i dont want to pursue in this..

you know what is sad about life at the moment? when you realise what have you learned for the past years is not your true passion or calling in life. the reality just hit you bad and make you feel helpless at times. seriously, now i know the meaning of follow your heart, even when the brain says another.

it is true what i learned for the past four years promises me a better future and a good job prospect. however, at the expense of what? my sanity? my life? i know i sound like an annoying bitch ranting about dissatisfaction and how the world does not function to my benefit but i just need to say it. i should have followed my dream, even though it was less stable than this.

i have always dreamed to be an artist of some sort. let it be visual or literal arts. or maybe even performing. any sort of arts will be good. art is life, at least from my point of view. well, my career interest inventory test suggested that i am an artistic person hence the reason why i only see art as my choice of career. but that 18 year old me who grew up too fast and started thinking rationally too early in life decided that i should do something that promises a future that is stable. a future in which i will have enough money to buy me things and also support the people in my family. a stable life. but what is stability without sanity, without passion in life, passion to live? yes, the younger me did not see this due to my distorted perception due to lack of experience in young age. it is true when people say, young minds make rash decision, despite how matured they think they are.

i thought what i took was something else. i love just a part of it. not the whole picture. the problem is the part that i love is very small as compared to the one that i did not expect to face. yes, i was wrong. the other part was treacherous and was nowhere near my interest. in fact, most of the time, i focused in class just to avoid sleep. now, the practicum has arrived and the other parts that i am not interested in at all is the major component of it. plus, add some more people into it, okie children to be exact. the stage in life that i dislike the most, childhood, where mind are immature and rules meant nothing. i dislike their guts. huhu. i am not meant to work with people, especially kids. i do things according to my own rules. not to accommodate others. well, i can follow a system, but not totally into the system. i am not against the rules, i play within its borders.

this is one of those moment you wish to go back in time and fix the problem. well, if this is possible, i think the world today will be a very weird place with reality changing on daily basis. but that wishful thinking cannot be stopped for i am now at my lowest low. seriously, i am just breathing, not living.

*bitter and i know it*

Secrets..

Secrets are things that you decide not to tell others about. Maybe because the thing is hurtful, embarrassing or just plain personal. The person that you told your secrets to must be someone special to earn such a trust from you. Usually, secrets involves you but at the expense of others. They will be people affected by that secret that you decide to keep to yourself.

I know this for certain for I am a victim of secrets at the moment. One’s uncertainty resulted in me being in deep trouble. Not that I want to blame the person, but the person action has made me in a very troubled situation at the moment. Let me not elaborate since it is personal. Another case of secret victimising me is I know a secret that someone has decided to keep from the knowledge of the family despite knowing how it will affect the family. I am in no power to reveal it because it does not concern me personally but the people around me. At times, I do feel like telling but it will be a breach of trust and also it is nowhere my rights to do so. I hate keeping secrets. Especially when it is not mine..

*zipping my mouth shut*

Finding a partner..

Once, a lecturer of mine asked me this question whether I have anyone at the moment. To be honest, I have no one at the moment. Since my break up 3 years ago, I found it hard to fall to another person. It is not that I am not moved on, but the fact that I am now more conscious in my search for a partner. I am no longer open for game; I am ready to settle down.

From the previous relationships, I have learnt what I want in my partner. I don’t look for perfection; I know such does not exist. I will look for someone who loves me the same way and the same amount as I am towards the person. The feeling must be mutual. Flaws, I will learn to tolerate it. Tolerance is important. I don’t plan to change the person I love into something I want because I know; changing the essence of someone will kill the person you love. Believe me, I know this for sure. In my past relationships, I did love them for what they are, not how they are. There are things that I tolerated because I treasured the relationship more than the little things that bother me. It is safe to say, I never break up due to little things, usually it is because of love faded or we found someone else during conflicting times.

So, I am now trying to open my heart again to accept someone new into it. To fill in the gap left by the one before. I hope the next one will be the last, or my last lesson.

*love is in the air*

Becoming a ghost writer..

