is this really something that I want?

So, I landed on a job after months of unemployment. To be honest, I was damned excited to get that after just one interview. Little that I know that they were in desperation and needed all the help they could get their hands on.

I took this job because of the future I see in it. I have always wanted to write syllabus. Yes, what a weird ambition but it's mine and I'm proud of it. Little that I know that I will be working all by myself. Yes, one man runs everything! Heck, that's not even logical! You cannot expect me to do everything! As the song goes, I am only Human!

So, here's the thing. To run away this quickly is evil I'd say. So, I shall just bear the pain and hope for some day where the sun will shine on me again.. I really hope that day will come because I don't know how long do I have before my sanity becomes a question instead of a statement..

Cocooned life..

I am currently in a cocoon. I am no longer a student, a boy, but I am unable to establish myself as a man, a person in a working world. I am now somehow in a transition stage. A transition in which I dislike as when I have time, my brain will overwork. It will start imagining things that are not real and putting scary thoughts regarding prospect of future in my mind. Due to this, I somehow foresee my future to be bleak at the moment. I just hope this phase of darkness will pass by me.

In this cocoon, I am given a restricted freedom. A freedom dreamed by a man, achieved by a boy. I am now allowed to make decision, only by the permission of others. I am free to roam free, only to announce my departure and arrival and answer questions. I am responsible for things thrown to me. I am made to feel like a man with eyes looking at me as if I am still a boy. Yup, a restricted freedom.

In this cocoon, I think of what I could become and what I might become. I know my potential (I think) but will I work it to the fullest? Whose expectations will be met, mine or others? Do I chase dream or stability? What is stability? Will my body and soul be one all the time or will they separate at times due to disagreement of ideals? Those are some of the fights I have, within this cocoon..

I cannot wait for the day for me to be able to finally emerge from the cocoon and be what I have decided to become. A decision that I hope I will look back with a sigh, of relief because what is life if regret were the beginning.

throwing away fragments of a dream..

since i was a kid, i have always loved drawing. once, i even thought of making art as a way of me making a living. i shall be an artist. later in life, i developed this liking towards art through another medium, that is fashion. i see clothes as more than just something you put on yourself for the sake of decency. i see it as a way to express yourself and also a language on its own to explain who you are and what are your choices in life. due to this, i started sketching. a lot. i had a stack of sketchbooks i have collected over the years containing what i see possible to be on a human body. i kept them all as a reminder of who i am and what i want and who knows, might be. fashion had become the dream of my life.

to be honest, i never thought that this day will ever come. the day where i will throw away my dream because somebody says so. a day that i decide that the dream is no longer mine. a day that it ends. it started with the cleaning and arranging of the room. upon finishing, we realised there was not much of space left so unnecessary things will have to go. we sorted out a lot of things to be let go such as old magazines, unnecessary paperworks and all. suddenly, a person took a look at my stack of sketchbook s and said

"i don't think we need these. we should just throw them away to make space for other things."

i was silenced. i had no idea how should i stand for them. i just said those were my sketches and i would love to keep them around. the person said,

"ah, sketches, you can always do them later. buy new books and draw more. these mean nothing"

with that, and the agreement of others, those books were gone. stacked with other rubbish. yes, rubbish. that is what those sketches are to other people. however, for me, those are fragments of my dream. those are the representation of what i want to do if i have the right substance. those sketches are what i could and wanted to be. those sketches are something i can call mine.

i heart shattered into million pieces upon that answer. i know there's no salvation and there's no arguing over the decision. i just have to live with it. guess it is time for me to let things go because the truth is, life is not going to be nice to some people despite no matter how much effort they put in. they are just not mean for greatness. well, great pains are for them. people say it's a test. i say it is a cruel game and you are not even a player. you are just the object of the game and the objective is to push you to the edge. take the fall or stay at the edge. your choice, though both are just as nasty.

p/s: i heard they might get burned. how nice it is to see the ashes of what i used to savour as my escape plan..

