Tuesday, January 1, 2013

sudden clarity..

haha, new year is here and here i am, still affected by whatever that has happened from last year. oh please, last year was just yesterday, do not expect me to move on that quickly. i am slow at that.. what? moving on i mean. that is just something i am not good at. pfft, here i am again ranting about how hard it is for me to move on.. darn it Sai, enough.. okie, awkward inner fight just commenced.. nevermind..

oh, anyway, you know how much i love sketching dresses? like a lot. i sketch at all times, as long as there are pen/pencil and paper, i will sketch. i do not know why, i just feel like it. so just now, i was looking at my sketches and it came to me. i am never going to be able to make these come true. well, i do not have the right resources to begin with and i am not sure whether this is a dream that is within reach or just a fantasy i create to really express myself. one thing for sure, i am somehow going to put a halt to that dream for i know it is a waste to keep on thinking about something that will not happen. it is not that i am giving up dreams, i am just being realistic. i am just a human, nothing much i can do in this world. better that i stick with whatever i am doing right now and try to find the balance i need in life. throwing away dreams is not bad, it is just getting even with life. sometimes, what you want is not what you need.

then, regarding matters of the heart. to be honest, being single for the past two years has been my own choice and also my own fault. as aforementioned, i find it hard to move on. i held on to memories and seriously do not live in the moment. with that choice, i live a ruined life. seriously, i want to start anew. i dont mind not having anyone because at the moment i dont think i am fit to be with anyone. but i must no longer live with memories.. seriously, people say there is nothing wrong with having fond memories? BS! this fond memories are the one holding me back, keeping me in a time capsule, making me that non responsive thing i call myself. seriously, i need to let go. how? i should consult myself then.. i am my own counselor.. darn it when the counselor themselves is unable to help..

*turning over a new leaf*