sadness overwhelm, anger elevated, trust demolished.

my laptop is lost again.

i seriously feel angry right now. i am full of anger. i need a place to lash out all the wrath in my heart. i feel like killing. killing is actually mercy now. i seriously hate that whole situation. i even thought of making a pct with the devil just to get revenge. it is not cool, i thought deeply of it, finally, i return to god. but still, the anger remains. the flame will never be put off easily.

i am sad. i am sad that i lost something precious and important. i am sad that i lost something that my late dad last bought for me. i am sad that i need to tell my mum sad news and make her feel uneasy. i am sad that i cried. i am sad because of the lost information and memories. i am sad that these things happened to me.

i trust no one now. i trust no one but myself. even that i have doubt sometimes. trust has been demolished the moment i found out that safe haven is no longer safe. i trust no one and i should not as world is filled with cunning and sly people who take advantage on every open opportunity.

i am seriously having one of the biggest emotional turmoil ever. i am angry at everyone. i trust no one. i am sad and all by myself. period.

*i hate this world*

Racism was never okie..

I don’t know why some people choose to be racist. For me, there is nothing nice in being racist. Yes, we do make racist jokes once a while, which I consider it as fine as it is in jokingly manner and although some hearts will be hurt, but not as badly as it will by a racist remarks. I don’t know why some people just think that they belong to a better ethnic group. To be honest people, I never think that there is any ethnic group higher than others. We are all the same. We may be different in skin colours and all, but still, we are all human.

Some use the basis of religion to be racist and give racist remarks. Like seriously people? I thought all religion in this world promote good and nice behaviour. No religion tells it followers to detest the non-followers and call them names that are not appropriate. Another thing, do you think by doing so, it makes you look like a pious person? Well, let me put it straight in your face. NO!! in fact, you just tarnished the name of your religion. Yes, we all have our belief system and we believe that it is the truth, but just because others choose not to believe, must we condemned them that harsh? Yes, we may call them the non-believers and lure them to our religion, but with that attitude? I don’t think so.

We live in a harmonious environment okie people. Just play cool and live well among us. Do not implant such thoughts in us and especially to the future generations. This is going nowhere. No matter how much you detest a race or races, they will still co exist with you. What? Thinking of major genocides? Well, I think in that case you should be the one to be eradicated. Like seriously.

*racism sucks real bad*

i feel so bad..

okie, first of all, i need to mention that as i am writing this, i am having a fever and diarrhea. well, it is so hard for me to fall sick but once i fell, it will be severe. so, that is what i am facing right now. a bit under the weather. but, that does not really bothers me as i think i need some rest, what bothers me is that this sickness comes at the wrong time. i have events going on. sale to be exact and i am part of the group. i could not attend the sale because i am too sick to even stand up straight. but seriously, i feel like i have let down a lot of people. people, please forgive me. i beg you.

then, tomorrow, i have another activity, i dont know whether i can be strong enough to join it. seriously, i feel like checking into a hospital and rest for several days. i am just too tired and sick..

*sick*

That is so not cool..

You were dumped. You were left heartbroken. You were slapped on the face by a simple goodbye. You were told that the relationship could no longer be saved. Easily said, you were ruined due to the breakup. Up till now, the pain and wound are yet to heal and all you could do is diverting your focus away from the pain to the things that you used to love. The person that you love or fond of. The person who was partially the reason for the breakup. The sunshine of your day. The reason of your smile and happiness. The one that give you the will to carry on (besides God of course). The Tower that brings you to the peak of your heart.

But, when you search for that person, it will be so hard to find. Just like happiness. The more you search for it, the less appearance it makes. But just by knowing the existence is actually more than enough to keep you satisfied. Seriously, when you have lost all places you could hang on, you would not mind drifting on air. You only hear stories about the person. But you never see the person in person. Maybe it is for the better. Your heart may be too vulnerable to accept the fact that you and the person is just impossible due to the untreated wound and pain from the breakup with someone you used to dearly love.

Then, one day you got news about the person. News that you wish you never heard. News that the person has now changed. No longer the person you knew, or fond of. The news about how the person has become similar to the one who walked away from your life. The one who left you devastated. The one who shattered your heart into a million pieces with no intention of putting them back together. Seriously, the visual is disturbing and numbing at the same time. You felt a deep stomp on your heart. Stepped by nothing else but the bitter memories of the breakup. You are now lost in the deepest core of sadness and regret.

That is so not cool. Just when you thought there is a chance for you to heal and get up, you were crushed again by your own crush. it hurts real bad, it is salt on open wounds. All you could do is keep it inside and tell it to the stars and moon on a crying night.

*emo*

First time

There is a first time to everything. First kiss, first fall, first heartbreak and so on and so forth. Actually, what I want to say is this is the first time I write my blogpost on my new iMac. Yes, I just got myself an iMac. Although it is not new (I bought it from a friend since he needed money) but still, it is new for me. To be honest, I am seriously happy and glad when I buy this. Never in my life would I imagine myself owning a Mac. Now, I have it, an iMac. Of my own. Seriously, I am happy. That is all I want to say. I just want to share my happiness with you guys.

*excited*

i think i lost it..

i used to be good. i used to be the target of competition. i used to be hated and envied due to my performance. i used to be able to elaborate my ideas clearly to others and speak my mind. i used to be able to generate a lot of ideas. i used to be confident. i used to love attention. i used to be outspoken and loud and say what i want to say and state my stand. i used to be good in a lot of stuff. i used to be good.

now, i choke during presentation. i stumble while talking to people. i have thousand slips of the tongue. i self-doubt a lot. i seriously turn shy. i am no longer fun to be with. i am at blur most of the time. i am a nobody now. seriously, i am nobody now.

seriously, i am disappointed with myself. what has happened to me in this few years. i thought being older means wiser, but why am i deteriorating? i feel dumb. i do not like this feeling. i feel helpless and i cant think of anything to help myself. sometimes, when i see people who used to be of lower level progress, i feel sad for myself as i has regressed. seriously, i feel down right now. i want to be that smart, being envied person again. not just some big-fat-not-good looking-low self-esteem-bimbo that happened to exist in the midst of people. i dont want to be a has been. i want to be the it person.

*down*

Someone like you

That is what I have been looking for since you walk away from my life. Someone who could give me that warm feeling I feel when you whisper in my ears that you love me. Someone who could give me the same shivers when you hold my hand and touch me to show me that you will always be there, by my side, through thick and thin. Someone who will give me the same secured and blissful feeling I feel when you put your arms around me. Seriously, I miss you damn much and I hate to admit this, but yeah, I have not moved on since the day you decide to walk away from my life. The day I realise that I have made a mistake that I could not revert. I know I sounded lame, but that is what I feel. Call me lame, I just could not be bothered.

Now, I have to live with the fact that you are no longer in my life and I have to go through it alone, all by myself. Gosh, I don’t know whether I have the strength to go through it. However, I have gone through it before, I just need to learn again how to do so. Losing support after so many years of dependency on it is so not cool.

I guess you might have moved on. Well, you usually heal fast since I have been giving you several ill treatments during all the time we were together. Well, it is not one sided, you too teach me a thing or two about cruelty. Hehe, seriously, we were abusive and yet we love one another. How ironic. Back to the topic, I think you have found someone new and I guess that person could give you the thing I could not give you. I wish for the best of you too, sincerely. I don’t hope for you to return since I know it is almost impossible for that to happen. There is only one thing I want to ask from you that is to not forget me. Seriously, I still hold tightly to our memories; both sweet and bitter. Bittersweet; that was what we were.

That is all I want to say to you. Seriously, I am still looking for someone like you.

*emotional*