Sunday, May 5, 2013

Still not loving it..

People say that sometimes things that you do not like, if you really put your head into it, finally will get into your head and in the end, love for it will come. Well, blame me exceptional for I am still not in love with what I am doing to finish my course of study despite dwelling in it for more than half of it now. I have no idea why. Well, maybe I am just not made for it. Not the right fit. No point trying to squeeze yourself fitting into a pants too tight or too loose for you. Try to look up something sizeable to you. You will look good and feel good. Not feel bad and look bad. It is that simple. I wish what I wrote in the last sentence is true. About how easy it is to satiate a heart of a human. Please, we are creatures of desire. Most of the time, we want things not we need things. We make the wants become our needs and ended up dying of frustration. Oh, why do not you look at that? How bitter do I sound? Well, that is just me being human. Aint no angel for angels are devotees and do only what the One as them to do. I am a human of will and emotion and lust.

Tried to make the situation seems more inviting. I tend to not think much about them during the practice. But you know what? That just will not happen. I am easily affected by their behaviour despite my attempts to be nonchalant about whatever they are doing in my practice for them. Well, some do make me feel like there is a purpose to what I am doing but most just make me feel it is better for me to just be quiet and see them grow on their own aka neglecting them all together. These are the young ones. The other groups, who is older by just a mere year is a different story. They bring me emotional turmoil from their indifference about my existence. Imagine coming for them, only to be turned down right on the face. Yeah, that feeling of being rejected all over again. Aint beautiful the first time, never gonna be beautiful anytime later. Erghh, how I wish to just run away from all these and reside at a beach house and befriend the welcoming wave and sea breeze. What? Company of non-animates is sometimes better than those with emotions.

*bitter and tired*

3 comments:

Liyana Othman said...

we weren't made for this sai. btu that's not a bad thing, at least not after we're done with all this. :))

junior_sysco said...

i know right? seriously, tired okie talking to people who decided that you're irrelevant despite you are there to help them.. plus, they dont understand me most of the time, which makes it worse.. cannot wait for the end of this! i wanna see happiness again!

Liyana Othman said...

haha so true! Dah la they are in dire need of help. Kalau language dah perfect tu lain la jugak. Plus, I dont know how to teach la. I seriously don't. I know the language for my own personal and professional gain, but I'm clueless when trying to explain it to others. Hopeless. T_T