finding inspiration..

i realised as i get older, the will to write has become lesser and lesser. i am no longer excited about sharing what is happening in my life because to be honest, i am not sure whether am i still living or am i just merely breathing. yeah, life has been stale lately. basically nothing excites me or i am just jaded as f.. like seriously, even bad news cannot make me react nowadays. i am just that dead inside. i am not sure why.

is it because i have lived as an observer for such a long time, i have stopped wanting to be the one living the life i was envious of? to be honest, if i want to say that i dont have stories to share would be a lie but i dont think i know how to put those stories into words. worse, when i read the stories, they reminded me of something that i could never achieve or have in my life, that is being on the greener side of life. yeah, this is the pessimist me writing. deal with it.

anyhow, i think should get active in writing again. maybe i should force myself to write at least a post daily. it is not like anybody is still reading so it doesnt really matter what i write.

It has been a while..

*cleans cobweb* hello, I know I haven't been here for quite some time now. I basically have nothing to write. But, something had happened in my life lately and it has sparked the desire to write again.

For those who have followed this blog for a long time, you would know I write the most when I'm facing heartbreak. Well, that's basically what I am facing at the moment. After years of solitary and not feeling the need to open up my heart, I decided to give love a try again. Guess what? Heartbreak follows suit. Shit..

I am a firm non believer of online dating. I used to find it nonsensical. How can you love someone you've never met? Guess who had to swallow back all the words? Yours truly that is.. I met the person online, through that picture sharing socmed. Well, aesthetic wise, my type! Personality wise, hate to admit but it's my type too. You know, douchey and obnoxious. Yes, I'm that stupid repeat offender for abusing myself in shitty relationship. This time was no different. I have had my heart broken more than the years I remained single and we're not even an item yet. I am stupid but I cannot help it!

An ex even came back into my life just to warn me about the new person and I chose to ignore because I believe in a new beginning. Well, new means something different. It won't work when you still fall for the same thing over and over again. I knew better but I just could not care. Again, broken, in the brain and heart.

So yeah, I am back to being single and maybe I should plan for solitary life. Having a person in my life seems like an ordeal I don't think I am capable of handling. (Yeah sure, guess who will fall head over heels when the next chance comes? Me!)

Football

I have never been a fan of football.. Wait, I was! Some times when I was younger, but the feeling died, like most things in my life. What? I went dark too soon. Anyway, love for football is long gone and I don't think I can love it  anymore. But, life, being the silly jester it is, decided to force me to love the sport, or maybe handle it. Like what? I can't even with life at the moment. Why are you placing me in this mess! Whatever, love will never be in so I just need to learn how to manage..

Death..

Death has been a recurring theme in my life lately. from family members to the people around me. it makes me think, life in this world really is fragile and to a certain extend, short. death is not an easy topic to talk about. it is something that most people will try to avoid talking, because it's confirmed, but at the same time, unknown and uncertain. it is a paradox, while in the same time a closure. it is something mysterious yet known. it is opposite.

death has always impacted the lives of the people who still lives then the one under the ground already. those living people are the one who have to face the grief, the sadness, the regret, the unfinished feelings. we faced it worse than the one who left us. well, religious wise, they have something to face too, but in this reality, we are the one facing all these unsettled emotions. for what? the dead will not come back, that's for sure. i guess that is why we have mourning period, for us to get our heads back to its original state. till then, we have to face this temporary madness. a purgatory of sad emotions.

*inspired by the death of my sis who passed away from cancer. may God bless her soul*

Surprises.. Good and not so good ones..

Hello blog, it has been a while. I did not have anything to write not because there was nothing happening in my life. It is because things that happened were so messed up, they left me feeling down and low most of the time. However, will vent it out here just for the sake of writing.

I have finally started my long holiday.. To my surprise was a no holiday at all. My sister were diagnosed with Cushing's Syndrome and hospitalised and it has become a DAILY routine for us to visit her. Pfft, shouldn't have made holiday plans in the first place then I wouldn't have this heartache. I was planning to visit a place I called home for 7 years before moving back to my hometown and now the town I'm living. Visit all the usual places and for once, feel like I am where I belong. Guess dreaming was too much of a luxury for me.

Then, another surprise! I am transferred to another workplace despite only being at the previous one for about 3 months. It is still within the same district tho and this time around, the place is even deeper. Whatever, life has been throwing me lemons since forever so this is just another one. I am hopeful but not putting too much hope as I know how my life works..

So, yeah, those are basically the highlights of my life in these few months I stayed absent from the blog. What a highlight, right? Hahaha. Yes, I have to see my life as a joke only to go through it without wanting to end it.

Too used to loneliness

Since I was a young child, going out was never something I look forward to. I am what we call a domestic person. I can stay at home for days without going out and still feel alright after that. However, back then, I have my family with me. I was never alone. Otherwise can be said for loneliness though.. You can be lonely in the sea of thousands..

The thing started to grow on me when I moved out from the family house and lived on my own. I got to know the joy of staying alone and be with no one else but me. I started appreciating the silence. After some time, I got so used to it. I find living in silence as the way to live. I was never lonely but I live in loneliness. I got addicted to it.

Now, I find it hard to live like a normal person. A community unit. All because I'm too used to being all by myself. It is not that I don't try. I just find it to be a hassle. I am too used to loneliness. It has become my way of life.

Duvet weather..

Hahaha, the title is in reference to the weather on the first day back to work after a week long holiday. How cruel is nature to tease you as such. After a whole week of beautiful mornings, on the day that you should work your arse out, the duvet weather appears! Like why?? Ugh.. It just strengthen the love between my bed and I.. Hahaha anyway just telling that I am back to working and I will face this term with more optimism. HAHAHA