Long distance relationship = no no for me..

Recently, a new love opportunity comes to me.. and the person is a nice person.. and I quite like the person.. however, I will never repeat my old mistake.. that is to commit myself into a long distance relationship.. because all my past relationships failed due to distance.. either physically or mentally.. im the kind of person who wants my someone to be right next to me.. but not clingy.. since clingy is one quality I despise the most.. get a grip.. onto yourself.. not to others okie.. haha.. I just want that person to be near me and I could always go to the person when I need support or just to share everything that is worth sharing.. that does not include money okie.. stingy me.. huhu.. and im thinking in that case, I might not be in love at all in this four upcoming years since im allergic to distance.. haha.. but I guessed it will be okie since I got all my friends.. and I might have someone special that will get the same treatment I treat those whom I love.. but I’ll never declare our relationship as partners since I might become quite pushy if the person is mine.. haha.. man, im cruel if I do that.. but maybe I will.. haha.. pity the unlucky person.. if there’s any la.. and as usual, I want somebody independent because im slightly dependent.. im independent when im alone, but seriously dependent when im with somebody.. lame.. but that’s just me.. will I find someone near to be loved and love me back? Only time will answer that although I will not entrust everything to time to determine.. im looking at my life positively now..

*I laughed a lot in this post, didn’t I?*

Im not ready..

When we sit down in the quiet and stillness of the night, our minds tend to think about our lives.. whether we had live our life to the fullest.. things that we regret.. things that we wished we had done.. things that we want to do in life.. and many more.. usually in the silence of the night.. like any other people, it happened to me too.. due to the boredom that has been filling me this holiday, I spent most of my time thinking of what to do with my life.. sometimes my ambition seems so big until it feels like I could never achieve it in a million years.. and I can never escape from the topic of love in life.. reflecting at my current condition and behavior, I don’t know whether I will find someone who will suit me.. im not that choosy but.. to find someone who can stand me is a hard thing to do.. and failures from past relationships scares me.. will I ever settle down with one person?.. only time will answer that.. but for now.. im just not ready for a new relationship..

Besides that, im also not ready for a change in my life.. that is going to adulthood.. it seems so intimidating.. growing old means more responsibilities lies on my shoulder now.. im going to make many decision on my own later.. decide what is the best for me.. and choose the path of my life.. and yes, I may stumble along the path and have a few (maybe a lot) of regret but that is what I have to face.. adulthood for me is a scary business.. but I cannot forever stay a teen in mind.. I need to grow up.. if not now, later in life.. but growing up is compulsory..

One thing that I will never be ready for it is failure.. although I hate it so much.. it happens.. and it always struck me at bad times.. im so not ready but I have to make preparation to face it.. mentally that is.. if only I could evade failure forever.. but that will make life seems meaningless.. no adventure in it.. like what people always say.. no pain, no gain.. seriously, failing to do something is worst that eing dumped.. haha..

Okie, that’s it for now.. im not ready to write a new post anytime near..

*unprepared*

suppressed feeling..

sometimes, when we want to express out our feeling or opinion on something or somebody.. we tend to suppress the thought.. since it might hurt other people or make them feel offended.. so, we chose to hurt ourselves than hurt others.. and this suppressed emotion later accumulated in deep in our heart and soon, it will filled our heart with sorrow and discontentment.. and we start giving up on things.. that is what im facing right now.. when i have something to say, but when i see those faces, i dare not say.. all the words remained in my mind.. never let out.. and now, i has start giving up.. i did not response when people asked me.. i dare not.. since i has loss the ability to talk my mind and heart out.. i care for others so much until i neglected myself.. and now, i might neglect others too.. i need courage in me.. the thing that give me the push to go on another day.. to live my life.. to cherish every moment.. but, all i got right now is fear and reluctance.. please, hlep me get the old me again.. the one with smile on his lips and idea and stories to share.. for the mean time.. im just this reserved, terrified little creature..

*terrified*

So many time, so little to do..

Since my birthday, I have not written anything in my blog.. let me put it straight.. nothing interesting had happened in my life since my birthday.. can you imagine being in a holiday island and all I do this holiday is stay inside the house.. I don’t even go out to shopping mall just for window shopping like what I always do back then.. I have become so reserved.. and I don’t know why.. one obsession that I have add in myself is eating.. and body is taking all the harm from it.. lol.. I look terrible.. besides that, I got nothing else to do.. it has been the longest time since I last read any novel.. regardless of the language.. seriously, I need to fill this holiday with something.. so that I won’t eat so much.. haha..

