picking up the pieces..

i know this is too late but i will do my best to fix this. oh, i mean my current situation. how grateful i am for i have finished my internship. the problem was the work, not my colleagues, they were magnificent. could not ask for better ones. helpful and all. the only problem is my aptitude does not suit the work line. luckily i was given the chance to figure that out early. if not, i might die of heartache at really young age. haha

so now, only one thing left in front of me between my graduation and i. it is my mini thesis. yes, mini. i know it is my own fault for not doing it in the first place but you know, the idea of unable to pursue with what you wanted is underwhelming. however, it is my fault for dwelling in the abyss for way too long. i am usually strong willed, but with so many hateful things happening around me and being in constant annoyance with myself and the life, i have become weak. this is actually the first time i decided to ditch studies when it has always been my escapism. call me a geek, nerd or dork, i am guilty as charged.

i know now it is too late already to begin with and maybe finish in time, but you know what, i will just do it for the sake of satisfying myself. this is what i am good at, studying. i should be able to do this. i should do it for myself, not for others. as for grading, this would be one time that i will not fret on whatever that i will get because i know, this maybe seems like a rush work for you supervisor, but for me, this is my self redemption to myself. i owe this to me.

submitting.. to fate or defeat?

at the moment, i am hopeless and i am helpless. i have no idea what came over me and unable me to progress with life and studies to be precise. it is somehow i am stuck in a loop of stupidity and i cannot seem to snap out of it. i have been acting like i dont care when it is all in my head most of the time. then, i think of the consequences of abandoning it to me and others. i can foresee the future if the choice were made, but i cannot seem to kick myself to start. i am scared, no, to be honest, i am terrified by my own self. how indifferent by cognitive can be when my emotional is in turmoil. since when did the two part of myself decided to disassociate from each other? since when did i lose all control of my mind? since when did i became accepting to fate? since when did i start believing in fate and silver lining? since when did i succumb to defeat? so many questions, so little time left and if i am unable to get myself out of this abyss, i know i will stay in it for at least an eternity..

Struck by lightning..

have you ever watched a movie and later become afraid to move on with life because your life is exactly like the movie and the movie did not end well? well, that is Struck by Lightning to me. i see my life the way Carson saw his. no one around you understands you and you somehow speak in a different frequency or brain wavelength to others. you have a dream that you want to pursue and your really hope people agree with you and your dreams. the truth is, nobody cares. some even have the heart to destroy the dream you have. then, you saw your doom. you feel like life worth nothing and you give up in hope. then, somehow a sprinkle of hope appears in your mind and you feel rejuvenated and believe that life will be better after this for you. just when you start to be positive again, BAM, you got struck by lightning, died and your body was discovered only after 3 days.

well, as for me, so far, i have gone through most of what he had gone through. the only thing left is finding that sprinkle of hope and start looking at life positively again. somehow, due to that movie, i dreaded that moment. i am somehow afraid that the ending of this movie will be the same for me as well. struck by lightning without having a chance to prove myself and make my existence worthy. i know it is crazy to refer my life to a movie but it felt so real, i am scared..

here's the trailer if you guys are interested in the movie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN8PFC6PKHs

unable to kickstart..

two weeks break that was meant for relaxation and joy. who am i kidding? it was meant to finish whatever we have left to end our studies and not make the faculty to be in deep shit if we as a group failed to graduate. what? i am looking from their perspective now, not only mine. okie, if i failed to finish my thesis (god forbid!), i will need to extend my study and stay here for another semester. however, if the whole batch is having the same thought, the faculty will be the one facing the consequences for they are the one in question by the university for why such phenomenon happened. to be honest, i wanted to extend just to see the faculty in trouble, but i need power of the majority and from what i can see, most are busting their ass off to finish the thesis. okie, damnation of the faculty is not possible now. huhu.

