rants before sleep..

these are what i had thought last night before falling asleep. blame it on someone on Twitter who made me dive into my personal thoughts on life and love. here are some of them..

loving the impossible is one of my favourite things to do. the pain that i feel everytime i am awakened by the reality that nothing will happen between the person and i is making me know that i am actually alive.however, behind every moment that i am told that i am alive, i am also dying, little by little for the pain is killing me as well. i am not at a limbo. between life and death. my bond is Feel and the dominant ine is Pain..

i am a distant lover.to get near, i am scared. not sure of my fear. is it rejection or acceptance? is it the loss of the person or the lost of me? i am scared of uncertainties while uncertainties is a certain in life. so, am i afraid of life?

of whore and love addict. have you ever wonder, are they the same? if they are, why there is a need to have two terms to label them? i guess some things are different. for me, one is a physical affection hunter and another is an emotional care giver.. which is which? you decide..

*overthinking*

of twisted dreams..

lately, i have been having a lot of weird dreams. the topics are mostly about my future. about how my family will be later. the family that i build, not the one i have right now. a lot of drama, a lot of complications. seriously, i do not know why, maybe i am getting old and as the time passes, the need to think about future and building a family is becoming more and more apparent. but seriously, if the family that i am about to have is just like how i have dreamed them, i dont want any.

the plot are always twisted. dangerous liaisons, affairs, fights, problematic children, problematic spouse.. the only good part is they are all beautiful. hehe, i guess it is true when people say beauty comes with a price. whatever it is, for now, i am just going to think these thoughts as my irrational conscience trying to worry me for no reason.. huhu..

*childishly adult*

of rain and umbrella..

i am stingy. there, i have made my confession. no, this is true. i am so stingy, sometimes i wish money falls from the sky or better, i have the power where every time i shop, i dont need to pay, instead people pay me. what? talk about crazy talk. anyway, the weather lately has been unforgiving. the rain, i mean how many water vapour has been turned into droplets in these months? the amount of rain is just insane! but, being the stingy me, buying an umbrella was never an option. until that one rainy day. it cannot be fine since it rained and i spent money!

went out with a friend of mine to get him something. well, it was for his class but that is not the focus here. the focus here is the outing. went to a mall to visit the party shop that may have it. and nope, they dont. okie. sad one over there. then, things got worse. rain started to fall. okie, major downpour actually. i was like what?? why must it rain like this? i should not have agreed to go out.. but if not, i will be at home, moping.. whatever. we needed to make a move. no other option. WE MUST BUY UMBRELLAS. BUY. not really my favorite word. huhu, but desperate time calls for desperate spending. i bought myself an umbrella and to be honest, it hurts till now. haha, im exaggerating..

*umbrella*

double digit..

it has been a while since i last wrote anything up here in this blog. i think it is time to clean all the dust gathered and come up with a new story. anything interesting that has happened lately? hmm.. what about my birthday? yeah, that will be something i can talk about.. and the off i took with my own liberty from the faculty because i just dont want to go to class? yeah, that one too.. here how they go..

my birthday. it falls on 14th november every year. as i am no longer a child, i dont really care about it anymore. it is just reminding me that i am getting older. not like that is actually a bad thing but you know people and their reservation about getting old. anyway, this year, i decided to hide my birthday from notifying anyone on FB since i dont want to mess up my wall. what? those happy birthday wishes is sweet, if you really mean it. not just because your notification reminds you. i cherish genuineness. yes. so, those who wished me, seriously, you guys are so sweet and i could get diabetes from loving all of you!back to the story, i had a class on that monday, the 11th November so i attended it and i was contemplating whether should i go since two holidays were just around the corner. then i received a phone call from my sis and my mum asking me about my homecoming. i told them about the workload, they told me about the pavlova. i chose pavlova over work. please, was it even a dilemma? so, i decided to get back. and yeah, celebrated my birthday there.. seriously, the celebration was small and only family members were involved but that is the kind of birthday i want. a real meaningful one. i know i am sentimental. do not judge me!

then, i was planning my return here when suddenly there was a plan to visit a theme park. girl, it would be stupid of me to shove that away for a class or two! haha, i am that carefree. plus, i have not missed that class and it is silly if i dont do that for i have the opportunity. so, i went there. a water theme park. played a lot there. played in the tubes. almost drowned myself. took a bad picture of myself. haha. that is somehow all. then, received a phone call from a friend. the news was, no class for the next two days. Boy, i did not see it coming but i was accepting it with open hands. yeah, more break for me. well not really. let me tell you why..

got back home. i needed to make a thousand cupcakes. yes, a thousand. and i have only one oven. imagine the time taken. seriously, my love for cupcakes was put to a test when i can no longer see one and not feel terrified. yeah, the experience was traumatizing, i need counseling and rehab. well, celebrity ones since i can always run away later. haha

so, that is about all i can talk about myself for now. oh, about the title, that's my age. 22.. double digit.. :P

*another year sets in*

my pavlova. isn't it nice. made by my sis..