One event that has happened to me which bring quite a turmoil in my mind is meeting my ex who is now my friend.. okie.. I met my ex the day before but I did not greet because I was in a rush.. besides, I know I will meet him again the next day.. and yes, I met him again.. for the first time, he saw me and say nothing.. I was aghast but I don’t think too much about it.. with the spirit of friendship, I went and greet him.. nicely.. and I was taken aback by his reaction.. he looked at me with a very reluctant look and say.. “maybe it’s about time we start acting like ex-es”.. the moment he finished his words, I went off without even saying goodbye.. damn.. what about the promise of we’re gonna stay friends although we’ve broke up.. and it all happens after more than a year the relationship ended.. which is weird.. I found out that he found someone new lately but that just can’t be the reason.. since him, I went out with three people at least.. and he also has seen a few after me.. it is just so confusing.. I don’t want to lose a friend anymore..
I want to do a lot of things okie this holiday but I just don’t know what.. and seriously im bored to death.. everything seems not very appealing to me.. what should I do?

*puzzled*

my birthday..

huhu.. so people.. my birthday fall on the 14th november.. and like every other year, i celebrate it with great moderation because i dont really fancy big celebration.. OMG, i just find out that i shared the same birthday with Tyson Ballou (the guy from D&G ads), Yuna (Malaysia's new singing act) and Prince Charles (the guy who got married to someone nice and still fall for an old hag).. what a powerful bunch.. i hope im going to be that powerful also some day..
so, lets talk about this year's celebration.. let me just put it in one word.. nice and simple.. wait.. that a phrase.. whatev.. and mostly homemade.. which made it so special.. hah, no place is better than your home.. and this year is all about family.. no friends were involved since everyone is so occupied with personal matters.. but i dont mind.. family first.. and of course no loved one.. haha.. i dont mind that either.. the celebration is all about food and talk.. hah.. love it..
oh, something to brag.. i baked my own cake.. a double layer strawbery and chocolate cake with chocolate coating and strawbery chips sprinkled on it.. and it tasted good.. haha.. Gosh, i do know how to cook.. but, i just dont want to.. haha
people, im one year older and really hope that im one year wiser too..

*happy*

Of not knowing the limit..

Okie, now I’m feeling like Bob from Monsters vs Aliens.. when he got confused about Ginormica’s boyfriend to be his own because he heard about that guy too much.. yup.. now I’m confused whether my friend’s partner is my own because everything that happened between them is told to me and even the unnecessary details.. unnecessary I mean private.. yup.. he just pass the boundary of sharing with a friend.. and some things told are so explicit, I was gawking and feeling disgusted as I’m listening.. yet, I don’t have the courage to say it directly to his face to stop telling me the unnecessary details.. I wish I could say “you know what, I just don’t freaking care.. because that person is with you.. not me”.. then I realized the same thing also happened to the partner side.. my friend keep relating the partner to me and comparing both of us.. say what man.. if I were the partner, obviously I would be offended.. it is like if your friend is so much like me, then am I special for you or not?.. from what you’re telling me.. im no different than your friend.. what is the whole point of the relationship.. that is what I would feel if im the partner.. some people are just blinded by emotion they can’t see the reality.. I have asked about this to my other friends and I got mixed reviews.. some said that it is positive and most said that it is negative.. especially about the private details.. that should be kept to yourself only.. take it out when asked or necessary only.. arghh.. I seriously don’t know how to say it to him without offending him.. because this has gone too far..

Then, there is also another friend of mine who constantly talks about his partner.. no matter during a guys nite out or a simple hanging around in the room.. there will always be a topic about the partner being talked.. OMG.. and it repeats by itself.. sometimes I could predict what is the next word that will come out from his mouth.. but I just ignore it.. sometimes I don’t really listen to what he got to say because it is none of my concern.. but in this case of this friend of mine at least I know who the partner is.. so, it is okay and I admit the partner is nice.. but the other one.. I don’t even know who the hell the person is and not keen to find out..

Back then, I used to do the same to a friend of mine.. but at that time my relationship was on the verge of breaking up.. it is normal for people to talk about their partner excessively when they are about to breakup.. it is because of the heartache.. but when you’re happy with the relationship and start to tell everything.. it nauseates people.. and im just wondering.. are you doing it to see whether im jealous or not.. well, newsflash.. I don’t care.. that is no reason to be jealous.. unless that person is my ex.. or crush.. then yeah.. if not.. I just don’t give a damn.. and don’t blame me if something happened between me and the person because you triggered it.. haha..

*I wish I was meaner.. the old me I mean*

i thought i have..

i thougt i have forgotten you.. i thought you bring no significance to my anymore..i thought i have got over you.. but i guess im not.. you still play a part in my life.. everytime i hear our song played in the air.. my eyes go teary.. air rushed out of my lungs.. i still deeply attached to you.. although i was the one who asked you to forget me.. stupid me.. i just cant help myself.. im weak without you.. but i would never admit that in front of you..

sometimes i regret the time when we were together.. i always show that expressionless face.. no matter what you did for me.. when you sing me the song.. i wanted to cry.. but i stopped myself.. i will never looked weak in front of you.. i never follow what i always wanted to do.. and i regret all that now.. how i missed you.. and your warmth..

seriously.. i pray i could forget you.. but for now.. i still cant..

*crying with a stern look*