The exact replica..

So, I met this new person. To be honest, I found the person to be quite cute. Nothing great if compared to those who had came into my life before. But, nonetheless still possess same characteristics and charms that captivate my heart. Well, I can never go far from what I used to have since that is what we call as taste. So, they are similar but different in some ways. Obviously a different person.

However. It bothers me somehow that the person is looking like an exact replica of one of my friend’s ex. Do not worry, I have checked and nope, they are not the same person only that they looked the same. So, I am somehow in doubt whether to go forward or not with the whole thing since that friend of mine is so not over the ex.

What? It is not that I am scared that my friend will try to have the new person. It is the annoyance of constant repetition of your person looks like my ex and telling their so sweet love stories all over again. I cannot bear that! Plus, I am sure that the friend will be extra annoying by wanting to know what will we both do since that friend have some possessive issues. OMG, seriously, I do not know what to do.

So, the whole reason for me considering is not because of the new person and the flaws, but to avoid annoyance from a friend. Weird consideration right? Well, that is just me. I overanalysed everything.

*thinking*

a very late/early post..

it has been a while since i last write a blogpost. well, the main reason would be i am deprived of inspiration. nothing in my life currently excites me. i am just mere living, but not living a life. hmm, maybe because now with Tower is gone and i have no focus on anyone to be my source of inspiration, it is very hard for me to write. what? love drives you to do stuff okie. one of it is writing.

anyway, updates on me is right now i have a job. yes, you heard me right. i got the job for the sake of the extra money which i really need in order to continue running errands in my life. haha. okie, my workplace is actually at the place where i am studying. i am a lecturer's assistant. well, the idea to work came to me when i saw a friend of mine is doing the same thing. so, i think, whattaheck, let me just try. so far, it has been okie. busy, well you are working, obviously business is part of it. but the thing that is cool but in the same time not cool is having an office of my own. a rather big room for myself alone but that is the place allocated for me. so, i'll be alone for the maximum or maybe minimum of 2 hours everyday. huhu, doing some filing work.

seriously, at first i thought the life of a lecturer is easy but after working, i know it is kinda hellish to be honest. with all the bureaucracy and stuff. linkages, omg, i don't know whether i am strong enough to face them later. as for now, i am grateful that i am just a student. talking about student life, this semester, i have a subject form my favorite field, what else? linguistics! it is sociolinguistics. the study of relationship between society and language. hmm, the subject is nice but the class is not. it is rather dull and monotonous. well, maybe this is just the 2nd class, so not everyone gets the hang of it. i bet later it will be great! i hope =_=

that is all for now, anyway, as i am writing this, i am waiting for Elika to write on my Hardisk which has just been formatted due to virus. to kill the time, i write. awesome!!

*sleepy*

i wear a mask everyday..

most of the people who have see me face to face in the real life just cannot believe that i am the one who write this blog. why? because i contradict from this blog tremendously. in this blog, i am someone who is extremely emotional, have great sense of not belonging anywhere and have a dark and negative thoughts about life. however, outside of this context, i am a bubbly, cheerful and up to some extend, a clown and crazy. well, all i can say about this contradiction is that i write my blog when i am down. which is like everyday. and when i am in real life, meeting real people and friends, i treat it as an escapism firm my life which i feel like a miserable piece of crap. so, i try my best to be happy everyday because sadness and negativity have been embedded to me like very closely. i could say that the happiness is the mask i wear everyday. what? you think it is okie to live in negativity everyday? nope, not at all. imagine breaking down everyday for no reason. suddenly, you feel like bursting with emotion and tears. it is no way healthy. but i cannot say anything. i had depression before and somehow i think it is relapsing. OMG, please pray for it not to happen. people say happiness and sadness is the choice you can make in your life, well, i dont think i really have a choice right now. everything bothers me and i hardly share anything with my friends.. huhu

*nega*

i am not happy..

i was hoping for a better environment. i was hoping for a new change. a change that will bring me happiness or at least, peace at heart. well, guess what? i am asking too much actually. it never rains on my life, it pours. my life is a never ending series of unfortunate events. omg, do not let me get started with it.

i thought i will find peace. well, until now, i have not. i am constantly being hurt by the situation or people around me. well, people who are close but to no apparent importance to my life. get what i mean? people who i see everyday but never know who they are. so friends, do not worry, you guys are not a part of this. well, some of you be worried because you guys might be some of the reason why am i not happy. wait, i dont think that friend reads blog anyways.

seriously, it is so bad that i am on the verge of sanity everyday. the depression i am feeling from day to day is gaining bit by bit. and no one knows except those few i have selected.

i dont think i want to write about it. let it be la..

*depressed*

I actually care..

You know there are a lot of time where we have said “like I care” or “ I don’t give a damn whatcha doin’ “ , it is actually a sign of denial. Actually we do care about what the person just did to us. However, we said those words to show who is in control, who is superior and who is who is not the desperate one. I found this behaviour to be absurdly acceptable in daily life. Weird much okie. Besides, it is not that the person who did something or say something that hurt us do es not know that our actual emotion on such event. So, I just do not get it, to whom are we saying those words? To them or to us? Take some time to ponder, will you?

*taken cared of*

change of plan..

well, as most of you have noticed, i have been missing for the past 4 months. well, it was the holiday, i am at home in Penang and sadly, i have no internet access there. wait, to say no is overreacting, i do have internet access but it's 1515. those of you h=who have no idea what is a 1515, it is your typical phone line used to gain internet access. the top speed is..... 50.6 kbPs. Sad, very sad. so, that is the reason behind my disappearance. huhu.

anyways, earlier, i had mentioned about my plan to stay at SA and work to save some money for my own usage. the plan was nice, the planning was impeccable but the execution... FAIL! i went home and the time that i was supposed to come back to SA, i fall sick. hence i stayed home and do nothing. yes, absolute nothing. everyday, i just do chores and watch tv. seriously, no life at all. huhu..

then, i planned to lose weight last holiday. result? fail with flying colours. in fact, i gained a lot of excess weight during the holidays. however, it came to me that maybe i should just embrace my weight rather than fretting about it and see no results after doing a lot of effort to bring it down. i am accepting. huhu. so what if i am fat, if you say things to me, it is just because you are insecure. nuff said.

that is the changes in my plans throughout the hols. just hope this sem will go smoothly, i hate changing plans..

*critical thinking*