Silent midnight stroll..

I was bored. I was lonely. I was jaded. I was not driven. Everything was a dread. I tried to look for some excitement. All I found was discontentment. I don’t know. I was mad, in both meanings. Memories flew through me. Stepped on my heart, left a footprint. I cried. But no tears came out. Ego was playing its role there. But I want to ask you, Ego, from who are you protecting me from? No answer. Guessed so. Then, I made my move. Slowly, I picked up the necessaries with the thought that what if luck were not on my side? What if this was the night where I might be robbed? What if this is the last night all my senses will be used? For one last time. But, I mustered up my wit and said, so what? You will die, when it’s due. I walked, out of the room, out of the house, aimlessly. I was just walking, with no specific direction. I looked around. Looked at people. Looked at expression. Look at emotions. Looked at light. Looked at darkness. I feel empty, insignificant, unimportant and best of all, drugged by unhealthy mental state. What I felt was numbness. Who says you need drugs to feel dissociated? It is all a mind game. Then, I reached the junction. I stopped. I looked at the bus stop thinking, should I go there, like olden days to come to my senses or not, to just stay and look around. I decided on the later. I just took a look around me and then it struck me. I am just a small insignificant creature in the middle of a quiet night, standing like an idiot at a junction, waiting for something to happen. But what? I don’t know. What I know is life is not something I want to pursue. I’m done.

*numb*

bye bye..

it has been a while since i last updated anything on this blog.. reasons?? a lot.. physical and emotional.. i just dont have the capacity to write anything here.. i dont know why, maybe i have not write anything for such a long time until my words can no longer be put in a decent line for others to read.. so i guess i am leaving this blog on its own.. i wont shut it down for i have a lot of fond memories with it.. but i just cannot be with it anymore.. so here i am, signing off from The Blog That is Me.. bye peeps..

*moving away*

i cannot sleep..

a very odd title for a very odd post. seriously, actually, i have been lying on my bed for nearly half an hour before i decide to get up and maybe write something. i dont know why, but lately sleeping has been difficult for me. well, i blame nothing but my previous semester. yes, i can safely call it previous since i am finished with all my examinations and assignments. this is one semester i am not interested in remembering. that is something i am sure of.

btw, currently i am ruled by one of the seven deadly sins. okie, i am usually controlled by at least one, most usual is pride, but this time by the one i hardly recognise. jealousy or covetousness or envy. yes, the green one. and the subject of envy is people around me who had gone back to their hometown and the fact that i am still here, in this ratchet place i call the city of education. well, i think i might offend some people for calling this place ratchet but please, you guys have no idea what has this place brought me. that is not the main point. the main point here is i am envious of people going away from this place.. gosh, i hope this feeling will go soon.. meh, knowing me, it wont last a few days..

hmm, let us talk about issues, first of all is my house. the rented one. now with the peeps that i am not fancy out, i can finally treat this place like a house. before this, i see it as a shelter for me to sleep due to the not so conducive environment. now, i can totally live in it. but, i must be remembered that those are just temporary happiness. last for one month only, then, they will be back and this house will turn into a shelter again. (btw, among the things i am doing at the moment is writing my shopping list, for the house)

then, friends. hmm, i must say friends have been nice to me. or maybe i turned more accepting. i dont know and i dont want to know. i think now i am more relaxed and petty matters wont bother me much anymore. i love this new found maturity, or i must say, self activated ignorance. now i believe in people when they say ignorance is bliss.

partner. i had my closure to my previous relationship. after one whole freaking year. we met and had one day. and we both realised the feeling had died. well, the person moved on and planned to marry the new significant other. i wish the both of you best of luck and be happy together. btw, thanks for the closure. i can move on now, knowing that my heart is back with me again. now, i am free to give it to someone new. definitely not someone like you. what? the relationship failed, so obviously i am looking for someone different because i cannot go with someone like you.

that is all i can think for now.. till later peeps.. out

*writing is something i cannot give up*

of working and me..

this semester is the first semester i ever thought of working. why? well, i have been with my family for way too long and i understand how that they cannot actually support me. what? my mum got other responsibility besides me. nothing that i will complain. due to that, i decided to work. yeah, to support my own living..

living as a student and working at the same time is not that easy. well, besides all the work you have from your academic development side, your career side too is giving you work that needs to be finished on a deadline. oh, btw, i am working at my own faculty for those of you who have no idea about me, although i think most of the readers are people who knows me personally. so yeah, i have been juggling matters in life starting this semester. study and work. to be honest, at times it is just tiring.. i feel like stopping but to no avail due to commitment.. yeah, i maybe hard to commit in a relationship but work, that is something i am sure i can commit very much.

