love on borrowed time..

it was a relationship that was never meant to last. we both knew that it will come to an end soon because this was not what we set our mind and life to. so, every moment was a moment to cherish. a moment to be kept as a part of the larger chunk of memory because everything ends and this would be all that we have.

we settled our arguments, never left it hanging. we sometimes slept angry, because not all things can be resolved in just mere hours. some things may take days, or even weeks, to settle, but it must be settled, our time was borrowed, it would be soon before it would be taken away and separating with an unfinished argument could haunt you. severely. our time was too short for anger to reside.

though our time was short, it didn't mean that everyday was about making moment, aka the big thing. most of the time, we were just learning how to coexist and live with each other and accepting, as well as compromising, flaws and inadequacy. all those little gestures, made deliberately or accidentally, were imprinted into the memory. the things that reminded us, we were once deeply in love and we had our time together. with that said, it didn't mean that the big thing were of less importance, they were not. in fact, they were reminders to us of what we could do for someone because we love them. in conclusion, the little things reminded us of how was the life and the big things reminded us of how out of life was some experience we have had together and these two things will shape the future us, regardless if we allow them to do it or not. it's nature.

i am happy i was given the chance to know love with you. yeah, we were unconventional, even wrong in most places but we made each other felt like we were at the right place, at the right time and that was all that matters. again, we both knew our time would not be long because we both planned it differently. however, the love was real and it was all that matters. never regret with whom you fell in love with because only you understand and you owe no one any explanation.

Moving back into the family home..

I have lived a life on my own for the past six years. Six years of being able to support myself. Six years of so called independence. I loved it, very much. I am free to do things on my own, set my own schedule, be my own self. I always thought that this streak will go on till the end of my days. Fact, I quit my job early last November and till now, I am unable to land a new one. My decision was rushed but it was well thought. Well, not so much since I decided to bail out without a plan. I thought my credentials could land me a job easily. How wrong, stupid and naïve I was. So, here I am now, a financially crippled adult man in this material world. I am in a career comatose.

Like many adults who find it too difficult to live on their own, one option we all have though it’s hard to take is to move back in with your family. Why do I say it is hard, well, I put up a show when I lived with my family for the first 18 years of my life. I was unable to be myself and I even faced severe depression when I was in my late teen years due to identity issues and guess what? I masked them all so well until till this day, none of them knew what I was facing and who I really am. I am just not that connected to my family, despite being in a close knitted family. It’s not them, it’s me. So, upon facing this situation, after seeing how the money in my saving account dwindling down as day goes by, I decided to take this big step backwards. Packed my stuff and here I am, in my old room.

The thing is, this action speaks a lot to me. At times, it screams “you're a failure who fails to launch!” and “pfft, so much for building success in early age”. Then, the sense of losing my privacy. I use to live like a solitary person. I choose when to speak and I spend most of my time on the net and less with the real world. I am not afraid of offending anyone because they aren’t family. However, here, I need to interact constantly to not offend them and also to avoid questions. Questions about why am I like this. I have no answer to that, that’s just me. I am a person who has major anxiety issues when it comes to interaction. This is bad for me.. and them as well..

But here I am, too late to say anything. I am constantly hoping to find a job nearby so that I can move on with my life and also maintain communication with them. Just a way that I can fix myself to be a better family person. But luck and opportunity haven’t been on my side now. I shall just wait..

P/s: not having high speed internet is killing me!!

back to hunting..

so, the one month notice is in and i am back on the market yaww. well, not really a good news when the fact is i decided to quit with no back up plan. i just have to. to keep my sanity. i am done with the chaos or the no management that i am forced to face everyday. anyways. finding job, i already knew it, is no easy thing. got called by a few places, went for interviews. rejected one.. waiting for a suitable one to walk in. haish.. so many things to consider about in so little time. kinda happy that its a month notice and not 24 hours.. at least i can sustain for another month. yeah.. sustaining, that's the mission of life at the moment. pfft, what have i become??

anyway, read about scholarship opportunity on the way of becoming the thing that i want, an educator, researcher and developer. hmm, interested of course. must prepare myself up for the whole application then. my principle is, i wont continue my studies if it is going to be my parents money but if it's on a scholarship, i'm all in baby!! so, yeah.. but that is plan B. for now, plan A, work! please good opportunities, do knock on my door..