The Shower

Surprisingly, the shower is the place where most of decisions were done. I wonder why? Is it because of the water, streaming down the faucet, all the way down to your head somehow gives you a clearer view of your life events and the consequences? Does the water somehow help ease your mind and make you see there is more than just the main picture? Is it the notion that you could die drowning from under the water make your mind sharper? (Wait, can you die of drowning under running water?) Or is it because it is the time when our body and mind is cleanest and we are free from the dirty aspects of the world? Whatever the answer is, I believe that water does have healing effects and it has helped a lot of people. Decisions decide the path of your life, or to put the pun in, the stream that you will row in for the rest of your life. So, I think it is necessary to make the most sensible decisions based on your principles. However, it is not bad for you to make mistakes, as long as an escape plan is available. Mistakes are the best teacher but never get drowned by it. Swim through the entire obstacle and take the air above the surface to find out what life is all about.

*blup blup*

stop seeking..

recently, i read a quote by somebody, i can remember but i am pretty sure he or she is an author and the person said that in order to be at peace, one should stop looking for themselves. instead, they should just be themselves. well, for me, this makes a lot of sense actually. i, for instance, is a victim of years of self searching and up to level, i lost myself totally at one time. the journey, let me tell you, is just lain weird and full of uncertainties and questions that have no answer or beyond me. it also made me thinks, why do you need to travel or go through a journey just to find yourself? you have always been there. you should be understood, not defined. people's words play a role in this. people will keep on saying to you about becoming part of the society. part of the ideals. i have gone that route. believe me, it's confusing. you dont understand things but you do it because it's normal. or the norms. before this, i used to believe that i ahve not find myself. i need to seek it through. what i was looking for was not myself, it was actually societal norms. damn, i feel programmed. i feel like others have been running my life. i feel like i have wasted a lot of time..

now, i think i dwelled in finding myself too much. i am on my way back. i am abandoning the search for the norms. so what if i cannot be like the most? at least i am still a human and my humanity is restored. i'll be who i am, not who i am supposed to be according to people. i am my own word, not others. i am a chocolate. not vanilla. i will stand up, not blend..

*on the way back*

Silent midnight stroll..

I was bored. I was lonely. I was jaded. I was not driven. Everything was a dread. I tried to look for some excitement. All I found was discontentment. I don’t know. I was mad, in both meanings. Memories flew through me. Stepped on my heart, left a footprint. I cried. But no tears came out. Ego was playing its role there. But I want to ask you, Ego, from who are you protecting me from? No answer. Guessed so. Then, I made my move. Slowly, I picked up the necessaries with the thought that what if luck were not on my side? What if this was the night where I might be robbed? What if this is the last night all my senses will be used? For one last time. But, I mustered up my wit and said, so what? You will die, when it’s due. I walked, out of the room, out of the house, aimlessly. I was just walking, with no specific direction. I looked around. Looked at people. Looked at expression. Look at emotions. Looked at light. Looked at darkness. I feel empty, insignificant, unimportant and best of all, drugged by unhealthy mental state. What I felt was numbness. Who says you need drugs to feel dissociated? It is all a mind game. Then, I reached the junction. I stopped. I looked at the bus stop thinking, should I go there, like olden days to come to my senses or not, to just stay and look around. I decided on the later. I just took a look around me and then it struck me. I am just a small insignificant creature in the middle of a quiet night, standing like an idiot at a junction, waiting for something to happen. But what? I don’t know. What I know is life is not something I want to pursue. I’m done.

*numb*

bye bye..

it has been a while since i last updated anything on this blog.. reasons?? a lot.. physical and emotional.. i just dont have the capacity to write anything here.. i dont know why, maybe i have not write anything for such a long time until my words can no longer be put in a decent line for others to read.. so i guess i am leaving this blog on its own.. i wont shut it down for i have a lot of fond memories with it.. but i just cannot be with it anymore.. so here i am, signing off from The Blog That is Me.. bye peeps..