then, end of year approached and to be honest i am glad since it meant the end of my contract. however, to my surprise today, i was called to the office and were asked to continue working. however, this time around at a different office under different body. what? why? i wanted to take a holiday and rest from all these madness.. looks like that is just a dream not to come true.. huhu..

then, a lecturer upon knowing that i wont be working anymore with my previous boss directly booked me to be her helper for the next semester.. wait, that means that i will be working non stop.. this semester break (january to March) and the semester that comes after (march to july) then off to my practicum (July to October ?) then a four months break which i dont know whether they want me still to work for them..

what?! i am a student.. i shouldnt be working all year long.. that is just insane.. my mode is full time, not part time.. but what can i do? i think i will just bare with it.. at least i have money.. my own money..

*working*

drifted year..

this is about the year 2011. i know most blogs have written on this issue. well, include me in the bandwagon. i just need to express my feeling about the year that has just passed. i must say, mine is negative, not likely to be positive at all..

the year starts with the pain from the previous year. the death of my dad. yup, the year starts with a mourn. i was still mourning for the death of my dad. someone that is so dear to me. someone that i look up to and someone that i want to impress so much. i guess now i can only talk to him through my prayer. then, the year also starts with wounded heart from previous year breakup.. a 3 year long relationship that finally ends because the sparks were gone.. and to this day, i am still not healed.. the wound is still open..

then, several mishaps starts to happened.. theft, back stab, lost of friends and many more.. all these make an opportunity for my long oppressed depression to come back into surface.. and i must say, that is a bad thing..

then, there was this long break.. 4 freaking months.. and all i do is nothing.. yeah, nothing.. because i have to face a lot of issues that are beyond my control but i am involved.. i dont even get to have fun.. all i do is just sit and do nothing.. just observe as the world and time pass through me.. i was wasted.. i broke down a few times back at home..

the second half give me no break.. instead more shits.. a lot of issues rose.. friends, housemates, and academic.. then the accidents.. im disgusted by life by the end of it.. almost overdose myself in medication due to the depression.. yup, till that serious..

however, i found friends along the way.. friends that i know will stay with me till the end of this torturous moment in uni life.. they are the ones i cling to in times of need..

the year has passed.. i hope all the bad things remain there, as part of memories.. never to be resurfaced and to be oppressed in the unconscious mind..

*new year, new hope*

i am telling you stories..

okie, actually this is a long delayed update.. i just dont feel like updating.. dunno why.. who cares actually.. btw, i still want to tell the stories.. (the actual reason, i am stuck at the fac and cannot go home due to the rain)

i got myself into an accident last week.. kinda big actually.. i literally laid down on the road.. and i answered so many phone calls during that time.. people seriously? i just got into an accident and you are asking me to answer my calls? be logical people! haish.. anyway.. injured my leg and my bike.. still in healing phase at the moment.. huhu, there goes my beautiful leg.. BEAUTIFUL? LIKE SERIOUSLY DUDE!

then, i bought myself a lot of new stuff which are necessities.. phone because the old one is being a pain and a printer because my old one the ink is unbelievably expensive.. huhu.. seriously, money flows like water.. plus got myself a new phone.. all expenses paid by none other than yours truly.. i am an adult now.. haha.. seriously, this is forced adulthood..

then, life as a student is the only life i have now.. all my alter life, i just need to shut them off.. due to the hectic of these few weeks.. i sleep most of the time because seriously ia m just tired of living.. gosh! when will this be over with! arghh! btw i did catch movies this few days.. awesome breaks.. huhu

that's all for now.. till then. later..

*tired*

just something..

i cannot remember the last time i was here. i think it was a month ago. please, i am just too lazy to look at the archive. well, actually hectic life and lack of inspiration were the main reason why i abandoned this once was a pleasant place i call my lashing area. but now i am back just for fun. or maybe i need to do some emotional flushing. whatevs.
so, life nowadays is indescribable. to say it is bad is an overstatement and to say it is good is an understatement. so i can only say it has its ups and downs. workload is something that i wish to not talk about here as well as any other place in my life. it just causes me stress. so, what to write huh?
okie, actually, somehow i decided to become active. but i am regretting the whole decision now. what was i thinking when i said yes to those? was i mad, lost my mind? well, maybe because i think that my life nowadays is boring, so i should occupy it. NOT! huhu..

that is all, i am stuck. i cannot write any longer than those..

*emo*