had no idea how should i stand for them. i just said those were my sketches and i would love to keep them around. the person said,

"ah, sketches, you can always do them later. buy new books and draw more. these mean nothing"

with that, and the agreement of others, those books were gone. stacked with other rubbish. yes, rubbish. that is what those sketches are to other people. however, for me, those are fragments of my dream. those are the representation of what i want to do if i have the right substance. those sketches are what i could and wanted to be. those sketches are something i can call mine.

i heart shattered into million pieces upon that answer. i know there's no salvation and there's no arguing over the decision. i just have to live with it. guess it is time for me to let things go because the truth is, life is not going to be nice to some people despite no matter how much effort they put in. they are just not mean for greatness. well, great pains are for them. people say it's a test. i say it is a cruel game and you are not even a player. you are just the object of the game and the objective is to push you to the edge. take the fall or stay at the edge. your choice, though both are just as nasty.

p/s: i heard they might get burned. how nice it is to see the ashes of what i used to savour as my escape plan..