im feeling very..

the emotional turmoil in myself has started to turned into a bugger.. it disturbs me all the time.. it gives me weird feelings and all sort of emotion in less than a few second.. one second i might be that happy person.. the next i might be horny, emo and the worst pessimist.. out of the sudden i just can burst into tears.. crap about insignificant matters.. laughing my heart out.. and all within a very little time constrain.. am i having some kind of mental illness or what.. is it because i've been keeping everything in myself for too long until i can no longer control the emotions i have?? please.. i dont want to be like this anymore.. seriously, the time of my depression has been one of the worst period of my life and somehow im feeling that it is relapsing.. go away.. dont come near me again.. let me enjoy my youth.. damn you depression.. you've been into my life once and you shall not return.. i dont want you.. seriously.. im scaring a lot of people.. including myself for my own behaviour.. somebody out there.. come and save me. hehe.. that sounds corny.. i dont think i need professional help though.. i just need someone to share all these with.. and that person is yet to be found.. and no offense.. it is not that friends cant help me.. but i need more.. damn.. im crazy..

*crazy*

need it when i dont feel like having it..

seriously, that is what im feeling right now.. especially about love.. i need it very badly.. yet, im too lazy to fall in love again as what i got from it was nothing but hurt and pain.. it may sounds too pessimistic but that just it.. i dunno whether i still have faith in love.. but i believe one day this situation will change.. i really hope though.. although im currently in love with someone and without that person knowledge.. i just dont feel like taking the one more step because i might going to be hurt again.. hehe.. so coward of me.. i hate myself at the current time.. for having this emotional turmoil.. and the biggest problem would be i do not dare to share anything about my feelings with my friends because it is just too embarrassing.. i changing again.. god.. please bring me to the correct path.. this few days.. i started to become more spiritual.. haha.. that doesnt sound like me at all but it happens.. and sometimes i act differently and very conscious about what people think of me.. i need faith but i dont have it in anyone.. i dont trust anyone right now.. for god sake knows why.. it is necessary as i cant do anything all by myself but it is just too hard to give to people.. please.. shine some light of revelation on me.. and show that the world is not that dark.. there is always bright light in the end of the tunnel.. im currently in the middle.. i the middle of it.. let just hope i pass this tunnel before the light vanishes from my eyes.. where my soul and body will be apart.. and never to get together again..

life.. as it goes..

hmm.. recently, my life starts to look like a student.. study sessions start.. assignments start coming in.. groups are being reformed.. so, my study life has been great and normal so far.. i hope no more countless nights of waking up and last minutes work this semester.. dont procrastinate Sai.. huhu..
however, my actual life hasnt been that nice.. im still out of love.. yup.. you might think that this is no big deal.. well, i thought the same way too.. at first.. but later in time.. it starts to takes its toll on me.. seriously, it is way painful.. and i starts to talk about it all the time.. and my friend once asked me whether those guys who appeared in my life previously are true people or not.. because i never kept any picture of them in my possession.. i cant keep them actually.. firstly.. it is wrong.. secondly.. i will then look at those pictures over and over again.. and think of the olden days and finally end up.. crashing myself up into million pieces.. i cant bear seeing their faces again.. especially you, ***.. you know who you are.. you got me real bad.. drifting away from you is hard.. and i hope i can go through it.. even falling in love with someone new still won't take my mind of you.. which im currently doing it at the moment.. it is just myself.. every time something bad happened in my love life.. i tend to let love spell backfire..
i know this might sounds lame.. but that is the truth.. im not all strong, bubbly guy that people see.. im a whole different person inside.. but i shall never let the inner ME get out again because it has gone out once.. and i affected everyone with the negative vibe it brings.. help me leash my inner self.. dont pull its trigger..

*acting calm*

mountains..

there was once.. a boy.. who had climbed a mountain.. the mountain was so nice.. beautiful and serenating.. and it is far more beautiful than the swiss alps.. but who would have thought in such a perfect place.. the snow that lie on the peak of it was just waiting for its time.. to turn into a big avalanche.. and destroy everything that the boy loved so much.. although the boy tried to make the mountain into what he loved again.. it was unsuccessful.. and he finally ending up leaving the mountain.. and move on with life.. but stil.. memories from the place will never leave him.. as it was one of the nicest memories ever occured in the boy's mind.. and the place shall stay in his mind forever.. as the mountain was his confidante.. the place where he finds comfort when the world was against him.. when his loved one betrayed him.. and now.. the boy is left alone.. with no one to console and comfort him.. although there are other mountains that he could climb in order to find peace and assurance.. but it will never be tha same like the mountain he loved and cared so much..

*crying inside*

starting fresh.. or not..

well, let just say im back to my old place to continue my study here.. and meet my friends again.. and luckily i got into the same room with two of my friends.. well, the policy states that friends from same courses could not fill the rooms with themselves only.. fine.. like it would bother me.. and somehow this year.. the level of obscenity of this friend of mind has increase way a lot.. it sometimes bothers me.. but only sometimes..
however, most of my friends say one thing about me.. i've changed.. im no longer the Sai that they have known.. im not that crazy as before.. im not as soft as before.. and less cruel too.. heh, really.. yup, i feel the same way too about myself.. im having one of the biggest identity crisis in my life.. i dunno which way to follow.. previously.. it is easy for me to cry for someone.. now, there is always something that will stop me..
meeting new people.. we might have crushes.. i have one.. but it dont even last for a week.. which was weird for me.. usually it took me badly.. this time.. i choose not to like that person anymore.. so, maybe it's true that i've changed emotionally.. however, crushes took my friend badly.. he lost his appetite.. get emotional easily.. hmm, weird to see him like that.. old stories still haunts me.. *** still hasn't picked up his phone for the up tenth time.. *** still dont have the courage to talk to me after what have happened.. im still waiting.. you just love to make me wait..
classes.. i have sorted myself into a class full of new classmates.. although i havent met them yet.. but im optimistic about it.. they cant be that bad.. our juniors also looks more fun than us.. and they really like us(i hope)..
that is all for now.. i dunno what else i could talk about.. updates later..

*Blank*