It finally ends..

After 5 and a half years, I am finally able to say that everything has come to an end. Well, I am talking about my studies. Handing in that big purple hardbound copy of my mini thesis which was my final assignment ever felt like lifting off a huge burden from my shoulder. I am now free to roam the world and make my steps in the working world. I am not keen in continuing my studies, for now, but who knows what lies in the future right. As for now, I am still relaxing and digesting the fact before finally set myself on a job hunt.

It was not easy opening that shackles off my feet so I can move freely. How many sleepless nights and mental breakdowns had I gone through just to make sure I finished it. I admit, I did get jaded half way through but I persevered till the end because I needed to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I could finish something in life. To be honest, I doubted I will see this day.. But I am glad it is finally here..

*relieved*

i held on to that promise till the end..

22nd December. another date in my life that i find it hard to forget now. well, on one point it's my mum's birthday but now, it will also be your wedding anniversary. yes, on 22nd December 2013, that was the last of anything that could or might happen between us. i know i am stupid for unable to let you go despite being separated for a good 3 years, but seriously, how am i ever going to get over you easily when you had been the source of my strength for such a long time? pfft, i am such a masochist and a melancholic one.

however, i think i now realise why i remain bound to you despite that. we had that promise. the promise that we will be each other's until we truly find the one we know for us. yeah, our relationship is one heck of a weird boat and seriously, no one else should come aboard on such a ship, too rocky and constantly fighting with huge tides. but yeah, i hold on to that promise, until that day you make it official with the one you choose.

to be honest, now, i feel rather empty but one thing for sure, i feel free. i am no longer bound to you. you are now a past for me, this time for real. i am no longer carrying the burden of the past with me. i can now move on. thanks for being a part of my life and i will cherish those memories we made together, the better and the worst. treat your partner well, i know you could.

*burden lifted*

of waiting and uncertainties..

ugh, i hate waiting. it makes me anxious as heck! i hate living in uncertainties. i am a planner hence i must know everything before i make my move. however, at the moment, i am doing nothing, i am just waiting. waiting for an answer that will end my misery. ugh, how much do i want this wait to be over? everything because this answer i am waiting will be the determiner of whether my life could proceed or not. to be honest, in this span of few months, i have been put in this situation multiple times. i hate this feeling of not knowing when can i do something. it's like being crippled. ugh, please, i just want to end everything!!!

i am such a control freak huh? whatever that is not within my control makes me anxious. i should really need to learn how to calm down.. but seriously? this is a crazy time to be chilling out. i need to get things over and done with.

*losing my sanity*

turn negativity to positive energy..

so, as you all know, i am a student in my extended semester. yup, i could not finish on time due to my own choice. once people push me too much, i push away everything and start ignoring them. so, that is what happened and to be honest, at times, i do feel the regret sinking in me but at other times, i remind myself that this is a choice i made and one rule to live is to never be disappointed with any choice you made because if you do, then you are questioning your whole existence. yup, i am that harsh to myself, pray to the lord i will not be as harsh to my children later. haha

anyway, my batch mates had their convocation on last monday and it seems like a joyous day. maybe for some Frapjuous since they are the benchmark in their family. whatever it is, it is nice to see so many smiling faces but it saddened me as well as i am not a part of it. however, instead of dwelling in self pity and loathing, i decided that to use these pictures of smiling faces, instead of a slap to my face for shame, as a slap on my face to wake me up. they all believed in me at one point and i have failed them once, so i must not failed them again. i must work hard to get what i deserve, the same thing they had. maybe they won't be around during my time but i know i have succeeded thanks to them. so, that's it. those negative feelings i am feeling at the moment shall be turn into my working fuel.

please, life is to short to be living with hate..

*fired up*

bumpy ride or smooth sail?

Life is journey: Fact! there is a destination to it; Death: Fact! how it begins and how it ends is not up to us, that is the job of the higher power, but what happens in between, that is the life we're living is up to us. there are people who live a short while but it was worthwhile and some live for a long time but have been dead for the longest time. for me, living and dying is not about the beat of the heart, it is about the things you do to make you appreciate every breath you take and the memories you make. hence coming to the question; what sort of life do you aspire to have?? a smooth sail or a bumpy ride?

both have theirs cons and pros. let's not talk about it because it will take an eternity to finish.. or maybe more. the focus here is live your life the way you want it, do not fit into the mold of others because the people say so. yes, i know being deviant is not really a smart choice but come to think again, just how similar are you to the one next to you? how different are you to them? in my opinion, everyone is a deviant person for no two persons are the same, even identical twins, sharing DNA has noting to do with sharing personality. however, one needs to remember about some morals and ethics that one should have and use as a guide in going through life.

as for me, i am a fan of both because let's face it, life with no balance equals to early death, either physical (stop breathing) or emotional (not feeling alive). so, some smooth sailing journey remind me why i need those bumpy rides to be alive and those bumpy rides remind me that the goal here is to achieve the smooth sailing life. reciprocation is the key to being alive. live a balance life, don't dwell in negativity or positiveness to much because abundance of something is indulgence and over indulgence leads to abuse and abuse only brings you closer to the destination aforementioned: DEATH!

*random*

finding the escape hole..

i am in deep trouble. a fact that i know and has never denied. however, the jaded me decided not to do anything and just dwell in the problem. i have no idea what happened to the fire to live in me anymore. at times, i silently pray that my life to be taken away, because what is life when living is not what you want? as for the moment, i am trying to get myself a closure but i am nowhere near it for i am the one procrastinating. i am actually afraid that once i had my closure, i have no idea where to go forward. i am stuck in a loop of weird thoughts but to escape it, i have no capacity, or even the guts to do so. so, here i am, living like a barnacle on rocks, stuck with nowhere to go, just stay at the same place while waiting for the tide to get something to eat.

*trying to get out*

Grapes..

A very needed getaway had arrived. Despite going there with a bunch of aunties, I don't really mind because all I wanted was to get out of the house and do something. Oh, I visited a grape plantation. Can you believe that there are grape plantations in the country? I have always thought grape as a fruit of the westerners, not ours. To see and touch grapes while they are still unripe and on the tree just felt cool and weird at the same time. Anyway, I'm happy to go there..