Friday, August 19, 2016

Finding my way back here

It wasn't easy going day by day, feeling jaded and uninspired. Every day feels like a drag and meeting the same people for a short amount of time is taking a toll on my social skills. I talk less and nothing excites me nowadays. It took me long and hard thinking to finally come to this solution. I need to write again just to avoid emotional build up. For your information, I am now living all by myself and adult interaction is something rare. Hence, this is my salvation to keep my mind sane and remain functional.

Life has been seriously overwhelming nowadays. I am still in the stage of figuring out things despite having been doing the same thing for a year now. I understand that learning is a life long process but one year in and still not even competent? I am not used to that. Well, maybe I am too hard on myself but I can't help it. That's how I survived being ignored or not cared about earlier. Yeah, I am my own best friend and worst enemy. To be honest, when I first got here, I thought it was my calling. I was doing something similar but it did not give me satisfaction due to other commitments that I needed to adhere. So, I thought jumping into this job will give me the satisfaction I crave. Little that I know, I felt stuck and disappointed real soon. Mostly because I'm a result person and not a process person. Let me tell you, human interaction is damn tiring and trying my patience. I don't even know why I bother trying to connect.

I remember the first thing the person said on my first day of duty. "To be good in this field, one needs to remember to be a human". Now, I get what she meant. I am not the best human or even good to begin with. Teaching others to be humans is a feat too bizarre for me. But, I have made this choice and I will have to suck it up! According to terms, I might need to serve for approximately 34 more years.. Damn! Will I live longer than that if this is the state of mind I am having just after a year. It's a point to wonder..

Let's be known that updates will come often as this is my only outlet to let everything off my chest. Till then, toodles!