Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I want to be happy..

I looked at myself a few days back. I realised I have been very negative to myself and the surrounding. But I cannot explain why. All I know is I am down emotionally, but to no avail of the source of the negative feelings that was building up inside of me, the negative feelings that have let me become reserved, full of silence and always out of focus. They all came at the most wrong time of the year, during my finals. I am not down because I am worried of the finals, studies never worry me as they are my escapism from my dull life. I am not who I am when I am in class. I am a different person there. I am stronger and bolder than I am outside. I love my studies. Words of a nerd. That is what I am. A misplaced nerd. Maybe that is why they always mistake me for those Intecees. I do look and act like nerd. Boo to myself.

Then, I watched an episode of Glee which was on love, home and everything else. Okie, I cried while watching it. Especially while listening to the song that Kurt was singing, A House Is Not a Home, since the meaning of the song is extremely deep. For me at least. It somehow says my heart out. Damn, I am a sucker for lame love song and great ladylike vocals owned by guys. Haha. Seriously, watching that episode of Glee made me think that I am not much different from April Rhodes, a lonely person who is trying to find his or her direction on the world. She may look happy on the outside, but inside her nobody knows. Similarities that I could see between her and me are the ability to hide our sadness with our eccentric and happy-like personality, besides we think money can make us happy and we do not care who we are seeing as long as it is beneficial to us. Guess this shows I am not the only one with that kind of behavior. Therefore, I cried while watching this show for all the right reasons, which is realizing the fact of my life. Revelation can bring tears okie.

So, I have thought to myself. it is time for me to choose to be happy. Hey, life is short; I should cherish it while I still can. Who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe this is my only time to be happy, before all the responsibilities fall on my shoulder once I am a full grown adult. Not that I am saying adult cannot have fun but being young and adult are two different phases in life and each should be given equal treatments. Hehe so, I am going to calm my mind and cleanse myself from all the negative feelings. Maybe settle for yoga to do that. I will be cleansing all body, mind and soul, then reborn as a new person. Maybe find new love later, although I never look for one. I am someone who waits for love to come, not the finder. Love was the reason for my emotional breakdown and now I am going to build myself from love as well. Love for myself. like the quote from Facebook, you still make me smile even when you were the main reason I am sad. That is love to me. It is my source of life although it has brought me great devastation before.

*prepare for happiness*

2 comments:

spAn_kUrAk said...

gudluck! :)

yUKi said...

i wish u the best! =)