*moving away*

i cannot sleep..

a very odd title for a very odd post. seriously, actually, i have been lying on my bed for nearly half an hour before i decide to get up and maybe write something. i dont know why, but lately sleeping has been difficult for me. well, i blame nothing but my previous semester. yes, i can safely call it previous since i am finished with all my examinations and assignments. this is one semester i am not interested in remembering. that is something i am sure of.

btw, currently i am ruled by one of the seven deadly sins. okie, i am usually controlled by at least one, most usual is pride, but this time by the one i hardly recognise. jealousy or covetousness or envy. yes, the green one. and the subject of envy is people around me who had gone back to their hometown and the fact that i am still here, in this ratchet place i call the city of education. well, i think i might offend some people for calling this place ratchet but please, you guys have no idea what has this place brought me. that is not the main point. the main point here is i am envious of people going away from this place.. gosh, i hope this feeling will go soon.. meh, knowing me, it wont last a few days..

hmm, let us talk about issues, first of all is my house. the rented one. now with the peeps that i am not fancy out, i can finally treat this place like a house. before this, i see it as a shelter for me to sleep due to the not so conducive environment. now, i can totally live in it. but, i must be remembered that those are just temporary happiness. last for one month only, then, they will be back and this house will turn into a shelter again. (btw, among the things i am doing at the moment is writing my shopping list, for the house)

then, friends. hmm, i must say friends have been nice to me. or maybe i turned more accepting. i dont know and i dont want to know. i think now i am more relaxed and petty matters wont bother me much anymore. i love this new found maturity, or i must say, self activated ignorance. now i believe in people when they say ignorance is bliss.

partner. i had my closure to my previous relationship. after one whole freaking year. we met and had one day. and we both realised the feeling had died. well, the person moved on and planned to marry the new significant other. i wish the both of you best of luck and be happy together. btw, thanks for the closure. i can move on now, knowing that my heart is back with me again. now, i am free to give it to someone new. definitely not someone like you. what? the relationship failed, so obviously i am looking for someone different because i cannot go with someone like you.

that is all i can think for now.. till later peeps.. out

*writing is something i cannot give up*

of working and me..

this semester is the first semester i ever thought of working. why? well, i have been with my family for way too long and i understand how that they cannot actually support me. what? my mum got other responsibility besides me. nothing that i will complain. due to that, i decided to work. yeah, to support my own living..

living as a student and working at the same time is not that easy. well, besides all the work you have from your academic development side, your career side too is giving you work that needs to be finished on a deadline. oh, btw, i am working at my own faculty for those of you who have no idea about me, although i think most of the readers are people who knows me personally. so yeah, i have been juggling matters in life starting this semester. study and work. to be honest, at times it is just tiring.. i feel like stopping but to no avail due to commitment.. yeah, i maybe hard to commit in a relationship but work, that is something i am sure i can commit very much.

then, end of year approached and to be honest i am glad since it meant the end of my contract. however, to my surprise today, i was called to the office and were asked to continue working. however, this time around at a different office under different body. what? why? i wanted to take a holiday and rest from all these madness.. looks like that is just a dream not to come true.. huhu..

then, a lecturer upon knowing that i wont be working anymore with my previous boss directly booked me to be her helper for the next semester.. wait, that means that i will be working non stop.. this semester break (january to March) and the semester that comes after (march to july) then off to my practicum (July to October ?) then a four months break which i dont know whether they want me still to work for them..

what?! i am a student.. i shouldnt be working all year long.. that is just insane.. my mode is full time, not part time.. but what can i do? i think i will just bare with it.. at least i have money.. my own money..

*working*

drifted year..

this is about the year 2011. i know most blogs have written on this issue. well, include me in the bandwagon. i just need to express my feeling about the year that has just passed. i must say, mine is negative, not likely to be positive at all..

the year starts with the pain from the previous year. the death of my dad. yup, the year starts with a mourn. i was still mourning for the death of my dad. someone that is so dear to me. someone that i look up to and someone that i want to impress so much. i guess now i can only talk to him through my prayer. then, the year also starts with wounded heart from previous year breakup.. a 3 year long relationship that finally ends because the sparks were gone.. and to this day, i am still not healed.. the wound is still open..

then, several mishaps starts to happened.. theft, back stab, lost of friends and many more.. all these make an opportunity for my long oppressed depression to come back into surface.. and i must say, that is a bad thing..

then, there was this long break.. 4 freaking months.. and all i do is nothing.. yeah, nothing.. because i have to face a lot of issues that are beyond my control but i am involved.. i dont even get to have fun.. all i do is just sit and do nothing.. just observe as the world and time pass through me.. i was wasted.. i broke down a few times back at home..

the second half give me no break.. instead more shits.. a lot of issues rose.. friends, housemates, and academic.. then the accidents.. im disgusted by life by the end of it.. almost overdose myself in medication due to the depression.. yup, till that serious..

however, i found friends along the way.. friends that i know will stay with me till the end of this torturous moment in uni life.. they are the ones i cling to in times of need..

the year has passed.. i hope all the bad things remain there, as part of memories.. never to be resurfaced and to be oppressed in the unconscious mind..

*new year, new hope*