anyway, coming back to the title, i am actually still trying to start my thesis writing. seriously, i am unable to start. i have no idea how. i have no idea how to write something that has a high possibilities of rejection and might need rewriting. i hate editing. i know what i want to do and everything, but to realise it on paper is just hard. or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me saying that they are hard. have no idea which is which. but yeah, the biggest problem now is i have no idea how to start the writing process. i should surrender to fate i think and let it show me how far i can do..

beginning of the end..

as most of you have figured out, i am a uni student. currently i am in my final year and like normal final year student, i am in my internship and in the process of finishing my thesis. two things that i am not good at. however, i must pass through this just to make sure i can continue with life. i had enough of all these pressured life because i am doing something i dislike.

so, the holiday begins. yeay to everyone. however, it also marks the beginning of zombification of the whole batch due to the thesis. this sem is so cray cray, they decided to put thesis alongside internship and expect us to show up and discuss with supervisors. bitch, aint nobody got time for that. we do daily planning in our internship for that's the requirement of the field. we aint working with papers, it's people or to be exact, children and teenagers. nobody got time for thinking about elaborated essays and research when daily encounters are as vicious as gladiators battle. by the way, i have developed a health condition due to the internship. yeah, beginning of the end.. of my life!

so, will try to finish whatever i need to do in order to graduate. to be honest, i am sick and tired of this..

bitterness overload..

as bitter as coffee without any sugar and creamer. just plain black coffee with coal of butter or margarine coating the outer layer of the seed. seriously, a lot of things in my life dissatisfy me at the moment. the fact that i am doing the things that i dislike is one thing. then, i have this something that holds the future of me in its hand and i am at no capacity to fulfill it at the moment. i am still waiting for that inner me to wake up and gives me the slap of the year to get me moving. to be honest, these two things is making me feel unhealthy.

then, concerning the heart. eff for worrying too much. eff for saying that i may not be able to focus on the person. eff to the caring mind. i forgot that i might need support as well. i am not the one giving support all the time, i might receive it as well. stupid me for rejecting that love and now the person is the one that got away. well, you have spared yourself a miserable piece of bitterness from being a part of your life. be happy with that. as for me, i'll continue being like this. alone and no one to talk too.

i am seeing fake anywhere. yes, i know fake for i am fake myself at times. but seriously, you guys do realise i realise the whole situation? it is only that i choose to just play along. seriously, i reside on fake for i am not sure do i have any real in my life. yes, i am that sad and pathetic.

okie, back to reality.

*depressed*

Still not loving it..

People say that sometimes things that you do not like, if you really put your head into it, finally will get into your head and in the end, love for it will come. Well, blame me exceptional for I am still not in love with what I am doing to finish my course of study despite dwelling in it for more than half of it now. I have no idea why. Well, maybe I am just not made for it. Not the right fit. No point trying to squeeze yourself fitting into a pants too tight or too loose for you. Try to look up something sizeable to you. You will look good and feel good. Not feel bad and look bad. It is that simple. I wish what I wrote in the last sentence is true. About how easy it is to satiate a heart of a human. Please, we are creatures of desire. Most of the time, we want things not we need things. We make the wants become our needs and ended up dying of frustration. Oh, why do not you look at that? How bitter do I sound? Well, that is just me being human. Aint no angel for angels are devotees and do only what the One as them to do. I am a human of will and emotion and lust.

Tried to make the situation seems more inviting. I tend to not think much about them during the practice. But you know what? That just will not happen. I am easily affected by their behaviour despite my attempts to be nonchalant about whatever they are doing in my practice for them. Well, some do make me feel like there is a purpose to what I am doing but most just make me feel it is better for me to just be quiet and see them grow on their own aka neglecting them all together. These are the young ones. The other groups, who is older by just a mere year is a different story. They bring me emotional turmoil from their indifference about my existence. Imagine coming for them, only to be turned down right on the face. Yeah, that feeling of being rejected all over again. Aint beautiful the first time, never gonna be beautiful anytime later. Erghh, how I wish to just run away from all these and reside at a beach house and befriend the welcoming wave and sea breeze. What? Company of non-animates is sometimes better than those with emotions.

*bitter and tired*