Writing it..

So, this will be my first time writing a resignation letter. Yes, you heard me right, i am resigning. After months of torture and dissatisfaction, well, mostly from my part, i have decided to let the job go. The job is not all bad, it's just not suitable with me. I guess that is one cookie that my cutter cannot cut through.

Anyway, i have no idea how should i start it. Like, should i be all apologetic or should i be all natural about it? Well, i guess for them it is quite common for someone to leave the company since i am not in the first batch of people they hire. I was actually like the second or third batch. Yes, batch because i remember getting into the company being the only employee. Guess it says something.

So now, the job hunt begins. Must find a new one to support my life because i have a lot of things that i need to pay. Yeah, luxury of life.. Pfft.. Haha. I really hope I'll find something that I'll be happy doing. Pray for my success!

Finally! A long weekend!

You know what sucks?? Working on public holiday with normal wages. That's the situation I had last Merdeka. Yeah, Merdeka much when you're bound by your job. Fortunately, we were given replacement day off until Wednesday which means it's an elongated weekend for me. What to do? What else! Balik kampung! Yass! The last time I when back there was the last Hari Raya and that was brief due to the need to attend a wedding of the bosses. So, this time around, I am back with no strings attached.. Or sort..

Can't wait for all the food! And also all the outing to familiar places! Just the sea is a pleasure on its own! How grateful I am to live on an island. Haha, I sound like someone who hasn't come back for years! So ovah!!

But, I need to finish the talk that I am writing before the office opens.. Haish, the worst is the topic is so not up my alley at all.. Damn.. Now I'm questioning my decision.. Pfft, who cares! Vacay!

Peeps, get yo shizz togetha hunneh!

This is a work related rants. Just be informed of that! So, proceed with the notion that this is a mad person writing. Though curses and profanity shall not happen cuz lady got class but hunny, i shall be wailing!

So, ya know, I've worked at this "learning" centre for about four months now and let me get to it, it's cray cray! Why the quotation mark? Well, they don't really get the idea that a learning centre is about education! About teaching the mind! Not just really making sales! Like hunny, i know i learned how to be a teacher but to be the only one running all classes? Plus developing all the way from syllabus to assessment to material to everything about the company? You mad bruh?? Did you guys miss the notice that i am a human, of the same make up as you guys?! If you guys can do it all alone, how can i? Gurl, i work based on what my brain can capacitate, not create miracles from puking rainbows! Well, if i used all 100% of my brain capacity then yeah, vomit rainbow is a thing (Lucy movie reference). Till then, i need help! And I'm not supposed to find my own help because I'm pretty sure that's not a part of my job! There's no point working in a company when the running is done by just a person! And it's not even mine to begin with! I can just get the hella out from there and leave you guys just like that! No ragrets! (The typo is intentional, am not mentally challenged, just mad).

Lately, I've been giving them attitude. I hope they see it as a sign that I am sick and tired of their irresponsibility. I am just staying there still because a) I need money to keep living and b) I want to finish that work I've had done and put my stamp on it, i hate leaving job undone and c) if i go too soon, it will look bad on my resume on the loyalty factor. To be honest, you guys killed the person inside of me! Never have i been more jaded than this.

Okie, end of rant!

is this really something that I want?

So, I landed on a job after months of unemployment. To be honest, I was damned excited to get that after just one interview. Little that I know that they were in desperation and needed all the help they could get their hands on.

I took this job because of the future I see in it. I have always wanted to write syllabus. Yes, what a weird ambition but it's mine and I'm proud of it. Little that I know that I will be working all by myself. Yes, one man runs everything! Heck, that's not even logical! You cannot expect me to do everything! As the song goes, I am only Human!

So, here's the thing. To run away this quickly is evil I'd say. So, I shall just bear the pain and hope for some day where the sun will shine on me again.. I really hope that day will come because I don't know how long do I have before my sanity becomes a question instead of a statement..