*devastated*

starting anew, somewhere away..

comfort of the home. that is something that we really want in our life. to have a place to put ourselves in and feel at ease and secured. a place that takes you away from the hustle and bustle of the world beyond the door. for some, home means a house, while for others, it means the hometown, the whole city and for some others, their home is not where they come from, but the place they have made for themselves and feel comfortable at.

for me, i consider the home i am in right now is my home. or is it? do i associate this place to me as home because i was raised here or i sincerely feel like this place is home to me? i have yet to decide on that matter because to be honest, i have no definite answer. then, it came to me, should i build my own home? a home that was built based on my memories of the past and future and also will have all the essence of me. what if the home i am building is far from my current home? like a different country? will it be a home that i truly feel like i belong there?

the thing is, in the meantime of building the new home, where can i lay all my worries at? the home i have now will be too far away and i wont have the comfort of it easily accessed. or, will i be a vagabond, drifting from one place to another to find some comfort but never stays at just a place? home..

this is my fear talking. i know in order to move forward, i will need to face this fear and make it my friend. to be honest, i think i am ready..

Damn, do I still need to pay?

So, the government had introduced a scheme in which if you obtained a first class degree, your student loan, coming from this specific body, will be converted into a full blown scholarship. Upon hearing this sometime when I was starting my university life and a borrower from the body, I made it a mission of mine to pay with my head and not money. So, I busted my ass off most of the time to ensure that goal is achieved. Although to most, I seemed like the kind of person who gets thing given because I have the gift of the brain (at times, I also believe in this then I brush it off because I know that’s not true); the truth is I put a lot of effort in my studies in order to convert that loan to scholarship. Thanks be to God, I passed my bachelor’s degree with a first class degree. However, along the way, I stumbled upon a big hurdle in my final semester. I was not allowed to graduate on time, among my friends, due to my mini thesis. Yup, that one freaking assessment that may be the demise of my main goal since the last four years.

The thing is, I forgot to read the terms and conditions for the conversion. I did not know there is a clause for one must graduate on time in order to be eligible for the conversion and in my case, I missed on time by a semester due to my mini thesis. Upon knowing this, to be honest, I was bummed. I sat in my room for a few days, crying, or should I say, bawling! Like having your dream in your hand then it slips away because you didn’t realize there’s a puddle in front of you and now the dream is shattered to a thousand pieces with no chance of putting back together. What a bummer! My family keep on asking me to ask the corporation regarding this, but looking at their track records, they are vicious!

I have slimmed down my hopes to almost none.So now, I am slapped with a 30k worth of debt and I have yet to begin my life. Now, this is what hollow victory feels like. Empty. Nothing. Useless. Awesome, I can totally say the effort I put for 4 years has gone down the drain. Good job Sai! Just to ease my heart, I tell myself, the payment I am going to do will be for the use of my future children.. if I were to have any..

*bummed and shocked*

static and stagnant..

time goes by. people move around. time is ticking. life is passing. here i am, standing here, unmoved by anything. remain static. not moving even an inches. physically and psychologically. although scientifically, it's a different story as you say you remain on one spot on earth, according to the universe, you've moved several thousands of miles due to Earth's rotation. seriously, does that even matter to you when the centre of your universe is you? you are the sun, the planets, the stars and the forces. you decide when you remain stagnant and make yourself the victim of consequences. you decide to live like a hermit with no value in your own perspective. you have no one to blame for your state of static and stagnant but yourself. please, dive within yourself to find that drive again. life will be long as well as short, remember, time is relative. it's you who decide how it goes. in the mean time, i am just going to be a lump in the middle of somewhere..

worth nothing..

what is life when you're not living? when your sole purpose is to serve others and hide all your wants and dreams. what is life if dreams is not a part of it. so literal, so real in the reality that you share with others but not through your own set of eyes. imagination is bound by responsibility that you see right in front of you but you still cannot grasp the meaning of it. what is such a life? a drag?

your words mean nothing. your actions have no impact. your appearance goes unnoticed. your existence is unnecessary and at times, a waste of space. is that your self worth? nothingness? zero? empty? is that.. you?

you've been thinking of the future, anxiously. you've been thinking of the past, regretfully. you've been living in the present.. or are you not? one must be at peace in order to appreciate what they have at the moment, but can one achieve peace when past and future throw their burdens onto one's shoulder? let bygone be bygone and we do not know what future has in store.. is life that simple of an expression?

brain and mind. two entities, one body. one is an organ and another is a perceived concept. one may have brain but not mind but in order to have mind, the vessel, that is brain, must be there. however, more and more, the vessel is doing all the talking while the concept is keeping quiet at the back of the head. hence, mindless words and utterance were spoken. they cannot be considered as speech for they are worthless and brings no message but only harm, to the speaker as well as the receivers. to be honest, one should sit down and let the two sync with each other. then, world will be a better place.. will it?

arghh!!