First of all, what is a ghost writer? A ghost writer is a writer who writes stories on behalf of others, such as biography writers. Well, it has always come to me that maybe someday I will make a living from writing. Once, I wanted to become a columnist because somehow I know how to give advice but never really know how to follow one. However, I know I can never be a good columnist because of several reasons. Firstly, I don’t write that often, please you can just from the frequency I update this blog. Haha. Second, I need full information on something before I embark on the journey of writing the piece, lacking in any aspect will make me worried sick. Huhu. Last but totally not least, I am an emotional writer. I write when the mood is right. If not, no matter how hard I try, nothing will come out. So, columnist is no longer in the list of future prospect. Haha

Why ghost writer? Well, I love to be someone else for once. Listening to their stories about their lives and writing down the stories for them and in the same time, imagining what it is like to live their lives. Sometimes, life is different when you see from a different set of eyes. Your problems might be nothing to them and your success might mean nothing to some. It makes you realise life does not revolve around you only. Life is about the reality that you create but you are not the only actor, others are involved and in their mind, they are a director as well, just as you are. So, being a ghost writer will totally open up your perspectives, and also gives you a chance to be in the shoe of others, let it be too big or too small to fit you. The feeling will not last, but the memories will.

*job prospect*

Have not read a single thing..

Since coming back from SA, I have not read a single book. Well, there have been a few comics but no book; you know those which are filled with words and with little or no illustration at all. I have no idea why. I actually like the idea of reading books but this time around I just could not find any book that captures my attention. A book that excites me. A book that allows me to imagine a world that is not known to others but me. I just could not find the book.

Seeing a few of my friends posting pictures on social media sites on books that they have read so far is actually depressing. I used to be that kid who reads a lot. But no longer. I don’t know what stopped me. Or maybe I just want to enjoy trivial things for a while, you know things that do not ask me to think a lot, just do and be done with it. Huhu, it’s funny that I am troubled that I am not reading. Usually, I am troubled when I have to read, not the opposite has happened. Mind, make yourself up :P.

*looking for books*

The Calmness

At the moment, as I am writing this, I am at my hometown and in the comfort of my family. However, with the calmness that is overwhelming me at the moment, I am not sure whether this is the truth or a lie told by my mind to me to fog the truth that lies behind. It is the calm before the storm type of calmness. Well, I think I am just worried because I have not developed myself enough academically and personally.

As I am currently in my final year, I have two big things that are the obstacles that will hinder me from getting my degree. They are known as dissertation and practicum. Two of the biggest tasks that you will need to face in your tertiary education journey. To be honest, I don’t think that I am ready for any of those. Practicum? I don’t think I am a good teacher. Not that I don’t know my subject matter, I don’t think I have the personality to teach. Looking at previous assessment on teaching, I don’t think I will do good. However, I am positive that I will pass it. Though I might be good, I will be good enough. Hey, it is not only my education is on the line, my future students’ too. Their mistake due to my teaching will haunt me, forever! Huhu, yeah, I am aspired to improve education here.

For my dissertation, I am still not sure on what to write. I have the view of what to do but can I materialise it? That is the question. Plus, it must be research based which is a troublesome. But please, I need to finish this to get my degree so I will do my best to finish it. I must finish it or I will be finished!

*annoyed*

sudden clarity..

haha, new year is here and here i am, still affected by whatever that has happened from last year. oh please, last year was just yesterday, do not expect me to move on that quickly. i am slow at that.. what? moving on i mean. that is just something i am not good at. pfft, here i am again ranting about how hard it is for me to move on.. darn it Sai, enough.. okie, awkward inner fight just commenced.. nevermind..

oh, anyway, you know how much i love sketching dresses? like a lot. i sketch at all times, as long as there are pen/pencil and paper, i will sketch. i do not know why, i just feel like it. so just now, i was looking at my sketches and it came to me. i am never going to be able to make these come true. well, i do not have the right resources to begin with and i am not sure whether this is a dream that is within reach or just a fantasy i create to really express myself. one thing for sure, i am somehow going to put a halt to that dream for i know it is a waste to keep on thinking about something that will not happen. it is not that i am giving up dreams, i am just being realistic. i am just a human, nothing much i can do in this world. better that i stick with whatever i am doing right now and try to find the balance i need in life. throwing away dreams is not bad, it is just getting even with life. sometimes, what you want is not what you need.

then, regarding matters of the heart. to be honest, being single for the past two years has been my own choice and also my own fault. as aforementioned, i find it hard to move on. i held on to memories and seriously do not live in the moment. with that choice, i live a ruined life. seriously, i want to start anew. i dont mind not having anyone because at the moment i dont think i am fit to be with anyone. but i must no longer live with memories.. seriously, people say there is nothing wrong with having fond memories? BS! this fond memories are the one holding me back, keeping me in a time capsule, making me that non responsive thing i call myself. seriously, i need to let go. how? i should consult myself then.. i am my own counselor.. darn it when the counselor themselves is unable to help..

*turning over a new leaf*